CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Diesel
I had hoped things would get better once we got back to the compound. But Ellie seemed to retreat into herself more. For two weeks she was on bed rest. Doctor Wallace came out a few times during that time and checked her and the baby out. He said everything was looking good. I stayed with her the whole time. I tried distracting her with books and movies, but nothing seemed to work.
At night, she would snuggle in tight against me and it almost felt like she would be alright. I did my best to just be there for her. I didn’t want to push her. The last thing I needed was for her to freak out and have more complications. It was hard. I knew she needed to talk about it. Killing someone, though rightfully deserved, was never easy. Especially for someone as innocent and light as her.
At the end of two weeks, she was given the all-clear. She could get up and move again other than going to the bathroom and showering. I waited and waited, but she only stayed in that bed. Another week went by and I was starting to get frustrated. Mostly at myself. I didn’t know how to help her. All I wanted was to see her smile again. I needed my pixie back and I was at a loss what to do.
I knew what it was like to be stuck in that dark hole. Most of the time, I was standing with one foot in the door. But when it came time to do what I needed to do for the club, I went all in. I craved it. I used it. I let myself get lost in the darkest parts of my soul. I felt I needed to be punished for those I’d failed in life.
But Ellie wasn’t like me. She didn’t need to feel the pain, yet she couldn’t escape it. She couldn’t let it go. She was on the brink of her own hell, and I was so scared she was going to slip over the edge and I’d lose her too.
As I stepped into my room, with a plate in one hand and bottles of water under my arm, I found her staring at the wall beside the bathroom door. She didn’t move from her catatonic state as I set the plate full of fresh fruit and a sandwich beside the bed. Her eyes didn’t even focus on my form in front of her. I sighed as I frantically ran my fingers back and forth through my hair. Her eyes were wet and her breath seemed even, if not heavy. Almost like she was sleeping. I crouched down beside the bed. Her opened eyes didn’t move at all.
“Fuck,” I said as I stood back up. She didn’t even flinch as I cussed.
I moved around to the other side of my bed, shedding my clothes until I was only left in my black boxer-briefs. I slid in between the sheets, scooting right up behind her. I held her tight against me and buried my nose in her hair. Inhaling her scent, I tried my best to find the courage to tell her everything I needed to say. My past was dark and sad. My life hadn’t been easy. But I wanted her to know. I wanted her to take the strength out of it and find her way back to me. To us.
“When I was twenty, my girlfriend got pregnant,” I said with a shaky voice. I pushed on through the painful memories. “At first I was shocked, as any young college kid would be with an unplanned pregnancy. I wasn’t ready for a kid then. Hell, I didn’t even know what to do with them. Rachel, my girlfriend, and I had been together for about two years at this point, so it wasn’t like it was some fling. I really cared about her. Weeks went by and it really started to sink in…”
I paused, remembering the first time I got to see the little tiny dot that would have eventually been my little girl.
“I told my family and they were happy despite the circumstances. That’s when it hit me, that I had an amazing family and I had an amazing girlfriend. Things were going to be good. I was happy. I was going to be a dad. And the first time I heard her little heartbeat, I knew I would spend my life protecting her. Even before she was born, I knew in my soul, I would give my life for her.”
I cleared my throat, trying to keep the tears a bay. With each word I spoke, I felt the tight coil in my chest lessen a tiny bit.
“Anyway, while I was busy planning for a life with them, Rachel was slowly slipping away. I never saw it until it was too late. That she was never happy about the baby. Seven months in, Rachel drove her car off of a cliff. She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. Her belly got caught on the steering wheel and her head hit the windshield with such force that it shattered her skull. They said the lack of room in the car and her stomach getting caught was what kept her from flying all the way through the windshield.”
Ellie stirred in my arms, I loosened my hold as she rolled over to face me. Her eyes were red and tears were running down her cheeks. She blinked up at me as her hand came up to rest on my cheek. Then my own tears fell. Just a few, but they were enough for her to brush away with her delicate thumb.
