CHAPTER ELEVEN
Ellie
The next day, I dressed still feeling like my life had been turned upside down. I had slept for almost twelve hours, yet I felt exhausted. My plan was to go to Steven’s office and talk to him. The wedding was a little over twenty-four hours away. The timing of all of this was horrible. My life went from perfectly planned out to a heaping mess in the matter of a day.
When I got to Steven’s office, his secretary informed me that he was in a meeting. I waited for an hour in his office until he was done. He came in, surprised to see me. He kissed my cheek and took a seat next to me on the couch in the corner. I had repeated what I wanted to say to him the whole time I sat there. But as I opened my mouth, something else came out.
“I’m not ready,” I said, not meeting his eyes. He let out a heavy, aggravated breath.
“Ellie,” his tone had an edge to it that made me feel small. “It’s the day before, what is it you expect me to do now?” I shrugged feeling stupid.
“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“It’s just cold feet, babe,” he said after a long moment. I got the feeling he was trying to calm down before he spoke again. “Shake it off and it will all be fine.”
“No.” I shook my head as I spoke, “I just… I’m not ready yet.”
“Did you stop to think of how this is all going to look?”
“I’m not saying that we can’t get married. I’m saying that I don’t feel tomorrow is the right time,” I said unsure of where I was going with all of this.
“Okay.” He sighed. “If this is what you want. I’ll have my secretary call and cancel everything.”
“Thank you,” I said as I ducked my head a little more. I stood up and he walked me to the door.
“If we do this, there is no going back, Ellie,” he said as he firmly grabbed my arm. “This will not look good for your father. Have you even told him what you are asking of me?” I shook my head.
I hadn’t thought about that. I hadn’t really come in here with the thought of canceling the wedding, so of course, I hadn’t even thought about the bomb I was setting off. Dad would be livid, but I hoped he’d understand. I was his daughter after all. He would want what was best for me, right?
“You need to talk to him. I hope he can talk you out of this crazy idea of making a publicity nightmare for us.” He sounded like he was scolding a child. “If I don’t hear from you in two hours then I will cancel everything.” He let me go and shut the door as soon as I stepped over the threshold.
I didn’t talk to my dad. Deep down I knew how it would go over. I knew that he wouldn’t let me back out. He would tell me that I made a commitment and that I needed to follow through. Instead, I went home. I didn’t talk to my mom. I didn’t call Steven. It was done and I knew I would have to deal with the fallout. But it felt like the right thing to do, and there was no going back.
As I expected, my dad was very unhappy. So unhappy that he left for a week. He said he had some business to attend to, but I knew better. The night I told him, he wouldn’t even look at me. And mom wasn’t much better. She didn’t speak a single word to me for almost two weeks. Neither of them asked me why. Neither of them cared if I was alright. I shouldn’t have expected it any other way. But some part of me hoped at least one of them would wrap their arms around me and see that something was off. That something was incredibly wrong. But, no. My dad was too angry at having to ‘clean up my mess’ with the media to even have any concern for me.
I didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy. I kept my picture and vitamins hidden in my purse. I wasn’t sure how long I could keep it a secret, but I knew I wasn’t ready to add to the pile of mess I had already created. I felt like I could breathe a little easier with the wedding canceled for now. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was the right thing to do, even if I was being shunned by the people closest to me.
Being pregnant with Diesel’s baby didn’t help with trying to push him out of my mind. If anything, he was there more. Like all the time, more. I wondered what he was doing. I wondered how to find him. I wondered how he would take the news.
I began to write down everything I remembered about him. The way he talked, stood, smiled. Any little detail I wrote down. Partly for myself and partly for the baby. If he didn’t want anything to do with his kid, then it was on me to make sure his kid knew about him. I wanted this baby to know the caring man I’d seen that night.
I wasn’t sure why I felt Diesel so deep in my soul. It wasn’t like we had some crazy, in-depth conversation. I didn’t spill my whole life story, nor did he. But there was something that dug in deep inside of me and held on. Was it the fact that he was my first and I had that dreamy first love that most girls got? Maybe. But more than that, it was the fact that I felt free for once in my life. I felt light and special. When he looked at me, he seemed to see past the exterior. He saw me; flaws, insecurities, and all. And he didn’t make me feel bad about any of it. He wanted me. Me of all people. Maybe it was just in that moment, but he still wanted me. He gave me everything and he held me through it all.
But then again, maybe I was being a silly girl with a hopeful imagination. I guessed I would never know, as I had no idea if I would ever see him again.
I didn’t see Steven for a month. I knew he needed time to cool down. He told me two nights after I canceled the wedding and walked out of his office, that he needed space. So, I gave it to him. I had no right to demand anything from him after what I had done.
But after that, we fell back into our routine of seeing each other two days a week. We didn’t have sex, but that was mostly because I did everything to avoid it. I’m sure he noticed, however, he didn’t seem to care or make any effort to try.
To say that my life had become complicated and scary would have been an understatement. I was lost. I was terrified. And I had no idea what to do. I wished I had someone to talk to. I wished more than anything, that I knew where Diesel was.
Needing to clear my head, I went for a drive. The sun was just starting to set and the harsh lights of the city were taking over. I drove around for hours replaying my life over and over in my head; trying to figure out the part where it went wrong. Not that it mattered, it wasn’t like I had a time machine that could take me back to that point. I couldn’t fix it. All I could do was figure out how to deal with it. But I kept thinking if I could find that one point where everything went sideways, that I would have the answers to find my way back. But back to what? The life that had been laid out for me was quickly becoming the one I didn’t want.
I didn’t want to marry Steven. I didn’t want to be his perfect, dutiful wife. I didn’t want to live a life of having horrible sex with someone that I had lukewarm feelings for.
