Thirty-Eight
I thought Adam might call me or send me a text even. I heard nothing though and I didn’t blame him. I told myself not to call him either, but around midnight, I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d called only to get voicemail again. I might have been worried he’d gotten into an accident on the drive home, but I used the app attached to the house’s security system to see he had come home around ten o’clock. At least I knew he was safe. Everything else would have to wait until I got to Boston.
The drive seemed to take longer than normal. I knew it hadn’t in reality. It just felt that way because of my anxiety.
It was almost eleven o’clock when I arrived, having left at eight after helping Sawyer with the morning milking. We didn’t talk about what Adam had done for us, but the feeling in the barn was different as we worked, like a cloud had been lifted from our farm. Since I’d come home, the feeling in the barn had been tense and heavy, fearful almost, now there was a calmness about it because we both knew the farm was still ours and that was all thanks to Adam.
His truck was parked along the street and I eased my car into my spot. My biggest fear when I left Silver Falls in the morning was that he wouldn’t be there when I got home. Knowing Adam, I assumed he might have gone to the ballpark to work out and blow off some steam. He hadn’t though and I took a deep breath before I got out and approached the front door.
I lifted my hand to punch in the security code, but then stopped myself. I didn’t feel right walking in after our fight. Instead, I pushed the doorbell, my heart pounding in my chest as I waited for him to answer.
It felt as if I stood on the stoop forever, but then finally, I heard footsteps and a moment later, the door opened. He stood there, his hand resting on the door as he looked out at me with those piercing blue eyes of his. I couldn’t read his reaction as we continued to look at each other in silence. His dark hair had barely been touched after his shower. It was tousled just the way I liked it. The way that reminded me of my Adam from Silver Falls.
“Can we talk?” I finally said, forgoing a greeting. He stepped aside, motioning me in and closing the door, causing a loud echo. I looked around at the home we shared together and I realized how much I had missed it since returning to Silver Falls. I missed sharing meals in the kitchen and cuddling on the couch afterwards. I missed Adam beside me at night and that his face was the first thing I saw in the morning. That happiness seemed like a lifetime ago, but I wanted it back.
I followed him down the hall until we were in the living room. We sat down awkwardly on the couch, leaving too much distance between us. I wanted to be close to him. I wanted to take his hand, curling our fingers together as our bodies touched. The few inches that separated us might as well have been a thousand feet.
“Adam,” I said softly, turning my body so I was facing him. “I…I don’t even know where to begin. I’m so sorry for how I reacted last night and for the things I said to you. I’m sorry for getting so angry.”
He was quiet and I waited for his reaction. His eyes looked off into the distance as the silence started to become uncomfortable. I rubbed my hands together nervously until he eventually brought his eyes back to mine.
“When I was fourteen, I decided to stop playing baseball,” he suddenly began. He’d never told me he contemplated quitting when he was younger. “You were just a kid so you don’t remember any of this, but just before summer ball began, my dad lost his job. We didn’t have the money to pay for my travel fees and uniform and everything else that goes into the travel league. In order to help out my family, I decided to quit. Somehow your dad found out. He never told me who from, but, of course, I knew it was Sawyer. I came to sleep over one night and after dinner, your dad pulled me outside onto the porch. It was a hot night and too humid to be outside, but he wanted to talk to me in private.” Adam paused then, taking in a deep breath before continuing. “I’ll never forget the first words he said to me as we sat in those rockers. He looked me in the eye. Not as a boy, but as a man and he said, ‘You’re special, Adam DeLain. The world deserves to know your name and you’re not going to quit, not until everybody hears it.’” His voice faded with the last words and his eyes drifted to the floor. I felt the familiar lump start to burn in my throat and a few seconds later, his eyes rose up to mine again. “He handed me a check that night to cover all of my expenses. I told him I couldn’t accept it. He said he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Said he thought of me like a son and he wasn’t going to let me miss out. I promised to pay him back, but I didn’t. I played ball that summer. My dad found another job and life went on, but I never paid him back.” His voice cracked and I saw his eyes start to glisten with tears. “What I did…it wasn’t only for you. I did it for me, too. I finally got to pay him back,” he said softly, quickly wiping at his eyes.
