Colter Slade—the world’s most famous Rock God is turning fifty, and I’m here at his party! It’s going well and Chad, Aston’s friend and fellow bandmate, is being very entertaining as we sit at the large round table in the gazebo in the backyard of the Slade manor. Aston, my boyfriend, and the love of my life seems a little preoccupied tonight, but hopefully he’ll get into the party spirit as the evening progresses. The music is great, the food is wonderful, and it’s nice to be included in all the excitement that comes with being involved with the greatest rock stars of the modern age.

I met Aston when my band Red Velvet went on a tour with his band Staked and another band Peripheral. Aston was best friends with Annie, Colt’s daughter, and they had a relationship for a while. That was until they slept together for the first time and Aston told her that he loved her. Normally, a girl would do anything to hear those words, but Annie freaked out. She’s adopted and felt like she didn’t deserve to be loved or some weird and twisted idea like that, and so she ended things with Aston. Which is good for me, because now he’s all mine, and I couldn’t be happier. We’ve been seeing each other for a while now. I hung around his band when they went on another tour. I was basically a stalker groupie following Aston around like a lost puppy.

I lost my mother to breast cancer and it turned my world upside down. I was spiralling out of control. At least she died on her favourite day—Christmas. Which is now my most despised day of the year, but I digress. After she had passed away, I met Aston and I threw myself into him. I wasn’t coping with the loss. She meant everything to me. Growing up without my father, my twin brother Hunter and I relied on our mother for everything. She passed on the genes that brought us into music and taught me how to sing, without her I wouldn’t be where I am. I owe her everything.

So instead of dealing with her loss I threw myself into Aston and he made everything better. He eased my pain and suffering and he made my world a better place to be—he made me want to live. I’m so in love with him that nothing can shake the feelings I have for him. He truly is the love of my life. He’s helped me so much and put up with my bad moods and somber demeanor while I grieve for my mother, but he’s been my rock through it all. I honestly couldn’t have gotten through it without him. He gets along with Hunter well, which is important because Hunter is the only family I have left. But I hope that Aston will one day ask me to marry him and we can start our own family.

The only downside to our relationship is that his ex is always a constant sore point for us. Unfortunately, because they’re still in a band together she’ll always be around, and I see the way she constantly looks at him. I see the way she looks at me. I’m not stupid, I know she’s jealous, but she let him go and now he’s mine. She had her chance and she can’t have him back.

Chad makes another funny joke and the table erupts in laughter including me and I turn to look at Aston, he grins, but his eyes are glazed over as he looks off into the distance. I take his hand under the table and entwine our fingers. He looks at me and I smile and he half smiles back.

“Are you okay? You seem distracted?” I ask and he looks away from me over to another table where Annie’s sitting pushing her food around on her plate. Tensing up, I inhale abruptly.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says turning back taking a large sip of his whiskey, the cubes of ice clink in the glass making me flinch at Aston’s frosty demeanor.

I swallow hard looking at the vein pulsing in his tense neck. Something’s up with him, he’s been weird all night and lately he’s been more distant than normal. Sure he still kisses and cuddles me and tells me he loves me, but something just seems…off.

“Are you sure?” I ask and he smiles and wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in close. He leans in kissing my head and I smile as he eases some of my tension.

“I’m sure,” he says as I turn leaning in and press my lips to his, he tastes like mint and whiskey and it will forever be a favourite taste of mine.

His lips kiss mine tenderly and the spark igniting inside of me fills me with excitement. It’s like I get giddy with butterflies every single time he kisses me. I love this feeling. Pulling back, Chad calls out for us to, “Get a room.” I chuckle and Aston smirks and looks away to the other side of the room and his jaw tenses. Following his line of sight to Annie, I want to break the moment, so I say the only thing I can think of.

“I love you,” I whisper and he turns breaking his gaze at Annie, filling my heart with warmth that he’s looking at me rather than at her now. He smiles, but his eyes are filled with longing, and it unsettles me. “Well, don’t you love me too silly?” I ask needing some reassurance.

He chuckles and brings his hand up to my cheek and smiles. “Of course.” He leans in and I purse my lips, but he dodges and moves up kissing my forehead. I gulp and lick my lips missing his kiss as I sit back and watch his expression harden.

Frowning as he leans back in his seat and empties the remainder of his drink. He rubs the back of his neck and looks over to where Annie was moments before. I notice she isn’t there anymore and it’s disconcerting.

Something is going on, I’m just not sure what?

“Aston, talk to me,” I whisper so the others at the table won’t hear.

