Twenty-Nine
It was hard saying goodbye to Adam, to watch him get in the car and drive away. When he was with me, he kept me grounded. He kept me calm and when he wasn’t with me, I could feel the sadness and worry growing heavier.
As hard as it was to say goodbye to Adam though, it was almost harder saying goodbye to my mom and Sawyer when I headed back to Boston a couple of days later. I’d continued to help with the cows for the rest of my time at home and I worried what my brother would do when I was gone. He reassured me everything would be fine and it would all work out. My job was to get back to Boston and back to my work and go on with my life. That’s what we all had to do: find a way to keep going. And so that was what I told myself I would do as Erica drove me back to Boston.
Adam offered to get me a flight to Boston since I didn’t have a car to drive back, but I said no. I knew there were no direct flights commercially from Burlington to Boston, which would mean a charter flight and that equaled expensive. I knew the cost wouldn’t have put a dent in his bank account, but I wasn’t comfortable with it. Sometimes I didn’t think I’d ever be comfortable with his wealth. He knew not to fight me when I told him I’d find a ride back. I wasn’t going to change my mind and Erica didn’t mind driving me. I think she was actually looking forward to a night away from Silver Falls.
“Home sweet home,” she said when we walked into the townhouse that Adam and I shared.
She set the bags down and went straight to the bathroom since she’d been complaining for the last hour how bad she had to pee since Boston traffic was in rare form and it took much longer than it should have to get back.
“I swear I almost wet myself,” she said with a loud sigh when she was finished and had joined me in the kitchen where I was getting myself a glass of water. “Remind me to invest in an adult diaper the next time I drive here.”
I almost spit the water out of my mouth when I started laughing at her comment.
“I love you, Erica,” I said, smiling over to her. She smiled back and came over, giving me a quick squeeze.
“It’s good to see you smile again,” she said in a sincerer voice than I was accustomed to hearing from my cousin.
“To be honest, it feels good to smile,” I said truthfully. Smiles and laughter had been rare since the news of my father, but when it did happen, I did feel better, even if it was only for a few moments.
“When does Adam get home from his road trip?” she asked.
“Sunday night,” I said, not realizing how listless I was until I heard the words leave my mouth. It was almost a week away, but I knew it would feel like a lifetime once Erica left and I was alone in the house.
“Are you going to be okay till he gets home?” she asked. “I’m sure I could talk to my boss at the optometrist office and Gram will understand at the restaurant, of course. I could stay till he gets home.”
“Thank you, Erica,” I said, giving her a grateful smile. “I’ll be okay though. I survived Adam’s road trips before this and I’ll continue to make it through. You’re sweet to offer though.”
“If you change your mind, you know I’ll be here in a heartbeat.”
“I know and you don’t know what that means to me.” I walked over to my cousin and best friend and gave her a long hug.
The buzzer rang then, indicating someone was at the door. I pulled away from Erica and looked at her quizzically before walking down the hall and looking at the monitor to see who it was. A man with a bouquet of flowers stood there and I opened the door.
“Hi,” he said cheerfully. “I’m looking for Caroline Hale.”
“That’s me,” I said and he held out the bouquet of white lilies to me.
“These are for you then,” he said with a smile.
“Thank you,” I said, taking the flowers.
“Have a nice day,” he said and then turned and left.
I shut the door and looked at the flowers curiously, wondering who they could be from. When I walked back into the kitchen, I saw Erica’s eyes widen at the sight of the lilies.
“Who sent you those?” she asked as I set them down on the counter and reached for the card.
“Let’s find out,” I said, opening the small white envelope, surprised to see they were from Sean along with the message: MY DEEPEST SYMPATHIES.
“They’re from Sean. From work,” I said, reaching up and touching one of the smooth petals.
“He’s bold,” she quipped, grabbing the card from my hands and reading it. “Doesn’t he know you’re exclusive with one of the hottest guys on the planet?”
“Of course, he does,” I said, snatching it back. “We’re friends. That’s all.”
“Seems like he doesn’t get that,” she said smugly.
“Not every man has an ulterior motive, Erica,” I told her.
“Yes, they do.”
“You’re jaded.”
“I am not. I’m a realist.”
