CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Ellie
Being in the hospital was not fun. Yes, it was nice to get a break from the clubhouse, but it wasn’t a good break. Instead of being trapped within the wall of the compound building, I was stuck in a bed. It seemed that everyone would come and see me in rotations. Everyone looked genuinely happy to see that I was alright. No one talked about what happened at the club. No one looked at me differently. They didn’t make me feel like I’d done something wrong. But I had. I was teetering between an all-consuming depression and the need to justify it.
I couldn’t eat. I stared at the hospital tray in front of me. It all looked the same, three different blobs of the same color. It smelled like something I wouldn’t want to put in my mouth. I poked at it and the so-called chicken felt rubbery against my finger. I’d been there over twenty-four hours and I had only managed to take one bite of something. And even then, I found myself wanting to gag as I swallowed it down. I wasn’t hungry, but I knew I needed to eat for my baby. I sighed as I lifted a forkful of clumpy mashed potatoes to my lips. Diesel had been getting on me to at least put something in my stomach. I could feel his eyes intensely watching me as he sat on the chair beside my bed.
He hadn’t left my side except to take a shower after Bocca had brought him a change of clothes. I was glad those blood covered pants were gone. Yet another reminder of what had happened.
I could feel myself shutting down more and more as the minutes ticked on. I hated it. I finally had gotten him to open up to me and now I was the one retreating. But it had nothing to do with him. It was all the things going on in my head and what I’d done. All of the things that I wasn’t quite yet ready to process. It was my parents and the fact that they never really loved me. It was the feeling that I’d been so close to losing my baby. It was everything bad that had happened recently. All I ever wanted in life was to find my place. I never imagined that it was going to be such a long and hard road.
With a frustrated sigh, I tossed the fork onto the tray, my will to try and eat to appease Diesel was long gone. I watched as it stuck in the mashed potatoes and slowly started to fall sideways. He exhaled a heavy breath and I refused to look at him.
“Baby, please, you need to eat something.” He rubbed my hand soothingly. I turned my head away from him as the tears slipped down my cheeks. I closed my eyes and let myself drift off to sleep.
I wasn’t sure how long I was out, but when I woke, Diesel was sitting in the chair hunched over. His head was in his hands and I wanted to reach out to him. There was a sadness there that ran deeper than just the fact that I was in the hospital. I could sense it. But I had no clue about any of it. I wondered if he would let me in that deep one day.
“I’m here to save the day,” Grass said as he burst through the door. He stood like a superhero, legs apart, hands on his hips, chest puffed out and his head turned to the side.
“Grass, I said to knock first,” Tank scolded, but I could tell he was holding back a laugh.
I smiled widely at them. Diesel’s head snapped up as they walked further into the room, followed by Reagan and Bocca. The smell of greasy meat and fried potatoes hit my nose and for the first time since I’d been there, my mouth was watering. Tank set a bag down on the now empty rolling bed table.
“There’s something about needing a burger while you’re in this place,” Reagan remarked like someone who knew all too well.
“Uncle D said to make sure it had cheese and extra ketchup,” Grass said trying his best to hop on the bed. Tank tried to get him to stop but I waved him on. Tank lightly set him beside me, keeping his hands on the little guy so he wouldn’t climb all over me. “Daddy says I can’t ask you for any fries.” I laughed.
“Grass!” Tank gave Grass a pointed look. Grass shrugged.
“What? I didn’t asssk.”
“He has a point,” I said opening the Styrofoam box and holding it so Grass could snag a few still hot fries. “Thank you.” I looked at Tank who nodded his head in return.
I reached out for Diesel’s hand and he stood up and took it in his. I looked up at him as he dipped his head to lightly kiss me on the lips.
“You remembered,” I said referring to the first night we spent together. It was the exact thing I told him I wanted from the diner. And by the looks of it, the food came from that same diner. Or maybe it was just that all greasy spoon food looked the same.
“Only everything about you, yeah.” His eyes twinkled down at me and just like that, I melted.
“Awww. And gag,” Reagan said in a joking tone as she flopped down on the couch across the room. “But seriously, it’s weird seeing him like this.”
“Oh, shush,” I said, sticking my tongue out at her playfully.
