Seventeen
It felt good to be home. I hadn’t been back since I moved to Boston. It was amazing how much could change in two months. My father had upgraded to a new milking system. He insisted it was more efficient. Sawyer insisted it was nothing but a pain and too expensive. Their bickering made me chuckle. I’d missed it. I’d missed a lot of things about home, including my mother’s cooking.
I was only home for a few days, but she was determined to make the most of it. I wished I could’ve stayed longer, but I was still new to the job and couldn’t take any more time off. It was a double-edged sword, my job. I was grateful to have it. I loved what I did and I was good at it, but it also kept me from things as well. Namely Adam’s performance at the All-Star Game.
He’d been ecstatic when learning of this selection to the American League team and I couldn’t have been prouder. He’d had a great season so far and he deserved the spot. It broke my heart I couldn’t go with him to the festivities in San Diego though. He’d insisted it was okay and that he understood. I believed him too, but I still felt guilty not being there.
“You have to think of yourself, Care,” he’d said to me. “I have to go to San Diego for my job and you have to stay here for your job. It’s the way it is. I understand that.” He’d touched my cheek gently in the way he did that sent chills over my body and then kissed me so gently that I could feel the truth to his words. He didn’t harbor any resentment towards me and so he’d flown out to San Diego the Sunday before the All-Star game and flew home on Wednesday, the day after. He’d pitched one inning in the third inning. He struck out one and walked one, but thanks to a double-play, no runs had scored on his watch and as I watched him smile after his stint on the mound from my spot in front of the TV, I knew he was happy and I’d never been prouder.
He was glad to be back in Silver Falls too. I knew he was. Whenever we crossed into the border of our hometown, it felt different. We were different. We were taken back to where it’d all began as kids and then again when he’d come back and we’d fallen in love. It was our place and it was good to be back.
It took me a moment to remember where I was though when I woke up in my old bed in my old room, the only room I’d ever known until I moved in with Adam. Even though Adam and I were living together, neither of us felt comfortable sharing a bed in my parents’ house. I’d missed him during the night. The feel of him next to me. The sound of his breathing I’d grown so accustomed to. He’d stayed in the stable house with Sawyer. They were getting up early for a round of golf at the course in Burlington. It was to be Sawyer’s equivalent of a bachelor party. A few of his other friends would be joining them. I was glad my brother hadn’t wanted the whole going and getting drunk with lap dances thing. He might’ve been wild at one point, but he’d long outgrown that.
I turned towards the alarm clock that had rested on my nightstand since junior high. It read just after nine. I hadn’t realized how late it was. I guess I’d just been too comfortable in my old bed to get up early. I knew Sawyer and Adam would be gone already and when I reached for my phone, sure enough there was a message waiting for me from Adam.
ADAM: HEY SLEEPYHEAD. HEADED OUT TO GOLF. NOT SURE WHEN I’LL BE BACK. LOVE YOU.
I smiled at his message and then typed back, telling him to have fun and that I loved him too before finally getting up and jumping in the shower.
I pulled on a pair of old cut-offs and a t-shirt and then dried my hair before pulling it back into a loose braid and heading downstairs.
My mom was there, sitting in the kitchen. She looked up when she saw me and smiled. My mom had always been a sweet woman, but now, she seemed to look at me differently. She seemed to watch me a little bit longer and with eyes that were just a little bit softer. Perhaps it was because I wasn’t around every day the way I used to be.
“Hey, Mom,” I said, walking over and giving her a kiss on the top of her head before reaching for a bowl to pour a bowl of cereal into.
“Good morning, sweetie,” she replied. “I would’ve made you breakfast, but I didn’t want to wake you.”
“It’s fine,” I said, smiling in reassurance. “I’m happy with cereal.” I reached for the Frosted Flakes and poured it into my bowl, grabbing the milk from the fridge next and then sitting down across form her at the table.
“You slept late. Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said dismissively. “I guess I was just tired.” She looked at me with what I could only describe as trepidation. “What is it, Mom?” I asked her.
“Nothing,” she said.
“You’re not a very good liar,” I said with a quiet laugh and she drew her eyes up to mine again.
“It’s just really good to have you home, sweetheart.” She placed her hand over mine and smiled at me.
