Chapter Thirty-Two
Kennedy
“Hey, Cam.”
“Ken? Is everything okay?” Camille asked.
It wasn’t like me to call her so early.
“Sorry, were you sleeping?”
“No, I’m actually already at work. I got here about five minutes ago. I have a wedding this weekend, so I needed to finalize a few things. You know what it’s like here. It’s always crazy the day before. Is everything okay?”
I sighed. “It’s Friday,” I said.
“Ah, your last day of work.”
“Yeah. I just . . . I just needed someone to talk to.”
“You want me to talk you out of it? Because I will. You know how I feel about the whole thing. I would love for you to stay. He’s a good man, and she’s a lovely girl. I don’t think any harm was meant by it, Ken.”
“Did he call you?” I asked suddenly. I wasn’t sure why the idea was only coming to me now. Camille had called me out of the blue the one day to tell me that I should reconsider my feelings for Reed. I had just figured she was trying to be a friend to me.
“Yeah,” she said. “Sorry I didn’t tell you before.”
“He actually called you?”
“Don’t be mad at him, Ken. He has no idea what to do, and he knows how close the two of us are.”
“I’m not mad. I’m just . . .”
“Sad,” she finished for me.
“Yeah. I’m just sad. Anyway, I actually don’t have much to say. I just wanted to hear your voice before going into work. But I better get going. I’m taking Trin to school this morning. She has a half day today, so I don’t have much time alone. I’m going to tell her when she’s back from school.”
“Does Reed know that you’re going to tell her?”
“I assume so,” I said. “I mean, I haven’t spoken to him, but he knows it’s my last day. He hasn’t told Trinity himself, but that’s because I think he’s hoping I’ll change my mind.”
“Well, if you need anyone to talk to at any time, just call me. It doesn’t matter how busy I am. I will drop everything to talk to you. Okay?”
I smiled. “I can always count on you, Cam. I love you.”
“I love you too. Be good to yourself okay?”
“I will.”
I put the phone down and made my way to Reed’s house. My heart broke the moment I opened the door. Trinity had a stack of pancakes on the table waiting for me.
“Yay! We still have time,” she said.
“Time? For what?”
“Daddy and I made pancakes for you. We only have to leave in twenty minutes but we can all enjoy these pancakes together. And they’re delicious. Daddy cheated a little and put chocolate chip cookies in them.”
I smiled. “Chocolate chip cookies? Wow, you guys are getting good at this. Well, thank you, Trin. That sounds delicious,” I said as I took a seat.
Reed quickly stood up. “Uh, I think I need to get to work, actually. I didn’t realize the time.”
“Ah, but you said you would eat the pancakes with me. You haven’t even had one yet,” Trinity moaned.
“I . . . .”
“Stay,” I said.
He looked at me. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
For twenty minutes, it felt like our life might be back to normal. I knew that it was the last time I was ever going to feel that way with this family, so I made the most of it. Reed and I chatted with Trinity and laughed at all her jokes. We didn’t look at each other but instead focused all our attention on her. It was nice and sad all at the same time
“Okay, go brush your teeth young lady,” Reed said to Trinity. “It’s almost time for school. And give me a kiss goodbye.”
“Bye, Daddy,” she said and kissed him on the cheek. Then she ran upstairs to brush her teeth.
“Well, I better get going,” Reed said. “Have a great day, Ken.”
“Thank you. Uh, you too,” I said. I watched as Reed walked to the door, and as he got there, I stopped him. “Reed,” I said.
“Yeah?” He turned around.
“I’m going to tell her today,” I said.
He nodded sadly. “Good luck. Call me if you need me, okay?”
“Okay.”
Moments later, Trinity came bounding the stairs. She seemed to be in an overly excited mood, which only made me feel a million times worse for the fact that I was going to burst her bubble only hours later.
“It’s a half day today,” she said. “Which means we have extra time to play. I’m so excited. Can we draw all afternoon? And can we have a milkshake treat? That will be so nice. Won’t that be nice?” she said.
“That would be wonderful,” I said and held back the tears.
Once I had dropped Trinity off at school, I spent the morning at the park. I walked for about two hours, just thinking about my life and what I was going to say to Trinity. I wasn’t sure I had the guts to speak to her, but I knew it was something I had to do. After all, both her mother and Linda had walked away from her without giving her an explanation. If I did the same thing, she would be scarred for life. I knew I had to talk to her, but I also had to let her know that I would always be her friend. That was going to be the most important part of the conversation. Perhaps we could even come up with play dates each week. Maybe she’d be more understanding than I gave her credit for.
