CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Ellie
“What’s your plan, Ellie?” Dad asked me over family dinner. His tone was one of all business mixed heavily with aggravation. There wasn’t an ounce of concern for me in his voice.
We were sitting around the dining room table with a freshly prepared meal that mom had made. We still sat down and ate like a normal family, even though I could tell both of my parents were beyond frustrated with me.
I had closed myself off more than normal. I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant yet, and as the days kept passing, the more panicked I became.
My body felt like it was changing every day. My pants were getting tighter and I found myself in leggings and sweats more than before. Which my mother hated and made sure to let me know every chance she could get. Also, my boobs were threatening to spill over my bra. No one seemed to have noticed. Or if they had, they didn’t say anything. I guessed when my chest was as small as it was to begin with, a little plump wouldn’t be all that noticeable. I had never been one to wear tight and fitted clothing anyway. So my slight growing body was more than likely still hidden under everything I wore. But I feared that if I grew any more things would start to become form fitting.
I was over three months along. I still had no idea what to expect when it came to growing a baby. Every day seemed different. One day, I would be fine and able to eat anything and everything. Then the next, I would feel sick and every slight smell would set off my gag reflex.
I had started talking to my belly. My baby. Reading it books late at night when I thought everyone was asleep. Telling it how I felt at whatever moment. Even though this wasn’t planned, I vowed to always love and cherish my baby. I vowed to show him or her every second of every day how grateful I was that they had come into my life. I often found myself staring off into space, smiling and rubbing my puffy stomach. My mind would drift off, picturing all the things I would do with my child one day.
Remembering that my dad had asked me a question, I snapped myself back into the moment. The truth was, I had no plan. If I was being honest, I was still just coasting along, waiting for the answer to drop itself in my lap. I knew I was going to have to put on my big girl pants and hit everything that I had been avoiding head-on.
“I don’t know,” I supplied, keeping my head down and eyes on my pile of peas.
“It is time to get your head out of the clouds,” he started. “You are not a little girl anymore. Your mother and I have given you many opportunities and you continue to slap us in the face.”
I nodded, biting my lip. I thought they had gotten over me canceling the wedding, but I was clearly wrong. I knew he was far from done with his speech and it would more than likely end with him red-faced and on the verge of yelling.
“I have tried to be patient,” he continued. “But I am done, Ellie. You will pick a date, get married, and give it your all. Steven will not wait around forever and I will not let you blow this again. Do you understand me?”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. Tears filled my eyes and I watched as they dripped onto the brim of my plate.
“For Christ’s sake, Ellie,” he roared. “Get it together. I expect this to be resolved by the end of the week. If you don’t make the right choice, your mother and I cannot help you anymore.” And by cannot, he meant won’t.
My head whipped up. Are they kicking me out? Disowning me? The look on my father’s face indicated he wasn’t playing around. My eyes darted over to my mother. I could see it in her eyes, she may not have agreed with him, but she was sticking by his decision. This was it. The explosion that would send me running. But which direction would I go?
I got up and quickly made my way to my room. Yes, I felt like a scolded child, running away and pouting. But I couldn’t breathe down there. I couldn’t give them an answer and I knew I couldn’t tell them about the predicament I had found myself in. Stupid little Ellie. So pathetic. I knew I could no longer put it off.
The next night was my night to spend with Steven. I hadn’t spent the night over there since I found out I was pregnant. He never asked me to stay and I never wanted to. We would eat dinner. Most of the time it was something I prepared. Then we would watch TV. That was it. Pretty uneventful, but that was how most of my life had been.
Until I met Diesel.
The simple thought of his name sent shivers down my spine. The kind that made me tingly and warm all over. I wasn’t dumb though, I knew the mental image I had painted in my head wasn’t the real man. Still, I clung to it like a comforting blanket, allowing it to help me in my darkest and confused times.
