I spent a long time in the shower just thinking about the monster inside me. The man I hated, but the man that was a part of me. I hated the way I treated Angel, but I detested even more that I saw Indi and nothing has come of it. I’m lying in my bed trying to get some sleep, but that seems like an impossible task right now. Rolling over I pick up my mobile and swipe the screen to turn it on. Scrolling to open the photos and find the last one of Indi. She’s seventeen in this picture and she’s smiling so happily it melts my heart. I need to talk to her, I can’t let this go. I bring up her contact and dial her number. An ache in my chest starts to permeate through me as I wait patiently listening to the ringing tone waiting for her to answer. My heart beats faster and faster with every ring, but it rings and rings and just like every other time I’ve called her in the last six years, she doesn’t answer.

I exhale and swipe to end the call and let the phone fall to the mattress. I feel empty and I know she said she didn’t want to see me again, but I really don’t know if I can stay away. I bring my hands up to my face and rub it to try and relieve the built up tension that has come back when I feel my phone vibrate alongside me. I quickly look down to see a text message, I scramble to pick up the phone hoping desperately that it’s from her. I swipe the screen to see a message from Annie. I exhale and close my eyes trying to stop myself from throwing my phone across the room in frustration. I roll onto my back and bring the screen into view to read Annie’s message.

 

Annie: Hey Caleb, I just wanna thank u 4 being there 4 me, like always. I really appreciate u looking out 4 me and taking care of me. I’m sorry I got u into trouble with Dad, but I know he really appreciates u looking after me 2. So thank u cuz, I luv u xo

 

I smile and type a reply.

 

Me: That’s okay Annie. It’s my job to look after you. Are you okay?

 

I hit send and wait for her reply.

 

Annie: Not really but I’ll be fine, just got the mother of all hangovers. I’m never drinking again! Just wish I knew why Aston did that, it’s going 2 make things weird…

 

I shake my head and exhale hoping like fuck this doesn’t screw things up for the band.

 

Me: Well cuz I think that you need to talk to him, get everything out in the open and just be honest. The band is important Annie, and if you guys can’t get along, it could ruin things for all of us. So just suck it up and be the brave girl I know you are. You can get through this Annie, just be smart like I told you to be. Don’t make any rash or stupid decisions and we should all be fine. Talk to me anytime you need to okay?

 

I hit send and wait for her answer.

 

Annie: I know, thanks for being there for me. I can always count on u. Ur the best cousin ever!

 

I laugh at her text and shake my head.

 

Me: Does your teacher Susan actually teach you how to type in English? What’s with all this u and ur thing?

 

I hit send and chuckle to myself knowing that will get a rise out of her.

 

Annie: Shut up fuck wit! It’s not an assignment so I can write however I want to. So suck that bitch! lol

 

I chuckle at her response and for the first time today I smile a real smile. This is just the light-hearted relief I’ve needed.

 

Me: Okay, I need some sleep and I’m sure you do too. Look after yourself and if you need me call, okay?

 

I hit send and roll onto my side getting comfortable.

 

Annie: Ok thanks again. I don’t know what I would’ve done without u. I luv u Caleb. Sleep well xxxx

 

I smile at the message and type back.

 

Me: Love you too, now go to sleep! xo

 

I hit send and place my phone on the pillow, pulling the covers right up to my chin as I prepare for sleep that may or may not come.

 

***

 

I managed to get a couple of hours sleep, but it was restless and full of dreams. Well, more like memories from my childhood with Indi. Nothing major, just times we spent together enjoying each other’s company. It was a pleasant trip down memory lane, but when I woke up, it filled me with a pain that I couldn’t seem to shake.

I got up and decided I needed to see her. It’s like an addiction and seeing her after six years has made me fall off-the-wagon. I need to be near her and the intensity of how much I want to be with her scares me. Indi is dangerous for me. She has the ability to break me completely, but I am willing to risk it if there’s a slight chance that we can be together, or even just friends. I want her in my life in some way and if that meant just as friends, I could deal with that as long as I get to see her. So now I’m in my car driving to the hospital in the hope that she’s working. She was working a night shift last time and I waited until 10:00 p.m. so hopefully she’ll be there again tonight. I pull up in the parking bay and walk into the emergency ward. It’s busy tonight and it seems quite hectic, so if she’s here, I probably won’t have long to talk to her. Hopefully, long enough for her to agree to meet up with me.

I make my way to the front desk and the receptionist on the phone. She smiles at me and nods that she’s seen me. I turn around because I don’t want her to think I’m listening in on the call. Plus, I have zero interest in it anyway. I look around the ward trying to see if I can spot her anywhere. I can’t. My heart is pounding and I feel a little sick. I just want to see her.

