Thirty-Two
Thirty days can go by so slowly and yet so fast at the same time. It was hard to believe my father had been gone a month; that it had been even longer since I heard his voice, since the life I had always known changed forever. Looking back on the month, it seemed a lifetime ago that Sean was walking me into the conference room where Adam delivered the news that had devastated me, but at the same time, the month had also flown by. We had buried my father and I had returned to work. Sawyer and my mother continued to run the farm and Adam had been home the last two weeks on an extended home stand. The stretch of games in Boston came at exactly the right time. He was home with me every night and life felt almost normal again, even with the perpetual ache in my heart that would always be there, missing my father. I tried staying positive because I knew my father would want that, but I wasn’t always able to keep it up. There were moments of weakness when memories would creep into my thoughts or I would hear a song that reminded me of my dad, and I would find myself crying. I tried to hide it from Adam, but he had found me on more than one occasion, lost in my sadness. He wouldn’t say anything. I would just feel his arms around me and he would simply hold me, not asking me any questions or telling me it would be alright. He just let me cry, and afterwards, I would feel a little better.
I tried to remember those feelings so when he was gone, like now, I could retreat to my mind when I was feeling down and hope the memories could help. I’d been lucky to have him home for nearly two weeks, but on the Thursday before Labor Day, Adam left for Minneapolis. After the series with Twins, it was onto the Brewers for interleague play and then onto Kansas City before coming back to Boston for a final series against the Yankees before the play-offs began. Even though Adam and the team were in contention to win the American League East, I would be glad when baseball season was over. I’d never tell him that though. I was proud of Adam’s comeback season, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t anxious to have him around more.
I hadn’t been home since returning to Boston and I decided to surprise Sawyer and my mom with a visit over the long weekend. As far as I knew, they hadn’t hired anyone yet and I knew having an extra set of hands for a few days could help.
It was too late to leave Friday after work and so I woke up early Saturday and was on the road to Silver Falls by seven o’clock. I was a mix of emotions as I left the city behind and got closer to Vermont. It would be the first time I was home since my father’s funeral, since we all began the journey to navigate our new reality. I knew it would be different coming home this time. There wouldn’t be swarms of people at the house or constant meals being delivered. It would be my first glimpse into seeing how the farm was being run without the guidance of my father.
It was just after ten-thirty when I turned off the highway and onto the long dirt driveway. The farm came into view a moment later and I felt tears begin to form in my eyes. I took in a deep breath and pulled my little sedan in front of the house. Sawyer’s SUV was there and when I saw the barn door was open, I figured he was inside.
I got out of the car and headed towards it. I peeked inside, but it was quiet. The morning milking was done and everything had been cleaned up. If Sawyer wasn’t in here, I knew he was out in the pasture.
I quickened my pace as I walked towards the open field peppered with the familiar black and white cows. A few loud moos greeted me and as silly as it sounded, it brought me joy because it reminded me so much of home.
It didn’t take me long to see my brother. He had the tractor loaded down with hay. It was off and he was tossing the bales into the field.
“Sawyer!” I called out, surprised at how happy my voice sounded. He froze mid-toss and turned around, the hay still in his hands. He dropped it when he saw me and even from a distance I could see the confusion on his face. I expected him to smile at the sight of me, but it didn’t come.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked as I approached and I stopped in my tracks, taken aback by his greeting.
“Excuse me?” I asked and he shook his head quickly as if he was clearing it.
“I’m sorry, Care,” he said, his voice gentler this time. “I…I just didn’t expect to see you. You shocked me.”
“You’re happy to see me though, right?” I asked, not sure what the true answer was based on his reaction.
“Yeah…yeah, of course,” he said, pulling me in for a hug, the familiar scent of a farmer consuming me. A mixture or hard work and sacrifice. “But, what are you doing here?” he asked when he let me go.
“I wanted to surprise you and Mom. Adam left on Thursday and it’s a long weekend, so I thought I’d come hang out and maybe have a little barbeque or something for Labor Day,” I said, watching him curiously to see how he would respond. “I hope that’s okay. I haven’t been home since it all happened. I miss you guys.” His face softened into apologies when he heard the way my voice dipped.
“Of course, it’s okay. You just caught me off-guard.”
“Where’s Mom? I don’t see her car.”
“She had to go into town. I don’t know when she’ll be back.”
“Do you know if she has anything planned for dinner? I could run to the market and whip something up.”
“To be honest, Care, I don’t know what she has planned,” he said and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something off about my brother.