He looks at me and swallows hard. “I’ve just gotta go do something,” he says and stands up abruptly. I grab his hand and he looks down as a sudden wave of panic washes over me.

“Where are you going?” I ask and he shakes his head.

“I just need to sort something out,” he replies.

My blood pressure spikes and angry tears start to form in my eyes. “Are you going to Annie?” I ask.

He looks away from me and pulls his hand from mine then inhales deeply.

“Aston, please tell me you’re not going to go after her?” I ask with a stern but quiet voice. I don’t want to make a scene in front of his family and friends. Even though I feel like I’m falling apart right now.

“I just need to make sure she’s okay. She seems on edge, I need to be a friend right now,” he says and I scoff.

“Aston, you and Annie are not friends. And she has plenty of other people who can go after her—”

“She’s upset because of me—”

“She gave you up. She has no right to be upset. Aston, please let this go…for me?” I plead as my eyes well with hot angry tears. He licks his lips and runs his hand through his hair shaking his head, every shake of his head is like a knife stabbing deeper into my heart.

“I’m sorry, I can’t,” he says and then walks off before I can say another word. It’s like a sucker punch right to the gut. All the wind is knocked from me as he chooses to look after his ex, rather than spending time with me, his girlfriend. My bottom lip trembles as I watch him walk out of the gazebo and toward her.

I can’t believe this is happening. My whole relationship with Aston feels like I’ve been competing with Annie, and I don’t know right now if I’m going to win this war. I turn back around taking the slender glass of chilled champagne and look at it. The bubbles dance along happily like they’re having a great time at the party while I sit here drowning in the ocean of emotion engulfing me. The dancing bubbles need to go, so I drink it down quickly. I need something to take the edge off. The cool hit of the liquid tingles on my tongue as it slides effortlessly down my throat. The hit from the alcohol buzzes through my insecure mind while all I really want to do is chase after Aston and pull him back into the gazebo. I’m worried that if I do that, though, it might force him into her arms even more. My stomach is churning and I feel physically ill.

My head is running through a million possibilities of what could be happening, and as the waiter comes around with more drinks, I couldn’t be more grateful. Taking another champagne, I drink the entire contents down as my leg agitates up and down on the spot. I’m really nervous, and I can’t help but think that my relationship might be heading for a fall. Aston has a soft spot for Annie, I believe he always will. I just have to hope that her stance on them getting back together stays solid. Because if she ever wanted him back I’m not sure what his answer would be. I know he cares about me, he’s loving and supportive, but he’s always that one step removed. And with that feeling, one tiny part of me keeps thinking that he’s not in this as much as I am, and it scares me. I’ve put everything into this. I’ve lost my heart to him, I couldn’t help it. Aston is an amazing and wonderful man and I am so lucky to be his girlfriend. I just hope I’m enough for him.

I pull out my phone and scroll through the pictures of us together. My heart starts to race thinking of what he could be doing right now. Are they talking? Are they arguing? Are they undressing each other and having wild, passionate sex? I don’t want to think about the latter. But my brain seems to be zoning in, only on the latter.

I can’t stand the waiting anymore so I excuse myself from the table and stand up to go and find Aston. My legs are shaky and my hands are trembling with the thought of what I might find. My heels are unsteady as they sink into the lush grass near the exit of the gazebo, I gaze around wondering where to look first. Staring over toward the house, I see a couple of people gathered by the back door, but no Aston. I turn around and look toward the lake and see someone walking up in the shadows. Straining my eyes, eventually I see that it’s Aston. He’s alone and his clothes are on. Phew!

“Aston, are you okay?” I call out as he walks up to me, every step he takes my heart sinks further into the ground.

He looks me in the eyes then grabs me by my hips and pulls me to him forcefully wrapping himself around me. I giggle at his strength and he looks me in the eyes as he leans in and kisses me vigorously and passionately. I’m taken a little by surprise and open my eyes wide by his sudden display of affection, but my body is quickly reacting and my mouth opens as I kiss him back. Mint and whiskey. My tongue slides against his and my hands run up his back and into his messy brown hair. I close my eyes and get lost in him. Kissing Aston is effortless and every time goose bumps line my skin. He slowly pulls back and looks into my eyes, his are glistening with unshed tears and straining to keep focused. I bite my bottom lip and he exhales and steps back putting a gap between us, but he still has his hands on my waist.

“You’re so beautiful, and you’re so good to me. I really don’t deserve you,” he says, my lips turn upwards in happiness.

“You’re good to me too, you’ve helped me through a lot. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I say honestly. He winces and his hands drop from my sides and he looks back into the gazebo.

