Chapter Thirty-Four
Lindsey
(One week later)
Friday
Still nothing. How can there still be nothing?
I felt like I’d spent the last week staring at my phone more often than ever before. I was so desperate for Adam to respond to one of my messages or calls that it was killing me. Every apology, every explanation, every single word had gone ignored. It was driving me crazy. It seemed that he really did want me out of his life, after all.
“Everything alright?” Denise asked me cautiously. “You look a little down.”
“Just…” I held up my cell phone to show her. “Still nothing. It’s killer.”
I wanted to ask her if Max had said anything to her, but since she hadn’t mentioned him in a week, I wasn’t sure what was happening. Maybe she was keeping quiet so as not to hurt my feelings, or maybe things had fizzled out again. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to know.
“So what are you going to do? I suppose there isn’t much you can do if he isn’t speaking to you.” Denise gave me an intensely sympathetic look. “I know it’s hard, but maybe you should think about moving on. Find someone new to focus your attention on.”
In a way she was right, but I wasn’t about to move on romantically. Not when my fragile heart still loved the man who definitely didn’t love me back. There was no way I could even consider another man, it made me shrivel inside to even think of. But, I did want to focus my attentions elsewhere. I needed something to distract me from my silent phone.
“I want to get back to work,” I told her quietly. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I can’t rest on my laurels for too long. I know I have the nest egg to settle back on, but I really want to get back to it.”
“Oh well, that’s good.” Her face broke into a smile as she stepped away from me. “I think that’ll be really good for you. At least that way, you can go into it now with options. You don’t have to take any job that doesn’t feel right to you.”
I nodded in agreement. I didn’t want to focus on the money side of acting anyway, I just needed someone else’s skin to step into for a while. “Yeah, I think I’ll go and see Vivian today. See what she can find for me. I think I need to make things up a bit with her, anyway. I don’t want to be fallen out with my agent.”
“Yeah. That sounds like something positive you can do. I think you should.”
I moved into my bedroom to get dressed and as I did I put in a call to Vivian’s office to prepare her for my arrival this time. I couldn’t go in all guns blazing again. It didn’t exactly work out for me last time, I ended up getting told I was overweight, so I needed to begin this meeting on a much better footing.
Once I felt comfortable in the skinny jeans and tee shirt I was wearing, I grabbed my keys and left the apartment. On the walk to the subway station, I tried to find my inner fire or maybe just some positivity, but it wasn’t there. I’d been like an empty husk for a week, and that sensation just wasn’t going anywhere. Maybe Denise was right, maybe I shouldn’t have gotten involved in family drama – it didn’t work out. I wasn’t sure how I would have felt had my family been alive and Adam done that to me, but I guessed that was just one of those things I wouldn’t ever find out.
Maybe this was all just supposed to be a learning curve, maybe Adam wasn’t ever the one – he was just someone for me to learn from. It was just a shame that everything with him felt like it was all I’d ever needed.
I need to forget about Adam, I told myself crossly. He’s gone now, and he’s made it very clear that he’s never coming back. This is what I need to do. I have to concentrate on something else.
I stared out the window into the blackness of the subway tunnel, trying to think of anything but Adam, but there was only him…
Is it always going to be this way? Will I ever recover from this?
***
“So, you came back then,” Vivian asked with a smirk. “A part of me thought that you wouldn’t. Seems you’re made of tougher stuff than I thought.”
I bit the inside of my mouth to stop myself from arguing. Vivian wanted a reaction from me, and I wasn’t going to give it to her. It was time to take some of my own advice and to be the bigger person. I just had to breathe calmly to sort myself out.
“I just want to start working, Vivian. I don’t want to be out of the game for too long.”
“Hmm. Well, it has been a long time.” She tapped her chin in mock thought. “But I suppose I might have something for you. It might not comply with all your rules, though.”
My heart sunk, but I tried my hardest not to let my discomfort show on my face. I wrapped my fingers tightly around the bottom of the chair so I could squeeze out some of my frustrations while I kept the bright, fake smile on my face. “Please, tell me more.”
“It’s a period piece. A small budget movie about a young girl trying to defy her father’s wishes for her to marry a Duke who’s known for being a cruel beast. I think there’s a rumor that he killed his first wife, but he’s very rich so her father doesn’t care.
“Okay…that doesn’t sound too bad.” I could already feel it, even before it came. There had to be something about this job that I wasn’t going to like. My back straightened as my spine stiffened, but still I kept the smile there as much as I could manage.
