Chapter Twenty-Seven
Valerie
Today was turning out to be another day during one of the worst weeks ever.
I was downright betrayed by Shawn; and now, his girlfriend, who I had warned him about multiple times, had just made it worse by telling the whole school about us.
I was disgusted. Even though Shawn looked as shocked and as angry as I was, I couldn’t even look at him anymore. Instead of staying to try and figure this out, which I was sure was what he wanted to do with me, I just turned around and put my foot on the gas of the car that had become such a bone of contention for us.
When the engine roared and the tires squealed, Shawn had to jump back so he wouldn’t get hit.
“What the hell?” I heard him yell, but he was already in my rear-view mirror. At this point, both physically and metaphorically, that was where I wanted him to stay. I had no interest in having this guy floating in and out of my life anymore.
He had all but ruined my life by his betrayal at home, and now, it seemed that his stupid girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend, whatever she was, was also behind the strange looks that I was getting in school. This was rather aggravating for me, to say the least.
I sighed as I sat at a light, trying my best not to scream out loud and bother everyone around me. I knew that wouldn’t do me any good. I knew that getting angry about the whole thing all over again was pointless.
After all, we had done what we did and Shawn had said what he said and that was enough to be angry about. This new development at school was all a part of the ripple effect from his loose lips; nothing more.
There is no use in getting all worked up over a ripple, I told myself, even though my breathing was heavy and I felt incredibly sick to my stomach.
I hoped that I would be able to make it home.
Home, I thought and rolled my eyes. That concept was nothing to me anymore. Ever since Shawn had thrown the fact that we had slept together in my mother and step-father’s face, neither of them had spoken to me after demanding to know if it was true.
I did think about lying and telling them that he was crazy. After all, what harm could it do? I already hated him. However, even at that moment, when I had the choice to throw him under the bus and run him over as many times as I wanted, saving myself in the process, I couldn’t find it in my heart to do it. I loved him and that sucked.
The boy that I had grown up with had turned into a man whose sense of self and morals I completely despised and yet, I could not do to him what he had done to me. I could not stoop to his level and try to cut him as deeply as the gashing wound he had left in my heart.
I even opened my mouth to try, utilizing the searing pain and anguish that I was feeling to feed negative energy into my words, but unfortunately all I said was a somber, truthful and incriminating, “Yes, it’s true,” before I ran up to my room and locked the door.
Since then, no one had said a word to me.
I pulled into the driveway, thankful that no one was here. I got out of the car and took a few calming breaths before I made my way up the walk toward the house.
I shook my head, trying to think of other things besides the pain I had in my heart, when I saw the door that Shawn had slammed on his way out of the house and the table where the whole terrible mess happened.
However, when I walked in the house, it was kind of hard to miss the black bags that were piled high in the living room.
There was a note taped to one of the bags. Getting a terrible feeling in my gut, I walked over to the note and pulled it close enough to read.
The letter was typed and it immediately brought tears to my eyes, for before I even read it, I got the picture of what was happening and it made me sick.
Valerie,
You have made your decision and now, we have made ours. You have shown that you think you can make ‘big girl’ decisions, so here it is.
I have packed all of your belongings into these bags. You may take them with you, but you need to find another place to live.
We cannot live like this anymore. You and Shawn have ruined our family and for that, right now, it is even hard to look at you.
I will always love you, but you need to leave. I have to think of myself and my marriage and so, I am sorry.
Please be gone by the time Paul and I return home from work, or we will have to take more adult action.
Mom
By the time my eyes had reached the end of the letter, I knew I was going to throw up. As I looked up, the world began to spin and I felt my lunch winding its way back up my throat.
I tried to breathe deeply, but after a few gasps, I knew it was no use. I ran outside and barely made it off the porch before I hurled into the flower garden.
I was too sick to even be embarrassed. I wasn’t sure if anyone could see me, but I didn’t care.
Apparently, I didn’t matter anymore. According to this note, my mother’s marriage was far more important to her than trying to help me, her daughter, through a tough time. I couldn’t believe that mistake could cause such an awful reaction.
I figured that at worst, I would be grounded indefinitely and unable to even date until I was able to move out. But as mad as they were at me, I would have never imagined they would kick me out. That just didn’t make any sense.
However, I had the proof to show that was what they wanted, what my mother wanted. Once I was finished being sick, I went back inside to a home that really was no longer my home and rinsed my mouth, before I started to angrily load the bags into my car.
I didn’t even care what they had to say anymore. I was taking my car.
If I wasn’t so furious, I would have probably been proud of myself at the speed that I was able to pack. I felt as though I was going to be sick again at any moment.
Despite all of that though, besides all of the anger and all of the hurt that I had bubbling up inside of me, I did not allow myself to think all that much. I couldn’t allow it, or I knew life would not go well for me at all. I was already depressed and this had made me feel worthless. I almost wished that I felt shame as I hauled the bags up to my car, but I didn’t even feel that. I was past feeling that and therefore, I just felt worthless.
I figured there was absolutely nothing that I could possibly do that would make me feel any worse then I felt at this moment. I felt so alone. Literally everything that I had was completely gone and I had nothing at all to show for it.
Shawn and I aren’t even together! I thought as I hauled one of the last bags into the back of my car. There were so many different raging emotions flying around inside of me now, I ended up feeling absolutely nothing. Overloaded with whatever it was that was going on inside of me, I felt numb and sick.
However, it wasn’t the kind of numbness where there was no pain; it was that thick and heavy numbness that made my limbs almost burn with the effort of having to carry their weight.
With every bag I carried out to the car, I felt as though another hundred pounds of weights were chained to my body, dragging it down and making me feel completely useless.
If this didn’t stop, I was sure that I would eventually just sink into the ground and disappear.
However, that is essentially what they want, isn’t it? I thought as I finally finished with the bags. When I heaved the last one into the car, I turned around and looked at the house that I had grown up in one last time and shook my head. There were so many memories in this house, but right now, all I could think of was the negative. Wasn’t that what my mother’s note said? Instead of dealing with the problem and uniting, like a family should do, they just severed the weakest link.
First Shawn…now me, I thought and sighed as I shook my head, tried not to freak out and made my way to the driver’s side of this stupid car.
I had no idea where I was going to go, but by this point, I not only needed, but also wanted to be anywhere but here when my mother and her stupid husband returned.