Thirty-Six
My family had told me not to. They had been adamant I reconsider coming home when I told them my plan, but now that I was home, I think they were grateful I was there. They were handling the farm, but to have us all together was a boost in morale, per se. I knew the house was lonely for my mother, being there by herself. Sawyer and Lindsey would come by for dinner most days, but she felt guilty. They were newlyweds and she wanted them to focus on each other. She wanted them to establish their traditions and routines, not keep a widow woman company.
Now, Sawyer and Lindsey could spend time together without feeling responsible for my mom. That was my job now and I didn’t mind it.
I woke up early to help with the cows. Sawyer and I soon found our rhythm and we worked quickly and efficiently. This left time for me to get my work for Logics in. I still couldn’t believe they had been so accommodating. I didn’t think businesses cared about their employees like that anymore, but obviously Logics valued me enough to help me for a little while.
I didn’t know how long I would be in Silver Falls. It couldn’t be forever. If it was more than a month or so, I wondered if Logics’ kindness would continue. I was able to work on my programming, but not being able to work in the lab was critical. Sean kept me updated though and as much as I was glad to be home, I was looking forward to going back as well.
I missed Adam though. When you get used to having someone beside you at night, a bed can be a very lonely thing in the dark. Even though he was on the road a lot, his townhouse had become our home and even when he was away, there were reminders of our life together and the promise that he would come home.
I had been back at the farm for two weeks. The Red Sox had made it through the first round of the play-offs, clinching the American League East over the Orioles. Adam had been stellar and I wondered if not having me home was part of his success. He didn’t have to worry about keeping me happy and seeing my sadness on a daily basis. We talked every day and he promised to come to see me as soon as he could. No promises could be made though. Once the play-offs began, his life basically didn’t exist.
It had been a long day on the farm. Sawyer and I had finished up our usual chores and I settled in for a few hours of work when he had come rushing into the house, shouting for me to call Dr. Huber, the vet who had taken care of our cows for as long as my father had owned the farm. One of our cows went into early labor and was struggling. Emergencies had happened throughout my life on the farm, but they never got any easier or any less scary. It was even scarier this time because vets expected money, money Hale Farm didn’t have.
It was early evening when Dr. Huber finally left. He’d saved the cow and somehow the calf as well. That usually wasn’t the case. As the doctor drove away, my brother and I looked at each other. We knew what a blessing this was. Any time a cow was lost, it was a hardship for the farm, especially a small operation like ours. We could have lost both cows. I had expected to at least lose the baby, but somehow, we hadn’t lost either. We felt lucky and deep down, I thought maybe this was a sign our little farm wasn’t doomed just yet.
I was tired though and dirty. Dairy farming was hard work and the dirt and sweat proved it. I’d grown up on the farm. I’d always helped, but never to the extent I was now. I was working full time on the farm, just as my dad had done my whole life and I had a whole new respect for him. He had to love this work in order to do it for so long and to go to such lengths to save it.
Sawyer disappeared into the stable house and I went inside to shower. My mom was gone on a rare day out with my aunt. They had gone into Burlington for a movie and lunch. I was glad she was getting out of the house and I was looking forward to the quiet and getting some work done.
I’d settled up in my room, my laptop on my desk and music flowing from the speakers as I worked on my latest program. The sound of the doorbell interrupted my train of thought and I lifted my head curiously. Slowly, I got up, unable to push away the apprehension. Unexpected visitors were rare out here.
When I got to the door, I carefully pushed aside the curtain of the window next to it and my hand flew to my chest when I saw Adam standing there. My heart started to pound. I hadn’t seen him since I left Boston two weeks before and I didn’t expect to see him until after the play-offs. The American League Championship Series was in a week. The Red Sox were waiting to see who they would be playing once either the Tigers or the White Sox won their series that was now tied at two apiece. The Red Sox had won their slot in a four-game sweep. Now they had the extra time to wait. I couldn’t believe he was here though. There was too much prep work to do back in Boston.
I flung the door open and our eyes met through the screen. I expected him to smile and I was beginning to worry when after a few moments, he still hadn’t.
“Adam,” I finally said, my voice quiet as I pushed the screen door open, motioning him inside.
Wordlessly, he walked in, the screen slapping loudly behind him before I shut the front door.
