CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Diesel
My phone buzzed on the bedside table, waking me from a heavy sleep. I carefully reached over Ellie’s peacefully still body and plucked it off the table. It was flashing with a new message. Sighing, I tapped my phone to read it. Church in twenty. Not how I wanted to start my day off, but there was nothing I could do. Ellie stirred in my arms, turning to look at me. I turned my screen off and tossed the phone on the bed behind me.
“Everything okay?” Her voice was raw from sleep and so fucking sexy. My dick screamed at me, but I didn’t have the time. There was no way I could be late to church, and I knew if I started with Ellie, I would lose all sense of time.
“Yeah,” I answered. “Just gotta meetin’ in a few.” I kissed her forehead and pulled her into my body. Her head rested on my chest, her soft hair spilling over my shoulder. Everything about that moment was perfect.
She woke with a light in her eyes. Granted, it wasn’t as bright as it used to be, but it was there. I hoped it meant she was beginning to heal and move on. I kicked myself every day that I couldn’t protect her. That in the end, she had been the one to protect me. And I hoped that what she had done wouldn’t kill her on the inside.
I rubbed my thumb along the side of her belly. She was still naked and I loved the feeling of her soft, stretched skin against my rough fingers. She snuggled in tighter to me and moments later, her breaths evened out. My lips turned up against her hair.
I never thought I’d be here again. I’d given up on a future with someone a long time ago. A huge part of me died that night, right along with my baby and Rachel. What was left of any feelings, I had tucked away deep inside. I’d been a hollow shell for years, just going through the motions to get me through the day.
Then it hit me. We were just over a month from her due date. I would soon be meeting my daughter. However, the panic that we were not prepared hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. There were a lot of things we needed to get. Like everything.
I looked around my room and took in the small cell that was my space. There wasn’t room for anything. Not a crib. Not a changing table. Not even a fucking bassinet. I started making a mental list of all the things we would need.
I knew Reagan had ordered some stuff and had it delivered. But most of it was clothing. I went back to the memories that I tried to run from for a long time, searching for all the information I took in back then.
I became very invested after I’d found out Rachel was pregnant. I bought tons of books and read them all. Highlighted parts and marked the pages with sticky notes. I almost laughed at the guy I used to be. I bet he never thought he’d become me.
Realizing time for church was counting down, I kissed Ellie’s head and reluctantly slipped out of the bed. I watched as she stirred, pulling my pillow into her body, before settling back down.
I got dressed, loving the fact that I could still smell her all over me. Then I headed to the kitchen to grab a quick cup of coffee. I looked around at Loch, Bocca, Crow, and Tank. I could feel the mood of the room, and it was spread thick throughout the clubhouse. While I lived there, it was still nice to have the place half full most of the time. Lockdown was wearing on all of us. More fights were breaking out. The women were stressed out. The kids were restless. I used to like my freedom. I had a place here, but I could get the fuck away from time to time. Back when the club was quiet, before all the fucking Savage and Devil’s shit, we all could pretty much do as we wanted. As long as the work got done and the runs got taken care of, Cal could give two shits about what happened. Well, that and we had to follow the rules of the club. Which was never a problem for me.
We all silently nodded to one another as Cal shuffled into the doors for church. Downing my coffee in one big swallow, I fell in line with everyone else.
“Alright,” Cal said, banging his fist on the heavy wooden table after we all took our seats.
I wondered why he called us here. It wasn’t a scheduled meeting. I wondered if there was something bigger going on and shit was about to hit the fan. None of us trusted Savage, and we had been watching our backs for far too long. But we weren’t getting anywhere.
Bocca kept digging, only to come up with the same information he’d already found. Savage’s life was pretty much a fucking mystery. Even the rumor that he had a fucking wife seemed to be just that, a rumor. There was no proof that he was or had been married. The only thing we had was the confirmation from Switchblade when I’d interrogated him. But could you trust a man that was about to die? Especially one as fucked up as him. I wondered if it was just some way to throw us off.
“I’ve done a lot of thinkin’,” Cal started, his brows knit together with stress. Whatever he was about to say, he was still unsure of his decision. “I thought lockdown was for the best. But seems we ain’t even fuckin’ safe in these walls.” He scratched the back of his neck. I knew he was talking about Tammy. How she managed to pull that whole thing off still twisted in my gut. “It’s crowded, and everyone is at each other’s throats. This isn’t what we’re about and I can’t stand seein’ us fall apart. This is just what Savage wants. I have no choice but to lift the damn lockdown. I’d advise everyone to stick as close to home as possible. But I know some of us have lives beyond this place. We are a brotherhood, but right now, I feel like we’re dividin’. I get that we got family outside as well that need us.” He pointedly looked at Tank, knowing his mom and sisters were going crazy not being able to see him and his son. It was hard for his them to be away from Grass for so long. I was surprised his mom hadn’t shown up every day, ready to tear down the fence to get to them. But then again, Tank’s dad had been in the club, and she knew all the rules and the reasons why it was safer to stay away. The fewer people outside that associated themselves with the club, the better for everyone.
