CHAPTER 49

JARED

"Yo, hermit," Caleb said when I answered the phone. "Want to meet me for dinner tonight?"

"No." I didn't need to think about it. There was a reason I was staying in my house. Lying low and taking it easy didn't include dealing with the possibility of getting mobbed by fans, being chased by the paparazzi, or any number of things that might happen to us in public.

It wasn't technically me who was under orders to take it easy, but just like with the alcohol thing, I was doing it to make it easier for Caleb.

"Have you become agoraphobic or something?"

"You learned a new word. I'm proud of you." So, I hadn't left the house in about a week. I wasn't scared to leave, I just wasn't in the mood to deal with the fallout if I did.

"I was recently reminded not to play dumb," he replied cheerfully, though I had no idea why he suddenly sounded so happy. "So I've decided to use the big words for now. What's it gonna be, big bro? The way I see it, you have two choices."

"And what are those?"

"You can either meet me for dinner out of your own free will, or I'll come to your house and drag you out. I would prefer if you would just meet me, but if you want to make this difficult for both of us, then that's okay too."

"What if I set the security alarm and lock you out? You might only see two choices, but I see that as a third."

"You could, but since I was there when your security was installed, I know all your codes. Plus, since you wanted to buy such an open property because 'why would you hide from the fans,' it's not like you can really lock me out. I have keys."

He had me there.

Not for the first time this year, I vaguely regretted my decision to buy a property that wasn't completely fenced off and gated. Fences and gates sure would have come in handy right about now. I was definitely starting to understand the appeal.

"Fine. Dinner it is, but this better not be about you trying to change my mind again."

"It's not," Caleb said, too quickly for me to trust his denial.

Before I could question it, however, he was firing off plans into the phone and then hung up. A few hours later, I showered, got dressed, and headed to the restaurant he'd mentioned.

I wasn't surprised that he'd chosen a low-key place not known to have paparazzi hanging around, but I was surprised to walk in and find not Caleb waiting for me inside, but Alicia.

Stopping in my tracks, my eyes narrowed. I'd been set up. Caleb wasn't here, probably wasn't coming, and while I'd been avoiding Alicia's calls, it seemed he hadn't been.

She jumped up as soon as she saw me, fidgeting with her fingers as she implored me with her eyes from across the room to join her, to not turn around and walk away.

I was rooted in place, captivated by her royal blue gaze in the flickering candlelight coming off tables around her. The room was small and intimate enough that I could make out her eyes even though she hadn’t moved from her table. Or maybe it was just because I knew so well what they looked like.

She looked stunning, but she always did to me. It could’ve been because I hadn't seen her in so long, but she seemed to have gotten even more beautiful since I'd last seen her in Gerry's office the day I'd walked away from it all.

She'd pulled her golden hair back tonight into a sleek, thick ponytail that I could immediately picture wrapping around my wrist as I fucked her, but I could just as easily also imagine undoing it to see her waves fanned out on my pillow while she slept. Wearing a black dress and heels that would make her tall enough that I'd be able to kiss her without bending over too far, she looked exactly as drop-dead gorgeous as she'd been in all of those dreams I'd been having about her.

With the extra height added by her heels, pulling her against my chest and resting my chin on her head would have been so easy. I wanted it more than I wanted my next breath, but that wasn't happening. She'd tricked me into this meeting, along with my very own brother. Difficult as it was, I tore my eyes away from her and turned to leave.

Seconds later, a small hand was closing around my bicep, and the next, Alicia was standing in front of me. Her eyes were blazing with an interesting mixture of anger, determination, hope, and longing.

"I'm sorry I asked Caleb to trick you. This is my fault, not his, but I needed him to get you to dinner so I could talk to you."

"I'm done talking. He's wasting his time, and so are you." Flipping the switch on the Emperor persona to get me through leaving her behind again, I flashed her the smirk I knew she hated. "If you’re interested in not talking, however, I can think of plenty of things to do to keep your mouth busy instead."

Alicia flinched as if my words physically hurt her, and the corners of her mouth turned down. I had to give to her, though, she didn't give up. "You can give me that cocky bullshit all you like. I can see what you're trying to do, and it's not going to work."

Lifting my chin, I let my eyes take a leisurely trip all the way down to her red-soled heels and grabbed her hands to tug her closer to me when I looked back into her eyes." Yeah? Is that a challenge?"

Her lips were slightly parted and her breathing uneven, but otherwise, she didn't let it show that being this close to me was affecting her as much as it was affecting me. I even had the distinct feeling that if my hands weren't holding hers, she would have slapped me by now.

"It's not a challenge. I just want to talk to you." She changed tact then, leaning in against me with her blue eyes turning soft. "We are already here, aren't we? Stay for dinner. It's on me."

A lame, tacky comeback about how I could be on her instead crossed my mind, but as I looked down into those eyes, I couldn't bring myself to cheapen the moment that way. Alicia didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve any of this.

My decision to break up the band affected so many people outside of us, none of whom were at fault for our lifestyle choices. Alicia was one of those people. If anything, she'd been good to us. And for us.

