Chapter Twelve
Lindsey
Friday
I glanced down at my cell phone screen, wondering what was wrong with me that I felt a crushing sense of disappointment that I still hadn’t heard anything from Adam about this barbecue. What the hell did it matter? I’d offered to do it for free, I assumed there wasn’t any more payment involved, so why would I care about spending any more time with him? “…so they want to do a sequel to the film, only this time with me in the starring role…”
Oh right, of course. Denise. God, I loved the girl, but right now she was killing me with jealousy.
Sure, it wasn’t exactly a big Hollywood movie, it would likely end up going straight to DVD with barely anyone seeing it until one day it made it onto some awful cable channel, but still I couldn’t help the envy. She was getting somewhere with her career, I could see her acting making progression every single day, while I was still stuck in the same rut doing absolutely nothing. I hated it. I didn’t begrudge her any success, she’d worked damn hard for it, but I wanted it for myself.
Is this how it’s going to be now? I thought morosely to myself. All because I turned down the role getting nude? Is that a decision I’m going to regret forever more?
I didn’t want the money or the success necessarily. I just wanted to be able to make a decent living doing what I loved. The nest egg wouldn’t last forever – I needed to start taking action.
“I mean, it’s great isn’t it?” Denise giggled, oblivious to my inner turmoil. “How lucky am I? It can only be up from here. I don’t think this is going to be my big break necessarily, but it might lead to my big break.”
Bitter jealousy coiled like a snake right through my organs. I could almost feel it bursting through me, desperately wanting to explode. I can to really fight it to keep it inside. The last thing I wanted to do was put down my friend when she was in such a good place.
“That’s great,” I replied with a bright, fake smile. “I think I need to get on to Vivian some more, push her to search more roles out there for me.”
“You should go now,” Denise encouraged me. “I always find that a face-to-face meeting, especially an unexpected one, kicks a boot up their ass more than anything else. It proves that you’re serious and that you’re willing to do…you know, anything.”
We both knew that I wasn’t willing to do anything, the last few days had proven that, but with envious boiling hot blood pumping through my body making my heart pulsate in my ear drums, I did feel more willing to do things that I wouldn’t normally… including storming into Vivian’s office to demand she find me something. Or to at least ask nicely.
“Yeah, I think you’re right.” I grabbed my jacket and purse before I could change my mind. Maybe I didn’t look my absolute best, but that didn’t matter. This wasn’t an audition, only a meeting. “I’m going to see her now.”
“You go, girl!” Denise cried out, acting like a teenager. “Go and demand that she work harder for you. That’s what she’s there for, after all. Don’t take no for an answer and all that.”
I gave her a grateful smile and slammed the door closed behind me. As I raced down the stairs, I felt utterly filled with the positivity that Denise had just given me. I was motivated and driven, ready to grab life by the horns to make something positive happen. It wasn’t until I got outside into the cool fresh air that my good mood waned just a little bit. I wasn’t sure what changed exactly, it was just all of a sudden a sense of hopelessness grabbed hold of me.
How am I going to take action with Vivian, the sharpest, scariest woman ever, when I’m being so passive when it comes to Adam? And more to the point – why do I even care?
I couldn’t work it out – my motivation was a mystery even to me. I could have quite easily just chalked it up as a loss and forgotten about Adam, but there was something about that lonely, lost look in his eyes that drew me in and made me want to know more about him and his complex life that proved money didn’t ever buy happiness,
Maybe after I’ve done this, I’ll find a way to communicate with him again… maybe.
***
The subway ride over to Vivian’s sleek office only served to ramp up my nerves even further. Without Denise by my side, making me jealous and egging me on all in one go, I wasn’t quite so sure that I could do it. I wasn’t one for confrontation, so this felt utterly terrifying, but I did have to take action, there was no denying that. I had to do something before I ended up in a financial mess again. The sooner I started, the more comfortable I could feel.
Just do this, I convinced myself through deep breaths while I stared up at the towering office block in which Vivian worked. Her office might have only been one small organism in the whole thing, but the intimidation I felt inside was mammoth enough for that aspect not to matter. Just do it.
With one more deep, calming breath, I pushed my way through the front door and headed towards the elevator. All sorts of business and fashion types stood around me, chatting to one another at a million miles an hour, reminding me yet again that I didn’t belong.
