I prepare Charli in her highchair and reach for my breakfast from the counter, then sit down at the table thinking about what I’m doing for the day. I really want to get back into singing, I miss it and want the band to get back into gear and start playing again. Hearing the front door click, I know it’s either Mason or Hunter. They’re the only other people with keys who freely let themselves in. I look back at the entrance and Hunter walks in eating a Danish.

“Morning, my beautiful girls,” he says with his mouth half full.

“Morning,” I reply as he comes in and kisses Charli on her head. She giggles as he sits down next to me. “What are you doing here so early?”

“Well, I’ve managed to get the band some small gigs touring around Great Britain,” he tells me and I jump in my seat and squeal making Charli giggle again.

“Oh my God, really?” I look at him and he smiles and nods.

“Yep, nothing fancy like stadiums, or anything like the tours we’ve done in the past. But we’re working our way up again, Amber,” he says and I lean in and hug him.

“I’m so excited! I can’t wait to start, when do we leave?” Hunter chuckles as I pull back and he furrows his eyebrows like I’m not going to like the answer.

“Tonight,” he says hesitantly and I jump in my seat again feeling elation.

“Yes! Oh man, I’ve needed this. I need to be back on stage. I’m going crazy.”

He chuckles and shakes his head. “I thought you’d be upset like you’d want time to prepare. I know how much you hate change.”

“But this is a good change, this is the type of change I want!” I clap my hands together. I’m so excited. I love being on tour. Red Velvet isn't big like Aston’s band Staked, but I hope with a bit of touring and some hard work we will make it just like Staked has.

“Well, I’m glad. Mase and the boys should be here soon. I told them to come over so I could tell you all together what will be going on,” he says.

I hear the front door click again, and three male voices all arguing over something coming down the hall like a herd of elephants.

“Sounds like they’re here now,” I say.

Charli throws her hands in the air and starts calling out Dada. She knows Mason’s voice.

The three men walk into the kitchen as they continue arguing. I smile at Hunter as he shakes his head. Mase walks in carrying a magazine and is holding it open to the centerfold. I instantly roll my eyes.

“No way mate they’re real. Look they’re a little bit saggy there’s no way they’re fake,” Cooper says. I look at his tussled unruly black hair waving off in all directions, I can’t help but laugh. His jaw is covered in an afternoon shadow and his darker features showing how handsome he is. He always reminds me of an Arabian Prince. But a more rock and roll version.

“No way, you’re out of your mind. There’s no way a woman that small can have tits that size and they not be fake. It’s just not possible,” Jayce says grabbing the magazine off Mase and bringing it closer to his boy-next-door face to get a closer look. Jayce is equally as good looking as Cooper just in an entirely different way. Cooper is rugged and has that unkempt look whereas Jayce has that boy band goody-two-shoes look about him, with his spiky black hair and piercing blue eyes. He looks like he walked straight out of a GQ magazine. But don’t let the good boy image fool you, Jayce is a party boy through and through.

I laugh at their stupid argument as Mase strides away from the two idiots and over to his daughter who’s openly reaching for him. He pulls her out of her highchair and kisses her cheek.

“Morning sunshine, how did you sleep? Were you a good girl for Mummy?”

“She was excellent. Woke up crying, but other than that she slept through,” I say and he frowns as she plays with his slight beard that he has.

“Why was she crying? Is she sick?” he asks feeling her forehead.

“No, just a dirty nappy I think. She was fine once I changed her,” I say and he nods and kisses her again while pulling up a seat next to Hunter.

Jayce turns his lip up as he looks at Charli, his displeasure for children I find funny. He and Cooper have now also taken seats on the opposite side of the large table as they continue to argue over the fake tits. The kitchen back doors open and Brax saunters in shirtless again drying his hair with a towel. Jayce and Cooper stop arguing and look over to the new man and notice his half-nakedness. Both their heads, in unison, snap back toward me and they’re smirking relentlessly.

I open my eyes wide understanding the conclusion they’re drawing and I put my hands up in the air in self-defense and shake my head. “No way, stop what you’re thinking, you two. He’s the bodyguard and it’s not like that.”