“What…what are you doing here?” I asked as nerves started to broil in my stomach. Why wasn’t he smiling? Why hadn’t he opened his arms and pulled me to him, kissing me deeply the way he always did when we’d been apart?
“I wanted to see you before the ALCS started. It’s going to get crazy once that starts.” His voice was flat, upset almost. “I have today and tomorrow off. I thought I’d come up and see you.”
“Oh, babe,” I said, choking up at the notion that he’d spend what little free time he had to come see me. With the farm and work, I didn’t realize just how much I had missed him. I closed the distance between us, stopping when he was in front of me and slowly raising my hand to rest it on his cheek. I watched as his eyes closed, pained almost as his jaw clenched. A moment later though, they opened and he stepped back, causing my hand to slide slowly to my side.
“When were you going to tell me?” he said suddenly. I could tell he was trying to stay calm, but I knew he was having trouble doing so. My stomach started to knot by the way he looked at me.
“Tell you what?” I asked, trying to sound clueless when deep down I knew he knew. It was the only thing that made sense.
He sighed and stepped back, shaking his head and looking away for a moment. When he looked at me again, it was like a punch to the gut. He had never looked at me the way he was now. He was hurt.
“Cut the crap, Caroline!” he finally said, throwing up his hands and raising his voice. I could feel my throat start to burn. Adam had never spoken to me the way he was now. “When were you going to tell me about the farm?”
I opened my mouth to say something, but I couldn’t find my words. My mind was racing, trying to find a plausible excuse, but I couldn’t.
“When were you going to stop lying me to me?”
Tears started to burn my eyes then. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“I didn’t lie,” I finally managed to choke out.
“You did, Care! You did lie! I’ve done everything I know how to do to be here for you and you don’t even trust me enough to tell me the truth?”
I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t defend myself because what he was saying was true. I might not have directly lied to him, but I hadn’t told him, even when he asked me how everything was going. He asked me every day how I was doing and every day I had told him I was fine. I wasn’t fine though. I was falling apart inside as I tried to accept my father was dead and that my family might lose our home. I had lied to him every day and now he knew and I’d never seen him look so hurt, not even when I’d broken his heart and ended things between us.
“Adam…I…I…” I stuttered, not knowing what to say, not when he was looking at me that way.
“Why, Caroline? Why would you keep this from me?” he shouted, his eyes burning into mine so harshly, I couldn’t stand it anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I finally managed to get out and then I started to sob, burying my head in my hands. “I’m so sorry,” I said, my voice muffled by my hands.
The tears continued to fall and I couldn’t catch my breath. It was such a relief that he finally knew, but I had hurt him and I couldn’t take that back. I didn’t blame him though. If I was in his shoes, I would be angry too. He had every right to be mad at me.
But then I felt his arms around me, wrapping me tightly into his embrace, the place I felt most safe in the world and I sobbed. It was like a dam had been broken and it was all flooding out now. It was exhausting keeping emotions pent up and now that he knew, they were all coming out. The fear. The anger. The frustration. It was all there in every tear I had tattooed onto Adam’s t-shirt.
Slowly, I felt him easing me down so we were both sitting on the couch side by side a few moments later. My hands left my face and I felt his finger hook under my chin, gently raising it up, forcing me to look at him.
I could feel my face was red and raw from the tears. He reached for a tissue on the coffee table and dried my cheeks. I could still see the hurt in his eyes, but there was compassion too.
“How did you find out?” I whispered.
“Erica,” he said softly. His revelation didn’t surprise me. I had finally confided to Erica exactly what was going on. I had to tell her when she wouldn’t stop going on and on about how stupid I was for leaving Boston and Adam behind.
“When did she tell you?” I asked nervously.
“I called her.”
“Why would you call Erica?” I asked him, my voice heavy with annoyance.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. You haven’t been yourself lately. You haven’t been yourself for a long time, we both know that.”
“So, you were checking up on me?”
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I thought she might be able to tell me something.”
“I can’t believe you, Adam!” I exclaimed.
“I won’t apologize for wanting to know you’re alright,” he said, meeting my stern expression with his own.
I looked away again, taking in a deep breath as I tried to collect my thoughts.
“What…what exactly did she tell you?” I asked and he waited a moment to answer.