This time though, I didn’t make dinner. I didn’t even stop to pick something up. I went over there with no distractions, intent on telling Steven everything and seeing where the path led. I fidgeted nervously on the couch while he went up to his room to change. It felt like an eternity that I played the same few words over and over in my head.
Steven, I’m pregnant and it is not yours. I don’t know what to do or how this will change the way you feel about me.
It was a good enough place to start. I was sure there would be questions to follow and I kept telling myself that I would have answers for them. Though, I was sure he could figure out how all of this happened. It all depended on how he would react.
His footfalls on the stairs made me jump. He came around and sat down on the other end of the couch. This was how we had been since I’d canceled the wedding. No touching. No cuddling. It was as if we were two people occupying the same space. The most affection he had shown me in the last two months was a light hug or a kiss on the cheek. A kiss that always made me cringe slightly. Though, I couldn’t figure out why. Maybe it was because I had disappointed him. Maybe it was because I had been lying to him all this time. Maybe it was just because deep down I didn’t really want him to touch me.
“No dinner tonight?” he asked with a touch of frustration in his voice.
“We should talk,” I blurted out. He sighed, leaning back into the couch and crossing his ankle over his knee.
“What is it now, Ellie? I have to say, I’m getting a little tired of all these games you’re playing.”
“I want to set some things straight,” I paused and he gave me a look of great annoyance. It didn’t help to settle my nerves but I pressed on, knowing that I needed to just get it out there. “I’m pregnant. Diesel… the guy I spent that night with…i-its his.”
“Yeah, it wouldn’t be mine,” he said in a snarky tone. I clenched my jaw and pushed on. It couldn’t have been easy to hear and I just had to brush off his attitude.
“God dammit, Ellie. You really know how to fuck everything up,” he bit out and I couldn’t help but flinch. It was harsh, but I knew I had to take it.
“I’m sorry,” I found myself saying as I ducked my head, although this whole thing was happening because of his idea.
“Okay, so we need to get married as soon as possible. And hope that people don’t add up the dates once that thing is born,” he said after a long moment. It was almost as if he wasn’t talking to me. It felt more like he was beginning a list of things to be done; talking out loud. And it didn’t go unnoticed that he called my baby a thing. I felt anger simmering inside of me, but I only sat there and let him go on. “This weekend. I’ll get everything taken care of. It is going to have to be a small event, but maybe we can spin it somehow.” The way he was talking reminded me of my dad. The way my dad talked about everything being some sort of publicity stunt.
“You still want to?” I asked, confusion laced heavy in my voice.
“Oh!” He snapped his fingers not even acknowledging me. “We can say that you wanted something small and you wanted me to surprise you with it. That’s it. I’m sure your father will like that idea. Does your dress even still fit?” His eyes raked over my body before he cocked a brow at me. He was clearly unhappy now that he noticed the fact that I was a little more padded than before.
“I-I don’t know. Probably.” I was a little stunned at how this was going and how fast things seemed to be moving. My head was practically spinning off my body.
“Go home. We will talk to your father tomorrow when I have everything taken care of.”
Before I knew it I was being ushered out the door in a hurry. I all but ran to my car, still trying to take in everything that had happened the past few minutes.
I should have felt relieved. I should have felt happy. He still wanted me to marry him even when I was carrying another man’s baby. But there was something about that whole conversation that sat like lead in my gut.
Tomorrow I was going to face the music with my parents and then all this lying and secrecy would be over. I wouldn’t have to stress about it anymore. Or that is what I hoped at least. I drove home thinking that this was the best thing for my baby. He or she would get to grow up in a home with two parents. They would be surrounded by love and stability.
But even as I slid into bed, I couldn’t shake the sick feeling. I felt like something was off about the whole thing. I just couldn’t put my finger on how or why. I tossed and turned all night, fighting with my brain on everything.
Steven.
My dad.
Diesel.
The wedding.
Whether or not this was the right choice for my kid.