“It’s like he’s a changed man,” she said in a sing-song voice ignoring me.
“No,” Diesel said, making everyone’s head snap to him. “Just found my way back to the man I’m supposed to me.”
I mouthed I love you to him then turned my attention to the food.
Conversation flowed easily around the room, like normal, as I ate. It helped lift my mood a bit and I was grateful. I looked at each one of them and realized that, once again, these people were my family. They were here for me even though we didn’t share blood. I looked over at Diesel and he was my home. I felt it in my heart. In my soul.
The steroid injections they gave me worked as well as they expected. So, the next day I was able to leave and return ‘home’. I was a little scared and apprehensive to go back to the compound. It wasn’t that I hated there. No, if anything I felt safe inside of those walls. But there were the lingering thoughts of what had happened there. I didn’t want to walk into the kitchen and be faced with reality. I never imagined that going back to a crime scene would be an easy thing to do. Really, I never even imagined that I would have to go back to such a thing as that.
I was waiting for the doctor to do one final check on me, then I would be discharged. The door swung open, but it wasn’t the doctor as I expected. No, walking into my room with a red and angry face was my father. My mother stepped in behind him and quickly closed the door behind her. Diesel shot out of the chair and protectively stood in front of me. I honestly thought I would never see them again. Strange, mixed emotions ran through me and I remained frozen.
“The fuck you doin’ here?!” Diesel growled, his stance tight and rigid. Like he was ready to strike at any second.
My father waved his hand at Diesel as if he couldn’t even be bothered with him. I noticed they stayed close to the door, not even taking more than a step inside the room.
“You were always such a disappointment, Ellie,” my father said to me and my mouth fell open in hurt and shock. “But this is above and beyond.”
Diesel started to open his mouth but I reached out and stopped him. Call it morbid curiosity, but I wanted to know what my father had to say.
“Why couldn’t you just do what you were told?” he asked, not at all looking for an answer. “Here is a check for one hundred thousand dollars. I need you to stay gone. As far as everyone is concerned, you are dead.”
“But—” I said, then cleared my throat. “But you are my parents. I’m having a baby. Don’t you want to get to know your grandchild?”
“You get pregnant by some biker filth and you really think I want to have anything to do with it?” His tone was cold, all business. I looked over at my mom, but she was submissively standing by his decision. I shouldn’t have expected anything else. “Just take the money and never contact us again.” He set the check on the table beside him.
“She doesn’t need your fuckin’ money,” Diesel spat out. “She doesn’t need you. So go back to where the fuck you came from, you worthless sack of shit.”
I almost smiled. Diesel was standing up for me. He was protecting me and our baby.
“No, I didn’t suspect she would, not with all your outlaw ways of doing things. Tell me, does she know what it is that you do for money?” My father smirked at Diesel like he had just thrown the last punch.
“You’re no better than me.” Diesel tilted his head to the side as he talked. Then his gaze shifted to my mother. “But you knew who you were marrying when you said yes, didn’t you? You think you’ve got my number, but let’s not forget that I have your’s, too. And I’m sure it wouldn’t be good if all those side projects were seen in the light of day.”
It was becoming hard to breathe. I wanted this all over so I could move on. Searching deep inside, I found my backbone for once in my life. I was going to stand up to the man who had made me. The one that had used me.
“Stop,” I said firmly as I squeezed Diesel’s arm. He shifted a little to the side, so I could fully see them, but he was still close enough that I felt his warmth. “I don’t need anything from you. Except for you to be gone. You want me to be ‘dead’ then I will be. You don’t have to worry. I have everything I will ever need, now. And no thanks to either of you.”
My father narrowed his eyes at me, clearly angry that I got the last word. I turned my head, removing them from my vision and my life. I vowed at that second to do my best to let them go and never think of them again.
Only after I heard the clink of the door, did I breathe again. To my surprise, I felt lighter, like a huge dead weight had been lifted off of me and I was finally free. Diesel and I didn’t speak. He climbed onto the bed and pulled me tightly into him. I ran my fingers through his hair. I loved that such a simple thing as having him close calmed me down.
This was us, two broken and lost people. Maybe we could glue our parts together and make something whole. Something new. Because that was how I felt with him by my side, I felt complete.