“Let’s go join the party, hey?” I don’t miss the awkwardness in his voice. The slight drop in tone that tells me something isn’t okay with him. I wonder whether to push him for information about his time with Annie or to just let it go for now. I choose the latter as he grabs my hand and walks us into the gazebo. We arrive back to our round table that’s draped in a crisp white table cloth, and a simple fish bowl with black orchids decorating the middle. It’s beautiful and yet somehow manly at the same time, it’s definitely Colt with a touch of Lia–his wife. Aston pulls out my chair and I sit down on the soft cushion, which makes me feel more relaxed in this rock star environment. Aston is immediately taken away by Caleb, Annie’s cousin. He needs to talk to him urgently, seeming to be having a crisis of his own. So now I’m left here at the table where I’ll be drinking by myself again.

I’ve been keeping my eye out for Annie, but she hasn’t come back to the party, and that in itself is unnerving. Ella, Annie’s sister, is missing too, and there’s no one here I can talk to.

Aston has been gone for the good part of an hour and I’ve been drinking non-stop and I’m in dire need of the bathroom. Deciding I can’t wait for Aston to come back any longer, I drag my heels toward the exit of the gazebo feeling the slight buzz in my head of alcohol and a sinking feeling in my stomach that Aston’s not chatting to Caleb about his love life, but maybe off chatting about ours. Tonight is not going at all how I’d planned.

The last couple of weeks has been strange with Aston. We haven’t slept together in over a week and that in itself is odd. I feel like he’s pulling away, and all I can do is stand back and watch me lose him. I walk on the plush grass of the manor lawn, and I can’t help but hope that one day my band Red Velvet makes it as big as Colt’s band Slayed. That way I can have a house like this too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not poor or wanting for anything, actually I’m quite well off. Mum saw to that in her will. I was left with the family home in Richmond which is enormous and luxurious, but it’s not a manor and it certainly doesn’t ooze the rock star royalty this place does.

Walking into the back of the manor, I look around for Aston but I don’t see him anywhere. I slump my body and continue my walk to the pristine bathroom. After spending too long in there looking in the mirror and trying to tell myself that everything is fine and I have nothing to worry about, I shuffle back out into the kitchen and just as I get to the back door I spot Annie. She’s holding a bourbon bottle in her hand, her hair’s a mess and she’s obviously been crying for a sustained amount of time.

“Jesus Annie, are you okay? You look terrible?”

She scoffs and keeps walking past me and inside the house through the kitchen and out of my view. She truly looked horrible and I can only imagine that her talk with Aston didn’t go as she planned. I feel sorry for her, but I can’t stop the smile that crosses my face.

If she looks that bad, then it means he chose me!

I smile broadly as I make my way back to the gazebo with a renewed spring in my step. Aston finally told Annie it’s really over with them, I can tell by the way she looked.

He chose me, he actually chose me! I was worrying for nothing.

Walking on the grass is hard in my heels, especially with a slight buzz from all the champagne I’ve been drowning myself in, but as I take cautious steps back inside the gazebo, I see Aston at the table looking around. When he spots me, he smiles and waves. I wave back as giddy butterflies dance in my stomach. I make my way to him and he chuckles when he sees me.

“You look happy?” he says and I nod.

“Just having a good night that’s all. Are you?” I ask leaning in kissing him quickly.

He smiles and takes my hand. “I am, but I think I better take you home. It’s getting late,” he says and I frown and purse my lips.

“Take me home? Aren’t I staying at your place tonight? My house is an hour away,” I say and he smiles reassuringly and pulls me to him.

“I’d rather go to yours. It’s quieter there, we can be alone. No…parents.”

Aston’s still lives at his parent’s house, so I understand fully. I smile and nod as my heart kicks into gear at the thought that he wants to be alone, so we can finally make love again.

I wink at him and smile. “I get it, okay babe take me home. You okay to drive? Haven’t drunk too much?” I ask safety first.

“Yeah, I’ve only had two drinks,” he says and takes my hand leading me out.

I wave goodbye to Chad and Caleb, Chad waves and Caleb looks at me and waves, but his eyes droop and he frowns, looking at me longingly almost like he’s saying goodbye for the last time. It kind of freaks me out. I hope he’s okay.

“Is Caleb okay?” I ask as we walk on the sturdier ground to Aston’s car.

He raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you guys were chatting for ages and he looked so sad just now,” I say and Aston’s shoulders go taut and he inhales sharply as he opens my car door.

“He's all right, nothing to worry about,” Aston deflects.