My dad made it clear that if I didn’t go through with the wedding soon, then he would be done with me. I had no place to go. I had a degree, but no job. I hadn’t even looked for one since I graduated. I started to think why that was. My father. He told me not to worry about it. That it looked good enough for me to simply have a degree. That I would only have to quit anyway when I got married. He always told me I would be taken care of. That I didn’t need to worry about working. That all of my focus would have to go into being a good wife and taking care of the house and my husband. And being the timid, make-everyone-happy girl that I was, I never pushed for anything different. I had always thought my father was right on everything.
Except lately, I was questioning that. My world was crumbling around me. The nice shelter I’d lived under my whole life was feeling more like a noose around my neck. And I didn’t know what to do about it.
The thing was, I never really wanted that. I didn’t want to become my mother; a living shell of a person going along with the path laid out before me.
What I did want, was to teach. I wanted to work. I wanted to be surrounded by kids covered in paint and glue as I showed them how to paint and draw. I wanted to see their faces light up when the realization that they had learned something kicked in. During my internship teaching kindergarten, I had fallen in love with being in a classroom. And being at the front line of molding and growing little minds. I wanted to do that with a partner beside me. Someone who shared life with me equally. Someone who stood by my side as much as I stood by theirs.
I woke up tired and hungry. What little sleep I did manage to get was restless. I realized I hadn’t eaten anything at all the day before. I shuffled down to the kitchen to find something that sounded satisfying. At that moment, I desperately wished I could have a nice, hot cup of coffee.
Right before I stepped into the kitchen I heard voices floating down the hall coming from my dad’s office. Recognizing Steven’s voice, I started in that direction with hesitant feet. If he was there talking to my dad then maybe it was a sign that I should spill the beans. Hearing my name, I paused right outside the cracked door.
“Ellie seems different lately. Is this still going to work?” Steven asked.
“Don’t worry. You just need to get her down the aisle and it will be fine. Once the ‘I do’s’ are said, nothing else matters,” my dad replied. He was speaking in his business tone. I had come to recognize it well. In truth, it wasn’t much different from his other tone. Only it seemed to have a slight edge to it like he was commanding the room. “All we need is to milk this for seven months. Then I will have the voters in my pocket, and before they even know it, the West development will be well underway.”
“That is true.” They both laughed like it was some sort of evil joke. Seven months? What are they talking about? I wracked my brain trying to remember where I’d heard West development before, but I was coming up blank. “They won’t even know until it is too late.”
“Yes,” Dad said. “Then you can toss her to the side and forget about her, for all I care. But if you want to take that dead weight off my shoulders for longer, I won’t complain.” More laughter.
Tears filled my eyes as my jaw fell open. They were talking about me like I was an object. Some pawn in their giant game of chess.
“No, I can hardly handle being around her for two days a week. I’m sorry to say, but your daughter is a bit of a wet blanket.”
What?!
“Ah, tested out those waters, did you?” There was a pause and in my head, I saw the two of them nodding. “Like a dead fish, huh?”
“Worse,” Steven said.
It felt weird that he was talking about having sex with me, especially to my dad. I felt sick.
“Just like her mother,” my dad said with disgust. “That’s why we have some tail on the side, right?”
“Indeed.”
More laughter drifted out of the room, mocking me, taunting me. Making me feel like I was about to break. Or worse, snap.
“And the baby thing, that may throw a wrench in the whole plan,” my dad said in a frustrated tone.
“That’s why we have to get this over with and hope people don’t really pay attention to the timing of it all,” Steven said. “She’s only like three months, so we can hide it for a while, I’m thinking. But, I guess, even if it becomes an issue, at least we were engaged when she got pregnant. People won’t suspect that it isn’t mine. We can play it off like we were so very eager to start a family.”
“She has always been a pain in the ass.” My dad’s voice was harsh and mean. I swallowed hard, knowing I should leave. But my feet wouldn’t move. “They said having a kid will help my image. I fucking hate kids. Said the same thing about a wife.” The hate and disgust dripped from his voice.
I couldn’t listen to anymore. I ran back upstairs as quietly as I could. I threw myself into the bathroom in time to toss up the emptiness of my stomach.
