This afternoon Brax spent time moving into the guesthouse, so I didn’t see much of him. By the time I finished changing Charli and came back out into the kitchen, he’d finished his lunch and was gone. I was a little disappointed because I wanted to spend a bit more time with him. I guess I’ll be spending a lot more time with him from now on, so I’ll get my chance to talk to my new bodyguard. The geeky guy I went to school with, who is now a muscular and very attractive man that I can’t seem to stop thinking about.

Clara kept talking about him too, saying it would be nice to have a man around the house to help open those jars that she can’t budge herself, and to change those pesky light bulbs that she can’t quite reach. She seems very excited to have Brax around, and I can’t blame her, he’s magnificent to look at.

I’m sure he’s nice as well.

As dinner time rolls around, Charli is in her highchair ready to eat and Clara is busy in the kitchen, I play on my iPad mixing up some tunes on my Cross DJ app just for fun.

“Do you want to go and let Brax know dinner is ready?” Clara asks and I smile and close down my iPad and nod.

“Sure.” I look over at Charli, who’s smiling happily in her own world.

Standing up I stride along the marbled floor, my feet cold against the gloss. Walking through the double back door out to the beautiful courtyard, the sandstone under my feet is a stark contrast to the cold marble and I scrunch my face up at the disjointed texture. Surrounding me as I continue across the garden filled with lush greenery and happily singing birdlife it fills me with a light excitement, seeing Brax is exhilarating and the birds singing their chorus all the way for me to find him is like an anthem cheering me on.

With each step, my heart races a little faster at the thought of seeing him. I try to calm my breathing because this feeling rattling around inside me is a little foreign. I felt something similar with Aston, the excitement of seeing him every time he was around, but somehow this feels different. I’m not sure what it is, but something about Brax unnerves me and excites me at the same time. I step up to the guesthouse doors and look through the sliding glass to see Brax running shirtless on the treadmill. I chew on my bottom lip as his damp chest—well what I can see of it—looks so toned and fit.

I take a steadying breath and bring my closed fist up and rap my knuckles along the glass of the sliding door. The cold in the glass radiates a chill into my hand sending a shiver down my spine, or it could be from looking at him. I’m not sure. I notice he has headphones on and even though I’m knocking, he can’t seem to hear me. So I decide to just open the door and pop my head in hoping to gain his attention. Grabbing the handle, I pull and the door creaks with the force of the weight in its tracks. The metal slides underneath grinding with the movement and I tense slightly wondering if that will make him look up at me. It doesn’t. Casually I move inside the guest house, my feet stepping from the slightly damp grass onto the light beige plush carpet, I roll my toes in the softness. I always loved the carpet in here, it reminds me of my childhood. I smile slightly at the memories and then gaze back over to Brax on the treadmill. He’s in the zone and hasn’t spotted me. Exhaling I wave my hand—still nothing.

“Shit,” I murmur to myself. “Brax,” I call out.

Still nothing.

I walk toward him and then he spots me out of the corner of his eye and his body stiffens. As I get closer, while watching his shirtless body running and glistening, his muscles ripple with his movements and I can’t help but feel a dull ache begin to form between my legs.

Holy shit he’s making me horny!

The buttons on the treadmill beep in a high pitch tone as he pushes on them, the running belt murmurs as he reduces his stride and I can’t help but watch his muscles working as he slows his pace. Eventually, it stops and the music from his headphones vaguely graces my eardrums as he pulls them from his ears and throws the buds over the handlebars of the treadmill. His breathing is slightly faster, but he seems hardly affected at all. He must be super fit. Suddenly, I feel a little embarrassed because I’m staring, so I turn away and he chuckles.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in,” he says.

“No, it’s okay. I tried calling out, but you didn’t hear me. Sorry to interrupt, but dinner’s ready.” I’m trying to look anywhere but at him.

“Okay, no worries. Let me just get a shirt on and I’ll come over.”

I nod and step forward to walk out and as I do he steps off the treadmill causing us to collide with each other. His hot flesh connects with me and I gasp at the electric sensation that flows between us again. The same electrical connection from when he got out of the van. I look up at him as he grabs my shoulders and steadies us.

