Chapter Thirty-Six
Olivia
My heart raced painfully against my rib cage, and the tears continued to stream down my face as I threw my things in my suitcase in a state of panic. I hadn’t quite planned out how I was going to make the journey back to New York yet, but that was something I could work out later. For now, I needed to go. I needed my escape.
This family was a million times better off without me; I couldn’t stick around any longer. If Mark hadn’t been with me then none of this would have happened. If we hadn’t been selfishly having sex and we’d put Justine first, just like I kept telling myself that we needed to do, then she wouldn’t have gone out on her own. We had acted recklessly, we’d been acting that way ever since we first fell into bed together, and we knew that it wouldn’t end well. The fact that Justine had run out on her own because she didn’t think any adults were there for her was terrible. Anything could have happened. I couldn’t even bear to think about how badly that could have gone. We were lucky this time, Justine had turned out to be safe, but next time could be a whole other story.
“Oh God, oh God, oh God,” I muttered to myself, in a state of terror. “Oh God.”
I just couldn’t be around Mark anymore; this had proved it. How many times had I warned myself to keep away, yet I hadn’t done it? I couldn’t be near him and not fall into lust, and we couldn’t risk it again. I would have to take one of those other jobs, live with a different family, and never look back. It was the only way.
My heart sunk as I glanced around my bedroom in the villa, realizing everything that I would be losing. If only I had been stronger, I would be able to keep my relationship with this wonderful little girl now. I also wouldn’t have this shattered heart to contend with. I was an idiot; I had fallen for my boss, the one man I could never have, and now, just as I knew would happen: I would get nothing. I wanted to slap myself for it.
The New York dream that I had clung to my whole life now felt meaningless; it had a hollow tint to it. I still wanted to be there, to live the life that I’d always wanted to, but it wouldn’t be the same. Knowing that Mark lived in the same area as me and I couldn’t have him destroyed me. It changed everything. If only there was another city in the world that could hold the same appeal for me. I would have been gone already.
I spun rapidly as I heard a small, timid sounding knock on the door. That was the knock of a young girl which only meant it could be Justine. I needed to remain strong even with her looking at me like that.
“I’m so sorry, Olivia,” she said to me quietly, her voice all sad and depressed. “I didn’t mean to run.”
“Oh, I know, you said that to me on the way back. It’s fine.” I shook my head. “As long as you’re okay.”
I opened up my arms and waited for her to jump into them. She moved slowly towards me, almost as if she felt hesitant, but when she finally fell against me, she rested her head against my chest. My eyes fell closed, and I held her as if it was my last time, which since I was in the process of going, it probably was. I felt terrible. I hated that I was just another person to let this young girl down, but what else could I do? I had no other choice.
“Why are there bags?” Justine asked, her voice muffled against me. “What’s going on?”
I pulled her back to look her in the eyes. I hadn’t exactly planned what I was going to say, but I owed her an explanation. She hadn’t really done anything wrong. Yes, she had run off, but that was her just vying for the attention she so desperately needed; she didn’t deserve me to go without telling her why.
“I need to get back home,” I told her thickly. “You and Dad need some time alone.”
“No, no, no.” She leaped back and shook her head at me. “You can’t leave. We need you here in Hawaii.”
I sucked in a deep breath and prepared myself to say the next part. “No, I don’t just mean in Hawaii, sweetie. I mean I need to go. You and your dad really don’t need me anymore. You need to be together.”
Justine clung to my arm so hard that her fingers dug into my skin. It pinched, but I bit down on my bottom lip to keep the pain inside. “We don’t want to be without you, Olivia. We want you with us all the time.”
That’s the problem, I reminded myself sadly. I’m too much of a distraction; I always have been.
I stood up, and I grabbed my bag, needing to remain as strong as possible. I had made my decision now; I needed to stick to it no matter what. Going back and forth had led me to be in this mess in the first place. I needed to get away before I allowed this family to get under my skin once more.
“Olivia, please don’t go.” Justine sounded like she was about to cry again. “I don’t understand.”
I leaned down and held onto her shoulders so I could look her in the eye. “Sweetie, sometimes adults have to do things that don’t make a lot of sense. I know this isn’t easy, but trust me, it’s for the best.”