After the park, I thought about going to visit Camille, but I knew she was busy today. She’d drop everything for me, which would only make me feel more guilty about the fact that I was taking her away from work. Instead, I went to a small café down the road, ordered some coffee and a muffin, and attempted to read a magazine. After I’d exhausted all the possible things to do for the day, I simply waited until it was time to get Trinity. My hands shook as I drove to her school, and when she climbed into the car with tales of her day, I felt a tear escape me. I quickly wiped it away before she could see.
We got home, and I told her that we needed to talk. I had to get it over with as soon as possible. I just couldn’t pretend any longer.
“Talk? Like girl time?” she said with excitement.
“Not really. I have something serious I want to talk to you about.”
She looked frightened. “What’s wrong?”
I sighed. It was now or never. “Trin, today is my last day here as your nanny.”
“Your last day? But why? Don’t you like it here? I thought you were happy to be my nanny.”
“Oh, Trin—I love being your nanny.”
“So, why are you leaving?”
“It’s hard to explain. But it’s between your dad and I. It has nothing to do with you. We thought that we could be a couple, but there’s too much going on right now. And it’s just better if we aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend.”
“But why?” she said again. “Don’t you love my dad?”
“I do. But your mom is back, and I think he needs to first sort things out with her. And I think that I just need a bit of space.”
“But my daddy doesn’t love my real mom anymore. He loves you. I know he does,” she said and started to cry.
“Ah, Trin. Please don’t cry. You have to understand that I’m only leaving because I don’t want to hurt you. But just because I can’t be your nanny anymore, it doesn’t mean that we can’t stay friends. I promised you that I would be in your life forever and I’m going to stick to that. You have to believe me. I was thinking that maybe we can have play dates together once a week. Won’t that be fun?”
She shook her head. “No, it won’t be the same. You were supposed to be my new mommy. Now you’re just going to leave me. Everyone leaves me. You’re lying to me.”
“I’m not leaving you, Trinity. I told you . . . I’m only going to stop being your nanny. That’s all. And it has nothing to do with you. It is only between me and your father. I promise you. You have to believe me. I’ll never stop being your friend.”
Trinity was sobbing now. Her little face was in her hands. She looked up at me, and the eye contact made me jolt.
“You will. I know you will. You will leave me just like everyone else. It’s not fair. You were supposed to be the one that stayed. It’s not fair. What is wrong with me? Why does everyone leave me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all.”
“My real mommy left without even saying goodbye to me. I was just a baby, and she made my daddy cry. I know because he told me. And then Linda left me too. And now you’re going to leave me. I hate you.”
“Don’t say that, Trin. Please,” I pleaded. “Please don’t say you hate me. I love you so much,” I said.
“I hate you.” She stood up and went running to her room. She slammed the door behind her.
I ran up the stairs and opened the door, but she screamed for me to leave her alone. I didn’t know what to do. I closed the door and listened to the sound of her sobbing. I wasn’t sure what I had thought would happen, but her reaction was definitely even worse than I had imagined it to be. I felt as if I had ripped her heart into pieces. I thought of all the times that I had been hurt as a child. I had promised myself that I would never do that to someone, and yet here I was doing exactly what I said I wouldn’t do. This was why I didn’t want to get close to anyone. This was why I would never get close to anyone ever again. I couldn’t handle this feeling. I stood there for a while, hoping that she would tell me to come back, but she didn’t. I suppose I didn’t blame her.
I went back downstairs and walked straight to the kitchen. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I did the only thing that I could think of to get my mind off everything: I cooked. The fact that it was the last dinner that I was ever going to cook for Reed and Trinity kept coming into my head, and I kept trying to shove the thought away. I wasn’t sure that Trinity would even eat this meal. For a while, I had a feeling she wasn’t going to want anything to do with me.
I cut the onions and used that as an excuse for my tears. I heard a noise and turned around hoping that it was Trinity coming to make amends, but there was nobody there. I turned back around and shook my head, reaching for the wooden spoon to stir the onions. But just as I was about to retrieve the spoon I saw a shadow behind me.
“Trin?” I said.
I didn’t get a chance to fully turn around because as soon as I had moved my head, I felt a strong pain in the back of my head and I fell to the ground. I saw Angela standing above me with a smile on her face before my eyes fluttered shut.