Chapter Twenty-Eight
June – Tuesday
As I flung my arm across the bed, expecting to feel Roy still there besides me, it was a real shock to discover that he was gone. I knew that he was a much earlier riser than me, but last time he woke me up. What was different about this time?
“Roy?” I called out loudly, knowing that my voice would carry through the whole apartment. I was pretty sure that even if he was in the shower, he would be able to hear me. “Roy, are you there?” But all I got was a resounding silence as a reply.
I stood up and padded through my home regardless, just wanting to be sure, but he was nowhere to be seen. I had known the second that I woke up without him by my side, that he was gone. I grabbed my phone and called him desperately, needing to know where he was, but he didn’t answer, leaving me a confused mess. Yesterday, he wanted to stay with me, he needed to be by my side. Now, he was just gone. It didn’t feel right.
I felt fidgety, like I couldn’t sit still again, that I couldn’t remain here by myself, so I knew that I needed to get out. I had the option of going to the office, which I really didn’t want or even need to do, or heading out to the Hangout, which was rapidly becoming my favorite place. I just needed to be around Hailey and the kids until I heard something from Roy. I’d drive myself insane otherwise.
I had the quickest shower known to man before tossing on the first clothes I could find and jumping in my car. I needed a shoulder to cry on, I needed to get out of my head, and the sooner I achieved that, the better.
As soon as I walked through the door of the Hangout and spotted Hailey in the reception area, tears started to stream down my face. It was almost as if a cork had been holding them in the entire time I was by myself, and now that I had my friend with me, I could set them free.
“Oh my God, what’s wrong?” she exclaimed, racing to my side and wrapping her arms tightly around me. “June, what is going on?”
When I couldn’t find the words to tell her in front of everyone else, she led me outside into the courtyard area where we could be alone. For a while, she just hugged me while I wept, but as soon as the tears started to subside and I managed to get my breath back, she asked me the same question once more.
“June, tell me what’s happening; it isn’t like you to get so upset. I’m racking my brains here, trying to work out what’s the matter, but I’m not coming up with anything.”
“I… Oh God, well, it all started yesterday,” I sighed deeply, allowing the horrifying memories to flood my mind once more. “I was at work, and Mike called us into the office, to tell us about some breaking news. Roy Larkin, arrested for murder.”
“What the fuck?” she squealed in shock. “Are you serious?”
“Haven’t you heard all about it? I’m sure it must be on the local news?” But she simply shook her head at that one. I knew that Hailey was often far too busy to keep up to date on what was going on in the world, so I wasn’t offended. “Well, he was arrested and held in jail. I guess they found some dead guy on his land or something, and they suspected that he killed him…”
“And, did he?” she had to ask. She gripped on to my arms as she said those words, staring at me with utter sympathy, like I’d fallen for the charms of a killer.
“No, he couldn’t have because he was with me.”
“Well, that’s a good thing, right? I mean, at least you know that he’s innocent, and you can help him to prove that.”
“But I didn’t,” I exclaimed, finally getting to the root of the issue. “I didn’t say anything because I was so scared of losing my job. I figured if my boss found out that I was sleeping with the guy I was supposed to be interviewing, then I would lose my job. I thought no one would ever want to hire me again.”
“Well, that’s reasonable,” she told me, shrugging her shoulders. “You have worked damn hard to get to where you are.”
“No, it isn’t. How can you even say that? I was going to put my career before his life. If they’d decided that he might well have done it, he could have got locked away and it would have all been my fault.”
The words were simply tumbling out of my mouth now, probably making very little sense. I just needed to get out all that was trapped inside of me. “What sort of person would that make me? I mean, have I always been this selfish? Have I always put myself before others?”
“I wouldn’t say selfish,” Hailey answered me in the most diplomatic way possible. “But you have always been very determined. I assumed that you would always put your career first, before anyone else, but it seems like this time, you haven’t.”
“What are you talking about?” I threw my hands above my head in frustration. “I did.”
“No, maybe not; you are considering Roy’s feelings and future now. That’s progress for you.”
I didn’t even know how to respond to that, mostly because it felt like a backhanded compliment, so I said nothing. I just allowed my head to hang low in sadness. Hailey had gone some way to making me feel a little better, but I wasn’t sure that I would ever be able to fully shake off this guilt.
