Once I start singing and am in the zone, I’m on fire. The songs are being sung with an energy I haven’t had before. It’s like all the emotion pent up inside of me is oozing out through my lyrics. It’s cathartic in a way, to let my rage and sadness out into the songs.

Hunter had been on his phone…a lot, texting I think. I can’t help but wonder who he’s talking to, and hoping that it’s Brax and that he has some news on how he’s doing. But I keep my mind on the game and sing my heart out to the crowd. They’re definitely loving Red Velvet now that the trouble makers have been escorted from the building.

The guitars fade and just the hard beat of the bass drum kicks as my voice sings a soft haunting conclusion to our final song ‘Escape.’ The crowd erupts into a round of applause, I close my eyes feeling the vibration of the sound reverberating through my feet on the stage, and soak it all in. The rapture of the crowd is allowing all my endorphins to take me to a much happier place than before the gig. I feel lighter somehow. My heart is racing as a bead of sweat trickles down my temple. Opening my eyes to take in the view of the appreciative audience, I smile and throw my hands in the air.

“Thank you! We’re Red Velvet and you guys have seriously rocked this place tonight—”

“No, you have!” Someone in the crowd calls out making me laugh.

“Thank you so much. It’s been a pleasure, Dublin. Drink lots and party hard! Have a good night rockers!” I say into the microphone and the crowd cheer as I turn around and walk off the stage. Taking in a deep lung full of smoke machine-filled air, I lick my lips trying to moisten my mouth from the dry texture. Hunter is by my side instantly, like the good pseudo bodyguard he’s supposed to be, and we walk into the back room with the crowd chanting the band’s name. It fills me with such a high that all my feelings of dread from before the show seem to have dissipated.

Pulling the handle on the fridge door, I have to use extra force as it sticks slightly. It pulls free with a pop and the water bottles on the door all rattle with the force of the opening door. Grabbing a water, I unscrew the lid and throw it at Hunter who’s busy texting again. It hits him square in the middle of his forehead, and he winces and looks up at me as I giggle to myself closing the door.

“Who are you talking to?”

Hunter looks at me and his shoulders stiffen, I furrow my brows just as Mason, Jayce and Cooper walk in.

“Amber, you were on fire tonight, sweet pea!” Mase calls out racing up to me as I take a long gulp of the chilled water. The liquid soothing my dry, scratchy throat.

“Thanks, I was channelling,” I admit.

Mase’s smile falters and he nods. “Yeah, well it works for you.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him and kisses my temple.

“Okay let’s pack up our shit, grab the cheque, and get the fuck outta here,” Hunter says and I smile and nod.

 

***

 

As the bus takes off back toward our hotel, the hissing and clunking noises it makes helps me relax into the plush seats, knowing I’m heading back to see Charli, even though I know she’ll be asleep. Pulling out my phone from my bag, I want to check my messages to see if Clara has sent me anything. I’m missing Charli so any news on her would be great. I activate the screen to see a message received, but it’s not from Clara.

It’s from Brax.

My heart stops beating for a second then thuds back to life making my breathing catch. I’ve been waiting to hear from him, and now that I have I’m scared to see what it might say.

What if it’s that he never wants to see me again?

I clear my throat trying to dislodge the lump that’s formed in it. My body is visibly shaking and the ringing in my ears is drowning out the hum of the bus driving on the bitumen. I roll my head and tense my shoulders preparing myself to open the message. I’m a strong, independent, single mother. I can do something as simple as open a God damned text message.

I swipe the screen to unlock the message and take a deep breath steadying myself before I read.

 

Brax: Amber, please know that I am so sorry for what happened and that it has taken me so long to contact you. I’ve been hesitant to message because I thought you’d hate me, and wouldn’t want to hear from me at all. Hunter has been talking to me all night via text and said how upset you’ve been. It kills me that I hurt you, emotionally and especially physically. I never wanted either of those, you have to believe me. I’m going into a treatment program for PTSD. I didn’t realise that that was what I had. I made an appointment with a doctor today, and that’s what he said I’m suffering from. He said psychotherapy will help, plus they prescribed Prazosin to help with the terrors. I hope this will help with time. I want to be worthy of you, Amber. I want to be a man you can be proud of, not the person I am now. Again, I am so sorry for the damage I’ve caused. I hate myself more than you could ever know. Please just tell me you’re okay? 

 

My chest tightens at the thought of Brax going through all of this alone. I wish I were there to help him. I have a swarm of people here to support me, but poor Brax is going through this completely and utterly alone. My heart starts to race and I want Brax to know I’m here for him.

I hit reply.

 

Me: I’m fine Brax, and I don’t hate you, far from it. I just want you to be okay! I’m so worried about you, and I want you to know I’m here for you, no matter what. It makes sense now knowing you have PTSD, and I’m glad you’re getting help for it. How long will you be away for?

