I didn’t even get a kiss goodbye. Now I’m totally and utterly confused as I drive home. I need to ease the tension in my body and the only way I can figure out how to do that right now is by drinking. I know I really shouldn’t, but right this second I just want to be drunk! I pull through the bottle shop and pick up a bottle of whiskey to take home. I need to rub one out and stop thinking about how I was nearly inside Indi but didn’t get to actually make love to her. Thinking of that is making me extremely despondent. I park my car and grab my bottle and head inside my home.

Alone.

And horny.

I open the door and walk inside opening the whiskey while I walk and taking a large gulp right from the bottle. This kind of frustration doesn’t call for glassware. I close the door with my foot and walk over to my lounge suite and slump down onto it trying to rid the imagery of Indi from my mind. That, plus, her confusing personality tonight has my head spinning. She says she wants to be ‘just friends.’

But ‘just friends,’ don’t fuck!

But ‘just friends’ do leave without a kiss goodbye.

This is so confusing that it’s doing my head in. I can’t work out what she wants!! I can’t think straight and I’m left as horny as hell and that’s never a good thing. I’ll just have to get drunk and comatose myself until the morning. I shrug out of my leather jacket and pull out my phone and wallet from my jean’s pocket throwing them on the table. My wallet falls open and a piece of paper flies out. I pick it up and notice its Sasha’s number from the other night. I exhale and ditch it onto the table and rest back into the lounge taking another large gulp of the strong amber liquid.

 

***

 

My head is pounding and I’m laying down. I’m pretty sure I’m in bed, although I have absolutely no recollection of how I got here. I groan as I roll over letting my arm flop out to the side and it lands on something, which then makes an ‘oomph’ sound.

I open my eyes and immediately spot a woman lying next to me. I tense up because she’s a brunette, but her hair is over her face.

Fuck!

I slowly pull her hair away her face to see its Sasha from the after-party the other night.

Double fuck!

I rub my chin wondering what the hell happened last night. I look under the covers and we’re both stark bollock naked, and when I look at the bedside table, I see a condom and ripped open packet.

Triple fuck!

I flop onto my back as guilt flows over me. I was going to make love to Indi last night, so what do I do? Come home and have fucking sex with a complete stranger?

Good going, tosser!

I should’ve known getting drunk like that was a terrible idea. Sasha moves slightly next to me moaning a little and grabbing her head. She slowly opens her eyes and looks at me and then smiles.

“Well, good morning,” she says quietly in a sleep filled voice, so she doesn’t hurt either of our pain-filled heads.

“Yep,” I say dismissively.

I feel terrible. No wonder Indi is so worried about me with other women. Look what I’ve gone and done. Fucking hell!

“We drank so much last night,” she says.

“A whole lot,” I reply and she looks at me furrowing her brow.

“Do you remember any of it?”

“Umm…honestly, not a thing,” I reply.

“I knew you were wasted when I came over. I just didn’t realise how bad. Shame you don’t remember, it was a wild night. One I soon won’t forget, even through my drunken haze.”

I close my eyes tight and imagine punching myself in the head as hard as I can.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up. We had fun, even if you kept calling me Indi. But I don’t mind, I got to have you and she didn’t. Lucky me.” She sits up letting the sheets drop away from her skinny frame, then climbs out of bed and walks over to the en-suite and closes the door.

Shit!

Crap!

Fuck!

You fucking idiot, Caleb!

How could I be so utterly stupid? I really am a serial screw up!

I sit up and walk over to my joggers and pull them up. Running my hands over my face trying to scrub away the misery. It doesn’t work.

Of course, it doesn’t work, you idiot! Nothing will erase this gigantic mistake.

I run my hand through my hair thinking I can’t stay here anymore. The guilt is eating me alive, I just need to be out of this God forsaken bedroom. I walk out to the lounge room. I slump down onto the lounge suite and rest my elbows on my knees while placing my head in my hands.

I feel like a complete bellend. No worse than that, a total wankstain.

I just hope Indi never finds out about this. About what a fuck up I really am. This would just prove her right. That her theory of me not being able to control myself around other women is actually a fact. When I know it isn’t. I know having a naked woman in my en-suite kind of proves me wrong, but last night was a mistake. I hardly ever get drunk and when I do I make appalling decisions, obviously. So no more drinking for me. I need to prove to Indi I can be a one woman guy, and I can be I’m positive of it. I would be anything for her if only she’ll let me.