“Shit sorry,” he says and smiles while taking a step back.

His smile makes my knees weak and I’m glad he’s still holding onto me. Otherwise, I’m not sure I’d be standing on my own two legs anymore.

“No, my bad. I should’ve turned, not stepped forward. Sorry, I’ll, ah…let you get dressed and meet you in the kitchen.”

He smiles again and slowly drops his hands from my shoulders. Thankfully my knees have regained some of their previous strength.

“Okay,” he replies while we continue to look at each other. A moment passes between us. We stare in silence and I notice both our breathing has increased a notch. His chest heaving slightly is making it harder for me to concentrate on anything and I feel like I’m lost in a dream-like state until he chuckles and breaks the connection. He takes three long strides, his body rippling with every movement toward the brown suede lounge suite where a towel is draped over the back and he starts to wipe his body down. I shake my head and gather my senses.

“Yeah, right. I’m gonna…yeah…okay. Well, when you…okay, yep…see you in there,” I say not making any sense at all. I turn and walk out of the guest house away from his brilliance, my feet hitting the damp grass quickly sends a shiver up my spine. As I walk briskly through the garden, back into the courtyard, my head is full of the imagery of Brax’s muscles pulling and tightening on the treadmill. I mentally slap myself in the head.

“Get a grip Amber!” I murmur to myself as I walk back through the large double doors and toward the marble benchtop.

“Brax on his way then?” Clara asks and I just nod.

“Yep, he’s getting dressed and will be in shortly.” She raises her eyebrow and smirks. “Oh no, he was dressed when I went in. I mean he had shorts on, um…he was exercising, so he had no shirt on. He wasn’t naked or anything,” I defend and Clara chuckles.

“Well, that’s a shame,” she says.

I open my eyes wide and burst out laughing as Brax walks in.

“What’s a shame?” he asks and I look at Clara as she turns bright red placing the dinner plates on the table.

“That the garlic bread burnt. It’s not edible sorry about that,” she says and looks at me with a wink. I giggle and walk over to the table and sit down in front of my dinner and try to contain my laughter further.

“Oh, that’s okay, it smells delicious though Clara. Thanks so much,” he says and walks in sitting opposite me. I can’t stop grinning about Clara thinking me, not seeing Brax naked, is a shame. That’s really tickled my funny bone. And now as I look at Brax I can’t contain my laughter. I burst out giggling and Clara chuckles as Brax watches me and raises an eyebrow.

“Do I have something on my face?”

“No, sorry, just an inside joke. I’m okay now,” I say as my laughter dies down. He smirks along with me and relaxes back into his chair.

“Well, I’m glad there’s something about me that’s amusing you.”

“You have no idea, just know it will keep me entertained for a long while,” I say and Clara giggles and walks over to the fridge. I look at Brax and smile as the muffled thud of the rubber seal makes my head turn to see Clara fetching us some drinks.

“I’m just glad it’s something funny and nothing bad, as long as it makes you laugh and keeps that beautiful smile on your face you can make fun of me all you want.”

“Thank you. You’re not half bad, you know that?” I say and he chuckles.

“I’m actually really nice, once you get to know me.”

Clara brings the cans over and the metal clinks as she places them on the table. “I’ll just give Charli her bottle and put her to bed now that she’s finished her dinner,” she tells me.

I smile and nod. “Thanks, Clara.” I lean over to Charli picking up her tiny hand and kiss it.

Clara then picks Charli up and brings her over, leaning her down to me, I kiss her head and cuddle into her.

“Night lady bug. Mummy loves you,” I say and kiss her again.

“Night Charli,” Brax says and she giggles and opens and closes her hand like she’s waving to him. He smiles wide and waves back as Clara walks off with her toward her bedroom.

“She’s adorable,” he says. I smile at him as he oozes honesty.

“She really is, she gets it from me,” I joke.

“I can see that.” His eyes tell me he’s being honest again and it sends a little thrill of excitement through me.

“So Alex Braxton, what made you join the Army?” I ask and he tenses slightly, but picks up his fork and starts to push his peas into his mash in a circular motion.

