Chapter Five
Mark
Wednesday
I rubbed the heavy sleep from my eyes as I rose the following morning, my brain still filled with work just as it always was. It was very hard for me to switch off when I had twenty-four hour connectivity. More often than not, I sat up way into the night catching up on emails. I would always justify it to myself that it would make my workload lighter the next day, even though it never did, but really, I simply struggled to get any rest. When Michelle died, it got bad; now that my mother was gone, it would only get worse. I would always be tired.
My body felt weighty as I struggled off the bed, but I didn’t let that stop me. There were many things that I was supposed to do yesterday with the new nanny, and I never got around to it. I wanted to discuss Justine’s schedule with her, check up on her rules and practices, tell her about the therapy session that I had set up, and now I didn’t have much time. It wasn’t long until I had to go to Tokyo. I’d fucked up again in my eagerness to get to work. Yesterday, the office had seemed so much more important, and I was coming to regret that a lot.
I made my way to the bathroom and flicked the shower on. The hot jets of water used to clear my brain and help me get relaxed for the day, but more recently I didn’t think anything could calm me down. It was all stress.
Once out the shower, with muscles just as tense as when I stepped inside, I checked through my suitcase once more. My housekeeper, Rosa, who always went above and beyond to help me, had packed for me again, but the control freak inside of me needed to know that I had everything. Important meetings were going to happen in Japan, and I absolutely needed to have everything with me. I wouldn’t have time to get stuff.
As I rooted through everything, satisfied that it was all going to be okay, my cell phone beeped with another flurry of emails. Instantly, I grabbed it; I couldn’t ever seem to let it go, and it seemed that because my inbox had been so full it took a while for this lot to come through. Some of it was from yesterday. Including one from my very tech savvy seven-year-old girl who didn’t usually contact me through email unless I was away. I smiled to myself at the subject line ‘I really have a problem here!!!’ and I clicked to open it.
‘Dad, who is this woman in our house? Why is she trying to feed me snacks? It’s weird.’
I read and re-read the text before bursting into laughter. Of all the things she could have complained about, she wanted to moan to me that Olivia wanted to feed her… that was something I was happy about.
‘Sweetheart,’ I typed back. ‘You have to eat; you know that. You also know that I’m going to Tokyo, so I need someone to look after you. It’ll be fine. I’ll send you my schedule, and we can talk when we get back xxx’
She wouldn’t see it until after I left, so I didn’t have to worry about face-to-face backlash. Maybe that wasn’t the best way to view it, but I couldn’t help myself. It was just the logical way that my brain worked. I could deal with it later. Work still always had to come first. If I could push everything else back, I would be fine.
I padded into the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep from my eyes, and I actually jumped when I saw Olivia already there. I guess I was expecting to have my usual morning coffee in absolute silence. But things were different.
“Oh, good morning,” I said sleepily. “How are you doing, Olivia? I’m glad I caught you this morning.”
“Yes,” she replied coyly. “After you left, I started to think about all the things we didn’t discuss.”
“I know.” I nodded gravely. “And I’m sorry about that, especially as I’m going to Tokyo for business today.”
“Today?” Was it me, or did she pale a little bit? “Okay, that’s fine. Not a problem.”
“So, I have the contract for you.” I slid it across the kitchen counter. That was where I left it last night when I got home after midnight for her to see. “You can sign it whenever you want. I know that we won’t be able to talk about her schedule and your ideas fully yet, but maybe that’s a good thing. What I can do is send you her daily itinerary, and mine too so you’ll know when you can contact me when I’m away, then you can follow that and see what you think. Then we can implement some changes when I get back. Does that suit you?”
Olivia poured me some coffee from the pot that she’d already made. “Yes, okay, that sounds good.”
I opened up the calendar app on my cell phone, and I emailed it to her, plus Justine’s schedule. Luckily, I had Olivia’s email address from when she first sent me her application. Once I was done, I glanced up.
“Do you want an omelet?” Olivia asked me with a shy smile. “I’m just about to make some if you like eggs?”
Oh, wow. I couldn’t remember the last time that I’d been made breakfast. “That sounds awesome, thank you.”
I could have grabbed something from the airport, or even on the way, but this sounded more appealing.
Olivia hummed as she cooked, and she swayed her hips which drew my eyes to her ass. I didn’t mean to, but I was a red-blooded male with needs. I couldn’t help staring for just a moment. In the end, I had to drag my eyes away. I didn’t want this sweet girl, who worked for me, to catch me staring inappropriately.
