Thirty-Three
I left Silver Falls the next morning, albeit reluctantly. I wanted to stay with my family as we tried to figure everything out, but they were adamant I go back to Boston and back to work, which I did. I went to work and tried not to worry about the farm, but there was always a pit in my stomach as I wondered what was happening and if it would be okay. I spoke with my family every day, but nothing had changed yet and my worry only got worse.
I don’t know why, but I didn’t tell Adam. My first thought was to call him and tell him what was going on. He was my person. The one I went to with everything, whether it was good or bad, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him this. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to tarnish my father’s reputation. I didn’t want Adam to think any less of my dad, especially since he was gone and could never do anything to redeem himself. Another part of me was afraid if I told him, he’d simply open his checkbook and settle the debt. I didn’t want that either. I wasn’t with Adam for his money. I was with him because I loved him, plain and simple, and I didn’t want him to think otherwise, if even for a second.
Usually I couldn’t wait for Adam to get home from his road trips. It was different this time though. I had been able to hide out in my own little world at work and then alone in the house at night. No one knew what I was really feeling inside. Even on the phone with Adam, I could pretend that I was okay. Having him believe me when he was home though, would be a different story.
I stayed late at work the evening Adam was supposed to get home and when I finally walked through the door and saw he was home already, I was nervous. I put a smile on my face that I hoped he would believe and made my way into the living room. He was laying down on the couch in gym shorts and a t-shirt, the length of his lean body taking up the entire couch. Even though I was anxious to have him home, it didn’t stop the warmth that filled my body knowing he was finally home.
His eyes were closed. He’d dozed off watching Fox Sports 1 and I stood there a moment, simply watching him. I should tell him. I knew I should, but I couldn’t. My family and I would figure this out. We had to.
His eyes opened slowly then and he sat up with a smile on his face when he saw me.
“Caroline,” he said in the low, sexy tone he had when just waking up.
“Hey,” I said softly, flashing a gentle smile at him.
He was off the couch a second later, walking towards me, stopping just inches from me. His arms slid around my waist, not saying another word to me before his lips were on mine, kissing me deep and slow. I’d missed his kiss. The taste of him. The feeling of his body against mine. My body responded quickly and I was kissing him back, low moans leaving my throat that were beyond my control.
“It’s good to be home,” he whispered when he’d finally pulled away, leaving me breathless.
“It’s good to have you home,” I said softly, knowing that even with everything going on, I was glad he was home. He was here. We were together again and I always felt better when Adam was with me. Tell him. I heard the words over and over in my head, but I wouldn’t say them.
“I was beginning to think you were going to stay at work all night,” he said, taking my hand and leading me over to the couch, where we sat down next to each other.
“I was trying to get some work done. I’m sorry,” I told him and he took my hand.
“No need to apologize. I was just anxious to see you.”
“How long have you been home?”
“A couple of hours,” he said and I felt terrible for not coming home right away. “I just unpacked, threw in some laundry and decided to watch some TV, which turned into a nap.” He laughed softly and I scooted closer to him on the couch.
“How about I make you some dinner then?” I asked him, but I saw a smile form on his face.
“I was actually hoping you’d let me take you out. I know it’s a Thursday night and you’re tired, but we haven’t been out in a long time. Since before…your dad passed away.” His voice was quiet at the last sentence, obviously pained by having to say it. “I’ve got games all weekend and I really want to go out with you, Caroline.”
The last thing I wanted to do was go out, but I could see how much it meant to Adam and so I nodded.
“That sounds nice,” I said, smiling at him, hoping he believed me.
“Can you be ready in a half an hour or so?” he asked.
“No problem,” I said, leaning in and kissing him, before standing up. “I’ll go get ready now.”
“Need some help?” he asked with a crooked smile and a raised eyebrow, which caused me to laugh.
“If you come up and help me get dressed, I doubt we’ll ever leave the house,” I said and he laughed too.
“Good point. Let me know when you’re fully dressed.”
“Will do.” I grinned at him and headed upstairs.
