I get out of the taxi and run up to Kenzi’s door and bang on it loudly. I don’t call out because if Indi is here and she hears me she might run. I bang again and I hear footsteps coming toward the door.

“All right, all right I’m coming, sheesh,” I hear Kenzi say and then she opens the door. Her eyes widen when she sees me and I barge past her.

“Where is she? Indi?” I call out and Kenzi shuts the front door and huffs.

“Come on in, why don’t you,” she says sarcastically.

“Indi,” I call out as I race through Kenzi’s house frantically searching each room, but there’s no sign of her anywhere.

“She’s not here, Caleb,” she calls out.

“Then where is she?” Racing back out to the lounge room where she’s standing with her arms crossed over her chest, I come to a halt in front of her.

“She moved into a house with another girl from work. Indi didn’t want to shift in here because she knew this would be the first place you would look for her.”

I grab her by the shoulders and she looks down at my hands and back up to me. “Where is she, Kenzi? I need to tell her what happened.”

“Caleb, I know you love her, and I know she loves you. That is painfully apparent. But you two together? You keep breaking her heart, man. You need to let her go because she can’t keep living in a world where you continually disappoint her.”

I drop my hands from her shoulders and turn away scoffing in frustration. “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Don’t I? I know that ever since you came back into her life she’s had more disappointments and desolation than I’ve seen since I met her. She’s a mess because of you. You only bring her pain, anguish, and heartbreak, and if you love her like you think you do then you need to let her live her life free of you and your drama. Your life is so different to hers, Caleb. She is a simple girl. She needs a simple life. Not a rock star, paparazzi, drama, groupie, crazy fan girl, filled life. She needs to find someone who’s relaxed and calm. A normal man. You’re far from normal, Caleb, and if you love her, you have to see that she’s better off having a normal life. A normal life that no matter how hard you try you can’t give her.”

My chest tightens and my stomach churns because deep down I know she’s right. I can’t give her a normal life. I can’t promise her a life without crazy fans and paparazzi. I can provide for her yes, but normality I can’t.

“Shit,” I murmur and she leans out grabbing my shoulder and squeezing it tenderly.

“Look, I know that the love you guys share is a once in a lifetime thing. But sometimes love just isn’t enough.”

Exhaling, I swallow the lump that’s formed in my throat and I sniff back trying to stop the emotion forming.

Kenzi is right. Maybe Indi would be better off without me?

I’ve only ever brought her pain and misery. As much as it pains me to think of my life without her, maybe me living a life of unhappiness without her so she can have a happy life away from me, is something I need to do. I just don’t know if I can give up completely. I didn’t for the six years we were apart, so now even though I will stop looking for her I will keep calling her like I used to, and maybe one day she will answer my call. Maybe one day she will forgive me and I will see her again. I love her enough to let her go to ensure she lives a happy life and Kenzi is right, maybe that is without me.

I look at Kenzi and she’s watching carefully and assessing me. I think she can see the shift inside me at the same time I feel it.

I have to let Indi go.

“You’re doing the right thing, Caleb.”

I swallow hard and shake my head running my hand through my hair.

“Then why do I feel utterly dead and desolate inside?” I ask and she half-smiles and pulls me in for a hug.

“Because letting go is the hardest fall of them all.”

I exhale and clear my throat from the lump that has formed. “Just promise me one thing,” I ask and she pulls back and looks at me raising an eyebrow.

“What’s that,” she asks.

“If she finds another guy, make sure he’s good to her. Make sure she’s happy. That’s all I w…want,” I struggle to say the last word as my emotions are getting the better of me.

“I will. I’ll look after her, Caleb. And don’t be hard on yourself. You need to find love again too. Be happy, find peace, okay?”

I scoff and shake my head. “There’s no one after Indi, Kenzi. But I’ll try and find my place. It’ll just take some time.”

“I wish you well, Caleb, I really do,” she says and walks with me to the front door.

