Twenty-Six
It was like I was in a fog. I was going through the motions, but nothing was clear. It was like living in a dream almost. I’d sat beside my mother and Sawyer along with my grandmother and uncles at the funeral home. All the arrangements had been made. The casket had been picked out and the suit my father would be buried in decided. I’d hardly said a word though. I’d simply been there, as a figure instead of a participant. The whole experience was surreal and when we got home, the kitchen was full of food my aunts had spent the afternoon preparing. I didn’t know why they had bothered making so much. I figured most of it would go untouched. But, that’s what we do as human beings. We find a way to care for each other in times of crisis and even though the food would probably not get eaten much, I appreciated the efforts of everyone. It showed me how much they loved my father and my family.
I found Adam still in the barn when we got back. We had gotten most everything finished before Sawyer and I had to leave, but Adam said he’d finish everything else.
“Hey,” I said softly when I opened the barn door. He looked up from the trough he was cleaning. He dropped the scrub brush he was using and then went to the sink to wash his hands.
“Hey, baby,” he said sweetly, walking over to me and greeting me with a tender kiss. “How’d it go?”
“I…I can’t even really describe it,” I said and then paused, closing my eyes for a second before opening them again. “To be honest,” I began, “I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Then we don’t have to. This is all on your terms, but I’m here…whenever you want to talk about anything.” He met my eyes, reassuring me of what I already knew.
“I know,” I said quietly. “You’ve been so good to me since it happened. Thank you.”
“You don’t need to thank me, Care. I love you. This is what I’m here for. I just want you to remember that.”
“I will,” I said softly, reaching up and tracing his jawline with my fingertip for a moment as I looked into his eyes, so kind and devoted. He smiled sweetly and then pressed his lips to mine for a gentle kiss.
“Has anything been decided?” he asked cautiously once our lips were apart again.
“The funeral will be on Saturday,” I told him and I noticed him flinch a little. “What’s the matter, Adam?”
“Nothing,” he said, trying to crack a smile.
“Really, Adam. What is it?” I pressed him and a frown formed on his face.
“It’s nothing I can’t take care of. I don’t want you to worry about anything.”
“Worry about what?” I demanded and then he sighed, running an anxious hand through his hair.
“I’ve got a road trip to Texas that weekend,” he relented.
“Road trip?” I whispered, my throat tightening. In the past two days I hadn’t given one thought to Adam’s life. Everything had come to a standstill and I hadn’t given a second thought to his schedule. His life couldn’t stop though. Baseball wouldn’t stop for my family tragedy. The way it was, I knew he was already missing games.
“I don’t want you to worry about it, Care. I’ll be here. Nothing will stop me.” I felt his reassurance when he took my hand, linking our hands together.
“I understand if you can’t…” I began, but he interrupted me.
“It’s not an option. I’ll be here.”
“I don’t want to cause any trouble for you…” I continued and he jumped in again.
“It won’t be any trouble and even if it was, I don’t give a damn.”
I could see it in his eyes, the trueness of his words. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head against his chest as he stroked my hair for a few seconds before pulling back and taking my hands and leading me over to a stack of hay. We sat down, side by side and he rested my hand in his lap, stroking the back of it with his thumb before looking at me again. His eyebrows were creased and the look made me anxious.
“I do need to talk to you about something though,” he began, the tone of his voice causing me to sit up straighter. “I…I’m sorry, Care, but…I have to go back to Boston. I start tomorrow and I can’t miss it. The team has been understanding, but they expect me to come back for tomorrow.”
I was quiet for a moment as I thought how to respond.
“Of…of course, Adam,” I stammered. “Of course, you have to be with the team,” I answered softly.
“I don’t want to leave you, Caroline,” he said, kissing the back of my hand.
“I know, but you have to,” I told him.
“I’m sorry,” he said and I could see the sorrow in his eyes.
“It’s okay, Adam. I understand,” I said, even though I was sick at the thought of him leaving.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can. I promise.”
I scooted closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder.
