CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Ellie
I kept my head down as I waited. I couldn’t tell if that Bocca guy was trying to flirt with me or simply make me laugh. I was too much of a mess to really pay attention to anything he was saying. My lips were dry and I wished for the second time, that I had my purse. I thought it might be too much to ask someone to get it, so I kept licking them. Which only made it worse. I tried taking slow sips of water, and that didn’t help either.
“What did you do to her?” A cheerful female voice said as she took a seat next to Bocca.
“Nothing, I swear. I’ve been on my best behavior.”
I looked up and Bocca winked at me before he stood up. My cheeks heated and I wanted more than anything to duck my head again, but I didn’t want to seem rude.
“Don’t mind him. I’m Reagan. Loch’s old lady,” she said. I looked over at her and cocked my head in confusion. She didn’t look much older than me, so why did she call herself an old lady? She laughed as if she was reading my thoughts. Her laugh was light and airy and made me feel a little bit relaxed. “It’s a club thing. Let’s just say, things are a little different around here than out there.” She pointed at the wall like she was talking about the outside world.
That was me. I was now the outsider and completely confused and a little curious about everything.
“Old lady is what men around here call their permanent partner. The one above all others. We’re like a married couple, I guess you could say,” she clarified. I nodded, taking it all in. “Anyway. It’s Ellie, right?”
“Y-yes.”
“Nice to meet you. You know Diesel?”
“Yes, we met a few months back.” I shrugged. I wasn’t sure how much I should tell her. The only person I wanted to talk to was Diesel. I needed to try and work everything out with him.
“How long ago?” She raised a brow and glanced down. Even though the table was in the way, I knew she was making a pointed look in the direction of my belly.
I suddenly felt like everything was about to come crashing down and I had no doubt that I would end up a broken, heaping mess of tears and snot. Inhaling a sharp breath, I tried my hardest to calm myself. I guessed everyone knew about my situation and there was no point in trying to hide.
“Four. I met him four months ago. It was just a weird situation. And at the time I thought it was normal. But now, I see that it was probably not and then this happened and I have no idea what to do…” Everything came spewing out in one breath. Reagan’s eye went wide for a moment then she reached out and patted my hand. “This… things weren’t supposed to be like this. There was a plan. I had a perfectly laid out path for life… and now… well…”
I’m lost and scared and alone.
Before we could say anything else, Loch came back into the room. I watched as her eyes instantly met his. There was a look that passed between them. Like for a moment, there was nothing else in the world but the two of them. I longed to have that with someone. I wondered if I would ever find that. He bent down, kissed the side of her head, and then whispered something in her ear. She nodded and he turned and walked off again.
“Don’t stress out. I’m sure it’s not good for the baby. You can stay here for the night. I’m guessing there are a lot of things to work out,” she said and gave me a timid smile. “Everything will be okay. If I know these guys, there isn’t a damsel in distress that they can say no to.” Something in her look told me that even if they did say no, she would have something to say about it. She may have been small and nice, but I could see that she probably got her way when she wanted.
Someone cleared their throat in the background, pulling my attention in that direction. Diesel stood there, his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the wall. There was a dark look in his eyes and his hair was mussed, as though he had been running his hands through it. Even in my freaked out state, my mouth watered at the sight of him. Then it went dry, knowing that this was the time we were going to talk.
Reagan reached out and gave my hand a gentle squeeze before she stood up. As she walked past Diesel and out of the room, she patted his chest. He didn’t take his eyes off of me and I shrunk down under his gaze. He walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer. With his back still to me, he drank the whole thing down and then grabbed another. This was not going to go well and I tried to hold the tears back. I had no doubt that I would be crying again soon enough.
He walked over and sat down across from me. I was holding my breath, waiting for him to say something. His beer bottle hit the table with a loud thud. I flinched a little and immediately felt embarrassed by it.
“Talk.”
One word. That was all he gave me. One heavy and gruff demand with no reassurance behind it. It didn’t help with my nerves at all. I fidgeted with the loose strands of hair hanging in my face. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I closed it and tried again. I just felt like a fish out of water.
Smooth, El, real smooth.
The sound of heels walking somewhere behind me caught both of our attention. I turned around and for the first time, noticed there was a room off the back of the one we were in. It seemed like this place just went on for days. But then again, with as many people that I had seen so far, they needed a lot of room. A tall, leggy woman wearing a very skimpy outfit stood just outside of the doorway.
“Rooms ready. First one,” she said looking at Diesel. After a few moments of silence passed and I managed to close my jaw, she rolled her eyes at him. “Maybe you should take her back there, D. No one is back there right now.” I bit my lip. I was grateful that she was trying to be obvious about giving us some privacy. This was a conversation best had between us and behind closed doors.
“Fine,” he said as he rose, beer still clenched tight in his hand. “Let’s go then.” His tone was flat and his posture was rigid. I got up and followed him like a lost puppy dog. The woman walked passed us and gave me a little nod and a sad smile.
He led me through a smaller lounge lined with a bunch of doors. He opened the first one on the left and I followed him inside. He was making sure to keep distance between us and I didn’t push it. I closed the door and took a moment to take in the room.
There wasn’t much there, not that I was complaining. A queen sized bed and a dresser with a mirror hanging above it. There was a small night table next to the bed with a lamp on it. The overhead light was on, casting a dirty yellow glow on everything. I took a deep breath and sat on the edge of the bed. He leaned up against the door. I could tell he was ready to bolt at any moment.
“I’m sorry—” I started to say.
“I don’t want sorry. I want why.”
Well, this was not the same man I met many months ago. Maybe what I saw in the motel room was all a show. A way to get what he wanted and to make me feel more at ease. Maybe the man I had been hoping to see didn’t really exist. But I couldn’t put it all on him. I had wanted it. I had practically begged him for it.
Just spit it out and get it over with. It can’t get any worse. At least you have a place for the night.
“I’m pretty sure this is yours.” I pointed to my belly. No sense in trying to act like he didn’t know about it. There, I had said it. It was out there. I could breathe now, right?
“No,” his said in a harsh tone that almost made me flinch. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I hated how weak I was.
“No? But I went to the doctor and she gave me the dates, and those were the right dates for when we…” I made an awkward motion with my hands between us.
“I wore condoms.”
“Yeah, I know. I don’t know… all I know is that it has to be. I wasn’t with anyone after for three weeks and even then he wore condoms and he didn’t… you know… in me.” God, I felt like a twelve-year-old. I barely could say the word condom, let alone even fathom saying all that other stuff. I was pretty sure he was following though.
Something in his face changed and I could tell that it was sinking in. But whether or not he chose to believe it, was still lost on me. Then his expression became even harder than it was before. He was completely shutting down. This was not good and I felt panic grip me tight on the inside.
“Diesel,” his name spilled from my lips. “Say something, please,” I begged.
“I can’t.” He jerked his head to look away from me. “Get some sleep.”
Then he was out the door, slamming it shut behind him, and I was staring blankly at the empty space. Pretty sure I wasn’t going to get any sleep at all.