CHAPTER NINE
Ellie
I found Mom in the kitchen, chopping up veggies for the roast she was putting together for dinner. She sent me a small smile before she turned her attention back to chopping. I pulled a bottle of water out of the refrigerator then settled on a stool across the island from her.
“How was your night, dear?” she asked.
I blinked in shock. Did she know what happened last night? Maybe I was just being paranoid. I was sure there was no way she could have known, but there was something off in her tone. I sighed and wondered where I should even start. Should I tell her about Diesel? No, I knew that was something I was going to have to keep to myself forever. It was probably best if I just forgot about him and the whole thing.
“Okay,” I answered in the most truthful way I could. Because it wasn’t as great as I had imagined it. But then again, it could have been a heck of a lot worse.
She nodded like she wasn’t actually listening to the answer. We sat there in silence for a few beats. I had no idea how to even ask her what I was thinking. I don’t even think I realized what it was that I was thinking. The whole night had sort of shaken me and I felt off.
“Mom,” I finally said, but then nothing followed. My mouth hung open waiting for the words to fall out of it. She paused and looked up at me, hand still in mid-chop.
“If you have something to say, Ellie, then say it. I don’t have all day.” The look on her face told me that she wasn’t interested in beating around the bush.
“Is sex supposed to be… so…” I struggled to find the right word, “displeasing?”
She closed her eyes and I could tell she was rolling her eyes behind her lids. When her eyes opened again, she hit me a flat expression. It was as if I had asked her if I could have a cookie right before dinner. I felt dumb. I was tired of feeling so stupid and naïve. There I was, doing my best to try and figure out life because no one had ever sat me down and talked to me about how things should be. I was getting frustrated and tired of feeling like I was in the dark about everything.
“Did it make Steven happy?” she asked after a moment of collecting herself.
“I guess so. He went to sleep right after.” I shrugged.
“Then that is all that matters,” she said in a light but firm tone before turning back to the carrot she’d been cutting.
I sighed, feeling that I hadn’t gotten any kind of answer or guidance. I felt dismissed, so I slid off the stool and walked up to my room with heavy steps. I had never questioned my life before. Maybe it was that I didn’t really have a reason to question things up until recently. And I wasn’t sure why I suddenly had so many thoughts running through my head at that moment.
I settled myself in the seat next to the window in the corner of my room. I reached for the last book I’d started reading, wondering why it had been so long since I picked it up. It was some sappy love story where the characters had the perfect life. They were madly in love from the first moment they saw each other. It was then that I realized life wasn’t like that. My stomach felt like it was filled with lead and I wanted to cry. So I did, the tears spilling from my eyes like a waterfall.
Why was I crying? Emotions ran through me at light speed. So fast I wasn’t even sure what they all were. They seemed to meet up at the same point all at once, creating a huge ball of fire inside me.
Exhausted and drained, I crawled into bed. No one came to check on me. No one called to see where I was. I almost wished I could have just disappeared altogether. I was nothing. No one really cared about me, and for the first time, I was starting to see it.
It wasn’t until three days later that Steven called me. My lack of contact had gone unnoticed by him. Even as I answered the phone in a somber tone, he carried on the conversation like nothing was wrong. I was slowly starting to realize everything around me was a sham. And I was merely a decorative thread woven into the middle.
I wasn’t sure if I’d rather have stayed in the dark. That perhaps being a silly, little, unaware girl maybe wasn’t such a bad thing. My mind kept going back to Diesel. I hated it. The more I thought about him the more my thoughts ran away from me. In just the few hours we’d spent together, I realized that he, of all people, had been the only person in my life to treat me like an actual person. Not only did he treat me like a person, but he treated me like I was a special treasure. I only wished I had seen it while I was there. I wished that I could have taken more of that feeling with me.
It’s not like he even wanted to see you again. Diesel. Ugh, he didn’t even give you his real name. You just need to put on your big girl boots and face it. This is as good as it is going to get.
The next day, I woke with a decision firmly set in my mind. I was going to clear all the shaky thoughts from my head and move forward. I was going to marry Steven. In less than two weeks, I would be his wife and I would do that with everything I had in me. He wasn’t a horrible man. He never treated me unkindly. He never raised his voice to me. Maybe my mom was right; all that mattered was keeping my soon-to-be husband happy. That was what I was going to do.