“Can I help you?”

I turn around. “Yeah, hi. I…ah…was wondering, is Indica Malone working tonight?”

“No, she has a night off. Is there an emergency?”

“No, not a medical one anyway. Can you tell me where she lives?” I ask and the lady stands up and looks over at the security guard. I tense up and look back at her.

“No. I’m sorry, we do not give out personal information.”

I nod and rub the back of my neck.

“Well, can you tell me when she’ll be on next? I really need to see her,” I say and the lady shakes her head.

“Once again I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give you any information about any staff members here. If you need to see her, I suggest you look for her elsewhere. This is a place of employment, not a place for socializing.”

“Okay, sorry, but can you maybe tell me the suburb she lives in? Help a guy out, yeah?” I ask trying to turn on my charm.

She waves at the security guard and he starts to walk over. “No sir, I will not help you out. I can tell her you came looking for her, but that’s all I can do,” she says and I tense up.

“No, please don’t tell her I came in here. It will probably make her angry—”

“Well, if she doesn’t want to see you then may I suggest you leave well enough alone. Now if you will excuse me, we have emergencies that are actually important, sir,” she states as the security guard walks up next to me. “Please escort this gentleman out.”

The guard as he tries to grab my arm and I flinch it away from him and back up.

“That’s not necessary, I’m going. Please don’t tell her I came,” I say and the security guard walks with me to the doors.

“I’m leaving, you don’t have to follow me.”

“Just leave quietly, sir.”

I roll my eyes and walk out of the emergency department and back to my car. I actually feel like an idiot. I made a complete and utter fool of myself and I can’t guarantee that the old bag won’t say anything to Indi. I’ve probably just stuffed this up even more. Walking out to my car, my heart is pounding and I have a raging headache. I rub my temples and anger washes over me. I suddenly flame red hot, my heart beats erratically and a trickle of sweat runs down my forehead. All my muscles are clenching and I need a release. I need to take my frustrations out, so I step up to my car and kick the tyre with force.

“Ouch, fuck!” I say as I hop on one foot while my toes throb with pain.

“For fuck’s sake!” I murmur and hobble to the driver’s side. I get into the car and lean forward resting my head on the steering wheel. I think I just fucked up and hurt my foot in the process.

I’m such a dick!

I lean back into the seat and take a deep breath trying to control my erratically beating heart.

“Get a grip, Caleb,” I whisper as I close my eyes and shake my head trying to calm down. Exhaling once more, I then open my eyes and lean over starting the car. Putting it in reverse and driving out of the parking bay, I drive back home where I need to sort my shit out.

 

***

 

When I arrived home, I made a conscious effort to keep myself busy. I stayed in my lounge room and played my guitar singing Staked songs, trying to forget about Indi. It was hard, but the distraction worked.

It’s been two days post-Indi and my phone is ringing. I look at the screen and it’s Dad, so I swipe the phone to answer.

“Hey Dad, what’s up?”

“We’re all heading down to Oxfordshire for a meeting. Do you want us to pick you up or you wanna drive there yourself?”

“A meeting about what?”

“It’s a surprise. So what do you want to do?” he asks and I shake my head at his crypticness.

“I’ll drive. What time are we meant to be there?”

“We’re leaving now.”

“Okay, no worries, I’ll go now, too. See you there.” I hang up wondering what the hell that was about. I’m not really in the mood for anything right now. I was fine lost in my music, but I guess something is happening so I better get motivated and head out to Colt’s place. I grab my leather jacket and walk quickly to the door grabbing my keys on the way.

The long drive to the manor seems to fly by as I get lost in the music in my car. I’m really feeling it today and it’s helping me get through. I wanted to go and see Indi again. I wanted to call her again, but after the shambles at the hospital I decided it was probably best to leave it for a bit.

I pull up at the manor gates and use my remote to open them. I notice Dad’s car pull up behind me. I haven’t seen them in a few days. It’ll be nice to catch up with everyone, and to check on the Annie and Aston situation. I drive through and take up my usual park. I get out of the car and I wait for Mum and Dad to get out.

“Hey, how’s my boy going?” Mum asks rushing across and taking me in her arms. She’s tall, but not as tall as me so she snuggles her head into my chest.

“I’m not a boy, Mum. I’m twenty-three. I’m a man now, remember?”

“I know, I like to tease you,” she says pulling back and looking at me. “You look tired. Are you okay?” She knows me so well.

“I’m fine, Mum, just haven’t been sleeping too well is all.”

Dad comes over and slaps me on the back. “Hey mate, you okay? You look like shit?”

I chuckle as Mum smacks him on the chest.