I knew that I was a strange breed, a shy introvert who loved acting, but that was just who I was. I knew I was good, too. I knew that I could do it well or I wouldn’t have continued to pursue it. There was no way I would put myself through embarrassment every time if I didn’t know I could do it. I just had to push myself more – that was all.
Once the elevator stopped and everyone stepped inside, I felt crushed, like I couldn’t breathe. It certainly wasn’t the sort of environment where I could collect my thoughts and decide just what I wanted to say. If anything, it added to my levels of stress, especially as the crowd didn’t thin out at all. The more people that got out on each floor, the more piled in, so by the time we reached twenty two and I could finally escape, the relief was so intense that it almost floored me.
“Lindsey?” Patrick, Vivian’s very handsome assistant stared at me in surprise as I crashed through the office door. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today. I don’t think you’re on the appointment list.”
His eyes flickered to the screen and I could see him growing frantic that he’d made a mistake so I needed to intervene before he gave himself a heart attack. “Oh no, I was in the neighborhood, and I just wanted to drop in. You know, if Vivian’s available at all?”
So much for storming in and demanding to be seen!
“Oh right.” Still he looked bewildered, almost as if he couldn’t quite handle the intrusion. I felt bad. I never should have done this without calling first. Why did I let Denise talk me into this?
Just as I parted my lips to say something apologetic, Vivian burst out to see what the noise was all about. As soon as she spotted me her lips curled up into a slightly sinister smile. I suppose that was to be expected since I wrecked the last audition she got for me with my precious morals.
“Lindsey,” she said, smooth as silk. “Come in, let’s have a chat.”
As she twisted around and she swept back into the room, I followed her with trembling legs. Everything suddenly felt icy cold and wrong; I knew that I’d made a huge mistake by coming here. I wished that I could turn on my heels and run before it got too much. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. Instead, I took a seat in front of Vivian and nervously waited my comeuppance.
“I assume that you’re here to see me about work, since you let my good friend Ian down with the last role I got for you.”
I gulped down the thick guilty ball of emotion that lodged firmly in my throat. “Right,” I rasped uncomfortably. “Sorry about that.”
I braced myself, waiting for an onslaught, but somehow that didn’t come. It seemed that Vivian was even to angry at me to yell, which had to be the most rage-filled that she’d ever been around me. “Well,” she said coldly and calmly. “I don’t know what I can do for you at the moment with the sort of roles that you’re looking for.” She raked her eyes up and down my body, making me shift awkwardly in my chair. “The industry wants a much thinner figure for that sort of job.”
What? I wanted to scream in utter shock, but it seemed her words had rendered me speechless. I was very slim, almost too slim. I wished for a curvier figure like Denise’s. How the hell was it that she was getting leading roles, and I was being told that I was too big? The words coiled violently through my stomach, making me want to throw up. I never ever thought that I would hear those words, and they drained my entire body of color.
“I will see what I can do, of course,” Vivian continued, acting apologetic. “But I can’t make any promises at the moment.” She stood up, indicating that the meeting was over before I could even respond. I wanted desperately to say something, to yell and stand up for myself, but somehow the words weren’t quite there. I couldn’t seem to find the courage. “Now, if you’ll show yourself out…”
I wasn’t sure what happened next, my body seemed to snap into autopilot mode. I must have somehow got up, probably thanked Vivian, and walked from the building. It wasn’t until the fresh air hit my face that any senses came back to me at all, and even then it wasn’t until I heard my phone ringing that I realized where I was.
Without thinking much, I just wanted the noise to end, I grabbed the phone from my bag and hit answer. “Hello?” I all but whispered.
“Lindsey? It’s Adam.”
Oh fuck. Just what I needed: the call that I’d been waiting for to come now. This had to be karma punishing me for something. If only I knew what.
“Yes, Adam.” I tried my hardest to sound normal, although I wasn’t sure I pulled it off. If I really thought about it, he sounded a bit stiff, too. “How are you?”
“Good.” He paused for just a moment. “I know this is a bit last minute, but did you still want to go to the barbecue tomorrow?” I didn’t answer right away because the thought of socializing with those awful people again while I was in this fragile state of mind made me feel sick to my stomach. But Adam mistook my silence for something else. “I will pay you, of course. The same rate as last time.”
Maybe I should have refused the money, it was never supposed to be about that, but if Vivian was being difficult with me, then it could be forever until I got a job again. I needed to build up my nest egg if I could. In any way possible.
“Yes,” I heard myself say. “Yes, I will come.”