Chapter Thirty
Kennedy
I didn’t want to go to work that morning. It was the first time since starting with Reed that I was dreading my day. But, no matter what had happened, I couldn’t just leave him without at least giving him the chance to find someone else. I wasn’t looking forward to telling Trinity that I wasn’t going to be her nanny anymore, but it simply wouldn’t be healthy for me to stay. I felt like an awful person. I should never have allowed myself to get so close to them. I was just supposed to cook their food and take care of Trinity. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love at the same time. I wasn’t supposed to become a replacement mother. It had all happened too fast, too soon, and now little Trinity was going to suffer because of our carelessness.
I got to Reed’s house that day with a heavy feeling of dread weighing down on me. It was Reed’s first day back at work after the holiday, which meant that he would probably be home later than usual. Usually, I wouldn’t have minded this. I loved spending time with Trinity. But I had a feeling that this day was going to be harder than most. Today I was going to have to spend a very long day pretending as if everything was okay.
I opened the door and forced myself to smile.
“Morning, Reed,” I said as normally as possible.
“Morning, Ken. Uh, would you like some coffee?”
“No thanks, I already had some at home,” I said.
The two of us stood there for a few minutes in awkward silence while I silently begged Trinity to make an appearance. I could see that Reed was just about to say something to me and I quickly looked away. Thankfully, at that moment, Trinity walked in carrying a small bag.
“Where are you going?” I asked her.
“To school. It’s my first day back remember,” she said.
“Oh! I forgot.”
“Is that okay? Do you mind taking her and picking her up once she’s done?” Reed asked.
I felt relief wash over me. That gave me a few hours without pretending like nothing was wrong. I nodded with a bit more enthusiasm than was necessary. “Absolutely. Oh, Trin, are you excited?”
“Yes, I’m going to tell them all about Disney World. But I’m not going to boast!” she said.
I chuckled. “That’s good. Well, say goodbye to your Daddy then. I’ll make you something to eat quickly and then I’ll take you.”
My message to Reed, I hoped, was clear—it said, ‘do not stay for breakfast with us.’ He seemed to notice. Because he kissed Trinity on the head and told her that he had to get going as he had a busy day ahead of him.
“Bye, Daddy,” she called out.
“Bye, Reed,” I said and quickly walked to the kitchen to start the breakfast.
I actually hadn’t had any coffee. I just said that because I didn’t know what else to say at the moment. So when Reed left, I made myself a cup and sat down with Trinity while we discussed her upcoming school day. Afterward we got into the car, and I dropped her off.
“Can you walk me to the front?” she asked.
“Of course I can,” I said and took her hand.
As we walked to the school, I could see how proud she was to be walking with me into the school. I felt daggers being thrown into my heart at the sight of her little face. How was I going to tell her that I was no longer with her father? I hugged her goodbye and rushed to the car so that she wouldn’t see my tears. As I drove back home, I finally allowed myself to cry. I hadn’t cried in a very long time, and the emotional response was almost too much to bear at that moment. It wasn’t just me that I was crying for anymore. I was crying for Reed, I was crying for Trinity, I was crying for everything that had ever gone wrong in my life. I had to stop the car because I couldn’t see through the tears. I sat there crying in the car for almost an hour before I finally headed back home. I felt like I had no more tears left inside of me, but as soon as I walked back inside, they started all over again.
I decided to go home instead of going to Reed’s house. There were too many memories at his house, and at least at home, I had Merlot to keep me company. He seemed to know that I was upset, and spent most of the day curled up near me. Trinity’s school day wasn’t very long. I had planned on spending the day cooking, but in the end, all I did was just watch TV to help get my mind off my problems. It didn’t help much, but I stayed there regardless.
“You are the only thing in my life that hasn’t hurt me,” I said to Merlot. “I think we should officially get married.”
Merlot looked at me as if to tell me I was mental, but then he put his little paw on my leg and tapped it. I wasn’t sure if he was telling me that everything was going to be alright or if he was just giving me a gentle nudge as a reminder that I should feed him. I fed him regardless and kissed his little head.
“Time to go, my boy,” I said. “See you later. I expect lots more cuddles from you when I return.”
Trinity climbed excitedly into my car when she saw me.
“It’s so cool that you came to get me,” she said.