I feel heavy and every step I take makes me feel like I’m dying a little more inside. I don’t know how I’ll cope without her in my life, for the rest of my life. But I need Indi to be happy. I need her to be free. I need her to live her life the way she wanted to, being a nurse and carefree. With me in it there was and always will be something to worry about. Now she has nothing to worry about and life can return to normal for her. I need for her to feel normal. I need to let her go and it’s the hardest thing I’m ever going to have to do. I can’t stand the thought of her thinking that I was screwing Sasha. I hope she didn’t think that I did, especially with the stupid bitch turning up at the hotel and Indi hearing Sasha on the phone, especially with what Sasha said. I wish I could tell her that we never had sex in the first place and that it was all a setup. Sasha is completely insane. I wish I could tell her that everything was one big mess and all of it was for nothing, but I can’t. She won’t answer my calls and even if I tell Kenzi to tell her, I know she won’t, so there’s no point in explaining it to her.

“Just tell her I want her to be happy. Can you do that?”

“I can do that,” she says and opens the front door.

I walk out of her house and onto the front step and look back at Kenzi.

“Seriously, take care of her. I love her so much. I just need to know someone is watching over her.”

“I know, and I will. I promise, Caleb,” she replies.

I exhale, nod and turn to start the long walk home. I can’t be bothered calling a taxi, I need to clear my head, and walking will help. As I hear the door click shut I feel like I’ve just closed the door on a part of my life that I will never get back.

Indi is the love of my life and to let her be happy, I’m letting her go.

 

Indi

 

I’ve moved in with Ingrid from work into a much larger house, which is nice. It’s not far from my old place which is great, but far enough away so if Caleb was desperate enough to go door knocking he wouldn’t have found me. I also moved departments at work across into the orthopedics’ ward, so if he came to the emergency department, he also wouldn’t find me. Kenzi said he never came in, which surprised me a little. But she did say he came to her house looking for me and that they had a chat. She didn’t say what about, but his constant phone calls decreased to one a day instead of ten, and I feel like maybe she said something to make him give up. Which, of course, is what I want, but it still makes me feel sad at the same time.

Losing Caleb was a pain I’d felt before, but this time it was inconceivably worse. The betrayal was harsh and I struggled with it for weeks. I took flight straight away and moved as quickly as I could. He knew the rules and he broke them. Not only having a happy snap with her but then having her in his hotel room was a deal breaker for me. He might have had an excuse, but I didn’t want to hear it. Hearing her on the phone saying, “Caleb come back to bed,” even though I know he wasn’t sleeping with her was enough to make me feel physically sick. I know he wouldn’t cheat on me, but the fact that he was still in her company knowing she would say things like that to upset me was unforgivable.

It’s February. Three months later and the pain of being without him hasn’t lessened at all. It doesn’t help that I follow his every move on the Internet. The band isn’t doing much right now, but Caleb seems sad in all his photographs and so does Annie. Watching them both makes my heart ache. I don’t know why I torture myself, but for some reason I do. I can’t help it. I feel like even though I’m kidding myself and trying to move on and have a life without Caleb, he keeps creeping his way back in. Whenever I tell myself I won’t Google him and take a week without searching for him, I have a weak day and then I’ll waste my entire day off searching for images of him. I never see him with a woman, which always makes me happy. I haven’t seen any pictures of him with Sasha, which is a good thing because seeing her would tip me over the edge. I’m sitting on that edge most days now and anything could tip me over. I’m barely holding it together and I’m really only functioning because I have to.

I even started dating someone to try and rid myself of Caleb. He’s such a great guy. I met him at a coffee shop where he works. He served me and made me feel great for once. He saw how miserable I was and cheered me up and I was grateful for that. So I thought I would give him a shot, that plus Kenzi said I really needed to get out of the slump I was in. I went on a date and we’ve been together officially for a month. Having sex with him was so hard the first time. I felt like I was cheating on Caleb and I went to the bathroom and cried while he slept. I never felt so low in my life. But the next time it felt less like cheating and more like I was moving on. Although sex with Mick is not mind shattering like it was with Caleb, it gets the job done. But I guess once you’ve had something that extraordinary, the ordinary seems less exciting than what you’re used to.

