Twenty-Five
Just as I’d known, I couldn’t hide from the pain of my new reality. I woke up the next morning, Adam still sleeping peacefully at my side. I laid there for a moment, watching him sleep. His dark hair hung on his forehead and a light beard dusted his face from not having shaved for a couple of days. I couldn’t help myself when I reached up and rested my palm on his cheek for a moment. His eyelids fluttered for a moment, but he didn’t wake up.
I got out of bed, being careful not to wake him. I slid on my jeans and a t-shirt and then opened the door and tiptoed out, closing it quietly behind me. The house was so quiet it was almost eerie. I could feel the difference in the air and it was a harsh reminder that my father was no longer here.
I made my way downstairs. It was still quiet. I looked at the clock. It was just after seven a.m. My parents were always up by now. It was never this quiet at this time of the morning.
I crossed the floor, walking into the kitchen and stopping in the doorway when I saw my mother. She was standing at the counter, the smell of coffee filling the air. Her arms were resting on the countertop, her head down and hair hanging in her face. I could hear quiet sobs, which caused tears to form in my eyes as well. If she knew I was there, she didn’t let on. Carefully, I walked towards her, gently placing my hand on her back. Her head whipped up then and my eyes met her red and swollen ones.
“Hey, Mom,” I said softly.
“Caroline, honey,” she said, quickly standing up straight and wiping her eyes. “I’m sorry you found me like this.”
“Don’t apologize,” I said, turning her and wrapping my arms around her for a few moments. She held me tightly and then pulled back, shaking her head.
“When I woke up, I thought for a moment that he was next to me,” she said softly. “I forgot for a moment that he was gone, but then…then I reached for him and he wasn’t there.”
I didn’t know what to say to her. I had had the same feelings and it had been crushing when I remembered.
“I even came downstairs and made coffee for us. Just like I always do.”
I looked down at the counter at the two cups, sitting side by side, just waiting for my dad to come take his. The image broke my heart.
“I keep thinking he’ll come back too,” I whispered and our eyes met as tears fell down my face. She reached up and brushed them away, running her fingertips over my cheek before leaving the coffee cups and walking out of the kitchen. I thought about following her, but something told me not to. If she’d wanted to talk, she would’ve stayed.
I looked up, something catching my attention from the window. I walked to the sink and looked out to see my brother carrying a bale of hay. I don’t know why I hadn’t expected to see him. The cows had to be fed and milked. I should have known he would be there. My father may have died, but that didn’t mean life stopped, especially on a working dairy farm.
I didn’t think twice as I went to the front door and headed toward the barn he’d disappeared into. He was putting some hay into a trough and he turned his head when he heard the door shut.
“Need some help?” I asked and he nodded.
“Yeah,” he said softly and when we looked at each other, we both knew what he meant. He needed my help because my dad wasn’t here. Yesterday at this time, he was with Sawyer, tending to the cows the way they had for so many years. But now, he wasn’t here and Sawyer was alone.
We didn’t talk for a while. I got to work and he continued what he was doing. We went through the motions. We had been doing this work our entire lives so it ran like clockwork. I couldn’t help but think of my dad though and all the mornings we had shared like this. I had only ever known my father as a farmer. He’d worked so hard to provide for us. Up at the crack of dawn and working till the sun set sometimes. The work was back breaking at times, but he never complained and I’d never seen a man with a work ethic like my dad’s, except my brother’s, of course. But, Sawyer had learned everything from my dad. He was who he was because of my father and as I looked around, I didn’t understand how this farm would continue to run without him.
“What’re we gonna do, Sawyer?” I finally said, breaking the silence.
He stopped what he was doing and sighed loudly, leaning against the wall and folding his arms.
“It’s only been a day, Care.”
“I know, but have you at least thought about it? At all?” I asked, a pit of worry forming in my stomach.
“Of course, I’ve thought about it,” he said, pushing himself off the wall.
“And what are we going to do?”
“I don’t really know. I’ll have to hire someone, I guess.”