"Okay," I agreed reluctantly. Having dinner with her and letting her go afterward was going to be difficult, my own, personal brand of torture, but I deserved it. She didn't. "What's good here?"

Visibly relieved, Alicia's shoulders unlocked as she led me to her table. "Everything is good here."

"I trust you."

I was talking about more than her assurance that the food would be edible, and from the way she was looking at me, I knew she could tell, but neither of us went there—not yet.

"I've ordered some appetizers, and there's some wine and some water." She nodded at an ice bucket next to the table. I filled my water glass and waited for her to comment, but she didn't.

"Did you prepare a passionate speech about why Destitute should get back together or are you going to wing it?" I sat back and tried to close the walls around my heart that only she ever seemed able to scale.

Alicia pushed her wineglass aside and picked up her water. "I've never been a big drinker."

"Okay." Not what I'd been expecting, but hey. "I know."

"I've never really understood the appeal. Sure, it makes you feel good for a while, but then you wake up feeling like shit, embarrassed about everything your lowered inhibitions made you do, and in my case, dealing with a serious case of post-party guilt."

"Post-party guilt?" I felt the corners of my lips rising. Only Alicia would put it that way.

She shrugged and looked like she was holding back a smile of her own. "It's a real thing. Ask anyone who's woken up with regrets."

"What's your point?"

Giving me a pointed look, she sipped her water and thanked the waitress when she brought a platter of various bite-sized foods that made my mouth water. Bland eggs I could make by myself had nothing on this.

"My point," she said, motioning for me to dig in while she talked, "is that drinking is a choice. Just like it was your choice to do it, and it’s now your choice not to do it. Getting back to work shouldn't affect that choice."

"You think I'm doing all this because I don't want to go back to work?"

She shook her head vigorously. "That's not what I meant. All I'm saying is that if you wanted to, you could be in Destitute and still not drink."

"I know I could." It wasn't about me, though. Regardless of what we said now, Caleb wasn’t going to stay sober while there was only partying going on around him. Frankly, while I knew I could theoretically, I didn't know that I would either.

"What is it, then?" Alicia huffed out an exasperated breath and popped a meatball looking thing into her mouth, chewing while she waited for me to answer.

"It was time for us to move on. We had fun, and we made our money. I should have seen things were getting out of control sooner."

She was the only person I would admit to that I should have seen the warning signs earlier. Still, making it sound like it was all about the fun and money made me feel a little nauseous.

Alicia's eyebrow formed a perfect arch and she pursed her lips, dropping her chin. "Money, huh? That's what you're going to go with?"

"Might as well." I lifted my shoulder in a shrug. "We did make a ton of it."

“I know," she repeated in the same offhand way I'd been saying the same words to her all night. "But you and I both know it was never about that for you. Remember who you're talking to here, Jared."

"I do." It was exactly for that reason I was counting my words. She knew me well, and she would know exactly which buttons to push if I gave her the opportunity to push them.

"Your brothers miss you," she said after hesitating for a minute. "They care about you. And about Caleb. They want you back, and I'm sure if you wanted this to be a dry tour, they'd all agree."

"And the next tour?" I wasn't afraid about Caleb or anyone else’s safety for just this one album. It had only taken us a couple to get here. How many would it take for us to forget and to go back to our old ways? "Besides," I added. "They can't miss me so much, I haven't spoken to anyone but Caleb."

Alicia's sighed. "That's because no one thinks you'll talk to them. Hell, I know how they feel. You didn't want to talk to me either."

"And yet, here we are," I told her and then winked playfully. "Turns out the stalker in you is strong."

Looking like she was torn between eating the bread roll she was tearing apart and chucking it at my head, Alicia eventually cracked a smile. "I prefer the phrase determined, thank you very much."

"Call it what you will, I just don't know that getting the band back together is a good idea."

"That's not a firm no anymore," she pointed out, popping a chunk of the soft bread roll into her mouth.

"It's not," I agreed. "But it's not a yes either."

Throughout the rest of our dinner, Alicia continued to make a lot of good points about why I should go back to the band. I could tell she'd put a lot of thought into this, and I appreciated that despite that, I didn't feel like I was being pitched. She was speaking passionately and from her heart.

By the time we were done eating, I knew I had to get out of here and fast. She'd found some of those buttons I'd been worried about and was pushing down on them shamelessly.

Abruptly, I stood up and to say goodbye. "Thanks for the food. And for the talk, but I have to go."

Alicia scrambled after me, catching up in the parking lot. "Please, don't go. Can't we just keep talking?"

"I'm sorry." I turned to face her and caught her chin between my thumb and index finger. "I really miss you, Alicia. I wish things were different. I'm really sorry you wasted so much of your time with us, but I don't want to get the band back. It's just not where I feel like I need to be. I know it’s not enough, but again, I'm really sorry."

As I'd suspected, leaving her standing alone in front of that restaurant wasn't easy. In fact, insofar as difficulty went, it was a real bitch. But so was life. I was just going to have to learn to live with it.