“Of course I got you. Otherwise you’d have to sleep in your classroom, and I don’t think that would be too comfortable,” I said, and she laughed. “So, how was your first day back?”
Trinity launched into a tale of her school day, stopping only to take deep breaths before rattling off again. She was adorable, and I was actually glad to be with her again. In some ways, she reminded me too much of what was going on, and in some ways, she helped me forget. When we got home, she grinned at me and told me that she had something to show me.
“You do?” I asked.
She led me to Reed’s bedroom, and I tried not to look around. She pointed to the computer.
“I want to show you the photos from the trip. I looked at them with my dad yesterday. They’re so cool. You are going to love the dinosaur ones,” she said and switched on the computer.
No! No! No! Not the photos. I didn’t want to see them, but I couldn’t exactly tell Trinity that. So we sat together while she clicked through each photo, pausing far too long on each one to examine them with me. I tried to concentrate on everything except for Reed in the photos, but it wasn’t easy. There was one photo in particular that drove me crazy. I clearly remembered taking it too. Trinity had been fast asleep on her father’s lap, and the two of them were sitting on the balcony of the hotel room. I’d gone to the kitchen to make coffee, and had quickly taken the picture when they weren’t watching. Seeing it again brought back the same memories from that night. I remember thinking that Reed was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. The love that he shared with his daughter was so big and so real. That was the first night that I thought I might be falling in love with him. Just after that photo had been taken, he’d turned around and smiled at me.
“Okay, let’s see the next one,” I said. I couldn’t look at that photo anymore. It didn’t really help, though. There were so many photos that seemed to offer me the same reaction.
After looking through the photos, Trinity turned to me with a serious look on her face.
“My real mother is back,” she said.
I was surprised at that. I didn’t know that Reed had told her. I couldn’t imagine how difficult that conversation must’ve been.
“So I hear. Are you okay?” I asked her.
She nodded. “I’m fine. My daddy told me that her name is Angela and that she wants to see me again. I asked my daddy if Angela was his girlfriend, but he says that she’s not. He also said that if I wanted to see her, I could, and that he wouldn’t stop me.”
“Do you want to see her?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No. She makes my daddy sad. Yesterday he woke up with puffy eyes. And she’s not my mother anymore. I don’t even know her.”
I sighed. “I understand, Trin. And you must do whatever it is that makes you happy. Your father is right about that; this is completely up to you. But it’s good that you have two parents that want to be a part of your life. That’s a good thing.”
Trinity thought about it for a while before continuing. “It is. I always wanted my mommy to come back, but that was before I met you. Now I don’t need her to. I already have a family with you and my daddy. And we have the best time ever!”
I smiled at her and tried hard not to cry. I had no idea how to even respond to her. It was all too much for me. How could I break her heart like this? I quickly changed the subject and asked her if she wanted to help me in the kitchen. She eagerly agreed, and together we made a big dinner. I told her that her father was going to be late, so we ate dinner together and watched a movie. After that, I helped her in the bath and then read to her until she fell asleep. Once again, I was amazed at how easy it was to fall back into the same routine with her. I hated the thought that I only had a few more days left of that routine.
I waited for Reed to come home. I sat in the living room looking at a book, turning the pages without really seeing the words. I wasn’t even sure why I bothered with the book when I had clearly not read a single thing, but it felt good to have something to do. When I heard his car in the driveway, I grabbed my bag and my coat. I was not planning on staying any later than I had to.
“Hey,” he said when he saw me. “Are you leaving already?”
I nodded. “Uh, yeah. It’s late. Trinity is asleep. All went well with her first day back at school. She can’t wait to tell you in the morning. There’s a pot of food on the stove, so you just have to heat it up if you’re hungry. Trinity helped me with it, and she wanted to make lots, so there’s a bit more than usual. I’m not sure if you want to take some to work perhaps?”
“That sounds amazing. Are you sure you don’t to join me now?” he asked hopefully.
I shook my head. I could barely stand to even look at him. It was too hard. “No, I’ve already eaten. And I need to get back home anyway. The neighbors aren’t there today, and I need to feed Merlot.”
It wasn’t true. The neighbors were there, and Merlot had probably gotten more food than was necessary. I just needed to get away. It had been an emotional day, and I just wanted the week to be over so that I could go back to the way my life was before.