Adam was right. I was tired, but I was always tired lately. He wanted to take me out though and I wanted to make him happy. Ever since my father died, life had been so different. A dinner date would offer a nice sense of normalcy.
I went to my closet and changed out of my work clothes and into a simple black dress and ankle boots.
“It’s all clear up here!” I shouted down to him and a moment later, I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs. I was in the bathroom, touching up my makeup when he walked into the bedroom and I found him, leaning against the doorframe, arms folded and looking at me with a sweet smile.
“I could look at you all day,” he said and I turned to him, rolling my eyes.
“That would get boring fast,” I said as I applied some blush.
“I beg to differ.”
He came behind me so that when I looked in the mirror, I could see our reflections. His arms slid around my waist and he pulled me close. His breath was warm on my neck and I knew if he didn’t let go, we probably wouldn’t make it out for dinner.
“I suggest we put a stop to this right now before we find ourselves in a predicament that prevents us from going out,” I said with a grin. He sighed and kissed me on the neck before his hands untangled themselves from my waist.
“You are absolutely right,” he said softly, looking at me longingly in the mirror before he turned away and walked into our bedroom. Our momentary playfulness had been refreshing. I’d missed the banter with Adam and I hadn’t felt much like joking around at all since my father passed and especially not since I found out we could lose the farm. For a moment though, with his arms around me as he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, I was able to forget my worries for a few moments. Now that he was gone though, it all came back.
I finished my makeup and when I went downstairs, Adam was waiting for me, looking incredibly handsome in a pair of designer jeans and a black button up shirt. He reached his hand out to me and I took it.
“Ready, beautiful?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said softly, trying to sound cheerful, but a sudden cloud of sadness washed over me as I thought about what a farce this was. Going about my life when Sawyer and my mom were back home, worrying how they would save the farm and their livelihood. Guilt was taking over as I took his hand, living this seemingly perfect existence while my family struggled. I didn’t know how much longer I could pretend.
~~~
“You’ve been so quiet and you’ve hardly touched your dinner, Caroline. Do you not like it?” Adam pointed out as we sat across from each other. He’d brought me to Lucca Back Bay, an upscale restaurant. We had been tucked away in the dimly lit dining room at a table in the back. Adam had ordered what I assumed was a ridiculously expensive bottle of wine. He’d even had a glass, which was not something he normally did during baseball season. The filet he’d ordered was almost gone, but when I looked down at my ravioli, he was right. I hadn’t realized how little I’d eaten.
He had talked about his road trip and I’d listened, but I hadn’t added much to the conversation and it was obvious now that he’d noticed.
“I’m sorry, Adam. I’m tired is all.”
“You’re sure that’s it?” He reached across the table, taking my hand and looking at me with concern.
“Yeah,” I answered, trying to perk up.
“I shouldn’t have made you come out tonight.”
“You didn’t make me. It’s good to spend time with you.” I squeezed his hand and he squeezed it back.
“How’s your mom and Sawyer? I didn’t get a chance to talk to him much this last road trip.”
I wondered if he noticed the way I tensed up when he mentioned Sawyer and my mom.
“They’re hanging in there.”
“Is all your dad’s stuff settled up? I know Sawyer’s anxious to hire someone to help out.”
“It’s getting there,” I said, wondering if this was considered lying.
“What do you mean? What’s taking so long?” he asked, raising a curious eyebrow and I felt myself getting annoyed at all of his questions.
“I don’t know, Adam. I guess things get a little complicated when someone dies,” I said sharply and when he let go of my hand, I could see how taken aback he was by my response.
“I’m sorry, Care. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
I took in a deep breath as I moved the fork around my plate aimlessly.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you. I just…I’d rather not make everything about my family and my dad.” My tone was still harsh. I didn’t mean for it to be, it was just coming out.
“I’m not trying to. I was simply asking how they are because I care about them. I care about you and your family. You don’t talk to me about it. I just want to make sure you’re doing okay.”
“I don’t talk about it because there’s nothing I can do about anything and all talking about it does is make me realize that even more. My dad is gone and all the talking in the world isn’t going to change that.” The last few words barely made it out as my voice choked up. Adam became blurry then as tears filled my eyes. I yanked my hand from his and then stood up, turning from the table and walking quickly to the bathroom.