“Are you okay, Sawyer?” I asked, resting my hand on his arm. “Besides the obvious, I mean.”
“Yeah. I’m good,” he said, but I caught a quick glimpse of a frown on his face before he smiled at me.
“Can I do anything to help out here or should I go into town?”
“Go ahead and go to the market. I’ll be done here soon.”
“Okay. As long as you’re sure,” I said hesitantly.
“I’m sure. What are you going to make for dinner?”
“I don’t know. Any requests?” I asked and I could tell he was thinking.
“Pork chops?” he asked more like a question than an actual answer.
“You got it,” I told him and again, I waited for the familiar smile I was used to seeing on my brother, but it didn’t come right away. It was delayed and when it did come, it looked forced. “You’re sure you’re okay, Sawyer?” I asked.
“Yeah. Don’t worry about me. I’m just tired. Lindsey hasn’t been feeling great…”
“Is she okay? What about the baby?”
“Relax, Care. Everything’s fine. She just has a cold and there’s not much you can take when you’re pregnant to get relief.”
“Okay,” I said, my hand going to my chest in relief. “I just want to make sure everything’s okay with my nephew.” It was just last week they had found out they were having a boy. Sawyer had called me bursting with excitement and it felt good to have something to celebrate in our family.
“He’s fine. Don’t worry about him,” Sawyer said and then he smiled the smile I was waiting for and I told myself I was reading too deeply into before.
“I’ll try not to,” I said, smiling back at him. “I won’t be long at the store,” I said and he nodded, bending over to pick up the hay again as I turned to head back to my car.
I didn’t know what kind of reception I was expecting, but it was different than the one I’d received. I knew I’d surprised Sawyer, but he didn’t seem himself. His mind seemed preoccupied. It made sense it would be. I hadn’t seen him since right after my father’s funeral. We talked almost every day, but maybe he was having a harder time dealing with everything than he was letting on. As I headed to town, I thought it was a good thing I’d come home.
I wasn’t long at the market. I decided to make a pork chop and rice casserole I knew everyone liked and it didn’t require a lot of ingredients. I was home forty-five minutes later.
My mom’s car was in front of the house when I pulled up. She walked onto the porch when I stepped out of my car.
“Caroline, sweetie,” she said, smiling at me. “Sawyer told me you were here. What a great surprise.”
She walked down the steps and hugged me with open arms. Her reaction was more what I was expecting.
“I hope you don’t mind I didn’t tell you I was coming. I thought a surprise would be nice.”
“And it is, honey. It really is.” She pulled back and looked me over before hugging me again. “I’ve missed you, sweetheart.”
“I’ve missed you guys, too, which is why I wanted to come spend the long weekend at home.”
“Well, we’re glad to have you and Sawyer said you were even going to make dinner.”
“Yeah, pork chops and rice.”
“Sounds great. I hadn’t even given dinner a thought,” she said as I picked up the grocery bags and followed her inside.
“I was surprised you weren’t home when I got here,” I said when we walked into the kitchen and I started unloading the bags.
“I was down at the bank taking care of some paperwork.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine. Things just get complicated when someone passes away,” she said and even though I knew she was trying to sound upbeat, I could hear the way her voice dipped.
“Is it all settled now?” I asked, feeling like a stranger suddenly. I’d gone back to Boston while Sawyer and my mom remained back here to take care of everything.
“It’s getting there.”
“Is that why you haven’t hired anyone yet to help out?” I asked and she sighed, turning to look at me with folded arms.
“Are we playing a game of twenty questions or something?”
“No. I just want to see how everything’s going. I’m all the way in Boston and you and Sawyer haven’t told me much about what’s going on aside from that everything’s fine.”
“We’re fine, Caroline. We’re figuring things out. It’s just taking a little more time than we expected, but we’re fine. Sawyer’s got things under control and the family is pitching in.”
“I should be pitching in too then if there’s a problem.”
“Caroline,” she said, raising her voice a little. I could hear the annoyance. “There’s no problem. Would you just let us handle things? Please?”
I looked at her for a moment, surprised by her tone, but I nodded.
“Yes. I’m sorry,” I said softly and it was quiet again as we finished putting things away.
“We should have a cookout or something tomorrow since you’ll be here. I know Labor Day’s not till Monday, but I’m sure you’ll be heading back to Boston in the afternoon.”
“Tomorrow’s great.”
“I’ll call the family and see who can come. We can focus on that instead of everything else. It’ll be a nice distraction, having you home.”