All of a sudden, I felt a little tug on my shirt, which caused me to glance down in shock. I thought that we were alone out here, but it seemed like someone had snuck through the cracks.
“Ali,” I forced a smile on my face when I saw her, not wanting her to sense any of the sadness that I was experiencing inside. “How are you, sweetheart?”
“I saw you crying,” she told me quietly. “So, I brought you this.” She handed me a raggedy, old bear with a missing eye and grubby old blue sweats. “It’s Billy. Billy the Bear always makes me feel better and protects me when I feel sad. I want you to have him.”
I felt my heart melt at that, as I held the bear up to my chest to hug him tight. “I can’t believe that you would do that for me, Ali; you are too sweet.” I didn’t want to take her bear from her, but I knew that she would be more offended if I didn’t. “Thank you so much.”
I pulled her up onto my lap and hugged her tightly, feeling a rush of love washing over me. In one split second, a kind moment with Ali had made me feel better than anything else ever could.
“So, will you keep him?” she pulled back to look into my eyes. “You promise?”
“I promise,” I smile kindly at her. “And, thank you again.”
In that moment, I really felt like I knew exactly what I had to do to finally feel free of all these bad emotions inside. It was so obvious that I couldn’t believe I hadn't worked it out before.
At that moment, almost as if he could sense that I was thinking about him again, my phone started to ring and Roy’s name was plastered across the screen. “Oh my God, it’s him,” I told Hailey excitedly. “He’s finally calling me back.”
She took Ali inside while I answered, leaving me alone with the first person that I’d ever considered putting first in my life – a thought that was thrilling and terrifying in equal measures.
“Roy, are you okay?” I asked instantly. “What’s going on? Where are you?”
“Can I come back to your place again tonight?” he asked, without answering a single one of my questions. “Please? And can Tank come, too?”
“Of course… Of course you can. Roy, what’s happening?” I could tell by his tone of voice that something intense had happened, and I had a horrible feeling that it was related to his business partner, the guy he’d trained up, the one he assumed had murdered that guy. The last thing I wanted was for him to get into any more trouble over that damn death.
“I’m fine,” he insisted. “I’ll tell you all about it when I see you.”
“Okay, I’m headed back now. I’ll see you shortly.”
I had no idea what would happen when I saw Roy, but I was incredibly excited to see him again. I wanted to hold him in my arms, to know that he was safe, to hear what was going on with him. It was all of this not knowing that drove me insane. I had no idea where he’d been all day, never mind whether or not he was hurt. There were stories circulating about him in all of the news bulletins, I didn’t even need to buy a paper to know that much, and that left me scared for his safety.
“Hailey, I need to go,” I smiled at my friend. “But thank you for taking the time out to listen to me. I really do appreciate it.” Then I leaned down to look into Ali’s eyes. “And you have been especially helpful to me, little one, so thank you so much for that.”
As I threw my arms around her, I actually felt bad for her parents. Sure, they probably hadn't meant to die, although I didn’t know the full story of that, but they were gone, and they would never get to know this amazing girl. They wouldn’t be able to see her grow up, to witness the wonderful lovely adult that I was sure she would become. She was already so much more caring than any other child I’d spent time with, although admittedly that wasn’t many.
“Billy will keep you safe.”
“I promise you that I will be back to see you soon, okay,” I pulled back to smile at her. “In fact, you’ll start to see me so much that you’ll end up getting sick of me.”
“I don’t think so!” Ali grinned. “I like seeing you; you’re lots of fun.”
As I stood up to face Hailey, she had that look of bewilderment on her face again, as if she couldn’t quite believe the bond that I’d formed with Ali. “Incredible,” she shook her head, grinning at me. “Now don’t you forget that I am only on the other end of the phone; you call me if you need anything at all. I’m always here.”
“Thank you, Hailey, I really do appreciate that.”
I hugged her close, grateful to have such an awesome friend in my life. If I really had been so pigheaded with such a one-track mind, then I was glad that she’d stuck by my side. It was likely that she’d suffered in my desire to get ahead, too, such as her constant ignored requests for me to write about the kids at the Hangout.
Well, not anymore. I would be different now. I would learn from this experience, from this guilt, and I would be better in the future. I wouldn’t allow myself to get in a situation where culpability could consume me again.
But for now, I had to concentrate on getting back to Roy, on finding out what was going on with him. He needed me again, and I would do whatever I could to be there for him.