I gnaw on my bottom lip and nod as I slide into his car. The cold texture of the leather seats sends a chill up my spine as he closes my door and walks around to his side and gets in, quickly starting the engine and pulls out of the Slade manor. The car is silent as we drive onto the M40. I move my hand over onto his on the gear stick and he turns to give me a half smile and then looks back to the road. The excitement and happiness I felt of him choosing me is slowly vanishing at his frosty demeanor and lack of conversation in the car at this moment.

Neither of us says a word as his shoulders are still tight, his breathing is sharp and shallow and it’s making me nervous. I really want to know what happened with Annie. Our relationship has always been pretty open and honest. So I decide to talk. “So, I know I probably shouldn’t ask—”

“Then don’t,” he interrupts abruptly putting me in my place so I sink back into the leather seat. He changes gears and my hand slips from his on the gear stick and instead of holding his hand again, I place it in my lap and I fiddle my thumbs. Aston’s breathing harshly his forehead is creased and his eyes are tight slits. His mouth is pinched into a tight line and I just wish I knew what he was thinking about.

“Aston, please talk to me? I know you’ve had a rough night, but I’m your girlfriend. I’m your support, let me be here to support you,” I say and he exhales and shakes his head.

“Look, I know you want to know what happened with Annie. Let’s just get you home and then we can talk about it, okay? I don’t want to discuss anything while I’m driving,” he says and my shoulders lock and my neck stiffens. Swallowing hard, I sink further down into the seat hoping it will consume me.

He turns and looks at me. “Okay?” he asks.

I nod and then turn around looking out the window to the street. Staring at the other cars, the people in them seem happy. Whereas, I’m sitting here in a car with my boyfriend, my eyes welling with tears while his ex looms thickly in the air. I’m drowning in Annie all over again, and I can’t shake the feeling that everything’s turning to shit. I keep my eyes fixated on the cars outside my window.

I can’t make myself look at Aston again for the entire hour journey to my house. The trip is long and torturously quiet. Neither of us says anything while I try desperately to hold myself together. He turns down my street and pulls into my drive. The deafening silence in the car makes every other noise so much more significant and the sound of the tires rotating against the driveway is like a train pummeling into my soul.

No words are spoken as we get out of the car. Opening the front door, I walk in and the darkness in the street is heightened by the sound of cicadas chirping in the early morning. A cool breeze wafts over my sensitive flesh making my skin break out in goose bumps and a chill runs down my spine not only from the breeze but from the icy reception Aston is giving me. I turn to face him as we walk into the hall and he switches on the light and closes the front door.

“This is ridiculous. We never go this long without talking. Something is up and you’re making me very uncomfortable Aston,” I admit and his body slumps and he leans his side against the wall and looks at the floor.

“I’m sorry, I’m a mess,” he says and my chest tightens and I exhale feeling sorry for him. Taking a step closer, I take his hands in mine and he gazes up at me as I look into his magnificent blue eyes.

“Then let me help you. Let me take away your pain. That’s my job, babe. I’m meant to help you through the tough times,” I tell him and he swallows hard while pulling his hands from mine making me furrow my brows in confusion.

“Amber…you’re amazing. You’re funny. You’re caring. You love with your whole heart unconditionally and you’re so good to me it’s not fair…” he trails off looking up at the ceiling.

My chest starts to constrict and my heart is racing, silently wishing the ceiling would cave in on us. “What’s not fair?” I hesitantly ask and he shakes his head running his hand through his hair.

“What I’ve done to you,” he says and I’m frozen to the spot and I honestly can’t move.

“What do you mean?” I ask thinking he did more with Annie than just talk.

He turns around and places his hands against the wall and leans his head on the plasterboard with a thud. I furrow my brows watching him, he looks so lost.

“You’re such a good person. I’m a fucking arsehole,” he murmurs and my bottom lip trembles. I fold my arms over my chest and hold myself for fear of falling apart.

“Aston, you’re not an arsehole. Just tell me what you did?” I whisper and he crashes his fist against the wall causing a loud bang which makes me jump on the spot.

He turns, his eyes distant and glassy as he looks at me. “I made you love me when I love someone else,” he says and the words slice through me like a Samurai sword gutting me at my very core. Hot overwhelming tears pool in my eyes and flow down my flushed cheeks. The rivulets of water almost stinging as they drag down my skin.

He didn’t choose me.

“But with time you could learn to love me?” I ask through a sob as I lean forward and take his hand in desperation.

He exhales and shakes his head. “I’m so sorry, Amber. You’re such a good person—”

“Stop telling me I’m a good person. If I’m so good then why am I not good enough?” Spittle sprays from my mouth as my blood pressure spikes. Angry tears flood hot and fast as I glare at him.

