Danger’s been avoiding me all week and I’ve been so stressed about it. Chad, however, has been a pillar of support just by being here as my friend. He hasn’t tried to put any moves on me. He knows I’m suffering a broken heart right now, and I respect him for giving me grieving time. I’m in my hotel room alone as Annie spends all her time in Aston’s room now, and in the haze of the last three weeks on tour and the mess with Danger, has left me feeling slightly under the weather.

I walk to the bathroom to use the toilet and as I pull down my underwear I suddenly realise I haven’t had my period all month. My body tenses and I open my eyes wide as I stand back up pulling my underwear up and looking at myself in the mirror. My heart begins to pound ferociously in my chest. I race back into the hotel room and to my pill packet noticing that the tablets are all over the place, some I’ve taken but some I haven’t. I swallow hard as I collapse onto the bed. I take a deep breath and try to control my racing heart.

What if I’m…pregnant?

I’m late for my period, and my pill-taking habits have been all over the place. I’m such an idiot. I’ve been so stressed lately that I’ve let my judgement lapse and since I started the tour, it looks like I’ve only taken maybe five or six pills.

How could I be so stupid?

My chest is heaving and I look around the room, I’m not sure what for as I stand up and start to pace the floor. We have a two-day break, which is a good thing because my nerves are wreaking havoc with me right now. I’m actually shaking as I pick up my phone and dial the only number I can think of. The phone rings and Mike the security guy answers quickly.

“Miss Ella, are you okay?” he asks and I feel the tears welling in my eyes already.

“Mike, I need a favour,” I ask with a shaky voice I don’t even recognise.

“Of course, Miss, anything for you. But are you okay? You sound upset?” he asks and I can’t hold back my tears any longer.

“No Mike, I’m freaking out—”

“Where are you? I’ll come to you right now,” he says with determination.

“No Mike, I’m okay. I need you to go to the pharmacy for me.”

“Are you sick?” he asks sounding concerned.

“No…” I pause and find the strength I need, to say what I need to say. “Mike, can you buy me a pregnancy test, please?” I ask quietly and he’s silent for a moment and then exhales down the phone.

“Sure, Miss Ella. Do you need anything else? Some chocolate maybe?” he asks and I smile and wipe the tears from my cheeks.

“Thank you, Mike, that would be great. And Mike, please hurry.”

“Yes, Miss Ella, I’ll go right now and bring it to your hotel room. Don’t worry, Miss Ella, I will tell no one,” he says and that’s exactly why I love Mike.

“Thank you, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I’ll be back soon. Try not to worry. Bye, Miss Ella,” he says and hangs up the phone.

I exhale and walk back over to my bed and slump down onto it. I bring the pillow up over my face and scream into it letting all my pent up frustration out. I roll over onto my back and my hand instantly makes its way to my stomach. I look down and exhale trying to think of what the hell I’m going to do if I am pregnant.

I’m eighteen, in a nonexistent relationship, and the daughter of a rock star. This will make fantastic headline news. ‘Breaking news – Rock star’s daughter knocked up by the bad boy of rock on the Daily News at Six.’

Dad is going to be so angry, and Danger…I can’t even imagine what he’s going to think. Hell, I don’t even know what I think. I’m too young to be a mum. I want to be a mother, yes, but not right now. I want to be in my band and be a successful musician for a few years before I settle down and have a family. This is too much. I roll on my side and bring my knees up to my chest wrapping my arms around them and start to cry. And I mean, really cry. I can’t believe I could be so stupid. I don’t know how long I stay curled up on the bed before I hear a knock on my door. My entire body is shaking and I feel so nauseous that I might actually be physically sick. I stand from the bed on unsteady feet and walk to the door opening it to see Mike standing there. I exhale and pull the door further across to let him in.

“Miss Ella, I told you not to worry. You’ve been crying,” he says walking inside and closing the door behind him.