I blinked and my own tears fell down my face as I imagined my dad and Adam sitting outside on our porch. Ever since I’d found out about the loan, I’d felt deceived by my father. I loved him, but I was angry too. I was angry at him for dying and I was angry at him for leaving us behind to clean up his mess. But now, hearing this story, that anger vanished. My father was the most selfless man I had ever known. He loved everyone. He loved his family and he loved Adam.
“I never knew any of this,” I choked out.
“No one does. Not even Sawyer. I’m not sure your mom even knows,” Adam said, wiping at his eyes. “But that’s why I did it, Caroline. I didn’t pay the debt to make myself feel good or to make you feel inferior in some way. Your dad was there for me and I wanted to be there for him. Your family is my family and without your father, I wouldn’t have even been in the position to help the way I can. I owe your dad so much and I never got to tell him that. I said thank you one time as a fourteen-year-old kid and I’ll never get the chance again.”
I wanted to touch him. I wanted to comfort him and so I slowly reached for his hand, sliding mine underneath and lacing my fingers with his. His skin was warm and familiar. I’d missed it and as I looked down at our hands, they seemed to fit so perfectly. He pulled our knotted fingers onto his lap, causing me to scoot closer to him, the sides of our thighs touching. He began tracing circles on the back of my hand with his fingertips, his eyes focusing on the imaginary loops that were being created on my skin.
“When I left yesterday,” he began softly, “I thought that might be it for us.” Slowly, his eyes drifted upwards until they had met mine. “I never meant any harm, Caroline. I only wanted to help.”
“I see that now,” I said, gently brushing my fingertips over his cheek. He closed his eyes for a moment at my touch. He had missed me just as much as I’d missed him. “I’m sorry for keeping this from you. I should’ve come to you. I should’ve told you.”
“You should have,” he said, opening his eyes again. “You shouldn’t have been dealing with this alone.”
“I hated keeping it from you. I hated what the worry was doing to me and how…how it made me treat you. Even if you weren’t in a position to do what you did for my family, at least I could’ve talked to you…so I wouldn’t have been so afraid.”
“I’m always here for you.” He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it, leaving a tingle behind where our skin had just made contact. “I know we can’t go back and change the past, but I wish you would’ve said something to me. I knew there was something wrong other than your father’s death. I hate knowing you’ve been carrying this burden without me.”
“I didn’t want you to think we expected anything from you. I wanted to show we could handle the problem, that I didn’t need Adam DeLain to come to my rescue. I didn’t want you for one second to think I was using you for your money.”
“I’ve never thought that. Ever,” he interrupted and deep down, I knew that.
“I know, Adam. I know you don’t think that, but it’s hard sometimes…with the way things can be with you. Money and fame is not who I am.”
“It’s not really who I am either. It may be an unavoidable side effect of my life, but it’s not who I am. Not anymore,” he said quietly and I looked at him with apologetic eyes.
“I’m sorry. That came out badly. I know it’s not and I don’t mean to always go there with us. It’s just sometimes I do forget who you are, like when we’re here together just being us or when we’re back in Silver Falls, but sometimes it’s hard, like when I see you on TV or hear people talking about you or when you pay off a $300,000 debt without batting an eye. That’s when I’m reminded of the differences between us.”
“When are you going to realize it, Caroline?” he asked, unlacing our hands and turning his body to face mine. His eyes moved slowly over my face, as if I was the pages of a book he was reading.
“Realize what?” I asked softly.
“That we’re in this together. You jump, I jump,” he said with the first smile on either of our faces since I’d shown up. “You’re not just a girl I’ll grow tired of one day. You’re the most extraordinary woman I have ever met.” He reached up, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear and then his smile started to fade. “You don’t see it though. You put me on this pedestal because of what I do. Because people know who I am and because I get paid a lot of money to throw a baseball. I don’t want you to think of me that way anymore. I know I’m different in some ways. I know it’s a pain dealing with the public scrutiny, but I love you, Caroline, and I want you to always remember who I am. I’m not a baseball player first. I’m Adam and all I want is to make you happy and keep you safe.”
I could feel a lump start to form in my throat as his words replayed in my mind.
“I want that too,” I said softly.
“No more secrets,” he said, his eyes locking with mine.