The room was quiet. It was what we needed. It was doing us no good staying hunkered down. It was a huge risk to go on our ways, but it was better than slowly smothering each other to death.
“I have a plan for the compound. I have a few ideas we need to go over to make this place better. If, and more likely when, an attack comes, I want us to be ready to hold our own and fight the fuck back.” Cal paused and stared down at the insignia painted on the middle of the table. “I also want you guys who have homes to bulk up the security. Cameras. Steel doors. I think it would be a good idea to think about addin’ a panic room.”
Lock, Tank, and Seven nodded. They all had a place to stay other than the compound. While Seven was unattached, Loch had Reagan and Tank had Grass to worry about. I took all his suggestions and filed them away for a later date. It wasn’t the time to think about my next move in life. I knew this was going to take a huge dent out of the club’s savings. But if it would save a life, then Cal wouldn’t even bat an eye, and we would all agree.
Cal let Bocca take the floor. I did my best to sit still and not let it show that I was ready to be done with this meeting. I cared about everything going on with the club, but I hated being away from Ellie. It was a balance I was going to have to figure out. And soon. Because they were both a huge part of my life. Then there was my daughter. I knew that as soon as she was born, she would take the top slot on priority. Even as she was still cooking inside of Ellie’s belly, she held my heart and my pride.
Bocca speaking Vice’s name made my attention snap to him. I was curious about Devil’s Kings new secretary. I’d seen him around, but he seemed to rise up the ranks fast. I thought it was odd that Savage would let that happen so quickly. Remembering the smug look on Savage’s face at the meeting, it was almost like he was glad Switchblade was gone. But it didn’t make sense, Savage was the type of man to put a bullet in someone just for looking at him wrong. Something was going on, and I hated that, once again, we were in the fucking dark.
I listened as Bocca spoke all of my thoughts out loud. I was glad that my brothers had caught onto it, too. However, even with as good as Bocca was, he couldn’t find anything out about this guy. No indication Vice had any sort of life before he joined the club not even a year ago. His real name, Eric Buckley. He had a generic life. It almost seemed too good. Made up. I had no doubt the guy was deadly. I had a feeling he knew how to take down a man twice his size in mere seconds, even though I’d never seen him go against someone. He had an air about him that led me to think he was a killing machine.
Vice had no wife. No kids. No job at the moment, but it looked like he had worked construction a few years ago. Bocca’s digging somehow uncovered that the construction company he worked for was no longer in business to begin with. And Bocca found some evidence that made him wonder if it was ever even a real business. He lived in a tiny apartment in a shit part of the city. His parents were dead and he had no siblings. I shook my head as Bocca went on. Others muttered that the whole thing seemed off and the rest of us agreed with silent nods.
“I’m breakin’ open our stock,” Cal announced when Bocca finished. “I want everyone loaded up. Gun in every fuckin’ corner of this place and your houses armed as you see fit. I want everyone carryin’ at all times. If your woman doesn’t know how to use one, then fuckin’ teach her.” He paused and I could feel his eyes shifting to me.
My girl could hit her intended target that was for sure. She was pretty much a natural, whether she knew it or not. Problem was, I didn’t think I’d get her hands around a gun ever again. I hated the thought that she might have to. I sighed, taking a moment to shake off the fact that most eyes were on me. No one had talked about the incident since it had happened. Everyone tiptoed around the topic with Ellie. I was thankful, but at the same time I wondered if talking about it wouldn’t help. If she could see how amazing she was and how well we all understood what she was going through. I would get her to see that. It would take time, but I promised myself I would.
“Okay. Think that’s all for now,” Cal said wrapping up the meeting. “Take the day, get settled back into your houses and what not. Tomorrow, business as usual. Loch, open the bar back up full-time. Heads up and eyes open.” With that, he dismissed us.
“You got a plan?” Tank asked as we stepped out of the room and walked into the bar. I eyed him wanting to know what he meant. “She needs out of here. You know this. I could see you thinkin’ hard in there.”
“Yeah,” I grunted. Tank could read me pretty well. Over the years he had become the one I was closest to. At times like this, I almost hated it, though. The fucker always knew how and when to push me into something I was ignoring or hesitating on. This time, I just wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do.
“Samantha and Dave moved to the city three months back,” he went on. I knew this, small town and all. “The house is up for sale.” He looked at me pointedly.
“Hm.”
“It’s like five houses down from mine,” he added like it was going to sweeten the pot.
Really, it did. Being near him and Grass would not only make me happy, but it would make Ellie feel safe. She loved both of them. Tank had become like a big brother to her. And well, Grass easily held the heart of anyone he came in contact with. That kid was cool as shit.
“Fuck it,” I said, grabbing my keys out of my pocket.
I was halfway to the front door when I turned around. Ellie. I was torn. I didn’t want to leave but I also didn’t want to let her know what I was doing. Not yet, anyway.
“I got her,” Tank said, reading my damn thoughts. He waved me off, grinning like a damn lunatic.