He winces and exhales. “You are good enough. It’s me. I’m not good enough for you,” he replies.

The thumping in my chest pounds so hard it’s painful as the tears don’t stop their downpour. “Bullshit, Aston. If you don’t want me, then don’t make up some lame excuses. It was Annie all along. Was I just some stepping stone, just some time waster until she wanted you back?” I spit at him.

He exhales and tries to grab my hands, but I pull away as I sob so hard, snot bubbles from my nose. “No, get away from me.”

“Amber, come here,” Aston says stepping toward me embracing me in his tight hold. I try to struggle to get away from him, but he’s too strong and he pulls me to his chest wrapping his arms around me. The minute my body is against his, I feel at home and my body relaxes into his. I cling to him and cry into his chest.

“I’m so very sorry,” he whispers as he holds me tightly. “I never wanted to hurt you. I thought you could help me get over her. But in the end I just realised I will never get over her. She’s the one for me,” he says and my chest hurts so much that while trying to get some much-needed oxygen in I’m actually physically gasping for air. I can’t believe the man I’m so deeply in love with feels for someone else the way I do about him. This is killing me, and all the grief I’ve suppressed is now hitting me full force.

“I love you so much, Aston. Did you ever love me? Can’t you try to love me back?” I murmur through my sobs as I cling to him.

He exhales as his hands run over me attempting to soothe me unsuccessfully. “I tried to love you Amber…but all my love is for Annie,” he says stabbing the knife in and twisting it.

“So you’re back together then?” I ask as I almost wretch saying the words.

He exhales and shakes his head. “I don’t know. Not right now we’re not. I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is it’s not fair for me to be with you when I’m clearly in love with her still. I thought the feelings would fade away and vanish with time. I thought I could love you. You’re perfect and I really wanted to love you, Amber,” he says.

Suddenly anger seeps in, my hands clutching at his shirt, I push his chest making him take a step back from me, his feet shuffle under him and he almost loses balance.

“You were using me,” I state. He slumps his body and steps closer to me as I take a step back.

“I didn’t think I was, but now I see maybe that’s exactly what I was doing. I’m so desperately sorry that I’ve done this to you,” he says taking another step forward. I take another step back keeping the distance and putting my hand up to stop him.

“I love you! I fucking love you with everything in me Aston. I have nothing left to give. You were it for me, do you get that?” I say an octave louder than my usual voice, the sound echoing through the hallway.

“I know, I’m so sorry I let it go this far,” he says and I scoff.

“How could you do this to me? You knew I was hurting when you met me. You pulled me from a pain-filled abyss and now you’re throwing me right back in there. Only this time it’s worse because now I have no one to drag me out again.”

He shakes his head. “That’s not true, your brother will be there for you.”

I scoff as the tears continue to sting my face. “You think my brother can save me. You’re breaking me, Aston. You’re dooming me to a life without love. I can never come back from this. How can I trust again after this? You’ve ruined me!” I yell and he steps closer, but I start to thrash my hands around to stop him from getting anywhere near me. He grabs my hands and pulls me to him as I sob so hard that my body is aching from all the heaving. He pulls my body against his and to my surprise his lips meet mine, and my world turns on its axis and spins out of control. The man I’d give up my life for is kissing me and it feels so right, but I know that this is our goodbye kiss and the thought alone is crippling me. My knees buckle from under me and crash to the cold marble floor. My body goes limp as I fall to the frigid floor sobbing and wilting away just like a flower dying under the blistering sun.

Aston rests his hand on my back and I hear him sniff as though he’s crying. But I’m curled up in a ball and I can’t bring myself to look at him.

“I’m so, so sorry, Amber. After talking with Caleb, I have to go with my heart. Annie is my heart. I hope you’ll be okay. I hate seeing you like this and knowing I’m the reason you’re this way kills me. But I know you’ll make it through the storm. You’re strong, Amber Jewel. Thank you for loving me like you have. I’ll never forget you,” he says and leans down kissing my head.

I continue to sob, curled into a ball on the cold menacing marbled floor. My sobbing is surrounding my senses until I hear his footsteps walking away from me, then the latching of the front door closing with a gentle click. I feel his presence leave before I see it. The warmth and happiness in my life departed through that door and I have nothing left to live for. Pain is an emotion I can’t stand to bare. Everything that meant something to me is gone, and now the pain of losing my mother that was masked by being with Aston is swallowing me whole. I’m drowning…I’m drowning so fast I don’t think I can surface. But most of all I want to let it suffocate me, so I can’t feel the tortuous pain anymore. The pain is too much. I need this to be over. I want this to be over…