I should give more of myself to Mick, he is really good to me. He tells me he loves me which I thought was way too fast, but he seems honest about it and he’s normal and laid back and there’s nothing ‘out there’ about him. No groupies, no paparazzi, no headline news that could break us apart. No excitement.

Wait, did I just think that?

I guess even though Mick has everything I was looking for, I miss the extraordinary. Even though Caleb and his spotlight was emotional, it was exciting and it kept life interesting. Life with Mick is average, and even though it’s the life I wanted, the life I have chosen, I can’t help but feel smothered by a life of beige blah-dom.

Even working in the orthopedics’ ward, while rewarding, it’s not the excitement and adrenalin charged work I had in the emergency ward. I miss my old life. I miss everything I had. I miss Caleb, and I wish he had fought harder for me. I wish I had fought harder for us because even though Mick loves me, and he is great for me, he’s not Caleb.

I miss him. I miss his family. I miss his friends. I even miss our Skype calls when he was on tour. Hell, I even miss the drama of Sasha, because at least when that was happening the emotions flowing through me made me feel alive. Right now, I feel like I’m drifting through a world with no emotion and no feeling. I feel like I died the night I gave up on Caleb and I have never truly come back to life. I’m just going through the motions and trying to live day by day the best way I know how, by faking my way through.

It’s the weekend and I have a day off work. Mick is finishing at two, so I’m heading to the coffee shop to pick him up and we’re going to the movies for a date night. It’s sweet the way he looks after me, really it is. I love the way he treats me, he really respects me and even though he calls me Indica most of the time, which I hate, I put up with it because he treats me so well.

I drive to the coffee shop and as I pull up a Staked song comes on the radio. It’s ‘Saving Grace’ and I take a sharp inhale of breath and shake my head trying to force out any images of Caleb. I’m about to go and see my boyfriend Mick, I do not need to be thinking of Caleb right now. I turn off the ignition and step out of the car with a lump in my throat and my heart racing. I swallow hard, grab my bag, and head into the coffee shop. It’s quite a popular one in the heart of London, and it seems to be busy. I try to gather myself because I’m feeling all kinds of wrong. Today isn’t a good day and hearing a song Caleb wrote about me just before I came in to see my new boyfriend is making me feel uneasy.

I walk in and take a seat in my usual booth up the front of the shop. I look over to see Mick making coffee as usual and I smile as I look over his handsome features. He isn’t as good looking as Caleb. He’s about the same height as me with red hair and a five o’clock shadow. His hair is short and he’s practically the total opposite of Caleb in every way. Mick looks like a clean-cut boy. Well, to be honest, more like a computer nerd. Whereas Caleb is your typical bad boy rocker. The two couldn’t be further apart.

Mick looks over and notices me, he smiles brightly bringing his hand up and waving. I smile and wave back and he blows me a kiss and then goes back to work. That cute little gesture should have set my heart a flutter, but it didn’t, which only makes me feel guilty. I shake my head as I look at him and wonder if I should call this off with him. Leading him on isn’t right for either of us, but he makes me smile and laugh.

Is that enough? To pretend that you should love them back? I told Mick I love him, but it was a lie. I didn’t want him to feel bad telling me he loves me all the time and me not saying it back, so I lie to him. He knows I was hurt, but he doesn’t know by who. He knows I’m guarded and he is patient with me. He’s been patient and I know I should give this more time.

I could grow to love him, right?

I just need to let go of Caleb. I need to stop reminding myself of what I had and comparing Mick to him because he could never compare. Caleb was my first and only true love and nothing compares to that.

I need to let go.

I take a deep breath when suddenly everything inside of my body starts to tingle. My body begins to tremble and the hairs on my arms stand to attention. I know this feeling, it’s how I feel whenever Caleb is around. I shoot my head around and see him walking into the coffee shop with Aston and some redhead, and a couple of guys dressed all in black must be their security detail. I duck down and try to hide from him as my heart races so fast I can’t breathe, but as I move downward I knock a metal napkin holder onto the ground and it crashes to the floor gaining his attention.