“No more secrets,” I promised and then slowly, we drifted towards each other, our lips pressing gently against each other and I felt whole again.
“I was so afraid you were done with me after the way I treated you yesterday,” I whispered to him while our lips still lingered so close.
“I could never be done with you, Caroline Hale,” he said with a soft laugh before kissing me again, deeper this time, until he pulled away and looked into my eyes. “In a thousand years I could never be done with you.”
I could feel tears in my eyes as I looked at this man who I loved so much. The man who I’d known since I was a little girl who had shown me what it felt like to be loved unconditionally by another person. This man who accepted my idiosyncrasies and flaws and loved me even more because of them.
“Thank you, Adam,” I said softly as I smiled at him. “Thank you for what you’ve done for my family.”
“Please don’t thank me. They’re my family too.”
He wrapped his hand gently around my neck and pulled me close so he could kiss me on the forehead.
“Sometimes I think this has all been a dream,” I said softly. “That I’ll wake up back at the farm and realize you never came back to Silver Falls.”
“Sometimes I think that too. But when I wake up, I’ll realize I did come back to Silver Falls, only you wouldn’t give the cocky baseball player the time of day and sent me packing.”
We both started laughing then and I snuggled in closer to him, his arms wrapping around me tighter.
“Good thing it’s not a dream then,” I said to him and I felt him kiss me on the top of the head.
“The best decision of my life was coming home to Silver Falls to find you,” he said softly as he played with my hair.
“You didn’t come back to find me,” I countered.
“Yes, I did. I went home looking for something. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but the second I saw you, I knew.”
I sat up, turning my body so I was facing him, my mouth curled up into a crooked grin.
“You keep saying things like that to a girl and she might start believing you.”
“I hope she does,” he said, grinning back.
“It could get you in trouble, you know, because if you ever break her heart, she might never recover.”
“The same could be said if that girl ever broke my heart.”
“Then I guess neither of us can ever let that happen,” I said, and he reached up, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear and smiling sweetly at me.
“I’ve missed you being here, Care. I’ve missed this. Just sitting here with you. Not even saying a word, but knowing you were here if I needed you. I’ve missed coming home to you.”
The smile was gone now as he looked at me with longing eyes.
“I’ve missed being here, too, and you can’t imagine how I missed you,” I said softly, taking my hand with his. “I…I want to come home. I want to come back to Boston,” I told him and I watched for his reaction. He didn’t say anything for a second. The words were processing and he remained still, but then, slowly, his lips pulled into a hesitant smile.
“Are you sure you’re ready?” he asked and I nodded.
“I’m sure,” I answered. “I went home to help my family and I did that, but now, my life is with you, here in Boston.”
“Ya know,” he began and I could see the reservation in his eyes again, “we’ve never really talked about the fact I might not always be in Boston. I could get traded anywhere someday. That would change everything.”
“No, it wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter where you end up. My home is wherever you are, Adam.”
“I could never ask you to give everything up for me,” he said.
“I know you wouldn’t and I wouldn’t have to. Just as long as we’re together. I’ve come to realize something quite simple in the last couple of months,” I said, taking his hands.
“Oh? What’s that?” he asked with a curious grin.
“That I pretty much can’t live without you,” I said and he started laughing, smiling over to me sweetly.
“That’s so strange,” he said, raising an eyebrow.
“What’s strange?”
“I realized the same thing.”
Gently, his hand curled around the back of my neck, his fingers pushing softly into my hair as his eyes met mine. Time stood still and my mind began recalling every wonderful moment with Adam, from the night I walked into the kitchen to find him sitting at the dinner table after so many years apart, to right now, after everything we had been through to end up at this moment.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked softly, his sweet breath tickling my lips that were hovering so close to his.
“About how much I love you,” I whispered and he smiled. “What are you thinking about?”
“About how lucky I am to have you,” he said quietly. “So damn lucky.”
I didn’t have a chance to say anything before his lips were on mine. It only took a second before I was lost in him and all the tension between us melted away. Life had already shown us it wouldn’t always be easy, but together, we could deal with any curveball it threw at us.
“Don’t leave me again, Caroline,” he whispered between kisses.
“Never,” I whispered back. It was a promise I intended to keep.