Jayce chuckles as Cooper nods and smirks.

“Ah-huh,” Jayce says.

“Sure thing,” Cooper taunts as Brax looks at me and I can’t help but smile at him as he pulls a shirt over his broad chest. I try to hide my pout as he covers up his washboard abs, I was enjoying the view.

“Hey, I’m Alex, but everyone calls me Brax,” he introduces himself as he takes four long strides toward us and stands at the edge of the table placing his hand out at Cooper and Jayce for them to shake.

“Hey man,” Jayce says shaking his hand.

“Yeah hi, it’s nice to meet you. I’m sure you’ve been getting really friendly with our girl Amber over here,” Cooper says taking his turn shaking Brax’s hand and grinning wildly. I open my eyes wide as Mason huffs.

Brax chuckles and glances at me as I sink into my leather lined, plush, comfortable seat wishing it would swallow me whole. “Well, Amber is lovely, but we hardly know each other. Hopefully, I can get acquainted with her a little better as time goes on,” Brax says and my heart skips a beat and butterflies dance around in my tummy at the thought.

Hunter’s eyes squint and his nostrils flare. “Not too acquainted, though…Now, I have some news that will affect all of you. I’ve lined up a tour playing at random pubs and clubs around the UK. We need to get Red Velvet back out there, and I think this is an excellent way to start. So guys, are you ready to start touring again?”

A loud eruption of excitement wails from Cooper and Jayce as they both high five each other.

“Fuck yeah,” Cooper says making me laugh.

“Man, I’ve been waiting to get out on tour again for so long. This is going to rock,” Jayce says and Hunter nods.

“Mase?” Hunter asks and he looks down at Charli in his arms and cuddles into her. “What about Charli?”

I smile. I love that she’s his first priority. “She will come with us, of course. Clara will come too, to watch over her while we’re on stage,” I say and he chews on his bottom lip.

“Is a tour bus really a good place for a one-year-old?”

“Well, it’s not like it’s going to be a party bus, is it Mase? And anyway, we’re going to spend most of our time in hotel rooms,” Hunter states and I nod.

Mase exhales and tilts his head. “Okay, but only if Clara comes. I don’t want anyone else looking after Charli,” he says and I smile.

“Mase, no one else will be looking after Charli. There’s only Clara. If she can’t come then the tour is off,” I say and he nods and looks satisfied with my answer.

“Dude, when did you become such a softy?” Cooper asks and Jayce chuckles.

Mase throws a napkin at Cooper. “Wait till you have your own little ray of sunshine, then try and tell me I’m being soft arsehole,” Mase teases.

I chuckle as Hunter shakes his head and Brax takes a seat at the head of the table.

“So, do I come on the tour bus with you then?” Brax asks and Hunter nods.

“Yep, you’ll go everywhere Amber does. On tour you’ll need to be her five o’clock shadow. The chances of Aston’s fans being near her are far greater, so you’ll have to be on guard at all times. When she’s on stage, I want you at the front right by her. So if anyone in the crowd is getting too out of control you can reach up, grab Amber and get her the hell out of there,” Hunter says and I tense up slightly.

I hadn’t thought that going on tour meant dealing with his fans too.

“Yeah, okay, sounds good to me. When does this tour start?” Brax asks and the other guys look at Hunter wanting to know the same thing.

I smile because I already know the answer and I predict they’ll be as happy as I am when they hear his reply.

“Tonight. First concert is in Manchester,” Hunter says. The wood grain of the chair leg squeals against the marble floor as Cooper and Jayce jump from their seats throwing their hands in the air as they cheer. I laugh as Mase smiles.

“Right, I’ll go pack and make sure I have everything in order then,” Brax says standing up and turning around. I can’t help but look down at his tight arse in his board shorts as he walks away. My mouth opens slightly as my breathing hitches. Cooper reaches across the table and slaps my arm gaining my attention. The sting reverberating through my skin.

“Stop ogling your bodyguard,” he says and I scoff.

“Was not,” I defend.

“Better bloody not be,” Hunter says and throws his screwed up paper bag from his Danish at me.