“I know, but it’s hard not to worry when you don’t know for sure,” I say and he puts the bag on the table, and for the first time he walks across to me and pulls me to him embracing me tightly. I collapse into his strong arms and hug him back.

“Miss Ella, does anyone else know?” he asks.

I shake my head against his chest. “No, just you,” I say starting to cry again.

“Okay, would you like me to stay while you take the test?” he asks and I tense up.

“No, I think I have to do this on my own. But thank you, Mike, for offering. Thank you for everything,” I say and he lets me go and holds me at arm’s length.

“Whatever happens, Miss Ella, I just want you to be happy,” he says and leans over opening the bag and pulling out a small teddy bear and handing it to me.

I smile and cuddle into it. “Thank you.”

“And there’s enough chocolate in there to give you diabetes,” he says making me smile.

“You really are amazing,” I say and he tilts his head.

“You remind me of my sister, so I just want to look after you. If you need me at all you have my number,” he says and I nod as we walk to the door.

“Thanks again Mike, I’d be lost without you,” I say and he turns back and smiles.

“It’s my pleasure, Miss Ella. Good luck. I hope you get the result you want,” he says patting my shoulder then opening the door and walking away. The door closes behind him with a thud and I look down at my teddy bear and exhale.

“Crap, now I have to actually do this,” I say to myself as I turn and walk back into the room.

I grab the test from the bag and place the bear on the table. Walking into the bathroom, I stop by the toilet and just stare at myself in the mirror. Gnawing at my bottom lip I tear open the packet, it feels like a red hot fireball burning my skin. I look down and read the instructions taking out the stick and unwrapping it. Pulling off the cap, I take the test and then place it on the basin as my heart races so damn fast I can feel the bile in my throat.

I wish Danger were here taking the test with me.

If I am pregnant, this affects him just as much as it does me, but he’s away. We’re in Phoenix, Arizona, and he’s popped over to California for his sister’s wedding. Not that it matters anyway, we’re not talking much these days, so I doubt he’d want to be here for this anyway. I pace the bathroom anxiously waiting for the line to come up on the test. I’m shitting myself and I have no idea what to do. I’m nervously waiting and checking every few seconds. When I check again, I can faintly see a second line coming up.

“Shit,” I say to myself and put the test back down and continue to pace the bathroom hoping that if I leave it for a little while longer that the extra line will disappear. My heart is hammering and tears are pricking my eyes as I breathe harshly through my nose. I pick up the test again and the second pink line is clearly visible now.

“Fuck, shit, fuck…fuck. Oh. My. God,” I stammer as I stare at the test confirming that I am indeed pregnant. My heart sinks and I start to hyperventilate. My knees buckle and I fall to the floor of the bathroom and the cold tiles on my bare legs feels like heaven on my boiling hot flesh. I lean against the vanity as I breathe harshly bringing my knees up to my chest and rock back and forth on the floor. My tears descend hard and fast as I fall apart and my world crashes around me.

I’m pregnant.

To Danger!

He doesn’t want me.

I’m going to be a single mother at eighteen, and my life is now completely ruined. The band is destroyed and everyone is going to hate me.

I hate me!

I spend an obscene amount of time on the bathroom floor trying to pull myself together. I need to figure this out. I need someone to talk to and Danger is away, so I can’t speak with him. I’m stressing out majorly.

I can’t do this.

What about Mum and Dad?

They’re going to be so disappointed in me. I somehow pick myself up and walk into the bedroom wiping my eyes and grabbing some chocolate, because my sugar levels have depleted and I feel utterly weak. I put a piece of chocolate in my mouth as I decide what I’m going to do next. I can’t spend tonight alone. I need to tell someone. I want to talk to Mum, but I don’t think I can handle her disappointment right now. I need comfort and there’s one person who can always comfort me no matter what.

Chad. 

So I pick up my phone and text him because I figure if I call I might break down.