Sasha walks out of the bedroom this time fully clothed, thankfully. She walks over and sits down next to me on the lounge suite.

“So, last night was—”

“A mistake...you should leave,” I say interrupting her. I definitely do not want to give Sasha the wrong idea about whatever last night was. I turn to look at her and she’s biting at her bottom lip and nodding.

“Okay, sure,” she says standing up. She collects a handbag I hadn’t noticed was sitting on the coffee table.

“Walk me out?”

I exhale and stand up walking with her to my front door. I open the door, she smiles at me and leans in kissing my cheek. I tense up and mentally punch myself again.

“Can we do this again sometime?” she asks, just like they always do.

“I don’t think so,” I say dismissively, not even looking at her. She chuckles and leans in touching my chest.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Caleb. We had a good night and it is what it is,” she says and leans in kissing my cheek again. I flare my nostrils because right now I’m so furious at myself, I feel like I literally want to actually punch my own face. She walks out of my house and I don’t even watch as I slam the door and then lean against it resting my chin on my chest as I close my eyes just trying to breathe. I’m so angry, and I’m the only one to blame here. Me, it all rests with me. Sasha only came because I must have called her. Sure, I don’t remember the call, but how else would she know where to come?

This is so fucked up!

Maybe Indi is better off without scum like me. I can’t believe I let my hormones rule my head. If I want to get Indi on side, this is certainly not the way to do it!

I feel utterly gutted and guilty, and I need to make it up to her. She doesn’t know what happened but I do, and I need to make myself feel better. My built up frustrations found me in bed with another woman and that makes me feel physically ill.

I was going to have Indi last night and because I was so worked up and horny and didn’t have my release, I chose someone else to help me along rather than wait. Delayed gratification is always the way to go. I should have waited. But I was stupid, got drunk and lost my inhibitions.

Well, at least, I was still thinking about Indi when I was sleeping with someone else. I just wish I could remember last night, or maybe I don’t want to remember. Sasha said it was a wild night, so maybe it is best if I don’t know what I got up to. All I know is right now I need to fix my insecurities about Indi. I need to let her know how much I love her and how much I want this, and what better way to a woman’s heart than through gifts, right?

 

Indi

 

I’m on my way home from being called in for the emergency at work. We had three nurses go down with the flu, so I had to go in and cover a shift. The emergency ward was hectic last night. Then I had to stay on for my shift today. I’m on no sleep and I have very little energy left in my reserves. But I still had a lot of time to think about how things were going with Caleb. It was like I couldn’t control myself around him. And even though I know I don’t want a relationship and I really do only want us to kiss, last night went way further than what I was expecting it to go. I honestly lost all my senses last night, and I forgot that the reason I don’t want to sleep with him is because he wouldn’t be able to commit to me. And even if he does that’s not what I want anyway.

We can’t be together because a love like ours could destroy us both, and I don’t want to be responsible for the death of us. Last night was a mistake and I have to find a way to make sure Caleb knows that it can’t happen again. I can’t trust that he would be only with me, and I can’t trust if he were that we wouldn’t get in too deep.

No, this is too much.

I need to pull back.

I was lost in the moment of having him there with me. He was so nice and he fixed everything for me, made me dinner, and showed me what it would be like if we were together. I loved that feeling, but then the memory of Maddie and him comes back to mind and I can’t shake the image of him the day after us sleeping together of him being with someone else.

How do I know he wouldn’t do that now?

I love him, that’s for sure.

But do I trust him? No.

I don’t and he brought that on himself, so I need to take a step back. I need to remember that Caleb is not good for me, and even though I was swept up in the moment, I forgot all about our history. I can’t let that happen again. In a way, I’m glad the hospital rang when they did, because I know sleeping with him would have made him question things even further. At least now we can go back to being friends like it never happened. And if that doesn’t work, then I might have to stop seeing him altogether. I just hope it doesn’t come to that because it’s not what I want.