I laugh it off like he’s being stupid and roll my eyes. “He’s my bodyguard, that’s all,” I reply and the guys all nod. Except for Mason, who purses his lips and looks at me with his perfect grumpy look that he has down pat.

“Well, that better be all Amber. Now that you know what’s going on, I suggest you all fuck off home so you can pack. We’ll meet back here at three so we can get on the bus and head to Manchester for the gig. We’ll drive the three and half hours there, check into the hotel, have a quick bite for dinner and then head to the venue and set up, ready to be on stage at nine,” Hunter tells us.

I smile and look over to Mase holding onto Charli and cuddling into her.

“Great. I can’t wait for the after-gig parties. Man, this is going to rock,” Jayce says and I roll my eyes.

“Just remember there’s a baby on tour, okay? So nothing stupid like getting arrested or anything too wild okay, boys? I know you’re all young, dumb, and full of come, but have a bit of sense about it all,” I say and Mase laughs looking directly at Jayce.

“Hey, why are you looking at me?” Jayce asks.

“Because you’re the idiot that would get us into trouble,” Mason replies and Cooper laughs and slaps Jayce on the back of the head, the thump resonating throughout the room.

“Yeah, it’s always the good looking boy that causes all the trouble,” Cooper says and Jayce rubs his head and starts to walk out of the kitchen.

“Fuck this, I’m out of here. You guys all suck. See you at three,” he says.

“Hey, fuck-knuckle I came here with you. Wait for me,” Cooper calls out and chases after Jayce as his footsteps echo down the hall toward the front door until I hear the bang of the door shut. I look at Mase and shake my head.

“This should be fun,” I say sarcastically and he chuckles.

“With those two idiots? I think this will be crazy.” He leans in kissing Charli on the head as she continues to play with his beard. “Talk to Clara, make sure she can come.”

“Of course, but don’t worry I know she will. She’d miss us too much otherwise.” He smiles and hands Charli to me.

“I’ll see you at three.” Leaning in he kisses my cheek and I smile as he turns walking out of the kitchen and down the hall. The front door is closed much quieter this time. I bounce Charli on my knee as Hunter looks at me and frowns.

“What?” I ask and he exhales.

“Do you have a thing for Brax?” he asks and I tense, screwing up my face.

“What?”

He looks at me his eyes squinting in tight lines and his lips pursed. “Do you?” he reaffirms.

“No, of course not. Don’t be stupid, Hunter. The boys are just stirring shit up. Don’t make something out of nothing,” I tell him looking away. He can always tell when I’m lying, and I don’t want him to notice that perhaps that’s exactly what I’m doing right now.

“Good, because as much as he’s a brilliant bodyguard and protector, as a boyfriend that’s something I do not want for you, Amber. Okay?” I nod and cuddle into Charli not pressing the issue as to why. I figure it’s because they’re friends and it would be weird for him. “Right, I’m off. I need to pack and get the bus ready. I’ll see you at three. Make sure you, Clara, and Brax are ready to go. We need to leave no later than three-fifteen,” he says and I smile and nod. Hunter, ever the organizer.

“Okay, thanks for this Hunter. I need to be back on stage. I need to be singing again.”

“I know, I just hope you can handle everything that comes along with it,” he says and I tense up slightly. “Love you.” He stands up and each step out of the kitchen is thunderous leaving me reeling and thinking about all the things that come with performing, all the added stressors and all the anxiety that comes with it. Am I really ready for this? Can I really cope with this? Feeling my heart beating faster and my breathing increase, I snuggle into Charli letting her smell settle my rising anxiety like only Charli can do.

 

***

 

The street outside of the pub is scattered with litter and the walls are covered in graffiti as I take a breath of air outside of the green room. I’m so glad I left Charli at the hotel in the city with Clara because this part of town is not a place for me, let alone a one-year-old. I don’t know what Hunter was thinking when he booked us here. Brax is standing by the door watching me as I just breathe the night air into my lungs. It tickles all the way down and the coolness of it is refreshing and inviting. The smell of alcohol and weed permeates the pub, and to be honest, I felt a little claustrophobic in there.