“She didn’t mean to tell me. She was talking about how she couldn’t believe you’d come back to Silver Falls, but that it made sense since the farm could use all the help it could get if you guys wanted to keep it.” He sounded sad. Hurt that I had kept it from him. I thought I had been doing the right thing, but now, sitting across from him, I was overwhelmed with guilt. “I made her tell me the rest of what she knew.” He took a long pause. I didn’t know what to say. “Why didn’t you tell me, Care?” he asked softly.
I wanted to look away. I didn’t want to see the hurt when I tried to make him understand. I didn’t look away though. I had already kept this from him. I needed to face it.
“I was embarrassed, Adam,” I finally said. “I didn’t want your opinion of my father to change. I didn’t want you to think he wasn’t a good man.” I wiped at the corner of my eyes as the tears started to come again, thinking about my dad.
“Are you serious?” he said, his face curling up in confusion. “Damn, Caroline,” he sighed. “I never thought your opinion of me was so low.”
“Adam…” I began, but he cut me off, standing up and staring down at me.
“You’ve known me practically your whole life. Your dad was like my second father. I know he loved his family more than anything else in the world, but you think I would judge him? That I would question him trying to support his family? For doing what he thought was best?”
“You know it’s not that simple. He lied to us. He lied to all of us,” I interrupted, standing up so he no longer towered over me.
“No, it’s not simple, but you didn’t even give me a chance, Caroline. Your mind was already made up about me,” he said, his voice heavy with tension.
“You have no idea what it has been like since he died and then learning this…it’s killing me!” I exclaimed.
“And you kept it all in. You kept it bottled up and suffered alone. You didn’t come to me.”
“I couldn’t,” I shot back.
“Why?” he demanded. “What have I ever done to make you think you couldn’t come to me about anything? You didn’t have to go through this alone. That’s what I’m here for!”
“I know you’re mad at me. I get it. You have every right to be, but try and put yourself in my shoes. What if it was your family?” I said, wiping at the tears again and the silence grew heavy until he finally spoke.
“I would’ve told you, Caroline, because that’s what we do. When I have a shitty day, I come to you because you’re the only person who can make it feel even an ounce better,” he said fiercely, looking me right in the eye.
“Forgive me, Adam,” I began curtly, “but a shitty day and a dead father who kept a secret from his family are two completely different things.”
I was surprised by the sarcastic laugh that left his mouth then, looking away for a second as he ran his hands through his dark hair before bringing his eyes back to mine.
“It’s not the same. Not even close. The point is, you are the one I need when my life is good and when my life is crap. I can’t imagine going through something as trivial as a shitty day without knowing you’re there at the end of it so I know if there was something serious going on in my life, there’s no way I wouldn’t tell you because I need you, Caroline. I need you through everything. Good, bad, whatever, but obviously you don’t feel that way about me since you didn’t trust me. You shut down. You pushed me away. I could’ve helped you. I would’ve been there. You didn’t have to be alone.”
I wiped at my eyes again, trying to calm myself before I lost it again.
“I know you would’ve been,” I said softly. “I was scared though. I don’t know why, but I was.”
Our eyes met again and I saw the corners of his mouth curl down into a frown as he looked at me. Cautiously, he reached for my hand, taking it in his as he brushed his fingertips over my cheek.
“Why would you be afraid of me?”
“I’m not,” I began quietly, my face involuntarily leaning into his touch. “We’re just so different. Our lives. While you were playing baseball, my family has been trying to figure out every way to pay off this debt so we don’t lose the farm or our homes. I don’t mean to make it about this, but it’s true. You’re a sports superstar and I’m just a farm girl trying to help my family save our home.”
“Dammit, Caroline!” he suddenly exclaimed. “When are you going to understand there’s nothing wrong with being a farm girl? You always feel less than people for who you are when you should be proud!”
I stood there, taken aback by his words. I could see his frustration with me.
“You’ll never understand,” I whispered as the tears fell slowly down my face as we looked at each other.
“I understand more than you know,” he said, calmer now. The harshness from a second ago was gone. He’d been so hurt by my deceit, but now I saw a hint of understanding that he might get why I’d done what I’d done. He let go of my hand then and reached into his pocket, holding out an envelope to me. I looked at it curiously before he nudged it towards me.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Open it,” he said gently and finally, I reached out my hand for it.