In a way, I feel like maybe I’m self-sabotaging because last night I was so happy with Caleb. But only in the light of the morning, when I’m withdrawn from his intoxicating presence, can I see reality for what it is. Caleb makes me happy, but he has the power to make me miserable and that outweighs the happiness. I’ve lived with misery for most of my life and I don’t need it being enhanced by some infatuation with Caleb. I need to keep my guard up around him and I can’t let it drop again. That was foolish of me. I need to be strong…no, stronger. I need to set boundaries and I need to set him back to the right level where we are ‘friends.’

Friends!

That’s all we are, and all we will ever be.

I pull up at home and park my car on the street. I get out into the crisp mid-evening air and stretch letting out all the built-up tension in my muscles from my thoughts on the drive home. I close my door and walk up to my house, getting out my keys from my bag. I’m exhausted and I can’t wait to get into the shower and then straight into bed. I put the key in the lock and open the door just as a green van pulls up out the front of my house. I furrow my brows wondering if I’m about to be abducted when a driver steps out and walks to the back of his van. He’s wearing a uniform so it relaxes me a little, let’s face it this neighbourhood is not exactly comforting. Then my anxiety increases when he pulls out a massive bunch of roses. My eyes open so wide, I feel like they’re falling out of my head. He walks up to me and I shake my head slightly looking at how huge this bouquet of flowers really is.

“Hi, I have a delivery for, Indica Malone,” he states.

I nod, not able to form anything intelligent to say, so he hands me the bunch, smiles and goes to walk off.

“How many are there?” I call out finally able to speak.

“There’s one hundred, long-stemmed red roses,” he replies and then smiles again walking back to his van. I look down at the flowers and swallow hard raising an eyebrow.

One hundred roses?

That’s a lot!

I stand on my front doorstep staring at this massive mass of flowers that’s so big, it’s actually hard and heavy to hold. My heart is racing hard and I feel a little nauseous. This is definitely not ‘friend’ territory. I walk inside and close the front door with my foot. I place the vase containing the absolutely stunning rose display onto the buffet. They are simply sensational. I’ve never been given such an amazing present in all my life. Caleb is spoiling me, and it’s because he thinks there’s chance of something more.

This is bad.

Really bad.

I notice the card tucked inside, so I pull it out and it has my name written neatly. I open the card and little confetti love hearts fall out. I sigh and slump my body feeling terrible.

I’ve led him on and this is all my fault!

I read the neatly written note on the card.

 

For your beauty is as flawless as the beauty of these roses.

Forgive me for being me, and say you’ll love me for who I want to be.

The man you will adore and call your own.

I have loved you forever, say you’ll be my forever?

Caleb xo

 

My chest tightens as tears well in my eyes. I knew I shouldn’t have let myself go. He wants more. More is something I cannot give. There’s no trust and even if I did, the love is too strong, it would be the beginning of the end for us both. I can’t do this. The tears flow over and fall down my cheeks.

I’m not sure why I’m crying?

Is it from sadness or anger?

From happiness or relief?

I’ve thought about Caleb every day since I left him and I always wanted to be his. But in my heart I know he’s a poet, that’s his job to write soulful and beautiful words to make women swoon. And that right there is the problem. Women! There’s too many that will be a temptation for him, and I can’t risk being hurt. I don’t do relationships, and this has ruined everything. I can’t do this. I can’t keep going with him thinking we can be something we simply can’t.

Do I love him? Yes…with all my heart.

But I can’t bring myself to let go of the pain. The pain has always been there, and right now it’s the only thing that’s making me see straight.

Caleb and I can’t work.

I pick up my mobile phone and type two simple words and send it to Caleb as I sob so hard I can hardly see the screen of my phone.

 

Caleb

 

The sweat drips from my head as I calm down, I get so hot when I’m performing. The band was on fire tonight and as I jump down from the stage after the final song my heart is racing so fast from the adrenalin. I performed well this evening, even though in the back of my mind, the entire performance was for Indi. She would have gotten my flowers by now, but I’ve been on stage for the last two hours. I’m hopeful that she’s left me a message so I can call her back when I get into the green room.

Annie did well, and her and Aston were playing awesome tonight. Well, the whole band are just gelling well. Tonight was a good night. I feel a bit better than I did this morning though, the hangover stuck with me for most of the day. I had to change my sheets and took the longest shower in history this morning after Sasha left. I felt horrible and, to be honest, I’ve never felt as utterly filthy as I did when I woke up next to her. Not saying that there’s anything wrong with her, but it should’ve been Indi and hopefully she isn’t working tonight and I can go around to her house when I finish up here.