My father was a horrible man. It was possible that I’d seen it before, but my mind wouldn’t let me believe it. And now I was all set to marry a man exactly like him. It was messed up on so many levels. Run! I screamed at myself.
I packed my suitcase; only vaguely aware of what I was frantically throwing in it. I went to the bathroom. I grabbed my hairbrush, toothbrush, toothpaste, and my favorite body wash and matching lotion. I paused to look around the room, trying to decide what else I needed. I grabbed an oversized purse and threw a bunch of books into it. It would give me something to keep my mind off of the mess I was in.
As soon as I knew they left, I frantically fled the place I’d called home my whole life. I tossed my stuff in the trunk of my car and with shaky hands, slipped into the driver’s seat. I had no plan. I had no clue on what to do now. Not wanting to give myself time to let all of that sink in, I quickly backed away from my childhood home and drove off without a second glance back.
Tears ran down my face as I made my way through the city. I knew as soon as they found out I was gone I would be cut off. My cards would be closed and I wouldn’t have any way to access money. I pulled up to the bank and took out as much money as I could. My parents made a habit of only keeping a certain amount in my account. I never really spent any, so it was never a big deal. Up until now. I knew the two thousand bucks wouldn’t last me long, but it would have to do. I needed to figure out a plan and soon.
In a daze, I ended up at that same run-down motel that I had been at with Diesel. It was cheap and I figured it would be the last place anyone would look for me. That was, if they were even going to try. I was able to get the room right next door to the one I had seen Diesel in. Maybe he would come back and maybe I would tell him.
But as the days ticked on, I felt that was all a stupid girl’s dream.
I was living in a motel. It sucked. The TV barely worked, most of the time it just flickered and I would miss half of what was happening. The water started to get cold after five minutes in the shower. I had to jiggle the handle on the toilet to get it to flush. And I was pretty sure that there was a rat living under my bed. I hadn’t seen him, but there was definitely something clawing away during the silent hours of the night. At one point I started talking to it and I even gave it a name. Teddy the rat. We had an understanding. I wouldn’t try to hit him with the biggest object I could find if he didn’t come out from under the bed. Oh, and the bed was like sleeping on a pile of rocks.
The diner food got old fast and I was pretty sure I had gained twenty pounds from it. I understood that I was pregnant, but I felt like the weight was finding new places to grow every day.
I still didn’t have a plan after two weeks. I went to the bar and received no help finding Diesel, again. I even worked up the nerve and asked the junkie working the front desk at the motel. It seemed everyone knew who I was talking about, but they all acted like they didn’t.
Four months pregnant, I found myself sitting in a dusty and cluttered private investigator’s office. I called around and this was about the only one I could afford. Looking around his messy office, I wondered if it would be a waste of money. File folders piled up on every surface in the tiny room. He didn’t even have a secretary. It was one room. The door off the street simply stated Private Investigator in old, peeling letters.
Mr. Cage attempted to move papers around until there was a small area on his desk that was cleared. The desk itself looked cheap and worn. I flinched as he deposited more weight onto one corner and the whole thing looked like it was shaking. In my mind, I pictured it crippling to the ground.
I studied him as he moved about. I guessed he was ten years older than me; early to mid-thirties. Tall and slightly built. His hair was buzzed, but there was enough there that I imagined it would feel soft if I ran my fingers over it. His eyes were deep green and looked tired. Maybe sad, too. The stubble on his chin matched the length of his hair and both were a sandy blonde color. His button-up shirt was wrinkled but at least it looked clean.
“So, what can I do for you, Miss…” he said as he took a seat and looked at me, hands clasped on top of the desk in the newly cleared spot.
“You can just call me El-Elizabeth.” I realized at the last minute that it was probably smarter to not use my real name. I was paying in cash, so it shouldn’t have even mattered.