“So, you don’t have anything to suggest now?” I asked, just to say words. “Justine has been okay?” I already knew that she hadn’t been, judging by the email my daughter had sent me, so I continued to talk without giving her a chance to answer. “I hope she’ll be okay when I’m in Tokyo; I don’t think she likes it much when I leave. There isn’t any intention of me and Holden being there for a very long time, so it should be fine.” I sighed, unable to give in to the silence. “I do love Japan though. One day, I hope I can take her with me.”
Olivia didn’t say anything; she was actually coming across as a very quiet person. Or maybe I was just really chatty; I wasn’t sure. I certainly hadn’t been known as a talker before, but maybe I was. I certainly couldn’t think of any reason why I would all of a sudden be acting like a freak.
“Oh, this lovely,” I announced as Olivia put a plate of food in front of me. “Thank you.”
I took a bite and groaned because it was absolutely delicious. This girl could seriously cook! I wanted to ask her where she learned but Olivia had high walls around her. She had told me plenty about herself but she was keeping all the deep things away from me. I wasn’t equipped to break them down just yet. Maybe once she’d worked for me for a while, I would be able to ask her more, but I couldn’t right now.
“Oh, thank you.” Olivia glanced down at her cell phone as an email came through. “I have the schedule here. Wow, Justine has a lot of after-school activities. How do you keep up with it all?”
I smiled thinly, not liking the way the reply to that question would make me feel. “Oh, well her driver takes her from place to place, and because I work a lot, the people who take care of her…” I trailed off, ashamed of myself. I knew about the schedule, I could see it whenever I wanted, but I didn’t really know.
“I see, yes.” Olivia really did seem to understand, and she didn’t look impressed. “I’ll get used to it.”
A thick silence clung to the air and I did everything that I could not to fill it. I didn’t want to act like a weirdo by babbling on all the time. I’d already spoken far more than I usually would in the mornings and it didn’t do me well. Olivia was making judgments about me all the time, and I wanted her impression of me to be positive.
“So, erm, you can contact me,” all of a sudden, I burst out, unable to hold it in any longer, “whenever you want while I’m away, but because of the time difference, I might not be able to get back right away. I’ll leave you a number to call if there are any real emergencies though. I don’t want you to feel alone here.”
Olivia gave me a bright, grateful smile. Much as all of this was a very uncertain territory, I felt good about my decision. I didn’t regret hiring Olivia in the rapid way that I did. I still held onto the feeling that she would be good for Justine. Hopefully for the both of us. We needed someone good to help us get by.
“Oh my God.” My eyes suddenly caught a glimpse of the clock. I’d gotten so lost in talking to Olivia that I forgot that I actually had somewhere I needed to be. “I have to get going. The flight leaves soon.”
I caught a glimpse of panic in Olivia’s eyes, but she quickly covered it up. She would be fine; I had confidence in her. I had to anyway; I really didn’t have any choice. If I didn’t leave soon, I’d fuck everything up. Holden would kick my ass for not being on time, especially when tardiness was my one pet peeve. He would never stop reminding me that I was the one who had made a real mess of things.
“Oh, right, okay. Well, good luck in Tokyo. Have a great time. I will… keep you up to date.”
I paused for a second and me and Olivia maintained eye contact. I wondered what was going on behind her eyes, just as she was probably wondering about me. This was odd; it wasn’t like leaving my mom with Justine.
Eventually, I had to pull away, I needed to grab my stuff, so I raced to my room to grab the suitcase. While in there, I stared at the photograph of me, Justine, and Michelle for a few moments. I had the family photo up, but I didn’t usually take the time to examine it. Today though, I felt like I needed to see her for just a moment. I just wanted to look at my wife’s face and think about what it would be like if she hadn’t gone out that night.
For a split second, I got a gut punch sensation of missing her, but my body immediately recovered. I straightened myself out, reminding myself that it didn’t do me any good to succumb to feelings. I needed to keep them shut down, I needed to forget about them. I needed to be strong. For myself and everyone else.
Think about work, I reminded myself. That’s always a good distraction. Think about Tokyo.
I smartened myself up and pushed it all to the back of my mind. I caught glimpse of myself in the mirror and nodded determinedly to my reflection. I would catch my flight, get the hell out of America, and then it would be even easier to forget about it all.
“Okay, Olivia,” I called out through the apartment as I raced away. “I have to go. See you soon.”
“Liv,” she called back quietly. “You can call me Liv. And yes, have a good time.”