“I wanted to serve my country. I’ve always had that protector instinct and after 9/11 and what has happened in the world since then, I wanted to fight for peace. I thought it was a good cause,” he says and I furrow my brows.

“So you don’t think it’s a good cause now?”

He huffs. “I think it was a waste of time. War is war, there will never be peace. Humans are stupid and while we are the way we are, there will always be terror and there will always be bloodshed. Fighting for freedom won’t change that, nothing I do or the government does will stop humanity killing itself.”

I purse my lips. “I guess I’ve never looked at it that way. It must have been hard leaving home and going to fight?” I ask and he half laughs, but behind the laugh is the sound of pain.

“Leaving my family was hard, but at the time I thought it was the right thing to do. Living in the war zone and going through what I did…it changed me. Going to Iraq…well, you can’t un-see the things I’ve seen,” he says and his face droops slightly like he remembers something horrible.

“But you’re back now, that’s a good thing.”

He nods. “Yeah, I was honorably discharged from the Army six months ago. I went to visit my family, they live in Aberdeen now. They moved there from London a few years ago. It was great to see them again,” he says and I purse my lips wondering why he was discharged from the Army. I want to ask, but I feel like maybe that’s a question best saved for another day.

“So your family’s in Scotland? That’s cool, do you have siblings?” I ask changing the subject from war to something more uplifting.

He smiles and nods. “Yeah, a brother Derek and sister Evie, they’re younger than me and I miss them. I want to visit them for Christmas if I’m allowed a couple of days off over the holidays?”

“Oh, yeah, of course, I wouldn’t expect you to hang around here for Christmas. Plus, it gets pretty somber around here. We don’t celebrate Christmas. Not since my mother Charlotte died five years ago. Charli is named after her. Mum loved Christmas. It was her favourite day of the year, and now since Mum passed away, I can’t stand to celebrate it anymore,” I say as a knot forms in my stomach and my throat starts to close up. Talking about it is always hard, even all these years later.

“I’m sorry to hear about your mother, Amber, and I can certainly understand why you’d be against celebrating if it reminds you of her.”

I can’t help it as tears form in my eyes and I sniff as one falls down my cheek. Brax reaches his hand out across the table and takes mine in his and holds it tightly comforting me. A small gesture, though I pull my hand away, this is not the moment for us to feel connected. I’m thinking about my mum and right now I need to be in my own head space. Brax leans back knowing he’s overstepped the boundaries, but still sends me a small smile.

I’m feeling overly emotional and I can’t stop thinking about Mum and it’s making me unsettled. “I think I’m going to call it a night.” I stand up taking the porcelain plate in my hand, it feels heavy as if it weighs a ton, but that’s me projecting my emotions. I shuffle over to the sink, my feet grinding along the floor is like my heart is ripping along with it. The sound of the plate hitting the metal of the sink feels like a thunder clap rattling through my brain. I cringe and pinch the bridge of my nose trying to keep myself together.

Brax stands up with his plate and follows me. “I’m sorry if I upset you. I’ll go back to the guest house, but here’s my card, my number is on there. If anything happens during the night, call and I’ll come right up,” he says handing me the card. He smiles at me sympathetically and walks out and down toward the guesthouse with his dinner in his hands. As he walks away, I watch the curve of his back which makes me want to moan out in delight. Instead, I take a deep breath. There’s definitely more to the story of Alex Braxton, but I’m going to have to wait to find out because right now I need to crawl up in bed.

Closing the doors, I walk down to Charli’s room and peek in. Her room is dimly lit by her castle lamp which is sending pink shades cascading around her room. She’s in her white cot, with her favourite plush ladybug toy cuddled tightly to her body and she’s fast asleep. Her deep breathing noises soothe me as I sniff wiping a stray tear from my cheek. I wish Mum could have met her.

Taking a deep breath, I close Charli’s door, my feet against the marble floor feel heavy as I walk toward my bedroom, moving through my pristine white door. The click of the latch as I close the door helps me relax so now I can let my emotions engulf me. I let it all out, all the emotions I’ve been bottling up letting them flow. Having a good decent cry, I think about the fans, about Aston, and mostly about the loss of someone so special I still can’t wrap my head around it. I miss my mum.