 

I hit send and bring my feet up onto the edge of the chair needing some comfort as I close myself into a ball. My eyes feel like they’re growing larger as I stare at the screen willing it to light up in front of me. Seconds later my phone vibrates, and the movement startles me, even though I was expecting it. I swipe the screen and read the text.

 

Brax: I’m staying away until I’m completely better. I can’t risk hurting you again…Even though not seeing you is slowly killing me. I miss you…

 

Swallowing the large lump in my throat and I stutter out a long sigh. I miss him too, desperately. I want him to know it too, so I decide to tell him. Even though I’m devastated that he’s going to stay away for so long.

 

Me: I wish I could see you. I miss you too, so much. Not having you at the concert tonight was scary and I miss having you around, not only for comfort but because I miss your company…and your kisses. I hope your therapy works quickly, I don’t know how long I can last without seeing you.

 

I hit send hoping that’s not too forward for me to say, but it’s the truth. He should know that I don’t blame him. That I’m not angry at him anymore, that I just want to be in his arms again.

 

Brax: I miss kissing you too, and it might sound strange, but I miss Charli. That little angel has worked her way into my heart. I’m staying at your house in Richmond in the guesthouse, I hope you don’t mind. I figured seeing as my stuff was here it was the right place to go? I only go to the main house to use the kitchen, but I can find somewhere else if you like?

 

I smile thinking of Brax in my house and wish I were there with him. Exhaling, I relax back into the seat and smile thinking of the time he walked in, in just his shorts looking completely lickable.

 

Me: No that’s fine, you can stay there as long as you like. Make yourself at home. I’m sure Charli misses you too…

 

I hit send and my smile falls to a frown, I don’t know if Charli will notice Brax’s absence, but I’m sure as hell going to.

 

Brax: I’ll be out of the house by the time you get back, though. I’ll make sure I’m not here when the tour finishes. I can’t be around you when you get back, even if I’m in the guest house. I know I’ll fall into old habits and want to watch you sleep, and I can’t risk falling asleep with you again. I won’t do it. I’m sorry, it has to be this way…

 

Gnawing on my bottom lip as it trembles, I nod slightly knowing he’s right even though I hate it. He would definitely give into me and stay with me until I fell asleep, and he’s fallen asleep with me twice so it could happen again. I can completely understand where he’s coming from.

 

Me: I understand. I don’t like it, but I understand Brax. But just promise me you’ll get better and come back to me?

 

I hit send and my heart starts to race in my chest hoping he wants this as much as I do. I know he has a lot to sort out, but all I want is him and I hope, in the end, all he wants is me.

 

Brax: I’m so sorry for everything, Amber. I’m going to make it up to you. I promise. xo

 

My lips turn up in a small smile because I know Brax, he’s a man of his word and if he says he’s going to do something then he’s going to try is damndest to do it.

 

Me: As long as you get better Brax, that’s all I need :)

Brax: I’m going to get better for you, Amber. I thought I could manage this on my own until you came along, now I have someone to fight this for. I will win this war, for you. How did the concert go?

 

I exhale thinking of the start of the concert and the debacle of my mood swing. Then the high of the actual performance. I swear the night gave whiplash to my already sore neck.

 

Me: After the initial shock of a chick going bananas at me over Aston, I performed my heart out and put all of my emotion into performing. I wish you could have been there to help me with the crazy…

 

I hit send and then instantly regret it. I tense up knowing that last sentence will make him feel bad. Wondering if I should type something to excuse that last sentence, a reply comes in.

 

Brax: I wish I could have been there too, but I need to get help and I can’t do that on tour. I am sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ve let you down in so many ways. I feel terrible.

 

Wincing and thumping my hand on the seat next to me at my stupidity, I didn’t mean to make him feel bad, that wasn’t my intention. “Idiot!” I murmur to myself as I shake my head and quickly type back a reply.

 

Me: Please stop apologising. I’m the one who should apologise, I’m sorry for making you feel bad. I didn’t mean to do that. Please stop beating yourself up about this. I forgive you. I’m not angry or upset. I just want you to get better. I miss you and I need you to be okay.

 

Hitting send, I internally berate myself for making Brax feel like shit. I can’t believe I did that. I’m a horrible person. I swallow the lump in my throat and wait impatiently for his reply text. I jump slightly when the vibration of the phone reverberates through my palm.

 

Brax: I’m just glad you’re talking to me. I thought I had lost you for good…

 

I furrow my brows and shake my head adamantly.

 

Me: No, no way. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be waiting for you when you’re ready. xo

 

I hit send meaning every word. I place my feet back down to the floor as the bus sways from side to side with the motion of movement.