“It’s good to be home. It’s hard to believe how much I miss this place sometimes.”
“How do you like Boston?” she asked.
“It’s good. Definitely different than Silver Falls,” I added.
“And your job’s still going well?”
“Yes. Very well. We’re working on a really exciting project right now with retinal scanning. Cutting edge stuff.”
“That’s amazing,” she said, shaking her head. “Sometimes I look at you and I wonder how your father and I ever created such an amazing girl.”
“C’mon, Mom,” I said with a sarcastic grin. “It’s getting a little deep in here.”
“I mean it, Caroline. Neither your father or I graduated college. Your father’s been a farmer his whole life and I’ve been a wife and mom, but yet, here you sit, working on things like retinal scanners. I’m so proud of you. So proud.” She squeezed my hand and I felt my cheeks redden. I knew my parents were proud of me, but hearing it again humbled me.
“Well, none of it would’ve been possible without you and Dad. You are the best parents anyone could ask for.”
She smirked and rolled her eyes.
“Now it’s your turn to knock it off,” she said with a laugh. “We’re not the best. We simply did the best we could.”
“And you did a great job,” I told her and she squeezed my hand one more time before pulling back.
“And you and Adam? Things are good?” she asked.
“Yes. They’re great.”
“He travels a lot though. It must be hard.”
“It’s not easy,” I sighed.
“I don’t think I’ve ever spent more than a handful of nights away from your father. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be.”
“I manage and I know there are so many people who have it a million times worse than I do,” I told her with a quiet laugh.
“Very true,” she agreed as I took the last few bites of my cereal and then got up to put it in the sink.
“Where’s Dad?” I asked. I knew the morning milking had all been done, but he was still outside.
“I think he’s getting ready to head out to Olmstead’s to get some hay.”
“Maybe I can tag along,” I said and she smiled.
“I think he’d like that,” she told me. I walked over, giving her a quick hug from where she was still seated and then headed out the front door.
It was a warm day. Typical of mid-July. The air was heavy, but the sky was blue. The rolling hills that surrounded our small farm were emerald green and I stopped at the top of the porch steps for a few seconds, just taking it all in, remembering how beautiful Silver Falls truly was. A place which seemed to be untouched by time.
I heard the rumble of my dad’s old truck and then it pulled out of the garage. I quickly trotted down the steps and waved to my dad. The truck stopped in front of the house and I walked to the passenger door, opening it.
“Want some company?” I asked and he smiled at me.
“I’d love some,” he said and I hopped inside before the truck continued down the dirt road until it met the highway and he made a right turn.
“This is an unexpected surprise, Care Bear,” he said, using the old moniker he’d given me as a baby. He barely used it anymore, and it made me smile, reminding me of the times I used to sit in this same truck as a kid, making the same drive to the same hay and feed store.
I used to love making these trips with my dad. It’d been ages since I had and I was swarmed with memories of a time not so long ago, but felt as if it had been forever. The old blue Ford had been around as long as I could remember. It wasn’t so much blue anymore as it was gray. Time and sun will do that to an old work truck. My dad used to listen to the baseball games on the radio as we drove during the summer time. He’d once told me that baseball is the only game you can see on the radio and I remember listening to the Red Sox announcer giving a play by play of the game, my dad yelling out in disgust when the Sox got out and then cheering wildly when they’d score a run. When it wasn’t baseball season, the tuner would be stuck on the country station. I swear my dad was born to be a cowboy sometimes and not a New England dairy farmer. When I was thirteen, he let me drive the old truck in an open field on our way to Olmstead’s. He made me promise not to tell my mom and to this day, I never had.
“What’s the occasion?” he asked, drawing me back from my reverie.
“I guess I just wanted to spend some time with my old man.”
“Hey,” he said, reaching over and nudging me. “Fifty-two is not old.”
“I’m just teasing you, Dad. You know that.”
“Yeah, I know, but don’t tease about age. Before you know it, you’ll be old too.”
He started laughing, the deep booming laugh I loved so much.
“What’re we getting at Olmstead’s?” I asked him once his laughter died down.
“Hay, obviously.”
“Nothing else?”
“Nope. Don’t need anything else, especially after the new milkers. I’m not replacing the parts the way I used to.”
