Chapter Five
Valerie
It sounded silly, even to me, but during the time the two of us were having our high little reminisce, heart-to-heart, whatever you wanted to call it, I held out hope that we had made a breakthrough.
Although I was sure that I would never actually admit it, I knew that I wanted my best friend back. I wanted the Shawn that could tell me anything and the friend that would be there for me no matter what.
It didn’t matter that the two of us were completely off our rockers that weekend; we had a great time and I missed that. We might not have been quite as random and silly when we were not under the influence of anything, but back when we were best friends, before the decline that took place after the marriage of our parents, there was never a dull moment.
Having that weekend together reminded me just how much I missed Shawn and wanted him back. Due to the fact that he had decided to pull away, we had assumed a new normal that was nothing like the relationship we used to have.
Up until a week and a half ago, we had lived under the same roof, but we hardly spoke. He resented me, but I wasn’t quite sure why and so eventually, I went my way, searching for what I was missing from our relationship, and he went his way.
He found Dalilah…a crazy woman that I detested, but my relationship strengthened with Zachary, so I really couldn’t complain, in that respect.
Yet, I missed him and that past weekend had really put it into perspective of exactly how much I missed him. I didn’t want to have to go another day…or another minute trying to be away from him. The weekend made me realize how much we had been torn apart and how superficial this new normal was.
Therefore, the following Monday morning, when I was feeling good enough to get out of my room, I quickly made my way downstairs. I wanted to catch Shawn before he left for school to see if he wanted to talk.
However, his car was already packed by the time I was ready to go and my mother said that he wanted to leave early to get back to his own mother’s house.
“So, he isn’t staying?” I realized how desperate my voice sounded, even though I really didn’t care. In truth, I was desperate. I wanted my friend back and I couldn’t imagine him living with a woman who didn’t care for him at all, while I tried to sort this out.
My mother shook her head sadly. “He’s a teenage boy and Paul is very rough on him. I wish he would lay off, but it seems that the more he pulls away, the harder he tries to push him away.”
I shrugged and wondered what the difference was. Sure, I was better at school then Shawn, but I had always been better at it. School came easy to me where, unfortunately, it did not come near as easy to Shawn. But he was working on it and therefore, I couldn’t understand why his father would always be so hard on him.
However, I never said anything, because it wasn’t my place. Staring at my mother now, I really didn’t think it was my place to say anything now either, even though I was fairly certain that whatever I had to say, my mother would agree with.
Even so, she didn’t give me very much time to answer before she asked, “How are you feeling?”
I thought for a moment, trying to switch gears. Honestly, I was so concerned with fixing Shawn and my relationship, that I wasn’t even considering my own personal state. “I’m okay, actually…” I said after thinking for a moment. I switched gears again and added, “Do you think that I could still catch him?”
My mother chuckled. “Well, no…I think he’s pretty long gone. But you’ll see him at school.”
I groaned and rolled my eyes. “Why does he do this to me?”
“I don’t know, dear,” she answered, even though I was sure she knew I actually didn’t mean for her to. “He’s going through a rough time right now though and he does need our support.”
I smiled and nodded, knowing that for as aggravated as I was at the moment, he was feeling far worse about his situation. At least both my mother and stepfather allowed for me to do what I pleased, for the most part. I had witnessed the harshness that Shawn’s father plagued him with and I knew it wasn’t right.
But my mother had often reminded me that before anything, he was Paul’s son and therefore, he needed to be the one to decide how he should be disciplined.
Even though my mother was there as an equal parent, I knew that ultimately whatever Paul said went as far as Shawn was concerned, and whatever my mother said went with me. It was an unspoken rule, but one that was securely in place nonetheless and I took care to see that rule was not broken, despite the disproportion that I witnessed.
After a moment, I decided that I should get to the bus myself. I was sure that Zachary was waiting for me and would be at the door any minute to pick me up, if I was not already walking outside.
Once upon a time, when Shawn first got his car, which he worked so hard to get, he would take me to school. He would offer nearly every morning, but eventually, we had grown so far apart that he stopped asking. So even if he did occasionally put the idea out there, I would usually decline so that I wasn’t disappointed next time his mood shifted.
However, as I walked down the driveway, and even after I saw Zachary making his way toward my house, I realized that I had never missed our mornings together more than I did right now.
I didn’t want a car. For my eighteenth birthday, my mother and stepfather had offered to buy me one, but I had declined. I didn’t think it was fair that I was able to have one free and Shawn had to work hard to get his.
Yet, after our eventual growing apart, I was beginning to think that I had made a stupid, martyr’s choice. Still, my decision was based on the time when Shawn and I still drove together to school, so I figured that I didn’t need a car.
It wasn’t just about the ride though, it was the whole experience. It was the idea that technically, we could do anything once we pulled out of that driveway. We could go anywhere and the reason we chose to go to school was because we were good kids.
Still, that didn’t stop us from being late every now and again to go to breakfast.
I sighed and shook the recollections out of my mind as I made my way over to Zachary.
“So, how’s the tooth?” he asked, smiling knowingly as he spoke.
I shrugged. “Not too bad now, even though it still looks like a bomb went off in my mouth.”
Zachary squinted and stared at me with a hinged neck. “No. It doesn’t look like a bomb…exactly.” Then, as though he knew he shouldn’t have said that he shook his head. “Wait…No…I’m sorry. That was insensitive…I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry…” He smiled, as though trying to make amends.
I just snickered while I nudged his shoulder with my arm and shook my head. “It’s all right. I get it. I really do.”
He caught my eye and beamed proudly.“You’re beautiful.”
The stark sense of ease with which he spoke the words caused me to stop short. I stared back at him for a long while before I answered, “Thank you.”
However, with that, we heard the telltale signs of the large school bus screeching to a halt and so we did our best to take off running to catch it.
Later on that day during lunch, I got my opportunity to speak to Shawn. He was eating lunch with his friends, but normally, he didn’t mind me stepping in.
After all, before I was his stepsister, I was his best friend and everyone at the table knew that.
Still, recently, I had shied away, thinking that he didn’t want me there. But after the weekend we had shared, I thought that I might try to break the ice, while we were both in our right minds, devoid of any laughing gas and fully aware of what was going on.
“Hey!” One of Shawn’s friends,, who we both believe had a crush on me since the first day he met me exclaimed as I walked up to the table. “I thought you were never going to come back.
Quickly, he slid over in order to allow me a spot to sit down.
I did so carefully and spread a smile around the table. “Hi guys!”
Shawn usually sat with two girls, as well as his group of guy friends, but either they weren’t there today, or Shawn’s crazy girlfriend had mandated that he not be seen with any other females, other than herself. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I tried to catch Shawn’s eye, but he ignored me completely. In fact, he made it a point to turn and engage his friend in a conversation that I was immediately ejected from, since I had no knowledge of the game that they were talking about.
I couldn’t help but wince, knowing that he was trying to avoid me. Yet, I stayed at the table, spoke to the friends that remained, and tried my best to figure out what was bothering him so much.
Before this, I had known that we had grown apart, but this seemed different. This seemed like he was obviously trying to avoid me and that, I really wanted to get to the bottom of.