“When do you have to leave?” I asked and when he didn’t answer right away, I knew I wouldn’t like the answer.
“I should go tonight,” he answered softly. “I haven’t worked out in a while. If I get home tonight, I can get up early to prepare for tomorrow’s start. I can stay till morning though if you’d rather.”
“No,” I answered quickly. “It makes sense for you to go tonight.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said softly as he rested his palm against my cheek and looked into my eyes.
“It’s fine,” I told him, hoping I was being convincing. I knew Adam couldn’t stay forever. I knew he had a job to get back to. I had a job to get back to as well, even though I hadn’t given it two thoughts. “I’ll be okay,” I told him. “There’s plenty here to keep me busy.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I answered, forcing a smile. “I’ll be okay. I’ll miss you, but I’ll be okay.”
“I wish I didn’t have to leave you though,” he said as he leaned in, resting his forehead against mine as his fingers curled into my hair.
“I know,” I whispered. “I wish you didn’t have to leave either.”
He sighed and his warm breath tickled my lips. It was like instinct then. My mouth reached for his, our lips brushing lightly, his kiss filling me with warmth. He pulled me closer and he kissed me deeper, bringing tears to my eyes. I didn’t know what I would do when he left tonight. He had been my strength for the last two days and I hoped I wouldn’t completely crumble once he was gone.
~~~
I’d been right. The mountain of food my family had brought over was hardly touched. I filled a plate, piecing at it obligatorily while Adam stayed by my side. I wasn’t hungry though. I hadn’t been since I’d found out about my dad.
When my family started filing out for the night, I knew Adam would be leaving soon too. I tried to ignore the pit in my stomach as I held his hand tighter. I hated to think of him leaving, but I knew I had to accept it.
My mom had gone upstairs to lay down and Sawyer, Lindsey, Adam and I cleaned up the kitchen once everyone else had left. We were quiet as we put things away and washed the dishes and I knew when the last dish was done, it was time for Adam to leave. It was almost eight and with a three-and-a-half-hour drive ahead of him, I knew he couldn’t stay much longer.
Sawyer and Lindsey were getting ready to head out to the stable house for the night when Adam followed them into the living room while I did a few last-minute things in the kitchen. When I was done, I started for the living room to join them, but stopped when I heard their hushed voices.
“I’m sorry I have to leave,” Adam said to Sawyer.
“It’s fine,” Sawyer said. “Thank you for being here and for all your help. Thanks for being there for Caroline.”
“I’m always here for her,” Adam replied and then his voice was quiet for a minute. “Look out for her while I’m gone, Sawyer. She’s trying to be strong, but I’m worried about her.”
“I’ll take care of her. You have my word,” my brother said and when I discreetly peeked around the doorway, I saw them hugging.
“I love you guys,” Adam said.
“We love you too, man,” Sawyer said and then they pulled apart and Sawyer opened the door and he and Lindsey walked out.
I finally stepped out from the kitchen where I’d been listening in. Adam turned his head and our eyes met.
“You have to leave, don’t you?” I asked softly and he nodded. “Do you have everything?”
“I just need to get my bag from your room,” he said and I walked over to him, taking his hand and leading him upstairs. His bag was resting on the bed. He went and picked it up, slinging it over his shoulder before we headed back downstairs.
He opened the door and we walked out onto the porch. The air was warm and heavy and felt good on my skin. His truck sat in the dirt driveway and I hated knowing it wouldn’t be there in the morning.
“Call me as soon as you get home so I know you’re safe,” I said, taking his hand and he nodded.
“I promise,” he said, lifting the back of my hand to his lips and kissing it.
“Drive safe,” I said, suddenly very afraid of letting him go. I’d already had my father taken from me out of the blue. The phrase “life is precious” had taken on a new meaning for me over the last couple of days and I couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to Adam.
“I will,” he answered, sliding his arm around my waist, pulling me close. “You call me any time. Day or not, Caroline. If you need anything. Promise?”