“Whatever,” I sighed. “Sean is a genuinely decent guy, a fact you would know had you not blown him off for being too nice.”
“Get over it, Caroline. I’m beyond all that bullshit.”
“I could strangle you sometimes,” I said, grinning to her, suddenly even more grateful she’d driven me back. It felt good to tease my cousin again, just like I always had.
“Got some rope?” she smirked and I picked up a pen that was sitting on the counter and threw it at her. She started laughing as she batted it away and then I dug into my purse for my cell phone.
“Who’re you calling?” Erica asked as I scrolled through my contacts.
“Sean, to thank him for the flowers,” I said, holding the phone to my ear as it started ringing. She rolled her eyes as I waited for him to answer and a few moments later I heard his voice on the other end.
“Hello?”
“Sean, hi. It’s Caroline Hale,” I said when he picked up.
“Caroline. How are you?” he asked using the same remorseful tone of voice I’d grown accustomed to since my father died.
“I’m okay,” I lied, but what else was I supposed to say? “I just received the flowers and wanted to thank you for thinking of me. It was so thoughtful.”
“You’re welcome. We’ve all been thinking about you at the office. I just wanted you to know.”
“Well, it was a very nice way to be welcomed home, especially after…after what happened.”
“Will you be at work tomorrow? Ron mentioned you probably would be. We are desperate to have you back. Frank’s been in rare form lately. Idiot,” he mumbled under his breath and I had to laugh again.
“Yes, I’ll be back tomorrow,” I said and then my eyes drifted to Erica who was staring down at her recently manicured fingernails and I had an idea. “Erica actually drove me back to Boston. Perhaps we could all grab dinner. There’s no food in the house and truthfully, I don’t feel like cooking.”
My words caused Erica’s head to jerk up, her eyes wide as she glared at me, mouthing the word, “No.”
“With Erica?” Sean asked skeptically, no doubt thinking back to the night club when she had been a witch to him.
“Yeah. We’ll just grab a burger or something. Nothing fancy.”
“I don’t know,” he said doubtfully and Erica continued to shake her head.
“C’mon. I could use the company,” I said, playing on both their guilt. Despite what Erica thought, I knew a guy like Sean could be good for her. Plus, on a selfish note, trying to make my cousin happy brought me some personal joy and I could use as much of that right now as I could get.
“Okay,” Sean relented and when I smiled over to Erica, she sighed, glaring even more harshly at me.
“Great. Let’s meet at Tasty Burger in an hour then.”
“See you in an hour,” he said and then the phone went dead.
“You’re such a bitch,” Erica said and I laughed.
“Call me all the names you want, but I know what’s good for you, Erica Hale.”
“You don’t know crap,” she said, and I just laughed again.
“C’mon. Let’s get ready to go.”
“I’m seriously mad at you, Caroline,” Erica said, her voice serious this time.
“Don’t be.”
“How awkward is this going to be? I completely shot him down the last time I saw him. Why would you do this to me?”
“Because I want to go out. I want to be with friends. I want to try and enjoy my first night back instead of sitting here thinking about the fact that Adam isn’t here or that my father is gone. I need this and you do, too.” Her eyes were wide after my unexpected proclamation.
“Well, when you put it that way, how can I say no?” she said with slight sarcasm.
“I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “I shouldn’t make this all about me. If you really don’t want to go, I’ll call Sean back and cancel.”
“No,” she said. “It’s fine. You’re right. We should go out and Sean is a nice guy. It would be nice to see him again.”
“Thank you,” I said, giving her a grateful smile. She just nodded at me sympathetically, grabbed her bag and headed upstairs.
~~~
For someone who didn’t want to see Sean again, Erica had put a lot of effort into her appearance. Before we left, she’d reapplied her makeup and let her curly hair out of the ponytail she had been wearing all day. It now hung in soft curls past her shoulders and she’d raided my closet, exchanging the t-shirt she’d been wearing for one of mine: a long-sleeved cotton number with black stripes. The shirt was baggy on me, but a perfect fit on Erica thanks to her ample chest. She looked cute and I had a feeling Sean would think so too.
He was waiting for us when we walked into Tasty Burger. It had become a favorite place of mine. It was close to Fenway and I’d stopped there frequently throughout the season.