 

Me: Hey come to my room and watch movies with me? I’m bored…

 

I hit send and take a deep breath hoping like hell he says yes. My phone beeps not long after.

 

Chad: Sure, I’m bored as hell anyway, I’m on my way down now.

 

I smile and breathe a sigh of relief. I walk back to the bathroom and check my complexion. I’m blotchy, so I quickly apply some makeup to cover the stains from crying. The knock on my door comes soon after. Walking out of the bathroom, I move to the door and open it faking a smile.

Chad’s face lights up when he sees me. “I brought beer,” he says and we walk inside the room.

“I’m a girl, I don’t drink beer. Plus, I wouldn’t even if I did,” I say.

“Why? It’s not like you’re pregnant or anything?” he jokes and I can’t hold back as I start to cry.

Chad looks terrified and steps to me as I rest my hand on my stomach. “Ella, are you pregnant?” he asks and I slump on the bed and simply nod.

Chad drops the beers to the ground in shock and starts to breathe heavily. “Shit,” he says “Does Danger know?”

I shake my head. “No, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be a mum, not yet anyway, and Danger, well he’s going to flip,” I say.

“Fuck Ella, when did you find out?” he asks racing over and wrapping his arm around my shoulders in comfort.

“About an hour ago, I think, I’m not sure I’ve lost track of time,” I murmur.

“You found out on your own. Why isn’t Annie or your Mum here?” he asks and I shake my head.

“No, they don’t need to know. Mum will be so disappointed, and Annie’s in her own world. You’re the only one who knows,” I say and he leans in kissing my head.

“Do you know how far along you are?” he asks and I shake my head.

“I guess anywhere up to three weeks,” I say and he nods.

“Wow, are you okay? Like do you feel okay?” he asks and I shake my head.

“No, I feel weird. My stomach is all tight and upset and I feel sick. I just feel terrible, and I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

“Well, I’ll be there if you need me to be. I’ll be your rock, Ella,” he says and holds me tight.

“I know this is weird, but can you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone,” I say and he exhales.

“Of course, I wasn’t going to leave you not after this. I’m not going anywhere tonight, Ella,” he says and I cuddle into him.

“When are you going to tell your parents?” he asks and I tense up.

“Never,” I say and he chuckles.

“I think when you’re fat and about to give birth they might notice,” he says and I start to cry again. “Shit sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“No, it’s not you, it’s just I have to give birth, Chad. That’s as scary as fuck.”

“Yeah,” he says holding me tighter. “Okay, well how about you get into your pyjamas and slide into bed and we put on a movie and try to forget about it for a while?”

“Okay…” I stand up walking over to my luggage to pull out a fresh set of pyjamas and walk to the bathroom to change and my tummy is so unsettled it’s almost painful, but I put it down to stress and the anxiety of my current situation. I get changed and make my way back out to Chad, who’s taken off his top and pants and is lying on the bed in his boxers. I swallow hard looking at him trying not to let his gorgeous manliness get to me right now. He pats the bed and opens his arms and I climb in next to him and cuddle into his side. He pulls the blanket over us and his warmth sends a calmness through me. I rest my head on his chest as he uses the remote to search for a movie.

“Any particular movie you want to rent?”

“You pick,” I say.

“Cool,” he says then leans kisses my head.

Being here in bed cuddled up next to Chad feels normal. Even though I’m pregnant to another man, this feels like home like where my life should be.

 

***

 

Waking suddenly to a cramp in my tummy, I sit up on the bed. I was still cuddled into Chad and the lights are off and so is the television. Another cramp hits me hard. Grabbing my stomach, I moan slightly waking Chad as I feel something warm between my legs.

“You okay?” Chad asks.

“Can you turn on the light, please?” I ask and Chad flicks on the side light.

I pull back the covers and notice blood stains on my pyjama bottoms between my legs.

“Shit Ella,” Chad says as my heart leaps into my throat.

“Chad…” I murmur.