“Elizabeth,” he said dragging each syllable out like he knew I was lying. His eyes narrowed for a second, then it was like the whole thing was forgotten. “What do you need my services for? Husband cheating? Someone kick your dog?” He was obviously being sarcastic and a bit judgmental.
“I’m looking for someone,” I said, ignoring his jab and sitting up straighter.
“Alright, I’ll bite.” He pulled out a yellow notepad and rummaged around until he found a working pen. The third one seemed to write. “Who are we looking for?”
“Well, he’s about a foot, maybe more, taller than me,” I started. “Tattoos pretty much neck down. Lip ring. Black hair, blue eyes. Rides a motorcycle. I met him at a bar called Fate’s.” I shrugged trying to think of anything else I could say. Once everything was out of my mouth I realized how stupid I sounded.
“That’s it?” He stared at me blankly. I could see the irritation growing on his face. “Got a name at least?”
“Um, his name is Diesel. I don’t think that’s his real name, and I have no idea what that might be,” I supplied. “That was the name on his leather vest-jacket thing.” I didn’t sound confident at all. Something flashed in his face that made me pause.
“Vest? This vest have anything else on it?”
“Oh, yeah!” I nodded frantically. How could I have forgotten? “I think he belongs to some club or something. It had a motorcycle on it, but it was weird like it was covered in armor. And there were blue flames coming out of it. There was also a patch under his name that said enforcer, or something.” Not that I had any idea what all of that meant.
He let out a long, exacerbated sigh and hung his head. I had an idea that I was getting somewhere. Finally. I leaned closer, bouncing hopefully on the edge of the seat. He knew something. But was he going to help me?
“Will you help me, please.”
“What’s a girl like you need to get mixed up with people like that?” So, he did know something.
“I need to find him. This,” I pointed to my belly as I pulled up my shirt to show my tiny bump, “is his. And I don’t even know what to do anymore.”
His eyes went wide for a moment and he blew out a shocked breath. He leaned forward and his pointer fingers made a steeple in front of his mouth. He stayed frozen, staring at my belly long after I’d put my shirt back down, lost in thought. I could see the war inside his unfocused eyes. He knew who I was talking about. And if he didn’t know Diesel, he at least knew about the club he belonged to. He had a direction to point me in. The seconds ticked on silently. Finally, his fingers tapped together three times as his eyes drew back up to meet mine.
“I hope I don’t turn on the six o’clock news tomorrow and regret this.”
I didn’t miss the undertone in his statement. Would Diesel really hurt me? I didn’t believe that for a second. It took everything in me not to jump up with excitement. I was getting somewhere! He jotted something down on the bottom of the paper then tore it off.
He held the folded slip out to me between his pointer and middle finger. I reached for it, but he snatched it back before my fingers could grab it. His hard look bore into me.
“You don’t know me and you never got this from me. Do you understand that?” He made a point to speak each word in the question pointedly. I gulped and gave a tight nod.
He moved his hand back out to me and I quickly plucked the paper from his fingers before he could change his mind. I sat there and opened it up. There was an address. I knew the small town, but only by name. It was about an hour south of here. I had never been there and had no idea where I was going. He must have seen the look on my face.
“There’s a road off the two-lane highway about ten miles after the Old Mill Road sign. Careful, or you will miss it. It’s the back way into the town. Follow that road until you see a high chain link fence. Can’t miss it. There’s a gate in the middle of the fence. What you are looking for is inside that fence.”
“Thank you,” I said as I pushed to my feet with urgency. I pulled out three hundred bills and set them down on his desk. He looked pained and regretful as he stared down at the money. But eventually, he put his hand over it and slid it off the desk with a firm nod.
“I hope you are sure about what you’re getting into.”
I heard his words as I walked out the door, unsure if he really meant for me to or not. I was too excited that I had something. This would lead me to Diesel, and if I was lucky, I would have a place to stay. Then again, maybe I would be thrown out on my butt. But at least then Diesel would know. And I would no longer have to wonder what he would do.
I drove back to the motel thinking of what I was going to do and everything I wanted to say.