Sean looked nervous as he stood in the corner, his hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans. His wavy brown hair was hanging on his forehead and I couldn’t help but think if they ever had children, between both of their curls, the kids would have the most incredible heads of hair ever.
“Hey,” he said as we approached and then his eyes drifted almost instantly to Erica. “Hi, Erica. It’s good to see you again.”
“You too, Sean,” she said and I thought these two were seriously daft if they couldn’t feel the chemistry between them.
“Should we order?” I asked and they both nodded.
We went to the counter and after we had our food, we found a booth in the back of the restaurant and started eating. My appetite still wasn’t fully back, so I picked at my food while Erica and Sean had no trouble with their dinners at all.
“How has everything been at work?” I asked.
“Alright. Ron and Brett are ready for you to come back though.”
“I’m sure you all are managing just fine without me.”
“We’re managing, but you’re definitely missed,” he said and he had no idea what his words meant to me. It was hard enough leaving Silver Falls to come back here, but to know my co-workers valued me, made it a little easier.
“I’m certain Frank hasn’t missed me.”
“I think he has, mostly because he knows what an ass he’s been to you,” he said softly.
“Maybe he’ll start acting like a human being finally,” I said and Sean laughed.
“It’s doubtful, but one can hope,” he said and then his eyes moved to Erica.
“And how about you, Erica? How have you been since we last saw each other?” His eyes remained steady on hers and she didn’t look away either.
“Aside from the obvious, I’ve been okay. Just working,” she answered and then it grew quiet for a few moments and Sean looked back at me.
“I don’t mean to overstep, but how’s your family, Caroline?”
“We’re in shock. We’re just trying to make sense of it all. Trying to keep things as normal as possible when nothing feels normal anymore.”
“I know the feeling,” he said and when I looked at Sean across the table, the look in his eyes told me he truly did understand. “We lost my sister five years ago.”
“Oh my gosh,” I gasped quietly. I could see the look of surprise on Erica’s face as well. “I’m sorry, Sean. I didn’t know.”
“Mary was killed in a car crash on her way home from college. It almost destroyed my family.”
“But it didn’t?” I asked hopefully.
“No, it didn’t,” he said reassuringly and I didn’t know why his words brought me such comfort, but they did. “At the beginning, you’re just trying to understand why. You’re angry at the world. At God. Then you just miss them to the point you think the grief will eat you alive.”
I watched as Sean’s gaze seemed to stare off into nothing, obviously thinking about that time. I could see the pain was still there and then I started thinking about my father and my own pain. I felt my throat tightening and I tried to keep the tears away.
“And what do you do then?” I asked cautiously.
“You keep going and then one day, it doesn’t hurt quite as much. You remember them and you love them, but you make it through each day and you keep going because you know that’s what they would want.”
I looked across the table at Sean and a tear fell down my cheek then. I was embarrassed he saw me cry. While Sean and I were friends, we weren’t that close. I didn’t want to appear weak, but he looked at me sympathetically and I didn’t think he thought I was weak.
“Thank you, Sean. I needed to hear that,” I said softly, wiping the tears away quickly. Sean smiled shyly at me, obviously not a fan of the praise. I looked at Erica then. Her eyes were on the table, but she was looking at Sean through lowered lashes, as if she was seeing something in him for the first time and I hoped she might finally be realizing she deserved a man like this in her life.
“Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed everyone, maybe we should talk about something else,” Sean said with a nervous laugh.
“It wasn’t depressing. It was perfect,” Erica said, raising her eyes to finally look at Sean and he smiled at her across the table.
“I think I’m going to go use the bathroom,” I said suddenly, thinking I should give Erica and Sean some time alone. I knew Erica didn’t want to indulge me, but I thought maybe if I was gone, if even for a few minutes, she might change her mind.
I excused myself before either of them could object. I wanted a moment to myself as well. Sean had got me thinking and I was grateful for his words.
I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. My eyes were a little red, but at least I didn’t look like the blubbering fool I thought I would. I took a paper towel, wetting it and dabbing at my eyes a little, hoping it would help. I took a deep breath and looked back in the mirror, thinking about what Sean had said. My heart ached for his family’s loss, but his words had given me hope. Maybe it wouldn’t always hurt this badly.