“Can we afford that?”
“Dad’s hired people on occasion, you know that.”
“That wasn’t full time though,” I countered and he sighed again before turning to me and throwing up his hands.
“What do you want me to say, Caroline? There’s no other choice! We’ll have to make it work!”
He’d raised his voice and then he turned from me. He hung his head and I could tell he was crying. I walked quickly to him, putting my hand on his back as I felt him tremble.
“I’m sorry, Sawyer. I shouldn’t have said anything,” I said softly as I felt a lump burning in my throat.
“It’s fine, Care,” he choked out and then his back straightened as he wiped his face with his sleeve before looking at me with his tear-stained face. “When I walked out here today, I expected him to be here. He always beat me out here, even if it was just by a few minutes. But, when I walked in and he wasn’t here, I started to panic. He’s always been here, Caroline. Always. I know he was always grooming me to take over someday, but that day wasn’t supposed to be today. It wasn’t supposed to happen so soon and when it did happen, he was still supposed to be here, sitting in the house, enjoying retirement, while I did the grunt work. That’s the way it was supposed to be and now…” He stopped, his voice catching before he took a breath and continued. “And now it’s not. He’s not here and I’ve got to do this all on my own. I’m not ready. He can’t be gone.” His voice cracked again and then he started to sob. My strong, perfect brother had never looked so weak and to see him so afraid made me afraid.
“Why is this happening?” I whispered and my brother shook his head.
“I wish I knew,” he said softly and then he took a deep breath and put his hand on my shoulder. “We’ll be okay though, Care. I promise you that. I can see you’re scared, but you don’t need to be. It will be okay. It will.”
For that second he looked at me, he reminded me so much of my father and for that moment, I believed him.
The door to the barn opened then and Sawyer and I both turned to see Adam standing there, silhouetted against the bright morning sun.
“I thought you guys could use some help,” he said.
Sawyer and I looked at each other and then back to Adam.
“Yeah, we could use your help,” I said, surprised at the smile that came to my face.
Adam stepped inside, the door to the barn closing behind him. He walked over to us, putting his arm around me as he kissed me on the temple before letting go and turning to Sawyer. Their eyes locked in the way only best friends can.
“Thanks, Adam,” Sawyer said and Adam nodded.
“You know I’m here if you guys need anything,” he said and then paused a moment, his voice more serious when he spoke again. “Anything at all.”
“I know,” Sawyer said and then the two of them hugged, Adam slapping my brother heartily on the back the way men do when they’re trying not to get too emotional.
“What can I do?” Adam asked a moment later.
“Just the necessities today. I’ve filled the troughs and now we’ve gotta get ‘em milked. We’ve got to go to the funeral home at noon to start making arrangements,” Sawyer said, looking over at me. He hadn’t told me about that and his words caused my throat to tighten. I swallowed hard to try and keep the lump at bay. I couldn’t be crying every second even though I felt like it. There would be plenty of time for tears.
“Whatever we don’t get done, I can stay back and finish,” Adam offered and Sawyer nodded gratefully.
“Thank you,” he said and then turned away, getting back to work.
I felt Adam’s hand on my arm then, turning me toward him and tucking my hair behind my ear.
“How are you today?” he asked gently.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly and then he leaned in, brushing his lips softly over mine.
“I love you, Caroline,” he told me.
“I love you too, Adam,” I said and then I squeezed his hand before turning away and getting back to work. Adam did the same. The barn was quiet as we worked, but then I heard the voice of Frank Sinatra begin to play through the sound system and I felt a little smile curl on my lips as the tears threatened the backs of my eyes. My dad had always loved playing Sinatra for the cows and as the words to Come Fly with Me streamed through the barn, it felt as if my father was here with us. For a split second, I could hear his laughter. I could hear his voice. I could feel him beside me and I thought maybe it wasn’t my imagination. Maybe he was with us, but then my eyes scanned the barn and he wasn’t there. No song could bring him back and as I continued to work, I tried not to let Sawyer or Adam see me crying.