“Sawyer doesn’t like the new system,” I told him and I heard him snicker.
“That’s because your brother thinks he knows everything and he doesn’t know squat.”
It was my turn to laugh.
“Is Sawyer getting too big for his britches?”
“Always has been. I’ve been running that farm for twenty-eight years. I know a thing or two about farming. Hopefully your brother will start to listen to me one of these days.”
“I love when the two of you bicker. It makes for good entertainment.”
“I’m glad we can bring you so many good laughs,” he said just as he pulled the truck into the parking lot of Olmstead’s.
Being a Friday morning, it wasn’t that busy and in no time, the bed was weighted down with hay and we were making our way back to the farm. We didn’t talk much on the drive home. Since there was no baseball game, the quiet sounds of Blake Shelton escorted us back home.
My dad backed the truck up to the barn and I helped him start to unload the bales, stacking them next to the already healthy supply. It wasn’t easy work and when I was done, I felt as if I needed another shower. Thanks to the warmth and humidity, I could feel drops of sweat dripping between my breasts and beading around my hairline.
“I hope the weather’s nicer tomorrow for the wedding,” I said, wiping my forehead with the back of my hand.
“It’s supposed to be. Lower humidity, at least,” he told me and I hoped he was right. The wedding was set to be outdoors in the gazebo on the town green. Sawyer and Lindsey had toyed with the idea of having it at the farm, and while the setting was beautiful, the sometimes-overpowering stench of cows was not appealing for a wedding and reception.
“I still can’t believe Sawyer’s getting married and is going to be a dad,” I said and I heard my dad sigh.
“You’re telling me, kid. He’s my boy and somehow, he’s all grown up now. Same goes for you. Your gram told me I’d blink one day and you two would be all grown up. I tried not to blink, but here you are. Sawyer about to get married and have a kid of his own and you living in Boston with Adam. How’d that all happen?” He was being lighthearted, but I knew there was more to his words. Sadness. Happiness. Even a little regret.
“Are you going to be okay tomorrow?” I asked and he scoffed.
“Of course, I’ll be okay. I’m happy for Sawyer. Lindsey’s a good girl. She loves him and he loves her. I can’t wait to meet my grandbaby.” There was a sweet smile on his face as he talked, one that reminded me of my grandfather, in a way. “On the other hand, if it was you getting married tomorrow, it might be a completely different story.”
“And why’s that?” I prodded.
“Because you’re my baby girl. It’s different with your daughter than with your son. I’m supposed to look out for you always. Protect you and keep you safe.”
“You have, Dad. My whole life you did that,” I said, my voice suddenly becoming softer and catching in my throat.
“I did my best, Care,” he said, expressing the same sentiments as my mother earlier. “But, when you get married, my job’s over. You won’t be my little girl anymore.”
“I’ll always be your little girl. Even when I’m sixty-five,” I said, walking over to him as I felt the burning of tears in the backs of my eyes. I hugged him tightly and I felt the strong, safe arms of my father wrap around me too. I couldn’t recall the last time we’d hugged like this, if ever. I thought I heard him sniffle. I didn’t want to embarrass him though. My dad never cried.
“I know you’re right,” he said a few moments later when we’d pulled apart. “Still doesn’t make it any easier. You’re already slipping away from me.” He laughed softly. “You’ve got Adam now. He looks after you.”
“He does, but not like you. He could never replace you,” I assured him, resting my hand on his forearm.
“You’re sweet to say that, Caroline,” he said and then paused for a few seconds before continuing. “I like Adam. I’ve always liked him though. He’s like a son to me. I’m glad you’ve chosen him. It brings me some comfort. I know he’ll look after you.”
“You act like we’re married already,” I said with a laugh.
“You will be someday,” he said.
“You’re awfully certain,” I teased.
“I am. It’ll happen. I see the way he looks at you, Caroline. It’s the way I look at your mom. You don’t look at a girl like that unless you plan on spending the rest of your life with her and raising a family.”
My dad wasn’t usually this sentimental. We rarely talked like this, but with Sawyer’s impending wedding and journey into fatherhood, a lot of emotions were coming to the surface.
“We’ll see about all that, Dad,” I told him and he grinned at me.