She smiled again and reached over and squeezed my hand.
“It’s good to be home,” I said, smiling back.
“I’m going to go start calling people then,” she said, walking away, but I stopped her before she could walk out of the room.
“Mom?” I called to her and she turned around. “I know you told me not to worry about how everything’s going with the farm, but what about you? How are you holding up? Honestly?” I asked softly and I watched as her gaze seemed to look out into nothing before meeting my eyes again.
“I get up. I get out of bed and I make it through the day,” she began quietly with a shaky voice, “and then I do it all over again.”
“Mom…” I said, choking up, wishing I hadn’t asked her about it in the first place now that I could see just how much pain she was still in.
“It’s okay, Caroline,” she said softly and then paused for a second before speaking again. “I’m really glad you’re here. We need something good right now.”
Before I could say anything else, she had turned and walked out of the room and I wiped the tear that was falling down my cheek.
~~~
We didn’t talk about my mom’s admission again. I made dinner. Sawyer and Lindsey came over and we spent the evening talking about everything but my father or the farm. We talked about the baby. I told them about what I was working on at work. We talked about the small cookout that would be happening the next day and we watched the Red Sox game. It was a quiet evening and after the game, Sawyer and Lindsey left. My mom and I stayed up a little longer. I thought about asking her about our conversation earlier, but something told me not to. I determined the mention of my father set her back emotionally when she was struggling just to keep it together. I wanted to make sure she had the support she needed, but I decided that could wait till another time.
When I woke up the next morning though, I knew that conversation wouldn’t be for a while. My mom seemed happy when I walked downstairs. I had set my alarm to wake up early so I could help Sawyer with the cows. He was already at the table eating the waffles she had made and I took a seat beside him. She said good morning in a cheerful voice and talked about the spur of the moment barbeque my surprise visit had prompted.
When breakfast was over, Sawyer and I went out to the barn. I tried making conversation with him, but he was quiet, telling me he hadn’t slept well since Lindsey had been up with reflux, and so I didn’t press him. Like my mom said, she wanted to focus on the good of my being here and not worry about the stresses in our lives.
Even though Sawyer and I didn’t talk as much as I would’ve liked, there was something comforting about being here with him in this place where we had spent so much time with our father. In a way, it felt like he was with us. It was a nice thought anyway and one that brought me comfort.
We finished up in the early afternoon and I went inside to shower while Sawyer headed to the stable house to clean up. My mom had managed to whip up quite a spread with such short notice, but she seemed happy to do so. It gave her something to focus on other than the fact her husband had died.
When I was out of the shower, I slid on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, dried and braided my hair and then headed downstairs.
“Can I do anything to help?” I asked my mom when I walked into the kitchen.
“Just help me get the food out of the fridge and onto the counter. Sawyer’s got the grill going already and people should be here soon. Not as many could come unfortunately due to short notice, but it’ll be nice to have company. The farm seems awfully big sometimes,” she said and her words brought an ache to my heart. I hated that she felt so alone.
I went to the fridge and pulled out the different dishes my mom had made. There was so much food: potato salad, cucumber salad, a veggie and fruit tray, baked beans and Sawyer would grill up hamburgers and hot dogs. I couldn’t wait to dig in. I’d missed my mother’s cooking.
It wasn’t long after that my grandmother and Erica pulled up, followed by my a few of my aunts and uncles. As they all arrived, I noticed it was practically the same crowd that had greeted me at the house when I came back to Silver Falls the day my father died.
We sat around the house, talking and mingling. It would have been a great day to be outside, but a barbeque outside at a dairy farm wasn’t always a great idea depending on the direction of the wind and today, it was an easy decision to stay inside.
It was one of the quietest family gatherings I could recall. We were usually laughing and joking, but that still didn’t feel right, and so we talked quietly, just enjoying the fact we were together and trying not to think too much about the hole my father’s absence had left in our family. Despite that though, being with my family was exactly what I needed.
Once the sun started to set, people started to leave. Erica decided to stay back though and one of my uncles drove my grandmother home. She helped me do the dishes and tidy up the kitchen while Sawyer cleaned up the grill.
“I know you wanted to surprise Sawyer and your mom, but why didn’t you tell me you were coming? We could’ve planned something,” she said after the kitchen was cleaned and she was following me upstairs to my bedroom. I’d spilled some ketchup on my t-shirt and wanted to change before going back downstairs to watch TV with my mom.
“You know I love you, Erica, but I really just came to see my mom and brother,” I said as I pulled off my shirt and grabbed a clean one from my bag, “and to lend a hand around the farm.”