“There’s some partial nudity in it, though. Nothing like the other audition I sent you to, but it’s there. Do you want to see a script?”
This was my last chance with Vivian, I could just sense it. The problem with agents was also that being blacklisted from one meant being blacklisted from them all. I wasn’t sure that I had the talent to keep on going on without her. Plus, maybe a little but of nudity wouldn’t be too bad. I certainly had to give it a try.
“Sure, yes please. I’d like to see the script.”
“Read it quick, though,” she insisted. “I need to know by the end of the day if you want to do it. This is the sort of thing that people will move very fast on.”
I took the papers from her and scanned my eyes rapidly over the pages. At a first glance it appeared to be a very well written script. I’d seen plenty of sloppily designed speech before but this looked amazing. “Okay, great. I’ll take it home and have a look over it. Then I’ll call you later on and give you my answer.”
Vivian leaned back in her seat and she gave me a curious look. “There’s something different about you today, Lindsey. You aren’t the nervous butterfly that I’m used to, or the crazy bull in a china shop. You look like maybe you’ve grown up a bit.” She snapped her fingers loudly. “Oh my God, I’ve figured it out. You’re in love.”
Nope, I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t sit here and have this conversation. I needed to hastily make my exit. I scraped my chair back and pushed myself into a standing position all while keeping my embarrassed eyes very firmly fixed on the floor.
“I don’t know what you mean. I think it’s the first one. I’ve just grown up a bit. I think I better get going now. Thank you, Vivian. Goodbye.”
Her cackle followed me all the way down the hallway as I stomped out of her office. I didn’t want her to be able to see right through me, but it seemed that she could. She knew that I was in love…not that it had gotten me very far. The way I felt at the moment it would be the first and only time, as well. I didn’t ever want to feel this sheer agony again, it was horrible.
Don’t think about Adam… I thought with each and every step. Think about being… I glanced at the script. Lucy Roberts instead. Forget about Lindsey, just be her.
As I walked back to the subway station I couldn’t help but think that a little bit of nudity would have saved me from all this mess. If I’d just done the part in the first place, I never would have met Adam, then I wouldn’t be in this tangled mess right now. I’d probably be on my way to some sort of fame and fortune right now…an idea that was much more appealing.
***
My eyes scanned over the page again and again. I read the scene with the nudity in until my eyes felt like they might bleed. I couldn’t decide whether or not it was something I wanted to do and it was killing me. My nipple would be on screen – for only a moment, but that was enough. That pushed everything that I’d set up for myself away, but maybe that was what I needed. Maybe I needed to forget about my rules just for now. I also couldn’t forget that this would be my last chance.
“You’re frowning at that piece of paper really hard,” Denise teased as she lifted her eyes out of her cell phone. “What is it? The answer to life?”
“I wish,” I chuckled. “It’s just another audition.” I pressed my palm up against my forehead in distress. “I think this might be my last chance with Vivian, as well, which means if I don’t go for it, I might have to consider another career entirely.”
“Oh God, that sounds serious. So what is it?”
“A regency romance part. A good one really, but there is a bit of nudity.”
“Ooh…” Denise steeled herself. I could sense that I was in for a bit of a lecture. “Is sticking to your morals more important than acting? I’m not judging, just asking. I think that’s what you need to work out. If you don’t want to pursue it, then maybe you do need to look at another career options. Is there anything else you want to do?”
I shrugged half heartedly. I couldn’t imagine myself doing anything else in the world, and I didn’t think that I had the talent for it, either. Acting was all I knew, it was all I’d ever done. I just couldn’t see any other path for me. It was worth a whole lot to me, but was it worth this?
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know what’s best for me anymore. I think I might just be a little bit of a mess.”
Tears welled behind my eyes and before I could stop it one splashed down my cheek. All the overwhelming emotions that I’d pushed down while I dealt with all of this came flooding to the surface and flew out of me.
“Oh, Lindsey, don’t be sad.” She slung one arm over my shoulder. “It isn’t that bad, there’s always a way out. Why don’t you just go to this audition then you can see a bit better. That’ll give you a better indication if this is something you want to do or not.”
I couldn’t help but nod, that actually sounded like a smart idea. I would call Vivian, tell her I was going to give it a go, then either got for it or rule it out there and then. I couldn’t make an informed decision until I at least tried.
“When did you get so wise, Denise?” I teased. “Thank you. That’s what I’ll do.”