I opened the envelope, unfolding the paper inside. It was covered with numbers and at the top, I saw the emblem of Green Mountain Bank followed by Adam’s name and address. My eyes started quickly scanning the document and they focused on a long number with LOAN in front. The previous balance said $312,985.36 and underneath it showed the new balance. $0.00 PAID IN FULL.
“What is this?” I asked nervously, my eyes slowly meeting his.
“It’s taken care of. Your family doesn’t have to worry anymore,” he said, his words coming out slowly. My stomach dropped when I realized what I held in my hands.
“This is my dad’s loan?” I choked out and he nodded. “You…you paid it off?” He nodded again and I felt myself stumble backwards, my knees hitting the couch, forcing me to sit down. I stared down at the paper again. I couldn’t keep my eyes off the $0.00. The debt was gone. The farm was safe. We were free. I should be happy. I should be ecstatic. I should be jumping with joy, but I wasn’t. As I continued to stare at the statement, I didn’t quite understand the emotions I was feeling. I wasn’t feeling the joy I should be at the realization our trouble was over because I was angry.
Slowly, my eyes raised to where he stood above me. He was waiting for my reaction, but I just sat there, my jaw tightening.
“Why did you do this?” I finally asked.
“To help.”
“You shouldn’t have done this, Adam,” I said. His eyebrows creased and he took a step back.
“Why, Caroline?”
“Because,” I said softly. “You…you just shouldn’t have done this.” I stood up, pushing the paper back towards him and brushing past him.
I felt the grip of his hand on my arm, stopping me in my tracks and turning me to face him.
“What did I do wrong, Caroline?”
“If you don’t know, then I’m not going to tell you.”
“What are you talking about?” he demanded. “I thought this would make you happy.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” I snapped.
“No, I don’t. Explain it to me.”
“The moment you left Silver Falls you were different. When you came back, I thought maybe you weren’t as different as I thought, but this just proves it.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“This was my family’s problem. We were handling it, but you just waltzed in with your money and took care of it. We’re not a charity case! We didn’t need you to fix this for us, Adam!”
His grip on my arm loosened and his hand fell to his side. The emotion was completely drained from his face. He stared at me, dumbfounded, and then he nervously ran a hand through his hair.
“You’ll never be able to let it go, will you?” he said softly. “The differences between you and me, which really aren’t that different. You don’t see that though, do you?”
“We are different though. You know it and this proves it. Flashing your money around. Swooping in and saving the day and showing the rest of us what failures we are.”
I was surprised at the bitterness in my voice. I don’t know where it was coming from, but I couldn’t stop it. His jaw tightened and a vein throbbed in his neck. His eyes pierced mine and you could have cut the tension with a knife.
“I only wanted to help. I never meant any harm,” he finally said, his eyes boring into mine for another moment before turning and heading for the door.
The look on his face was one I would never forget. I told myself to try and stop him. Yes, I was mad at him for reasons I didn’t even quite understand, but I shouldn’t let him leave, not until this was worked out. I didn’t move though. The anger was still festering as thoughts of Adam bailing my father out made my stomach turn. He would be so embarrassed if he knew the man he had known since he was a little boy had been forced to pay his debt. Adam should have known that about my father, but obviously, he didn’t.
His hand was the doorknob. I watched as he turned it, but then stopped, turning to face me. His eyes glistened in the light of the setting sun. I was certain there were tears.
“When are you going to forgive me for being me?” he said softly from across the room. “I shouldn’t have to apologize for my success and I won’t. I am who I am, and I thought you loved me.”
His words were like a punch to the gut. Of course, I loved him. How could he think I didn’t? I was upset right now, but that didn’t diminish everything we had been through. I opened my mouth to refute him, but I had messed up. This wasn’t the first time I had held his status against him. Maybe not overtly, but in little ways and he had obviously remembered it all.
“Adam, you know that’s not true,” I said.
“Ever since you came back into my life, I thought things were different with us. I thought you knew you could trust me…that I would be here for you through anything. That whatever happened to one of us happened to the other,” he said, his eyes looking over me in a suspicious way I didn’t like. “I didn’t realize how wrong I was.”
“Adam…” I protested just as his hand turned the knob and pushed the door open, the piece of paper I had forced back into his hand falling to the floor.
“Don’t say anything else, Caroline. I got your message loud and clear.”
He was gone a second later and I couldn’t move as his truck sped out of the driveway, kicking up a cloud of dirt behind him.