He looks over and our eyes meet. And as he looks into my eyes it’s like there are sparks shooting off in every direction setting the room on fire and we’re trapped in a flaming inferno. I stand up at the edge of the booth as he stares at me looking so lost. His eyes are pleading with me to go to him as his chest heaves with harsh breaths. Aston grabs his arm and whispers in his ear while my ears are ringing so loudly that all I can hear is the blood rushing through my own veins. I can’t believe he’s here and after three months of being broken up and seven months of not seeing him my knees are feeling weak looking at his gorgeous features. Caleb shakes his head to whatever Aston says and breaks free from him as he walks across to me with such determination, I have to grab hold of the booth before my legs give way and I collapse onto the floor.

“Indi,” he says my name and it’s like music to my ears. God, I’ve missed him. “Indi is that really you?” he asks and takes me into his strong arms. I’m utterly powerless against him.

“Caleb?” I ask slightly breathless from seeing him and also from his tight grip on me.

“Oh, baby, where have you been? I swear I didn’t sleep with Sasha…” As soon as I hear her name I tune out and a blank stare crosses my face as my rage starts to boil over.

“How could you? She was a hard limit, Caleb,” I whisper and he stops talking.

“I just told you Indi, I didn’t—”

“And I’m meant to believe you?”

“Yes, Indi, I swear. I never did anything with Sasha on tour.”

“I don’t believe you!” I yell and he takes a step back at my sudden outburst.

“You ruined me, Caleb.”

I notice Mick coming over to see what’s going on.

“Indi, I—”

“You okay, Indica?” Mick asks. I nod and step past Caleb to walk away.

“What’s it to you punk?” Caleb asks and reaches out for me as I pass.

“Hey, get your hands off her!” Mick says and pulls me from Caleb to him. I mourn the loss of Caleb’s hands on me as soon as they fall.

“And who the fuck are you? Indi, c’mon talk to me, please,” Caleb says and Mick pulls me behind him.

“I’m her fucking boyfriend, cowboy, so back the fuck off and leave before I call the police,” Mick says.

My stomach twists as I watch Caleb’s face drop like he’s in agony.

“Boyfriend? Mick, right?” he whispers looking at Micks name tag then looks at me with his eyes welling.

“Yeah,” Mick says and stares at Caleb.

“So is that Mick the dick, or Mick the prick? How about Indi gives Mick the flick?” Caleb says and I shake my head and glare.

“Shut up, dickhead,” Mick replies and I put my hand on his chest to placate him.

“Indi, please,” Caleb says and I shake my head.

“I can’t, Caleb,” I say and turn to walk out the back door.

“No, Indi, wait,” Caleb says and rushes forward toward me. Aston and the security guards move to Caleb as Mick steps in the way.

“Leave her alone,” Mick says and Caleb laughs and shakes his head leaning forward and pushing Mick in the chest.

“Or what?” Caleb asks and I roll my eyes.

“Caleb, stop it!”

Mick pushes Caleb back. “Or you’ll have me to deal with,” Mick says.

I step forward, but it is too late. Caleb balls his fist and swings, punching Mick right in the jaw. A female customer screams while Aston pulls Caleb away from Mick as the security guards step in between them and I squat down beside Mick to see if he’s okay.

“You know this guy, Indica?”

“He calls you, Indica? You hate that,” Caleb says and Mick looks at me and furrows his brows.

“You do?” he asks and I exhale and nod.

“Yeah, I really do,” I say and stand up walking over to Caleb.

“You can’t come in here and do this to my friend,” I say in his face, angry that he’s making a scene.

He grabs either side of my face and looks right into my eyes. “I love you, Indi. I would do anything for you!”

“Sometimes that just isn’t enough, Caleb,” I whisper as he inches closer to my face.

“Sometimes, Indi, it is,” he says and leans in suddenly kissing me.

“Indica?” I hear Mick say, but I’m too lost in the emotion of kissing Caleb again. No one kisses like he does, and right now even though I’m trying to fight him with everything I have…

I am failing.

Miserably.