Another woman was inside, fixing her hair in the mirror. She locked eyes with me when I walked in though and by the look on her face, I knew I wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding my emotions. I locked myself in a stall, grabbing some toilet paper and dabbing at my eyes as I tried not to make too much noise as I cried.
I’d been doing okay since coming back from Silver Falls. I’d busied myself with work, but it all changed now that Adam was back and I was pretending that my family wasn’t in turmoil. Here I was in a five-star restaurant, eating food that cost too much and wine that would pay the electric bill, while Sawyer and my mom were doing everything in their power to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. This wasn’t who I was. I was a farm girl from Vermont, born and raised, not a yuppie from the city. It didn’t feel right being here when I should be with my family, despite what they said.
I had to pull myself together though. I had to try and push it all down until I figured out what to do. I felt guilty for lying to Adam, for not telling him what was really upsetting me, but I couldn’t tell him. It was too personal.
I don’t know how long I hid in the bathroom, but finally, I took a deep breath and dried my eyes. Luckily, I was alone when I stepped out. I looked in the mirror. There would be no way to hide the fact I’d been crying. My eyes were red and my cheeks were splotchy. I thought about running some cold water on my face, but it would do nothing but make my mascara run.
I straightened my dress and stepped out, only to find Adam waiting for me. I froze and our eyes met. He looked so worried and I didn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry for upsetting you, Care,” he said gently, timidly reaching for me. I looked down at his hand, hesitating for a moment before taking it. “I just wanted to be with you tonight. I didn’t mean to mess it up. I’m sorry.”
I was quiet for a few moments and I felt his thumb gently stroke the back of my hand.
“You didn’t,” I answered quietly. “I’m just a mess. It’s nothing you can fix though. I’m sorry for how I reacted. All you were trying to do was give us a nice night together. I’m the one who messed it up.”
“No, baby,” he said, gently running a hand over my hair. “Life right now is messed up. You didn’t do anything. I love you, Caroline.” He didn’t smile when he said it. He was serious. There was such conviction in his tone and I felt myself tearing up again.
“Can we just go home?” I asked and he nodded.
He took my hand and together we walked back to the table. Adam spoke with the waiter, paid the bill and then we left. I was quiet as we drove home, staring out into the night as Adam drove.
Once back at the house, I went upstairs and changed out of my dress and into my pajamas. I washed my face and brushed my teeth and then climbed into bed. I was tired and just wanted to sleep.
Adam walked in as I was getting settled. We were silent as he stripped out of his clothes, into nothing but his boxers. He disappeared into the bathroom to brush his teeth and was out a few minutes later, crawling in bed beside me. He turned out the lights and as my eyes adjusted to the dark, I waited for him to move closer to me, wrapping me in his arms the way he did most nights we were together. He didn’t come closer though.
“You know I’m always here for you, right, Care?” he asked softly into the dark. “Whatever you need. I’m here.”
I rolled on my side. I could see his silhouette and I reached for him, resting my hand on his chest as it moved gently up and down.
“I know, Adam,” I whispered. “Sometimes though, I just need to deal with things on my own.”
He turned on his side then, his fingertips gently brushing over my cheek.
“I respect that,” he began quietly, “but please don’t shut me out. If things get too hard, let me help you.”
I nodded, but couldn’t say anything as a tear streamed silently down my face. He brushed it away with his thumb and then our eyes met in the darkness.
“Some days are just harder than others, I guess,” I said softly. “I’ve been having a lot of hard ones lately.”
“You don’t have to pretend to be strong with me, Caroline. I’m the one person you don’t have to pretend with. When you fall, I’ll catch you. I promise.”
I couldn’t respond. Here he was, basically begging me to tell him what was consuming me, and yet I couldn’t say anything. This was the one time I couldn’t let him catch me.
Slowly, I moved closer to him, snuggling close as I rested my head on his chest, the gentle sound of his heartbeat like a lullaby.
“I love you, Adam,” I whispered and it was a relief to finally say something that was true.