“Yeah, you’ll see,” he said and I felt my cheeks redden. “Adam’s a good man.” I couldn’t argue with that and so I simply nodded. “C’mon, Care. Let me show you those new milkers your brother’s hassling me about and then you’ll be siding with me,” he said and I couldn’t help but laugh. He motioned towards the other side of the barn and I smiled, not hesitating as I followed.
~~~
I was sitting on the porch, gliding slowly in the white rocking chair. I was halfway through a book I’d started after lunch and couldn’t seem to pull myself away from it. I looked up when I heard the crunching of rocks and dirt beneath tires. Adam’s truck was moving slowly up the driveway and then eased to a stop in front of the house.
I could see Adam and Sawyer through the windshield. Adam smiled when our eyes met and a moment later, he’d climbed out of the truck and was walking up the porch steps, followed by my brother.
“Hey,” he said, bending down and kissing me quickly on the lips.
“How was golf?” I asked as he sat down on the open chair beside me. Sawyer remained by the stairs, leaning against the railing.
“I kicked his ass,” my brother said smugly and Adam scoffed.
“I let him win. I can’t always be the best at everything.”
“I don’t know what you see in this pompous ass, Care,” Sawyer teased and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“You had a good time then?” I said.
“We did,” Sawyer answered. “But I’m gonna go grab a shower and then head over to Lindsey’s before the dinner tonight,” he said, referring to the dinner my family had planned at The Silver Falls House for Lindsey’s family and ours. It was taking the place of the traditional rehearsal dinner, but there was nothing to rehearse for since the wedding would only be Sawyer and Lindsey in front of a justice of the peace. They weren’t having any formal attendants, even though it was assumed Adam would be the best man and would be responsible for the handling of the ring before the ceremony.
“We’ll see you there then,” I said and Sawyer trotted back down the stairs and headed towards the stable house.
“How’s he doing?” I asked Adam once Sawyer was out of earshot.
“Seems alright, but he seems a little nervous too.”
“Yeah?” I asked curiously.
“I think it’s hitting him that tomorrow is it. Tomorrow he’ll have a wife and in a few months, a kid too.”
“Does he seem happy about it though?” I asked hopefully because my brother had seemed nothing but confident in his decision to marry Lindsey.
“Oh yeah,” Adam answered quickly. “He can’t wait to marry Lindsey. Still doesn’t mean he’s not scared. I’d be scared out of my damn mind.” Adam laughed quietly and I felt a twinge of pain at his last remark. I don’t know why, but I did.
“Does marriage scare you that much?” I asked him and he cocked his head to the side, eyeing me curiously. I instantly regretted my question.
“In a way…yeah,” he answered and I felt my back stiffen in the chair. Adam and I hadn’t spoken about marriage directly. It was implied that we both thought our future was together, but the M word hadn’t been discussed formally.
“Why is that?” I asked and he was quiet for a few moments before answering me.
“Because I’m afraid of not being a good enough man that a woman could love for the rest of her life.”
I felt my chair stop rocking and my eyes locked with his. I could see the truth to his words. The self-doubt that always seemed to be there in some way, even when I couldn’t understand how he could doubt himself.
“You don’t have anything to be afraid of, Adam,” I said softly, leaning forward and taking his hand in both of mine. My hands seemed so small compared to his and I could feel the callouses from the baseball. The story of his life and all he had worked so hard for.
“You think you could love me for the rest of your life, Caroline Hale?” he asked, the right side of his mouth pulling up into a playful grin.
“I know I could love you for the rest of my life, Adam DeLain,” I answered back and his half-smile eased into a full one as he slowly leaned forward, closing the space between us, stopping just shy of my face so our lips hovered so close together I could almost taste him. His hand was on my cheek then, brushing my skin softly as his eyes moved over mine. I hoped he would never stop looking at me the way he was now.
“Do you want to know what I’m afraid of about marriage?” I asked softly, our lips still so close.
“What scares you?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Only having one life to spend with the man I love.”
I’d barely gotten the words out before his lips pressed to mine, so soft and gentle, yet so powerful at the same time. I may only have one life, but I knew, without a doubt, I wanted to spend it with him. There was nothing that could change that.