She stared at me, her pupils dancing as the emotion got the better of her. As the tears swam down her cheeks, she turned and ran away from me, leaving me utterly alone in my bedroom and even more confused than ever. I was doing the right thing by going; I had already justified that to myself, so why did I now feel like the worst person in the world? I guess I just had to be the person to take all the hate and blame. Justine was going to need to someone to take all of this out on, and it couldn’t be her father since he was the one who would still be around.
This won’t hurt forever, I reminded myself. Soon I’ll be somewhere else, working for another family. All of this will be a distant memory, and it won’t hurt any longer. I just need to get through this now.
“What’s going on?” Mark demanded as he burst into the room, his eyes flaming with anger. “Why is Justine saying that you’re going all of a sudden? I don’t understand what’s going on…”
His words trailed off as he saw my suitcase all packed and he shook his head sadly. Disappointment flooded him, and I found myself feeling guilty all over again. I was trying so hard to do the right thing; why did it feel so wrong all the time? This rollercoaster of emotions was terribly uncomfortable.
“I think you and Justine need some time alone, that’s all. After what’s happened…”
“That’s not what you said, is it? Justine said you are leaving us forever.” I looked away from him; it was much harder to say to him that I needed to go. “Oh, well, that’s just great, that is. You’re abandoning us.”
As he tossed his hands in the air in frustration, I wanted to scream in anger. Why couldn’t he just understand why I was doing this? There had to be a logical part in his brain that could see the point of this.
“It isn’t like that. I’m not going because I want to, I’m going because it’s better for Justine.”
“Justine needs you here!” Mark exploded. “It’s better for her if you are around.”
“She doesn’t need me.” I shook my head rapidly. “She needs you. Not me. If you hadn’t been so preoccupied with me, then none of this would have happened. She wouldn’t have run away.”
Mark’s head fell into his hands, and I could see the dismay across his face. “Look, what happened, happened. It was unfortunate, but that wasn’t because of me and you. It was because she wanted to do her work.”
“She hadn’t done her work because of us. If we’d focused on her more…”
“You are good for Justine! She doesn’t want you to leave.”
“She was crying out for attention!”
“She is acting like any kid does. Are you telling me you never did anything wrong?”
“Not like that, no! I didn’t run away.” I shook my head to highlight my point. “I wouldn’t.”
“You’re lying! You’re just saying that because you want to go. You’re done with me. It’s an excuse.”
“It isn’t like that; you know it’s not.” I tried to reach out to him, but he was out of reach. “It’s never been like that. I don’t want to leave, but it’s for the best. You know that, right?”
We were both yelling at one another, screaming our points of view without really listening to each other. Mark’s face was red; my breaths were panting and ragged; it was kind of a nightmare, to be honest. All I wanted was for him to try and see my side of things. He was so fucking stubborn!
“We can’t keep sleeping together.” Finally, I went for the jugular. “Especially when it’s because I’m ‘just there.’” I still hadn’t let go of those words yet. “It isn’t wise for any of us.”
Mark stared at me like I’d slapped him in the face. “Are you serious? Is that what you think? Can’t you see that I need you now as well? This isn’t just for Justine; I want you here too. You know that, right?”
I shrugged, pouting out my bottom lip, almost as if I had reverted back to being a bratty teenager. “I don’t know, I mean, you did say to me that you just wanted to have sex because I was there.”
Mark stepped back from me, his expression twisted up as if he was horrified by me. He didn’t recognize me anymore, and I didn’t see who I was anymore either. I felt wild and crazy, like I’d lost my freaking mind,
“I don’t know what to say to you anymore; I really don’t.” He waved his hands in the air as if he was shaking me off. “I can’t keep having this conversation. It’s ridiculous. If you want to go, go; I can’t stop you. You’re clearly going to do whatever the hell you want to regardless of what I say, so just do it. But we’re doing the wildlife report tomorrow, and you promised my daughter that you would help her. The choice is yours.”
As Mark left my room and I found myself alone once more, I fell to the ground; my knees literally gave out from underneath me, and my hands hit the floor. The sobs raced through my body, racking me violently. I couldn’t work out what to do for the best; this was hell. My heart wanted to stay, to be with Justine and Mark, to continue on trying to make this messy situation work, but my head thought it wasn’t wise. My head was still on that plane, trying to escape. Maybe it was time to go back home… my home wasn’t quite sold as yet. I could stop it if I wanted to. I didn’t want to, but it would be much better than facing the music, wouldn’t it?
Oh, for goodness sake, I couldn’t think like that: no way. That just wasn’t an option. I couldn’t run away.