Chapter Fifteen
Valerie
What the hell was that all about? I thought as I flopped onto my bed.
Upon returning to my bedroom, I felt a strange sense of emptiness encompassing my being.
Flashbacks of years before, what he had said and how he had reacted when I had made the same suggestion that he had wanted me to fulfill tonight reminded me of exactly when I believed the beginning of the end of our relationship began. For a long time, I had tried to ignore that idea. It had not been simple and it had not really worked all that well, but I had tried it nonetheless.
I tried to see it from his perspective, but tonight, what he had said and how he had acted had only made me angry with him. I had not expected to be angry, but I was. I had not expected to feel hurt or betrayed either, but I was.
On top of all that, I was also confused.
I might have not actually believed him when he said what he did that night, which felt like so many lifetimes ago now, but I had wanted everything to work out. I had the intention of everything being okay. Because I knew that he didn’t mean it, I was willing to work past the hurt and the frustration that I felt after being rejected. But then our relationship just sank further and further into an abyss of nothingness, until it dissipated altogether.
Then, the moment that I was ready to give up on any kind of relationship between Shawn and I, he dropped this bombshell on me; and instead of making me happy, it only made me angrier with him.
Instead of erasing all of those hurt and unpleasant feelings that I had, what had happened tonight had only compounded what I was already feeling, as dormant as it was.
In a way, I felt as though I should be happy. Tonight was confirmation that I was right all along and I should be excited by that, but I wasn’t. I was just frustrated.
After a moment though, I heard a knock at my door. I breathed deeply and tried to focus on not sounding as depressed as I really was when I answered, “Come in.”
My mother came through the door easily and smiled at me. “I thought I heard you come in.” She turned her head and added, “Are you all right?”
“Yes. It’s just been a very long week.”
She nodded, almost as though she understood exactly what I was talking about. “Sometimes that will happen.” She sat down on my bed and smiled at me. “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
I shrugged. “It’s just…you think you know a person and then…they surprise you in the most awful, horrible way ever.”
Her lips pursed tightly for a moment, before her eyes softened and she asked, “Are you and Shawn still fighting?”
Define fighting? I thought, but knew that one thing I could not confess to my mother was the longing that I had, that I had always had of Shawn and I being together. So instead of opening that never-ending barrel of problems, I simply nodded.
“I’m not sure exactly what is going on with Shawn right now, but there are some things he just needs to work out on his own.” She shrugged before she added, “I don’t know why he is acting so strange, after all, he hasn’t even returned his father’s phone calls, but I think all he needs is time.” She lightly put her hand on my arm before she said encouragingly. “The important thing…Well, really all that you can do right now, is give him his space, be there if he wants to talk to you and remember that the way that he is acting isn’t your fault. He probably doesn’t even know why he is acting this way and that is probably very aggravating to him.” She smiled and shook her head. “He loves you…”
I blinked at her and my heart began to pound wildly in my chest, nervous that my mother was reading between the lines. However, I refrained from saying anything, or incriminatingly denying this, which I was happy about; because after her short pause, she moved into a far more acceptable avenue for her advice.
“I know he does. You are his best friend and you always have been. We, along with his father, have always been there for him. We are his family.” She shrugged as my heartbeat began to return to normal rates and I was sure that the color was also beginning to return to my face. “Unfortunately, sometimes even the closest families have their arguments and their disagreements that get blown out of proportion, especially when it comes to teenagers.” She laughed then, realizing that she was talking to her eighteen-year-old daughter. “But my point is, he is probably just trying to find himself. As a parent my role is to let him do that himself. He has to fall, or at least wander around blindly for a little while before he understands what it is he really wants…and as his friend, you need to let him do the same.”
I smiled at her and nodded. “Thanks, Mom.”
With that, she beamed at me. “I miss him too, but eventually, he will find his way back to us. It is just a matter of time.” She stood up and began to walk out, but before she left, she offhandedly added, “The most important thing for us now is to never push him away when he is trying to come toward us.”
At that, I felt my heart begin to beat quickly again and I felt sick.
Thankfully, my mother was content to leave me to myself and therefore, she only looked back at me for a moment. I just nodded carefully, before she turned and closed the door.
Now I was even more confused than before.
I didn’t sleep well that night and when school came around the next day, I couldn’t believe how weird literally everything felt to me.
It wasn’t just that I was trying to avoid Shawn at all costs. It was also because, what had happened the night before had completely changed every perception I had ever had about the relationship that was culminated, literally for mine and Shawn’s entire life.
At first, it was always wonder. I always had the idea that he liked me about as much as I liked him, but I was never brave enough to find out. Then, when I did finally break it to him, he rejected me harshly.
Due to that, the sanctity of our friendship was cracked and what I thought could be a possibility for a meaningful relationship was completely shattered.
That was the last thing I ever wanted for him and I, but that was what happened and I knew that because of it, things would never be the same.
For two long years I lived with that, trying to repair our relationship, only to watch it splinter; until last night, when I thought it had completely shattered, only to realize that I was right all along.
I knew I should be happy with that and I knew that I should have jumped at the chance to be with him, before he went and changed his mind again. Part of me thought that if things had played out differently, he would have come home and not only would I have gotten what has now become the closest thing to a lifelong dream that I had ever had, I would also be the hero for bringing him home.
It would have been perfect, because my parents would have just been so happy to see him and have him back, that they wouldn’t have even asked questions. We could have gotten away with pretty much anything.
Alas, I had reacted based entirely on how I felt and that had turned out to be incredibly wrong, which in turn made my whole reality exceptionally strange.
Eventually, I turned to the one constant that I had in my life, who was totally removed from my strange family: Zachary.
When I saw him standing by his locker, I smiled, thinking about the happiness he brought me.
Another strange thing about today was the fact that Zachary had not picked me up. He said that he had homework to do and therefore, he was going to get a ride into school.
That wasn’t too abnormal though, so I had no problem walking up to him and starting a conversation.
“Hey, Zachary,” I said cheerfully, trying to leave my baggage behind me for the moment. “Did you finish your homework?”
“What?” He asked and then looked at me with a strange expression before he shook his head. “Oh…hi Valerie…Yeah, I did.” He smiled at me, but in my opinion, it looked incredibly forced.
I wasn’t sure why he was acting so strangely, but in a way, I figured that it was really none of my business. Afterward, he seemed all right and even walked me home as he normally did.
So I chalked his weird reaction to me coming up to him randomly this morning as just another way in which that day had turned out to be weird.
Maybe it’s a full moon, I thought, but really didn’t give much more merit to the reason behind the day at all. Eventually, I just figured it was all in my head.
After all, there was plenty going on with me, but there was no external reason for anything to be strange with anyone else, especially Zachary. Right?