Chapter 6

Sadie

I woke up around eleven with the TV on a blue screen and Darek breathing softly beside me. I’d slipped down beside him and even buried my face against him. We’d finished the first movie and put it on a cable show marathon where people were shopping for RVs and had fallen asleep.

He was so warm beside me that I wanted to snuggle close and let him hold me through the night. Or at least inch closer and pretend I hadn’t known any better.

The last time I’d done anything like this was when I was still with Bryan. He’d always been the one to choose movies, and I’d usually fall asleep to some stupid teen movie or something so gory that I couldn’t stand it.

It was nice just to lay there with Darek, listening to him breathing and the city noises in the background. But I knew I shouldn’t. This hadn’t been a date. He’d made that perfectly clear, even though if it had been, not only would it have been okay with me, but it would have been the only one I’d had since my split from Bryan nine months earlier.

Before our engagement, when the feelings were still new, and we were aching to have everything we wanted, our sexual relationship had been amazing. But once he popped the question, and solidified who we were together things changed. Once we knew the direction of our future, the excitement was gone. And even though we still enjoyed the pleasure of each other’s company, the spark and passion had fizzled.

We’d started making plans to move away, and he was already talking about having children, which really freaked me out. I wasn’t ready for that step, not when I hadn’t gotten all the way down the aisle yet. But in hindsight, I think he’d only started that talk to make me have second thoughts about the marriage, and hooking up with his ex the night of his bachelor party, had been his final way out.

I had been so hurt, certain that I would never love again, that I would never find anyone who made me hot the way he did or could make me feel good about myself the way he had in the beginning. I’d given up completely since, and hadn’t even looked at another man in a sexual way until I’d met Darek.

Seeing him on TV and seeing him in person was very different, and even though his persona and style was perfection with not one single hair out of place, I much preferred how he’d looked there in bed beside me, his five o’clock shadow and messy hair, he was gorgeous.

As much as I wanted to stay, I sat up. I tried to be as easy as possible getting to my feet, but he stirred beside me and then opened his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I fell asleep too. I was just going.” I hated that I woke him, but he must be a light sleeper like me.

He sat up and stretched. “It’s cool. This bed is comfortable that way; I usually don’t want to get out of it in the morning.”

Just then, I saw the remote teetering on the opposite side of him, and it was just about to fall where it would hit the hard marble floor.

“Careful. The remote.” He sat stone still, and I reached across, leaning my body closer to his as I picked it up. “Here, I’d hate for it to break.” As I eased back across him, his hand fell on my lower back, keeping me face to face with him. It was the first time he’d put his hands on me and doing so in such an intimate way had every nerve in my body’s attention.

His mouth was just a few inches from my own, and as our eyes met, I searched them, hoping he’d lean forward and kiss me. I licked my lips, and my eyes fluttered a bit as I waited for him to make a move.

The tension lasted a few more seconds, but then his head turned, and had fallen back. “I should go shower. I’ll only be a few, so if you need me, just yell.” He gave a soft nod as I eased my way off the bed and went to my room.

I glanced back to see him staring, but his expression hadn’t changed. It seemed as if he wanted to kiss me, but knew it wasn’t appropriate. I wondered what was going on in that mind of his and wished I could have met him in a different situation.

With his knee in pain, he probably didn’t have any romantic intentions. He could barely get around without the walker. I was just being silly, anyway. Why would a guy like him be hot for a woman like me? I was younger and didn’t have a whole lot going for me other than a few dreams and the ability to schedule his meds.

I went into my room and laid against the door once it was shut. Part of me wanted to go back into his room and kiss him; to make the first move myself, but if he was struggling like I thought he was, I had no idea why unless he just wasn’t attracted and knew it was best not to start something simply out of lust. What good could come of it? Sure, the sex might be amazing, but once it was over, we’d have to deal with the awkwardness. Maybe he didn’t think it was worth it.

No matter how hot he made me, no matter if my body was on fire and the need ached so badly it hurt, it was for the best.

I went into the bathroom thinking I’d just rinse off and go to bed, but the ache wouldn’t stop. But just thinking about him had my legs quivering as I stood beneath the heavy spray of the shower. I washed my breasts and found my nipples tight, and as I washed lower, the sensation of my touch felt so good I didn’t want to stop. I flicked my finger over my tender bud until I leaned back against the shower wall and bit my lip to keep from moaning.

It felt so good, and I closed my eyes and tried to think about him. He’d been so close; I wished I’d kissed him. How stupid had I been to not act on it? Now I had to live with the regret and wanting a redo of that moment.

I knew I needed to stop, but the first felt so good I couldn’t help but give myself one more, and finally, after a soft moan escaped, I quickly rinsed off and stepped out.

After I dried off, I slipped into my pajamas and robe and left the steamy room feeling the edge had been taken off of my desires, but they weren’t gone completely.

I walked past his room and peeked in on my way to the kitchen where I got a glass of water and carried it back to my bed. He’d been sleeping well and probably had thought no more about what happened.

He was a man who got what he wanted, and if he’d wanted me, I was sure I’d give him any part of me he wanted, including my heart, but being that kind of man, if he really wanted to kiss me, he would have. Confidence was his business, and what was I compared to that? Nothing.

I climbed in the queen-sized bed, slipping beneath the covers which were cold compared to the warmth of the shower and the bed next door, but I knew I’d better get used to it. I wasn’t going to find anyone living here. Love just wasn’t in the cards for me. Not a second time.

But then, what I’d had with Bryan wasn’t love, was it? So, then my only conclusion was that love—true love, didn’t exist, or maybe there were just some people who it wasn’t meant for, and that was me.