Chapter Nineteen
Valerie
I didn’t know what to do. I was so distraught and angry, now feeling even worse than I did originally, but for more internal reasons.
Part of me wanted to know what the big deal was. So, he has a crazy girlfriend and so to get her off of his back, he told her a lie. Why does that bother you so much? That thought was especially brought home when I thought, after all, the alternative of him telling her the truth was far more detrimental. Especially since nothing happened.
I needed something to take my mind off things so I called Zachary. He didn’t answer his phone though so I decided I would walk around the mall.
It wasn’t any fun by myself and I knew that from the start, but besides Shawn, the old Shawn and Zachary, I really didn’t feel like being with anyone else.
Even though I couldn’t pour my heart out to Zachary about what was going on, for obvious reasons, I still wanted to be with him. He brought me back to reality and calmed my frantic nerves. It was comforting to be with him. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Yet, by the time I had taken the bus to the mall, he still hadn’t called or texted back and so, I figured I wasn’t going to hear from him today.
I had noticed lately that Zachary was acting strange, but then again, I also wasn’t acting quite myself. So I knew that I shouldn’t really be trying to find an explanation or accusation toward him when he could easily turn around and say the same thing about me, with more accuracy and proof of my odd behavior.
Therefore, I refused to let his silence bother me. Instead, I made it a point to have a good time, even if I was slightly lonely. That was okay. I would make do; I always did.
I grabbed a large cup of my favorite coffee and wandered around a couple of my favorite stores, trying to convince myself it was better to be able to window shop at my own pace, without a boy telling me how they were done looking five minutes ago literally six minutes after we walked into a store. I was never one to be overly girly or have many friends that were girls. In fact, I had always preferred to hang out with the boys; but right now, I kind of wished I had a girl that I could trust to talk about my predicament with…and to shop, because I just wasn’t into it.
I was lonely and that only caused me to be sadder and more depressed. I tried to sort out my situation in my head, but every time I tried to figure out what the best course of action would be, every suggestion or idea I came up with fell short.
However, the solution, at least to the seemingly menial problem of having a boyfriend, but wondering if I was still pining over Shawn, was solved for me in a way that I would have never expected.
I was walking by the bathrooms when I saw a familiar figure leaning against the wall, as though he was waiting for someone. I stared at him for a long moment, almost in disbelief.
Zachary was standing there, alone for the time being, with his phone in his hand, looking as though he was about to be busy but hadn’t quite gotten there yet.
Still, I just figured that maybe there was a good reason for him not returning my call. I started to make my way over to him, but stopped short when I saw another girl from our school come out of the bathroom.
Zachary lifted his head and smiled at her when she walked out, but to make matters worse, he left with her and easily slid his hand into hers as they began to walk. He even laced his fingers between hers.
I didn’t mean to keep watching them and in fact, I wished that I wasn’t, but my eyes were glued to the telltale scene unfolding before my very eyes. I tried my best to fight back tears, but they insisted on filling up my eyes. I blinked, but was unable to relieve myself of them. They just started to roll down my cheeks as I looked at the two of them together.
Then, when they reached a corner, Zachary turned, pulled the girl into his arms and kissed her passionately.
My jaw dropped and all I wanted to do was scream. I blinked as more tears rolled down my cheeks, but to my horror, when I opened my eyes, they were still standing there, making out as though there was nothing wrong with it. And from the looks of it this wasn’t the awkward encounter of a first kiss. It was abundantly clear that they had done this all before, and that likely wasn’t the only thing they had done.
As soon as I was able, I turned around and ran the other way. I couldn’t get out of that mall fast enough. Looking back, I probably looked like a crazy person. I was sure my makeup was running, in addition to the gush of tears that were falling from my eyes and the hysterical nature of my bolt toward the doors, but none of that mattered.
All I wanted was to get to a place where I could be left in peace. I wanted my own space, to freak out, scream, cry or mourn the relationship before severing the bonds that had tied us, for two long years, completely and forever.
While I sat on the bus and sobbed, thankful that no one cared to notice me, I thought about how this seemed to be happening to me lately and I had no idea why.
What did I do, that my whole life got turned upside-down like this? I thought angrily, before I shrugged my shoulders and continued to cry.
When I finally returned home after what was probably the longest and most grueling, painful bus ride of my life, I ran up to my room, thankful that no one else was home and collapsed on my bed. I screamed and yelled ferociously into my pillow, before I took everything that reminded me of Zachary and threw it into a garbage bag. I was finished with having anything of his anywhere near me. I didn’t want to even look at the garbage bag by the time I was done, because it reminded me of the malice that I held for him.
I couldn’t believe he did this to me. Even though I had thought about being with Shawn on more than one occasion throughout our dating, I certainly hadn’t done anything with him! I realized that a part of the reason why I was so upset was because he had found someone else.