“It’s okay, I’ll get help,” he says rushing out of the bed and over to his pants. He pulls out his phone and dials. I start to breathe heavy while my heart races. My stomach cramps again and I moan as pain grips me hard. Chad’s talking with someone and putting on his clothes at the same time. I zone out as I’m lost in the discomfort of my tummy cramps.

“Okay, I rang the medic and they said to take you straight to the hospital,” Chad says and I tense up.

“Is it the baby?” I ask and he nods.

I slide out of the bed with his help. “Want me to get your mum?”

“No. Please, I just need you,” I say and he nods and wraps his arm around me and dials another number on his phone.

“Mike, yeah, I need a car to take Ella to the hospital…Yes, I’ll meet you in the foyer,” Chad says and hangs up the phone as he walks me to the door and another cramp hits. I bend over in pain and Chad winces.

“Fuck!” He bends down lifting me cradling me to his chest. “I got you,” he says.

I open the door for him and he walks me to the elevator. Pushing the button, he continues to hold and looks at me like he’s beyond concerned.

“Are you in a lot of pain?” he asks and I exhale.

“It’s not too bad, more uncomfortable,” I say and he nods as the elevator opens.

We arrive at the foyer and Mike is waiting with a car. They drive us to the nearest hospital and into the emergency ward, all the while my heart is racing and I’m sweating a cold sweat. I’m even shivering as the bleeding intensifies.

“Chad, what if the baby is sick?” I ask as the nurse places me on a gurney.

“It’ll be okay, Ella, just relax,” he says stroking my hair.

The nurses in the emergency ward rush around asking lots of questions. I’m dazed and confused and all I can really tell them is I’m pregnant and I don’t know anything more than that. Chad and Mike are with me the whole time while they carry out more testing. Eventually, a doctor comes in and Chad is holding my hand while the doctor talks to me. I don’t really understand anything he’s saying until Chad tightens his hand in mine.

“I’m sorry, Ella, you had a miscarriage,” he says and I definitely understand those words.

I inhale sharply and my heart lurches into my throat. My eyes fill with tears and my stomach churns. “I lost the baby?” I ask ensuring I heard correctly.

The doctor nods. “I’m sorry, yes. We need to take you into surgery for a dilation and curettage, I’m afraid,” he says and I freeze over and swallow hard.

“But I’m only about three weeks pregnant, the baby would only be small wouldn’t it just come out on its own?” I ask and the doctor shakes his head.

“I’m afraid you’re further along than you think. The fetus measured at approximately seven to eight weeks,” he replies.

That puts it back to the time when Danger was in London before the tour even started. I’ve been pregnant for nearly two months and I’ve been drinking and eating poorly.

This baby didn’t stand a chance.

I begin to cry as Chad holds my hand tighter.

“I’m sorry, Ella, we’ll take you in for your D&C soon,” the doctor tells me and walks away.

I look at Chad and shake my head as he wipes away the tears from under my eyes.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up,” he says.

“This baby, I killed it. I drank. I ate bad. It never had a chance, Chad,” I say.

“Stop that, you didn’t know. You didn’t kill it, Ella. Don’t you dare blame yourself for this? It was just a horrible thing that’s happened, and it’s not your fault,” he says leaning down and kissing my forehead. “Okay, would you like me to call Annie or your parents?”

“No way, I don’t want anyone to know,” I say and he raises an eyebrow.

“What? At all?”

“They’d be so disappointed in me and I couldn’t stand that. Chad this has to be our secret, okay?” I ask and he exhales and squeezes his eyebrows tightly together.

“Ella, I really think your mum should at least know.”

“No Chad. Please, just us,” I say and he exhales and nods.

“Okay…” he says trailing off.

“We’ll take you in now, Ella,” the nurse says and I tense up as fear creeps over me.

“You’ll be here when I get back, right?” I ask Chad.

He nods and smiles. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else, barbecue sauce,” he says making me giggle.