It was at that moment that it all hit me. None of this—dating Steven and getting married—had been my idea. I had simply floated in the breeze agreeing to it all.
I found myself driving the city limits, the very motel that I had shared with Diesel just a few miles ahead. Maybe this was a sign. I had a clear direction now. I was going to look for him, starting with that bar and motel.
I pulled off and parked in the bar parking lot. I took a few deep breaths before I got out. Opening the door, I saw that it wasn’t all that busy. The bartender working wasn’t the same one that was there the night of my bachelorette party but I decided to try anyway. This guy was big and had a very thick, but well-kept, beard. He watched with a silent stillness as I walked up to him.
“Hi, um, I’m looking for someone I met here a couple of months back,” I started. I waited for him to say something and after a few beats of awkward fidgeting, I continued. “His name was Diesel. Like a foot taller than me. Big. Lip piercing and lots of tattoos.” His eyes narrowed at me and he crossed his massive arms over his bulging chest. I wanted to shrink away. I knew right then I was asking questions that I probably shouldn’t, though, I wasn’t sure why.
“Sounds like a lot of people that come in here,” he said, his voice deep and his tone blunt. If he knew something he wasn’t going to tell me. I had a huge feeling he knew exactly who I was talking about. There was an odd look in his eyes when I said Diesel’s name. “Sorry, I can’t help you out.” He turned away from me.
“Wait, please,” I said shakily. “It’s really important that I find him.” I hoped my pleading, wide eyes would help.
He turned back to me but didn’t say anything. After a long while, he sighed and leaned on the bar.
“I can’t help you,” he said in a regretful tone. “Even if I could, it’s probably best that someone like you stay far away from anyone who would come in here.” I swallowed hard and nodded.
“If-if you see him, tell him Ellie was looking for him,” I said before turning and all but running out of the bar.
I didn’t hear his warning. Well, I did, but I chose to ignore it. I drove next door to the motel. I pulled around back and a jolt of excitement hit me immediately. His bike was there parked out front of the same room. Well, I assumed it was his bike. It looked like it. But then again, I was no motorcycle expert. For all I knew, there were a million that looked the same as his. But I was hopeful. If I wasn’t driving I might have jumped up and down while clapping frantically. I found an empty space a few doors down from his. Shutting off the car, I looked up to the sky and gave a silent thanks. I checked my hair in the rearview mirror. I wasn’t looking my best. I didn’t even have makeup on and my eyes looked tired and puffy.
Oh, well. Nothing you can do about it now.
I climbed out of my car and headed over to the door. I was about ready to knock, my hand paused midair when I heard a woman’s voice coming from the other side. And that voice was frantically moaning and screaming. Much like I was sure I had when I was on the other side of that same door. My cheeks heated and I froze. The sounds didn’t stop, and I didn’t move. It felt like an eternity that I stood there. I may not be that experienced but I knew what those sounds meant. Tears welled in my eyes and I took off for my car.
I threw myself into the driver’s seat and cried hard. The stupid hormones flowing through my body made me feel crazy. I knew I didn’t even have any reason to cry. It wasn’t like we had anything. It wasn’t like we promised each other things. And it wasn’t like he even knew what was going on with me.
I tried to pull it together enough so that I could drive away. But it seemed like the longer I sat there the harder the tears fell. The door to his room opened and out stepped the sexy redhead I had seen when I was there. I remembered her long, silky hair and her perfect face. She was dressed much like before, clothes that didn’t leave much to the imagination of what they were covering.
I shouldn’t have been upset. A girl like that was much more suited for him. Wild and unafraid of her body. The air around her oozing sex. I understood it and I saw it clear as day. A girl like me had no place in his dark and loose world.
A moment later, Diesel stepped out, shirtless. Even in my distressed state, my mouth watered at the sight of him with all his tattoos on display. His hard body massive and filling up the door frame. His black jeans hung low on his hips, cutting off where his defined V was leading to. I sighed, remembering everything about what was hidden below his belt line.
Then she stepped up to him, so close there was hardly an inch of space between them. Everything came crashing back down. They shared a few words that I desperately wished I could have heard. She leaned up and kissed his cheek. An intimate exchange after an intimate act. Seemed fitting. I hunkered down lower in my car so I wouldn’t be seen. I shouldn’t have been watching their private moment, but I couldn’t turn away. I blinked and then she was walking away from him.
My eyes followed her for a moment, taking in everything about her. All of our differences. All the things I would and could never be. Tall. Sexy. Confident.
When I turned my attention back to Diesel, he was gone, the door shutting and cutting him off from me. The bartender’s words rang out in my head. I gave in. He was right, this was no place for a girl like me and Diesel wasn’t the kind of guy that would be able to give me anything close to my dream. The dream of a normal family life; white picket fence and all.
But Steven could. I imagined that was what my dad saw. Maybe that was why he pushed for the wedding. Diesel and I were from two completely different worlds and I would just have to live with that. I would hold on to the good. That one perfect night. Diesel opened me up in more ways than one. For once in my life, I felt like I mattered. I didn’t feel like a pretty decoration there to add to the décor. I felt like a human and I felt cherished for who I was. That would stick with me forever.
I turned over the engine and drove off, leaving all of my hopes for the future with Diesel behind. Maybe one day I would tell him that I was pregnant or that I had his kid. Maybe I wouldn’t. One thing at a time. And the first thing was to set things right with Steven. I was going to tell him about the baby. I was just going to lay it all out there and pray that he would still want to make it work. Then things would go back to normal. I would have the perfect life where I wouldn’t want or need for anything, not that I had many wants or needs. I was going to make my dad and mom happy. Life would go on in the direction it was intended to.
Or so I hoped.