I sat down on the bed for a moment, kicking off my Converse and sliding into a pair of flip-flops while Erica looked in the mirror, fixing her hair before turning to me. I looked up and saw a slight frown on her face that hadn’t been there before.
“I was actually kind of surprised you didn’t come sooner,” she said and I looked at her in confusion.
“Why do you say that?” I asked.
“With everything that’s going on.”
“What are you talking about? What’s going on?” I watched as the color seemed to drain from her face.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I thought you knew.”
“Knew what?” I asked, my heart starting to beat faster from nerves as I stood up from the bed.
“I’m sorry, Care. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“But you did, so tell me what you’re talking about.”
“Caroline,” she winced, shirking away, “I always have such a big mouth.”
“Yes, you do, but you’re not closing it now. Erica,” I demanded, “what are you talking about?”
She sighed, looking away for a moment and then looked back at me, tears in her eyes.
“I don’t know exactly what’s going on,” she finally began. “I just know there are some problems.”
“What kinds of problems?”
“Something to do with money or something,” she mumbled.
“What do you mean something?”
“I’m sorry, Care, but I don’t know all the details, only what I’ve overheard.”
“What do you mean overheard?” I asked, my voice raising and my face twisting in confusion.
“I heard my parents talking. Something to do with the mortgage and not being able to hire anyone. I tried asking, but they wouldn’t say anything. They told me to mind my own business.”
It was as if the blood in my veins turned to ice. I couldn’t move. The tears were stinging my eyes. For the past month, I’d lived in Boston, assured every day that things were okay. Even this weekend they had told me that. Apparently, they had been lying to my face.
“I’m sorry, Care,” she whispered, reaching for my hand. “I really thought you knew.”
I yanked my hand away in anger. It wasn’t Erica’s fault, but she had been the messenger and I couldn’t help myself.
“You should probably go home, Erica,” I said, trying to keep myself calm, but I could hear the sharpness to my voice. “I need to talk to my family.”
She looked as if she was going to protest, but she didn’t. Instead, she nodded and walked quickly out of my room and down the stairs. I was right behind her and she grabbed her purse before walking out the front door without saying goodbye to my mom.
I stood at the door, watching until she had pulled away. My hands were balled into tight fists and I closed my eyes, telling myself to be calm. Maybe Erica was mistaken. It was Erica after all. The queen of gossip and misinformation. I had to be rational about this. I had to get the truth.
I took in one more deep breath before walking slowly into the living room. My mom was on the couch, flipping through the guide on the TV. She turned to look at me when she heard me walk in the room. She had a smile on her face until she saw me. Her smile disappeared then.
“Where’s Erica? I thought she was staying to visit for a while,” she said.
“I told her to go home.” My voice was monotone and unwavering.
“Why would you do that?”
“Because I need to talk to you and Sawyer,” I said flatly and I watched as she shifted uncomfortably on the couch.
“About what, sweetheart?” she asked. I couldn’t believe she was still lying to me.
“You know what,” I said, meeting her eyes. I could tell by the way she looked back at me that there was some credence to Erica’s story. Something was definitely wrong on the Hale Farm.
My mom leaned forward on the couch, picking up her phone from the coffee table. She dialed something and then put it to her ear.
“Sawyer,” she said softly. “Can you come inside? Caroline would like to talk to us.”
I could tell he was saying something back to her, but a few seconds later, she hung up and then we waited in silence for Sawyer.
We didn’t have to wait long. The door opened and Sawyer walked in, the same nervous expression on his face as my mother’s.
“What’s going on?” Sawyer asked and my mother stood up, joining my brother and I.
“Am I a member of this family?” I asked curtly and both of their faces remained like stone.
“Of course, you are,” my mom answered.
“Then why have you been lying to me? Why have you been telling me that everything is okay here when it’s not?” I asked, my voice raising in frustration.
“Caroline,” my mom said, gently, reaching for me, but I backed away.
“Please don’t do this,” I said, trying to fight the tears forming in my eyes. “Please just tell me the truth. Erica already told me there’s something wrong. She’s just not sure what it is, but I can tell just by looking at the two of you that you’re keeping something from me.”
When I stopped talking, we stood in uncomfortable silence until my mom stepped forward, reaching for my hand and I let her this time without recoiling.
“Let’s go sit down,” my mom said gently. We met eyes for a second, her look all the admission I needed before I followed them into the living room.
