Chapter Twenty-Nine
Valerie
While I drove, heading in the general vicinity of the spot that we had deemed ours a few lifetimes ago, I contemplated whether or not I really wanted to do this.
Ultimately, I knew that I really had no idea.
Besides the fact that I had everything that I owned packed in a car that I wasn’t completely sure I wasn’t stealing, I also was not too thrilled with the idea of seeing Shawn’s stupid face ever again.
This is all his fault! I angrily mashed the pedal down on the floor and growled hatefully. I was scared. That was for certain. Everything was happening so fast and even though I was happy, at least on some level that Shawn was trying to be there for me, I was also very afraid that he would try to hurt me like he had done before. I was still so raw from the last time he had thrown me to the wolves that I didn’t want to be near him.
When he was leaning on my car, with his head sticking in the window, it was all I could do not to punch him in the face.
My whole life was turning upside-down before my very eyes and all I could do was sit back and gape in astonishment. I would have never thought that my mother, of all people, would stoop so low as to kick me out of my own childhood home, without even having the decency to explain what was going on in person. That just wasn’t like her.
However, I couldn’t think about it too much, because every time I did, it made me feel even sicker than when I had first realized what was going on. It was literally all that I could do to keep myself from having to pull over and spew what little I had left in my stomach onto the side of the road. I was nervous and scared. Everything I had ever worked for, all of the trust that I had built up with my mother and even with Paul was gone in a moment; not only that, but it was taken from me and I wanted it back.
Yet, everything was just so out of my control that all I really wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hibernate or something until my mom missed me.
How can her marriage be more important to her than her daughter? I thought with a searing sense of hate burning deep into my core. She had always told me that I was the most important thing in her whole world and yet, she didn’t even have the decency to talk to me about what happened; why it happened.
I was disgusted.
By the time I decided that I was going to go to the park, I had come to the terrible conclusion that I really had nowhere else to go.
When my car pulled into the parking lot that melded with gravel before giving way to a green park, filled with playground equipment and more recently, a path with exercise equipment, I had realized that as much as I wanted to hate Shawn right now, there was no way I could. There was no one else in the whole world that I could turn to right now.
My family had completely shut me out and Zachary had cheated on me. I didn’t want to expose my problems to the same girls who I was sure were snickering behind my back during school today and therefore, that left only Shawn. The same jerk that had always been there for me, aggravating me intensely for the entirety of our friendship.
When I looked up, I noticed that once again, there he was, waiting for me, with a smile on his face; the only true smile that was passed my way all day.
It was because of this, that even though I was still angrier at him than I had ever been at anyone in my entire life, I was still happy to see him. I smiled back, briefly, but meaningfully, before I turned off the car and got out.
He did not rush up to me which I was happy about, because I might have used that as an excuse to punch him in the face; but rather, he allowed me the freedom to come to him.
I made my way toward him easily. I was scared, but then again, I was pretty much scared of everything now. There was nothing that did not plague me at the moment. I felt even more lost than I had when I found out that my father had died.
I could still remember that day. Shawn was there too. He was my beacon of light and right now, as I focused on him in front of me, I decided that no matter what had happened between us or what was going to happen to us, , that was exactly what he was to me again.
So, as I walked up to him, even though I still had a strong urge to hit him, I resisted and instead, put my arms out. When I was close enough, I wrapped him in a hug.
He seemed surprised at first, but within a few seconds, he pulled me in close to him as well and hugged me tighter.
“I am so sorry, Val…” he said as I began to sob.
“Shut up,” I answered carefully. “Don’t talk Shawn, or I will hit you.” I hugged him closer and sniffled as tears began to stream down my face and onto his shoulder.
“Okay. Good call.”
“Shhh. Just hold me.”
And to my surprise, instead of trying to get a word in edgewise, Shawn did exactly as I told him to. He did not try to push me into talking and he didn’t even try to comfort me with his words, which likely wouldn’t have worked anyway. Instead, he just held me close and rubbed my head with his hand. He stroked me slowly and I closed my eyes, trying desperately to forget the world in its entirety.
I didn’t want to think about anything. I didn’t want to contemplate how angry I was at Shawn, or how hurt I was by my mother cutting me off; none of it. I just wanted to enjoy the peace and serenity I felt while wrapped tightly in Shawn’s arms, being consumed by the darkness.
We stayed like that for a long time. I was happy this way. I didn’t want to stop.
However, eventually, I began to calm down and realized that it would probably be a good idea for me to talk to Shawn.
This reminder of our closeness had done a lot to help me come to terms with the fact that I needed him, especially now, but it did not erase what he did. It did not help me come to terms with what was going on.
All that he was able to provide was comfort; a soft cushion to land on after taking a potentially lethal blow.
Eventually, I pulled away from him and gazed into his eyes.
He smiled back and moved to swipe a tear away from my cheek. Feeling his hands on my face made me feel happy and even slightly aroused.
I had always had a crush on him and the feel of his touch against my skin would always be something that triggered a reaction from me. I couldn’t help it.
Still, even the feelings that he caused to race through my body didn’t erase what he had done and what had happened as a result.
I didn’t need comforting right now. I needed solutions.
Owning this, I sighed deeply and asked him, “What am I going to do?”
He continued to stare at me. “Umm…Can I speak now?”
“I might still hit you.”
He shrugged. “I would rather you not, but I wouldn’t blame you. I definitely deserve it.”
“You do.” I nodded thoughtfully.
I watched Shawn’s face frown slightly and got the feeling that I wasn’t actually supposed to agree with him on that, but I didn’t care. He had hurt me and he needed to know it.
I would deal with him later though, for I had far more on my plate at the moment besides just my contempt for what Shawn did.
When I showed no remorse for my comment, he gave up and added, “Okay, well, let’s think. The first thing you need is a place to stay, right?”
I nodded.
He thought for a moment and then came back to me as though he was almost afraid that I would flat out reject him. “Well…If you want, you are welcome to stay with me?”
I narrowed my eyes at him and thought about what he was saying. Since I didn’t have very many options, I actually considered it before I truly thought about it. Finally, I said, “You mean, at your mom’s?”
He nodded eagerly. “She’s never there, Valerie. Chances are, she probably wouldn’t even notice you there.”
I couldn’t believe that I was considering it, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense, at least in my mind. I did need a place to stay and he was offering.
Finally I decided that might not be such a bad thing. “Okay,” I replied after a long period of silence. “I will stay there for a few nights, but that’s it.”
He shrugged and answered genuinely, sounding relieved, “As long as I have a home, you are welcome to it whenever you want, Val. You know that.”
He smiled at me and I supposed that he was trying to have a heart-to-heart, but I didn’t smile back. Right now, Shawn had something that I desperately needed. That didn’t mean, in any way, shape or form that I was interested in forgiving him. “You know, this doesn’t mean that you are off the hook. We still have a lot to discuss.”
He nodded and answered honestly, “I know. I don’t even expect for you to forgive me, but right now, I think that getting you settled is far more important than you being angry at me.”
“No…It’s about the same, but finding a place to sleep tonight has a time limit.” I shrugged and stared at him with an impassive sense about me. “I guess I will see you at home.”
He shrugged again before he answered, this time a little less enthusiastic, “Yeah, I guess you will.”