“He’s not sleeping, leave him alone.”

Dad wraps his arm around Mum’s shoulders and pulls her to him kissing her head. “Why aren’t you sleeping? Something on your mind? Are you worried about Annie and what happened at her party?” Dad asks and I decide that it’s better than telling him the truth.

“Yeah, just want to make sure she’s okay, you know? She’s like my little sister and I want to see her making the right choices.”

“How did you get so smart?” Dad asks.

“Certainly not from my dad that’s for sure,” I say with a smirk.

He scoffs and brings his hand to his chest like he’s offended.

“You guys! C’mon, let’s get inside,” Mum says with a giggle freeing herself from Dad and starting to walk toward the manor.

Dad reaches out and grabs my arm stopping me, I look back at him and raise an eyebrow.

“You really okay?”

“Yeah Dad, I’m okay,” I say and move my hand to squeeze his shoulder.

“Well, if you ever need to talk—”

“I know, thanks, Dad,” I reply and he smiles and slaps my back again.

“C’mon you slackers, keep up,” Mum says.

We get to the door and I open it without knocking walking straight in. We walk through the foyer and around to the right and into the music room. Mum makes her way over to the lounge suite and sits down with the other mums, and Dad and I move over and stand near the side of the room while everyone else chats among themselves.

“So Caleb, honestly, you really do look like shit. Talk to me, son,” Dad says quietly.

He loved Indi too. She was like the daughter he never had. Maybe I should confide in someone?

“Okay, but don’t make a big deal of it?” I reply quietly and he nods. “The other night when I took Annie to the hospital—”

“Yeah?” Dad interrupts.

“Well, I saw someone.”

“It’s a hospital, there're plenty of people to see. You need to be more precise,” he says and I tense up and look around making sure no one is listening.

“It was Indi—”

“What? Oh my God, is she okay? Was she hurt?”

“No, no, nothing like that. She’s working there. She helped Annie sober up.”

“Right, okay. So, ah…How did that go then?”

“She doesn’t want anything to do with me. It’s been six years and she still hasn’t forgiven me, Dad,” I say and my chest tightens.

“Hey. It’s okay. I know how much you loved her. Hell, I loved her too, but if she’s made her mind up that she doesn’t want to be in your life, then you have to respect that. She’s been through so much, and if she can’t handle having reminders of her past, then you can’t force her to want you.”

I didn’t even think that seeing me would be a reminder and bring back everything for her. I’m such a dick! Of course, when she sees me all she sees are those terrible reminders that she probably has nightmares over.

“Yeah, I know you’re right. It was just hard letting her go again.”

“Well, hopefully, today will cheer you up a bit.”

“Cryptic much?”

“Just wait and see. I’m sure you’ll be feeling better in no time. In the meantime, why don’t you check in on your cousin? She looks about as terrible as you do.”

I glance over at Annie and notice her frowning and looking at the ground. I then look over at Aston and he looks terrible too.

Great! This sucks!

I walk over to Annie and pat her shoulder. “How you feeling?” I ask quietly.

She smiles and nods. “Better thanks, and thank you again for helping me. You really are the best cousin in the world.”

“Gee thanks. Seeing as I’m your only cousin that’s kind of an insult more than a compliment, but I’ll take it,” I say and I notice her glance back over at Aston.

“Things are weird with you two now, right?”

She nods and exhales looking back at me. “I don’t know how to act around him,” she says looking miserable. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and pull her to me.

“Well, as long as you can fake it through rehearsals and whenever we perform, I’ll be happy. Do you think you can do that?” I ask worriedly that this could affect the band.

“Yeah, no problem,” she says convincingly.

“Okay, everyone, listen up. Can I have your attention, please?” Colt announces loudly.

I kiss the side of Annie’s head and move across briskly to my microphone stand.

“So obviously something is happening tonight because everyone is here for support,” Colt says and everyone nods. “Okay, so what I haven’t told you is that Rob Luxley is going to be here in about ten minutes to listen to you perform. I think you guys are ready and he hears us talking about your band all the time. He’s interested in listening to hear your potential.”

My mouth drops open and my heart lurches right up into my throat. I’ve wanted the band to go somewhere ever since I can remember, and now an agent is going to be listening to us?

Annie and Ella shriek and I look at Aston and he looks as shocked as I am. Suddenly, all thoughts of sadness vanish and excitement takes over. I look at Dad and he nods and smiles at me like he knew this would cheer me up. Well, it certainly has. This is an incredible opportunity. I can finally be the musician I always wanted to be, the rock star Indi knew I would become. I can follow in the family name and make music that the world will hear and love.

It doesn’t get any better than this!