I’d like to finish what we started last night, and I’m hoping my note told her everything about how I’m feeling. I want her in every way. I need her to be mine. I just hope it doesn’t scare her off. I may have over-compensated in the note due to my guilt over Sasha. But Indi never has to know about that, and I swear she never will. That was a mistake of epic proportions, and it won’t be repeated any time soon, or ever for that matter. I just hope I get a message from Indi saying she is as in as I am.

I make my way down to the green room as I wipe my forehead with my arm to clean away the residual sweat from my performance. A crew member high-fives me as I walk past and I’m buzzing. My hangover all but cured by being on stage, and I’ve told Indi what I want.

Tonight is going to be great!

I walk inside and no one else has arrived yet. I’m sure the others are probably still chatting with their parents. It’s good, it gives me a chance to talk to Indi alone. I race over to my jacket and pull out my mobile to see a message. I smile and swipe the screen and open it. It’s from Indi and as I read it, my world starts to crumble and fall away all around me. My heart pounds ferociously and I feel sick.

Two. Simple. Words.

 

Indi: I can’t.

 

I swallow hard and shake my head wondering what she means by that. I look around the room as my heart jumps into my throat. I notice no one else is in here, so I dial her number quickly. It rings and rings and my heart pounds faster and faster while I think she’s not going to answer.

Maybe she knows about Sasha, but how could she?

Suddenly she picks up the call.

“Hey,” she says and my heart jumps into my throat again making it hard to speak.

“Hey, you got my flowers?” I ask hesitantly and there’s lingering silence on the line.

“You know I did.”

I swallow hard. “What can’t you do, Indi?” I ask deciding to get right to the point.

“What you asked for on the card.”

I start to breathe faster thinking I have fucked this up…again. “Why?”

“Because I can’t trust you,” she says and I freeze on the spot.

She knows!

“Why?” I ask wanting her to tell me what she thinks she knows.

“I’ve never been able to, Caleb. You can’t control yourself with women and you shouldn’t have to. You’re at a concert tonight and you should be celebrating not waiting for me. I am only standing in your way—”

“That’s bullshit! You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted, Indi. All the others mean nothing, they never have, and they can’t compare to you. Indi, I love you.”

I hear her sob and then she hangs up the phone.

“Indi?” I ask, but there’s nothing but silence.

She hung up on me!

I dial her number again it rings twice and then cuts out. I huff and dial again, but this time it goes straight to voicemail. Anger surges through me and it builds up making me hot all over until I can’t stand it. I throw my phone across the room and then lunge at the nearest wall and clench my fist as I punch the wall so hard it puts a hole straight through the plasterboard. I punch the wall again and again grunting and letting out my frustration until Aston comes in. I stop punching and sag in exhaustion onto the nearest chair rubbing my now bruised and bleeding knuckles.

“So, do you feel better now you’ve taken it out on the wall?” he asks picking up my phone and walking over to me. I lean my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands as I try to calm my breathing. Indi has shut me out again and it hurts like a bitch. But really, I deserve it after the way I treated her last night. Even though, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about Sasha. I mean, how could she know?

“You okay?” Aston asks sitting down next to me.

He’s just a kid, he wouldn’t understand.

“I honestly don’t know, I feel like I’m losing my shit,” I murmur and Aston half laughs.

“Well, that’s obvious—”

“Give me a break, okay?” I interrupt and he hands me my phone and pats my back.

“Caleb, you’re like a brother to me and the rest of us. Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you don’t need someone to talk to. Just know that when you’re ready I’m here, just like you are for me.”

“Thanks mate, but I need to sort this one out on my own,” I reply. He nods and looks toward the door where Annie and Ella are walking in still on a high from their performances.

“Anytime you need me, okay?” Aston says and I nod. He slaps my back and rushes over to Annie. I look up at the wall and stare at the holes where I punched right through, and I can’t help but think I brought this on myself. Now I have to deal with the outcome.

I’ve lost Indi.

She doesn’t want me and knowing her, I won’t be able to see her again. She tends to fly in these situations, so who knows if I’ll ever see her again.

This is bullshit.

I need to let off steam.

I need to get rid of this tension.

I need to call Sasha.