Chapter 9

 

I watched her sleep. For hours, I watched her eyes flutter with every dream that filtered through her little head. She’s perfect. She’s everything any man would ever want. And now–she’s pregnant with my baby.  My child. That’s a concept I never thought about. I never thought about having kids or being a dad. I never wanted any of that in my life. Where does it fit into my life? I’m not a nine to five business suit wearing guy. I kill—I deal in illegal activities ninety-nine percent of the time. How does a kid come into this world and be better than I am? That’s one of my main concerns. I don’t want to ruin this kid the way I was.

“You have stared at me for the last twenty minutes. Are you done yet?” Nessa’s voice is scratchy from being asleep, but no less perfect.

“I was wonderin’ what you were dreamin’ about. Your eyes fluttered so beautifully.” A small smile pulls across her face. I scoot up the bed, sitting next to her.

“You don’t have to be involved, Ghost. That’s not why I told you.” She says, like it’s no big deal. What the hell? Did she just try to take my kid away from me before it’s even born?

“What the hell does that mean?” I snap. I need to calm myself down. She doesn’t need me all in a fury right now too, but fuck what she just said.

“You didn’t plan on kids. Neither did I.” What is she trying to say?

“So, what, you don’t want it?” I ask the obvious. Her eyes come to rest on mine. Something deeper than even I know, lurking in them.

“I thought about abortion.” My eyes widen with her words. Like fuck she will!

“No fuckin’ way in hell!” I roar. Shoving off the bed, Nessa grabs my hand.

“I said, I thought about it, Ghost. I don’t want to do it now.” I blow out a breath, thankful for that.

“I would have tied your ass to this bed for the next eight months.” I say as I try to calm myself down.  Sitting back on the bed, Nessa laughs.

“I just mean—you don’t have to be a dad. I can take care of a baby by myself.” I let that run around in my head. Let her just take care of it, without me.  She could do it. She’s strong enough.  But is that what I really want? Could I be that kind of person that just lets her take over? It seems pretty fucked up to me. I may be an asshole, but I do have some fucking morals. 

***

I’ve kept Nessa in bed just like the doctor said to. She protests every chance she can get, too.

“Can we talk?” I ask, passing Nessa the tea she asked me for, she nods.

“What do you want to talk about?” Her eyes find mine as she sips her tea. She looks a hundred times better, now that she’s hydrated.

“My mom and dad died when I was young.” Nessa’s eyes lock with mine, her chest heaving. I don’t want her pity. I don’t want her to look at me that way.

“Me and my mom were home alone one night. My dad was workin’ late. I was in my room playin’ when I heard her screamin’. I climbed under the bed and hid there. The guy killed her, right there in my room. I climbed out after he left. Laid there with her, until my dad came home.”  I tell her. Tears slide down Nessa’s cheeks.

“How old were you?” She wipes at her cheeks before I look down.

“Seven. My dad told me to run to the neighbors and call the police. I heard the shot when I got out the front door.” I hadn’t noticed, but tears now fall down my cheeks, too. It still hurts. It still haunts me. Nessa grabs my shoulders, pulling me into her.

“I’m so sorry, Ghost. You’re the strongest person I know, to overcome that,” She says sweetly.  I know her words are meant to comfort me, but they don’t. I’m not strong, I turned to crime.

“I’m not, though. Can’t you see that? I turned to this—I’ve become the killer.” Her fingers travel up to my cheeks, caressing them softly.

“You became what the world made you. There is no shame in that. I care about you just the way you are.” She says.  Pulling my head up from her chest, I look her in the eyes.

“I can’t say that I love you, Nessa. I don’t know you. I want to, though. I want this.” My fingers roam to her stomach, caressing it gently.

“You don’t have to do it, Ghost. I know you have a life here.” My fingers don’t stop moving, though. Telling her about my family took more out of me than I thought it would. It hurt, physically.

“I told you this because I want this, Nessa. I may have been lost for a while but I think this is somethin’ good for me.” Nessa smiles before I lean up, pressing my lips to hers. Jerking back, I look at her in fake shock.

“That hurt! Did you just bite my lip?” I ask her with a grin.  Nessa laughs before grabbing my hair.

“Don’t be such a baby.”

“I am a baby.” I say with a whine. Tugging at her shirt, I figure I might as well play along.

“Now feed me.” Grabbing her nipple, Nessa laughs the most beautiful laugh I’ve ever heard.