 

Brax: Thank you. It means so much to me. I’m glad your night was okay. Sleep well, I have to do some yoga before bed. So I’ll talk to you tomorrow?

 

Bursting out laughing my eyes open wide looking at one word in particular. Yoga. Brax is doing yoga? My chest flutters with a giddy sense of excitement as I reply to him.

 

Me: You’re kidding, right? A strapping burly man like you doing yoga?

 

I hit send and giggle to myself wondering why he’s joking around about this.

 

Brax: I wish I were kidding! Unfortunately they say it’s supposed to help, and at this point to get you back, I’m willing to try anything.

 

My eyes open wide as my heart kicks into gear harder. I bite my bottom lip and furrow my eyebrows. Wow, I feel bad again for thinking he was kidding. He’s really trying for me. This guy is amazing.

 

Me: Wow. But let’s get one thing straight–you never lost me. I’m yours Brax, as soon as you’re ready. xoxo

 

I hit send hoping to make him feel better with my honesty. I hope he knows that I truly care for him and I want us to work.

 

Brax: That means so much to me. I can’t wait! Good night beautiful, sleep well. xo

 

Smiling, I inhale a deep breath and then sigh, telling him to sleep well would seem like a cruel joke, so I opt for the next best thing.

 

Me: Good night Brax. I’ll be dreaming of you. xoxo

 

Brax: Give Charli a cuddle from me. Until tomorrow. xo

 

The bus pulls up to a sudden stop and I lurch forward with the sudden breaking. My hands reach out for the seat in front of me stopping my head from smacking into it, as the door swings open with a whoosh.

“Please disembark,” Hunter calls out making the other guys laugh.

Placing my phone back in my bag now that I can hold myself still, I stand and start walking toward the exit. Mason quickly catches up and wraps his arm around my waist. I tense up having his hands on me, but it feels more friendly than sexual this time.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Looking up into his bright blue eyes, I smile and nod. “Yeah, I’m doing much better now thanks.”

“You need any company tonight?”

My eyes widen slightly at his tone, it’s suggestive and I think he means as something more than friends.

“Umm, no thanks, I’m fine.”

His smile falls and his eyes droop and his chest starts to rise and fall faster like he’s disappointed. The walk into the hotel is now filled with awkward tension as neither of us says anything and both our shoulders are tense. He’s looking down at the ground miserable like I’ve just killed his puppy.

Looking away from him, I walk into the elevator as Cooper and Jayce talk about one of the fan girls from tonight’s gig and how they could easily have banged her in the toilet stalls if they had wanted to. I roll my eyes at them and look over at Mase, who’s shuffling one foot back and forth on the ground like children do when they’re upset or being told off by their parents. I feel sorry for him, but I can’t let him think because Brax is gone he’s in with a chance now. Because he certainly isn’t. The elevator drops slightly and I reach out to the railing to grab it for support, but end up putting my hand on Mase’s. He looks at me and smiles, so I quickly pull it away as a ding sounds and the doors slide open. Quickly scurrying out of the elevator, I walk toward my room. I turn back to make sure Mase isn’t following me. He’s walking down the hall toward his room, and I breathe an instant sigh of relief.

Opening my door, I walk into the blurred hum of the television and to the slight snore of Clara. I giggle to myself as I close the door softly and walk down the small hall toward the bedroom. The sound of my footsteps must alert Clara that I’m back as she snorts loudly.

“What? Huh? Who’s there?” she calls out making me chuckle as I walk in placing my handbag on the bed.

“It’s just me.” She sits up dramatically and turns to face me wiping some excess drool from her chin.

“Oh dear, I must have dozed off. I’m beat, darling. Do you mind if I head off for the night?” Standing she walks over to me and I take her into an embrace.

“No, of course not. Thank you for watching Charli.”

“As always is my pleasure. Good night.”

Letting her go, I watch as she waddles out of the room looking like her back’s a bit stiff. I might have to invest in getting her a massage. When the door softly closes, I turn and walk into Charli’s room to check on her. I missed her tonight and I just need to look at her. I peer down at her sleeping face. Her eyes closed tightly as one arm is bent up by her face and the other cuddling into her lady bug. She looks so peaceful and I hope I can sleep as soundly as she looks right now. I lean in and caress her head softly. She feels like silk against my palm, and there’s no greater feeling in the world than my baby’s skin.

“Good night, lady bug. Mummy loves you.” Taking one last look at my sleeping angel, I memorize her face and walk out of her room and into my bedroom. I take off the scarf that I’ve been wearing all day and breathe a sigh of relief as the fresh air hits the sore and aching skin.

The feeling of clean pyjamas is the best feeling in the world, as I pull them on and climb into bed. My thoughts are all about Brax and how he’s coping tonight.

Will his dreams haunt him? Will he haunt mine? Will we get our dream ending together?

Only time will tell…