I threw the paper towel away and then headed back to the table. I stopped before getting there though, watching Erica and Sean. They were both smiling and leaning in close to each other. I felt a smile on my face at the sight.
I cleared my throat and they both looked up at me, each of them moving away from each other quickly.
“Everything okay?” I asked with a grin.
“Yep,” Erica replied and Sean nodded too.
I sat back down and then looked at both of them.
“Did I miss anything?” I asked and they both shook their heads.
“I was just telling Erica about our project,” he said, but I had a feeling they hadn’t been talking about work.
“Why don’t you fill me in too?” I asked, looking at Sean and he obliged until we were done with dinner.
We said goodbye to Sean and headed back to my apartment. It was almost eight o’clock and I was tired. It felt as if I was perpetually tired though. Emotional drainage will do that to you.
I tossed my purse onto the table and turned to Erica.
“Thank you for coming to dinner. It was nice to get out and just be normal for a change,” I said to her.
“It was nice,” she agreed with an amiable smile. “Sean’s really sweet.”
“You already knew that though. I thought he was too sweet.”
“He is,” she said quickly, “but that doesn’t mean I’m not appreciative of what he said tonight. To give you a perspective no one else can. He knows how you’re feeling. He’s been through it.”
“It was good to talk to him. He made me hopeful in a way that maybe someday it won’t always hurt like this.” She rested her hand on my arm and smiled sympathetically. “I saw the way you were looking at him.”
Her hand dropped and she scoffed.
“I wasn’t looking at him in any way special,” she said defensively.
“Yes, you were and you know you were,” I said and she didn’t disagree right away. “You should’ve seen the two of you when I came back from the bathroom. It was rather sweet actually. You seemed quite engaged in conversation and I know it wasn’t about work like Sean said.”
“Would you please stop trying to make something out of nothing. Sean’s a nice guy. That has already been established, but so what? First of all, nothing serious could ever come of it anyway. His name is Sean Ericson. If we got married, I’d be Erica Ericson. That’s a hard line,” she said and I started laughing.
“I think that’s kind of cute actually and memorable, too.”
“Okay. If that doesn’t deter me, even if I was interested in sweet as sugar Sean, he lives in Boston and I live in Silver Falls.”
“Mere formalities,” I scoffed.
“There’s nothing mere about 350 miles, Caroline.”
“Adam and I made it work.”
“And you and Adam are kindred spirits. Fated together since the beginning of time. Sean is a guy you work with.”
“You’re being a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”
“Maybe I am, but I’m trying to prove a point. Sean is nice and maybe I was wrong to discount him, but we’re hardly you and Adam. No one is you and Adam.”
“But you could be Erica and somebody and I think somebody like Sean is the direction you need to be going, whether it’s in Silver Falls or somewhere else.”
“And if Sweet Caroline declares it, it must be true.” She grinned at me and I grinned back.
“You can’t argue with the truth.”
We both laughed and I started locking up.
“I know it’s early, but I have to get up for work and you’re heading back early, so what do you say we change into our pajamas and watch some TV upstairs.”
“That sounds like an excellent suggestion,” she said, following me to the bedroom.
We changed and crawled into bed, flipping the TV to the Red Sox game that was still on. Adam wasn’t pitching, but I hoped to catch a glimpse of him in the dugout. We hadn’t spoken since the morning and I knew we wouldn’t talk again tonight. Since the game was in Cleveland, it would end later than the East Coast games and I’d hopefully be asleep by then. I missed him. I missed being in our place with him, especially after everything.
As if the cameraman was privy to my thoughts, Adam appeared on the screen standing next to another one of the starting pitchers who wasn’t playing tonight. They weren’t talking. Adam was staring intently at the field, a straight line on his face, seemingly deep in thought. Something told me he was thinking about me just as I was thinking of him.
His image was gone a moment later and I handed the remote to Erica, telling her to change it to whatever she wanted to watch. I’d seen Adam and now I wanted to sleep. Tomorrow I would wake up, go to work and begin the first day of my new reality. I hoped it wouldn’t be as hard as I feared.