I sat down in the recliner while they sat on the couch, side by side. Sawyer was twisting his hands nervously and I couldn’t recall a time I’d ever seen my mom look so worried.
“Would one of you please tell me what is going on?” I finally asked and my mom took in a breath before speaking.
“It’s not easy to say this,” she began and my heart was pounding now. “But, we might lose the farm.” She wiped at her eyes as a tear fell down her cheek.
“What?” I exclaimed. “Why?”
“Your father was very good at reassuring me that things were good, but as it turns out, they aren’t.” There was such hurt in her voice.
“What’s the matter? What isn’t good?” I begged and then Sawyer met my eyes, hesitating a moment before he spoke.
“Dad took out a second mortgage on the farm that we can’t repay,” he said and I felt my heart sink to my toes.
“What’re you talking about?” I asked, whipping my head around to my mother. “You didn’t know about this?”
“No, Caroline, I didn’t,” she said, her voice choking up. “Your father handled the farm. He handled the bills. I know it might sound old fashioned to you, but it was the system we set up from the start of our marriage. Call me naïve, but I wanted to live the simple life in the country, taking care of my family. I didn’t want to deal with the money and business side to the farm.”
“How could he…why…” I asked, my voice trailing off as I tried to understand.
“We’re not really sure,” Sawyer said. “But, from what we’ve learned, he was having a hard time paying the bills and making necessary updates to the farm.”
“I thought the farm was okay, I mean, the contract with Cabot Cheese…we still have that, right?”
“We do, but that’s not cutting it anymore. I don’t think it has been for a while. You don’t realize how hard it is to run a profitable family dairy farm anymore. It’s nearly impossible,” he sighed.
“And you didn’t know anything about it? Either of you?” I asked in complete disbelief.
“No, we didn’t. I only found out when I was trying to settle everything,” my mom added.
“So, what does it mean? What do we have to do?”
“He was behind on the payments. We only have three months to pay it back before they begin foreclosure proceedings,” she said, choking up again.
“And how much do we have to repay?” I asked nervously, not sure I wanted to hear the answer, but wanting everything on the table so we could figure it out.
“Around $300,000.”
The words seemed to echo in my ears and I couldn’t breathe for a second.
“$300,000?” I whispered.
“Yeah,” Sawyer answered and then I heard my mother’s voice catch as she put her head in her hands and started sobbing. Sawyer put his arm around her and my heart broke as I watched her hurting even more now. I got up from the recliner and squeezed on the cushion next to her, draping my arm around her shoulder. She continued to cry, sandwiched between my brother and I.
“What’re we going to do?” I asked softly.
“We don’t really know,” Sawyer said. “We’ve been trying to figure it out, that’s why we didn’t tell you.”
“But why? How could you keep this from me? How could you not tell me what was going on here?” I demanded and then my mom’s face slowly rose up from where it had just been buried in her hands.
“Because we wanted you to focus on your job and I wanted one of us to not be angry with your father,” she said softly, wiping at her eyes as the tears came to mine. I loved my father. I’d always considered myself blessed to have a dad like him, but now, I was mad. Mad that he could do this to our family. Mad that he hadn’t trusted us enough to tell us the farm was in trouble. Mad that he hadn’t let us try and fix the problem with him.
“I just don’t understand how he could’ve done this to us. How could he risk us losing everything?” I whispered, staring at the floor.
“Your father loved us,” my mom began. “He loved us more than anything in the world. His duty in life was to provide for us, to keep us safe. He wouldn’t want us to know he was in trouble doing that.”
“But, we could’ve helped,” I protested.
“Maybe we could have,” she agreed softly, “but we don’t know what he was thinking. I choose not to believe he would’ve done something to intentionally hurt us like this. He must’ve had a plan. He must’ve thought he could fix it, but obviously he couldn’t.” Her words came choking out. “When I found out, I felt so betrayed. We made a life together for thirty years and I couldn’t believe he’d done something like this.”
I didn’t like the feelings her words were causing in me. I had always been able to rely on my dad. He had always been there, no matter what, but as my mom had said, he had betrayed her and I didn’t know how to feel about my father anymore. Maybe he wasn’t the man I had looked up to my whole life. How would I know this though? He was gone and he had taken all of his reasons with him.
I started sobbing then, burying my face in my hands at the thought of losing the only home I had ever known. I wanted to find him. To start yelling at him, asking how he could have done this. But then I started crying even harder because I knew I couldn’t. He was gone.