I nodded, trying to fight the tears in my eyes.
“I’ll be fine,” I said softly.
“It’s okay if you’re not though and I’m here if you’re not.”
Slowly, I raised my eyes to meet his and a tear fell down my cheek.
“I know,” I whispered and he pressed his forehead against mine, closing his eyes tightly and burying his fingers into the hair at the base of my neck.
“I love you so damn much, Caroline Hale,” he said, opening his eyes. “Don’t you ever forget that. I’ll always take care of you, baby. Always.”
There were tears in his eyes now and then I reached for him, pressing my lips against his before pulling back to see tears had fallen down his cheeks. I reached up and wiped them away and he did the same to me.
“Have a good game tomorrow,” I said softly. “I’ll see you on Saturday.”
“See you Saturday,” he whispered and then he took a few steps, holding onto my hand until he no longer could and my arm fell to my side. He adjusted the bag on his shoulder as he walked down the porch steps and over to his truck. He opened the door, tossing it inside before turning back to me.
“I love you, Caroline!” he called to me.
“I love you too, Adam!” I called back, wondering if he heard the shaking of my voice as he climbed inside the truck. I couldn’t watch him drive away. It would hurt too much and so I turned around to head back inside, but then I heard the bounding of footsteps and a grasp on my arm. I felt myself being turned around and there he was, just inches away from me.
“One more kiss,” he said, pressing his lips to mine until I felt myself melting in his arms.
His tongue pushed deeply into my mouth as I tried tasting everything about him. Our mouths moved hungrily over each other, taking as much as we could from each other before he was gone. When we pulled away, we were both breathless.
“I’ll only be gone a few days, but I’m here. Whatever you need, Caroline, I’m here,” he said when we’d parted and I nodded. He kissed me again, gentler this time and my lips were aching when we parted. His fingertips brushed gently over my cheek and with one more kiss, he turned and walked back to his truck. He waved before climbing inside. The door shut loudly and the engine rumbled to life, the truck backing out. This time I didn’t turn away. I watched the whole way until the taillights disappeared into the darkness. I could still taste him on my lips and feel his skin on mine. He’d only been gone a minute and I already missed him. My heart, which had been hurting already, hurt for a whole other reason now and I couldn’t wait until he would be with me again.
I forced the tears to stay away as I finally turned around and walked back into the quiet house. I locked the door behind me and headed upstairs to my room, which seemed so lonely without him. I changed into my pajamas and brushed my teeth. It was just after eight, but I wanted to sleep because in sleep, I could forget all the reasons why my heart was aching.
When I walked out of the bathroom, I saw the dim light from my parents’ room glowing into the hallway. Cautiously, I made my way towards it, peeking inside to find my mother laying where my father used to sleep, curled on her side and staring into nothing. She looked so empty and I couldn’t imagine the pain she was in. I had lost my father, but she had lost the love of her life. I knew her heart had been shattered into a million pieces. My heart was hurting simply from Adam leaving, but I would see him again. As much as I would miss him, I had the knowledge that we would be together again. My mother did not have that reassurance. My father wouldn’t be coming home. She wouldn’t see him again, not in this life anyway.
Carefully, I opened the door, a loud creak interrupting the silence and she quickly turned her head to face me. I waited for her tell me to go away; that she wanted to be alone, but the words didn’t come. If anything, I could see in her eyes that she didn’t want to be alone and so I stepped inside the room and crawled on the bed beside her, spooning against her, the way she used to do to me when I was a child. I put my arms around her and she snuggled close to me.
“I’m glad you’re here, Caroline,” she whispered.
“I’ll always be here, Mom,” I assured her.
“For now, you are,” she said softly and then her voice faded off. I knew what she was implying though. I’d return to Boston, to Adam and to my job, and Sawyer’s house would get built and he and Lindsey would move away and then she would be alone. Alone in this big house. The house she had built a family with my father. The house that had always been full of life. She would be the only one left and as I held her closer until we both fell asleep, my heart broke all over again.