I had always thought that I would be the one to move on. I was shocked to realize that the reason behind our breakup was that he cheated on me. It wasn’t that I had expected to cheat on him, but I did think, naively, apparently, that if we were to break up, the reason would be because I had moved on. I had never thought that he would ever have…
Maybe that was exactly the problem… I thought to myself as I gazed at the bag through the fuzzy vision brought on by my massive rush of tears. I was hurt, above all, but right now, I also thought that perhaps I had brought this on myself.
After all, I wasn’t spending near enough time with Zachary. Perhaps he felt neglected?
Still, that didn’t give him an excuse to do what he did. I knew that for sure, but I still felt the need to allow my mind to wander, simply because I was shocked.
Even with all of the craziness going on around me and even though I did note that Zachary was acting strangely, apathetic even, I was still flabbergasted by the low blow that he was cheating on me.
I stayed in my room for quite a while, trying to calm myself down. Yet, every time I felt as though I was making progress, something would snap me back into anger and I would feel an intense sense of pain rocket through my heart, which would jumpstart the flow of tears all over again.
For a few hours, this was a very vicious cycle, until finally, the inevitable happened.
However, it certainly didn’t come as I was expecting. I thought I would receive a phone call, in which case I could yell at him, tell him it was over and then hang up, subsequently moving on with my life.
Instead, I heard the doorbell ring.
I was still the only one home and so, when it rang a second time, I figured that I should at least go downstairs and see who it was. I looked in the mirror, wiped my eyes as well as I could, took a deep, calming breath and made my way downstairs.
When I opened the door, however, I was met with the man that I now considered my enemy.
Zachary was smiling at me, as though he hadn’t done anything wrong, as though the dynamic of our relationship was not just spun on its head, as though absolutely nothing had changed. The degree to which I knew he was wrong caused me to feel exceptionally ill.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded, trying hard to scrub the disdain from my voice, but quickly realized that I was failing miserably.
He squinted, as though trying to act innocent. “Oh…I got your message a little while ago and I was in the area, so I thought that instead of calling you back, I would just stop over.” He smiled in his goofy way, which used to make my heart flutter.
Now, though, it just made me want to bash his head into the door and throw him down the stairs.
I didn’t respond due to the shock that I experienced in light of his complete obliviousness.
When he realized that I hadn’t even cracked a smile, but rather, was fighting back tears, he turned his head curiously. “Are you okay?”
I wasn’t sure if it was obvious that all of the blood drained from my face and that my jaw might as well have been touching the ground;, but even though I had plenty to say, I had yet to be able to think of a response.
Eventually, I realized that my expression must have been fairly obvious, because he quickly stumbled back a little, before he asked, slightly agitated, “What is wrong? You’re acting so weird.”
I swallowed hard, even though my throat had gone dry. “Come inside, Zachary…” I didn’t want to blast him right here in the open. The neighbors already thought we were crazy. I didn’t want to give them any ammunition.
Zachary looked at me strangely, but still followed me inside.
As I closed the door behind us, I took a deep breath and tried to ignore the pang of hurt that encased my heart. “Zachary, after I called you, I didn’t have anything else to do…So do you know where I went?”
It took until a few seconds after I had spoken, when my words and implication set in, before he finally got what I was getting at. At this, his face fell, finally, into that of shock. “Oh God...” he muttered. “I can explain, Valerie!” He moved to grasp my arm, but I roughly pulled it away.
Gaining strength from his admittance, I found that I was currently more angry than hurt and so, I spat, “I’m sure you can, but I have no interest in hearing it. If you no longer wanted to date me, you should have told me.”
“But…That’s not it…”
I put my hands up in the air, proud of myself for not caving to his charm. “I don’t care, Zachary. I saw you kiss her and that was all the explanation I needed.”
“But…” he began, while I opened the door.
“Goodbye, Zachary,” I spoke with an eerie sense of calm.
“Valerie…” he groaned, as though I was being completely unfair.
“Get out!” I screamed, ensuring that every inch of me gave the same impression of what I wanted from him, so that there would be no mistaking it.
The second I felt my voice raise, I knew that I only had a matter of moments before I broke down and cried. I didn’t want to do that in front of him and therefore, I needed him to leave before the inevitable happened.
Desperately fighting back tears, I glowered at him until finally, his shoulders fell and he began to walk out. He looked at me one last time before going through the door, but could tell by my expression that he had better not dare say a word.
Thankfully, he got the message and as soon as he had made it through the door enough for me to slam it shut behind him, I did. Then, I did the only thing that I could think of doing, even with all of the strain that was surrounding us at the moment; I called Shawn.