“I can’t believe this. I can’t believe he’s left us like this. I’m so angry at him,” I cried quietly, but then I felt the gentle touch of my mom’s hand on my back.
“Listen, Caroline, I do not want this one decision to shape your view of your father. To destroy the lifetime of good memories you have with him. We all make bad decisions. We all do things that might sound good, but end up being regrets. As hurt as I am, I love your father and I refuse to believe he did this intentionally. He was trying to save our livelihood. He was too proud of a man to give up and he didn’t expect to die before he could make it right.”
I looked up to meet her eyes. We were all hurt, but I knew she was right. This wasn’t the sinister plan of a man living a secret life. He was my father and all he had tried to do was find a way to keep our farm…our home and I couldn’t fault him for that. My father would have done anything for his family.
“What are we going to do then? How can we make this right?” I sniffled, wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand.
“We’re working on it. We’re looking at different options. We’ll figure it out, honey.” My mom patted my knee and smiled at me. I knew she was trying to be encouraging, but I could see the fear in her eyes. She was scared.
“I wish you guys would’ve told me,” I said.
“We didn’t want you to worry. We wanted you to focus on your job,” Sawyer said.
“I get that, but still…you should’ve told me. It wasn’t fair that you were here going through this by yourselves.”
“We were not going to jeopardize what you had in Boston. You worked too hard for this job and we didn’t want anything to affect it,” he continued.
“It’s just a job. This is my home. You are my family and you had better not ever keep something like this from me again. Either of you. Understand?” I demanded, looking between both of them.
“Yes,” Sawyer promised and it grew quiet for a few moments.
“What options are you looking at? To save the farm?” I asked hesitantly.
“We’re trying to work with the bank,” my mom said.
“How are they working with you?”
“Well, they’ve given us two extra months. Originally, it was just going to be thirty days.”
“So, now we have three months to come up with the money or sell the farm,” Sawyer said, causing a pit to form in my stomach.
“We can’t sell the farm. That’s not a choice,” I said adamantly.
“None of us want that, Care,” Sawyer began, “which is why Lindsey and I are going to sell the house once it’s finished.”
“You can’t sell your house! That’s for your family!” I protested.
“It’s really the only choice we have. We could turn a profit and that money can go towards the balance.”
“But, it won’t come close to covering all of it,” I pointed out. “What about Dad’s life insurance?”
“It’s only $100,000. I’ve already earmarked that for the funeral expenses and some other bills your father had. It might leave me with $50,000 for the farm.”
“How are you going to live though, Mom? Where will you get money?” I choked out.
“I’ll still get profits from the farm and I’ll find a job if I have to. Things are going to change around here. There’s no other choice.”
“I can’t believe this,” I said, shaking my head.
“We’ll be okay and I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. It was wrong of us,” my mom said, looking at me apologetically.
“It’s okay. I understand why you did it,” I said softly. “I want to help though. I want to come home and help get things back on track.”
“No,” they both said at the same time.
“How can I just sit back in Boston and do nothing? I can’t!”
“Just let us handle it. If we need you, we’ll let you know,” my mom said and I knew I couldn’t argue with them. They wouldn’t entertain the idea of me coming home even though I couldn’t fathom going back to Boston knowing we might lose the farm.
“Fine,” I whispered and then I suddenly stood up, going to the front door and walking out into the cool evening air, needing a moment to reflect. I found myself walking down the porch steps and then I was at the barn door. Slowly, I pushed it open, heading into the darkness. I found the light and turned it on, sitting on a bale of hay and looking around the place I had grown up with tears in my eyes.
I heard the barn door creek open and I turned to see Sawyer standing there.
“Can I come in?” he asked and I nodded. Slowly, he made his way to me, sitting down on the hay next to me. We were quiet for a few moments until he finally started talking.
“I’m sorry for upsetting you, Care,” he began. “We should’ve told you what was happening.”
“You should’ve, but you didn’t. I’m over that though. Right now, all I can think about is the possibility that this could all be gone. This place we grew up in. This place Dad worked so hard to build.”
“We’re going to do everything we can to save this place. I promise you that, Caroline. We won’t give up without a fight.”
“I know, Sawyer,” I said quietly. “I know we won’t.”
I felt his arm around me then.
“We’ll be okay,” he said and then I heard the hesitation in his voice. “Even if it doesn’t end up the way we want, we’ll be okay.”
I turned to look at Sawyer. I could see it in his eyes. We had already been through so much. We had lost so much. Everyone kept saying we would be okay, but if we lost the farm, I didn’t think that would ever be possible.