I figure I’ve had long enough out here and it’s probably getting close to the time to go on. I walk back to the peeling red door where Brax is standing and he smiles at me as I get closer to him.

“Did it help clear your head?” he asks.

“What makes you think I needed to clear my head?” I ask and he tilts his head to the side.

“You just look a little stressed, or overwhelmed, I’m not sure which one,” he answers and I half laugh.

“Overwhelmed, I think. I hate the look of this place.”

He chuckles. “It is a dive, I must admit.” I giggle. “But you better get back inside, I know Hunter was looking for you.”

“Thanks,” I say and he nods holding the door open for me. I walk past him and my shoulder grazes his chest and that familiar spark shoots through me making my breathing hitch a notch. I swallow hard and try to steady myself as he walks in behind me.

“Amber, there you are. C’mon, get on stage,” Hunter says waving at me frantically.

“Okay, okay, hold your horses.”

Brax walks right next to me, so close I can feel the electrical charge pulsing between us ready to spark the moment we touch. I rush out into the small pub and I gaze out over the crowd and they all seem to be mostly drunk already. People are swaying and shouting and falling over themselves. The audience is a mess. These are the type to cause trouble and we haven’t even started playing yet. God knows what they’ll be like when the music is on?

My insides are quivering with not only excitement at singing again, but also wavering with nerves. With the look of the crowd, my anxiety is kicking in, and thoughts of fans attacking are high in my thought processes right now. I swallow hard as I walk up the tattered rickety stairs onto the stage and up the back to my bag pulling out my anti-anxiety medication. I tap the bottle and a pill falls into my hand, so I swallow it down.

I look up and notice Mason looking right at me watching me, but he doesn’t say anything. He knows I have the anxiety meds, so he understands why I need them. Nervously, my feet shuffle to the front of the stage, grazing along the black floor keeping me grounded. Brax is standing right at the front down below, and I feel a little calmer knowing he’s there to protect me. I look back at Cooper as Mason takes his guitar and strides up to the front to my right, and Jayce with his bass comes up to my left. Cooper sits behind the drum kit and kicks the bass drum a couple of times letting me know he’s ready to start.

I step up to the microphone and tap it checking to see it’s turned on and it squeals with a reverb making me jolt in shock. The audience boos and a woman throws an empty water bottle at me and it hits me right on my arm. I jump back and it plummets to the stage, watching as it bounces on the floor back and forth erratically like my beating heart is doing right now. Brax moves toward the woman as I stand in shock. He grabs her and escorts her out of the pub, and I feel better knowing she won’t be here to throw anything else at me.

Great, off to a fabulous start.

“Are you okay?” Mase asks and I simply nod as I breathe heavier. The crowd all stare at me. I’m trying to keep myself together as anxiety is beginning to creep up on me. My heart is hammering and my head is starting to pound. I take a deep breath as the crowd begins to yell and demand for us to start. I nod at Cooper knowing once I start performing I’ll be fine. Grabbing the microphone, I begin to talk.

“Hi everyone. We’re Red Velvet, and we hope you have a fan-fucking-tastic time tonight,” I say putting on my brave and cocky attitude.

Brax reappears right in front of me at the front of the stage and I feel better. So I signal to Cooper and he kicks the bass drum and Mason starts slamming on his guitar. The energy pulses through me and the endorphins kick in. My heart pounds to the beat of the song and the music floods my veins. I grab the microphone and start to sing letting all my emotion flow into the metal for the first time in a long while. I love this and feel at home on stage. The crowd move up and down in waves along with the harmony of the song, it’s like they’re putting on a performance for us as they mosh on the dance floor.

This is what I live for—the emotion, the music, the love from the crowd. I love basking in the glow of performing, and being alive and one with the melody is something that reverbs through my soul and makes me feel more alive than I ever have in my life. This is what I’m meant to do, for the rest of my life. This is what I was born for, and as I rock out on a tiny stage to a small crowd, my heart is large with excitement and filled with adrenalin.

This is it. This is nirvana, and in this paradise is where I want to stay.