 

***

 

The faint echoes of crying seeps into my ears as I slowly wake from a terrible night’s sleep. The crying is becoming more and more apparent as the sound of Charli comes into full focus. Quickly pulling my blanket back and stepping out onto the frigid floor, my feet tread quickly as I run to her room and open the door to her loud crying. I rush to her cot and lean in shushing her and picking her up.

“Hey lady bug, Mummy’s got you. Shh now,” I say rocking her from side to side as she continues to cry while I try to wake up. She slowly calms down and I move her over to change her nappy and put her in a cute little outfit for the day.

“There you go, all better now, hey little lady?” She nuzzles into me as I carry her into the kitchen. I’m still in my leopard print pyjamas, and as I walk in Brax is in the kitchen without a shirt but in a pair of shorts drinking coffee and talking to Clara. I open my eyes wide staring at Brax’s naked back. Now that I’m closer to him and paying more attention, I see some pretty severe scaring running down his flesh along with the some pretty impressive rippling muscles that I can’t help but notice. My breath catches at the sight.

“Good morning,” Clara says and Brax turns around and smiles.

I frown looking at his six pack and that perfect V heading down south under his shorts and I’m taken aback. He is hot. Too hot. And it’s got me feeling defensive.

“Can’t you wear a shirt?” I ask abruptly and he looks down at his naked chest and his pecs flex one at a time and he chuckles.

“Yeah, I can, but it’s early morning and I’m about to head for a couple of laps in the pool. If you don’t mind, that is?”

I look away trying to stop myself from staring at his abs for too long. Walking over I grab my anti-depressant tablet from the bench that Clara has placed out for me, and I take it with a glass of juice. Brax watches me take the pill but says nothing.

“Sure you can use the pool, but in future, please put a shirt on in the mornings. I don’t need to come out to see this and neither does Charli,” I state and place my hand over her eyes. She giggles and grabs my hand pulling it down and back up again thinking I’m playing peek-a-boo with her.

“Right, sorry Amber. I’ll remember shirts from now on,” he says picking up a green apple and it glistens as he brings it to his supple mouth and takes a bite.

“Good,” I say and walk past him as he smiles at Charli while she continues to play peek-a-boo with my hand and whoever will watch.

Brax saunters out of the kitchen to the courtyard with his shorts hanging low on his hips showing off two dimples in his lower back. It makes my breathing hitch at the sight, and I shake my head as Clara giggles to herself.

“What?” I ask pulling my hand away from Charli’s game.

“He affects you, Amber,” Clara says and I furrow my brows and shake my head.

“What? Don’t be so absurd. He does not. And even if he did, I don’t want to go there. Not with him. Not with anyone. Not after…Aston. He broke something in me and I don’t think I can date again,” I whisper his name and swallow the lump that’s formed at the thought of him. I’m happy that Aston’s happy but on his path to happiness he left me in a wake of destruction. I loved him with everything I had, and I wasn’t enough for him. I gave him everything I had and now I have nothing left to give. So I put what reserves I do have into my daughter. She’s all I need. No man will break through my walls and bring me back to that dark place again. I’m still not fully in the light and it’s been nearly two years.

“Your time will come, Amber. Don’t give up on love because of him. Yes, he broke you, but don’t let it ruin your chance at finding happiness, at finding inner peace, at closing off the seal to those demons that live within you. You need to live, Amber, and letting love in is the key to your happiness,” Clara says.

I shake my head and look at my daughter. “I’ve let love in, Clara. Charli is the love of my life, she’s all the love I need.”

“There’s room for one more in your heart, Amber, I just know it,” she says patting my shoulder sending her motherly warmth through me as I sigh and she walks away. I swallow hard and close myself off from that conversation. Thinking like that gets you hurt. I don’t want that kind of hurt again. I have to think of Charli and I can’t fall apart, I need to be here for her, so finding love is simply not an option. I’m barely holding it together as it is, so adding a man into the mix is a stupid idea. No, dating is not an option, and Alex Braxton is definitely not on my radar. Not today anyway.