“They died,” I pressed on. “I never even got to meet my little girl. And the thing that tore me up—still does—is that I was so fuckin’ selfish and I didn’t see the signs that Rachel wasn’t okay. She killed my baby, but I’m the one to blame. I relive that night over and over. And when you came along… it brought me back to then. I was going out of my mind after I left you that first day. I couldn’t shake you, even as the weeks went on. Then you were here, and I wanted to be happy. But I let the past blind me and I’m so sorry.”
I let out a long breath, releasing all the pain with it. I was scared that Ellie would hate me. Or that she would look at me differently. That she would see me for the monster I truly was.
But as I looked into her eyes, all I saw was love and reassurance. Her lips were soft as she pressed them against mine. And I held onto her like she was my lifeline. She breathed life into me and I knew then, that I never wanted to go back. She pulled away and with our foreheads pressed together, we stared into each other’s eyes. Minutes passed, or maybe even hours.
“I killed someone,” she whispered.
“I know, baby.”
“I don’t know how to move on from that.”
Finally, I was getting somewhere. I hoped talking about it would help her. But I didn’t want to lie to her and tell her everything would be okay. No, she had to deal with it, she had to own it, and then move on.
“Tell me why?” I asked her, low and gravelly, still raw with emotion.
I knew the answer but she needed to say it. She needed it to click in her brain as she spoke the words out loud.
“Why? Why did I shoot her?” I nodded. She swallowed hard, her eyes closing for a second. “She was going to kill you. Or me… and our baby. I couldn’t let that happen.”
“You saved me,” I stated. Her head moved against mine as she nodded once. “Hold onto that.”
“It’s not that simple,” she whispered and her breath tickled my lips as she spoke.
“No, maybe not. But you did what you had to do. Life isn’t simple. People make hard decisions every day. Right or wrong, you did what you had to do. For me. For us.” I slid my hand to her belly and rubbed circles on it with my thumb.
“The things I said. The things I did. What went through my mind. It was like I was someone else, but I wasn’t. It was me. I don’t think I’ll ever escape that.” Her eyes closed and I could see the tears spilling out through her thick lashes.
“The first time,” I cleared my throat trying my best to avoid saying murdered or killed. “I’d gotten my enforcer’s patch just three months before. I wanted to do right by my club and the people we swore to protect. About three years ago, there was a girl that went missing. She was about fourteen. Her dad at one point had been part of the club. But about a year before she went missing, he’d been kicked out. He started to get rough with the club girls and had gone off his shit on some drugs more than once. Things we won’t stand for. Anyway, we suspected he had something to do with the girl’s disappearance. Long story short, we found proof that he’d killed her.
“So, we pulled him in and tied him up in the basement. I’m sure you have some idea of what I did to him. He didn’t make it out breathing and I can’t say I was sorry. But to get me there, I had to find the ugly inside me. And I stayed there for a long time. I’d spent a few years already teetering on the edge. Going on as a shell of myself, constantly living with how I’d failed Rachel and my daughter. That’s where I go every time I need to get things done. Because at the end of it all, I kept myself there. Not because I hated what I’d done to those fuckers who deserved it, but because I felt like I was just like them. I felt that I deserved all the ugliness poured into me.”
I watched her face for any kind of change. She’d already seen the darkness after the storm. Hell, she’d even stood inside the fucking hurricane that I could rain down. She saw the monster in me and I needed to know that she could live with that.
She stared up at me, big green emeralds shining into my soul. She didn’t pull away. No, she held my face and soothed my damn heart.
“Last time was different. You brought me out of my darkness,” I told her. “You made me want more. Want to be more. I’m no good. I’ve done fucked up things. But you, Ellie, you are good. You are pure and light. You don’t belong in the darkness. And I need you to stay with me,” I pleaded. My heart open to her, my soul begging for her to stay.
“You’re a good man, Caleb,” she whispered. Only I wasn’t. I was far from it. But for her, I wanted to be.
“You saved me. You saved yourself and our baby,” I said and her head nodded like she was trying to believe it.
“I did what I had to do,” her voice came out stronger like she half believed what she was saying. I breathed a sigh of relief, I was getting somewhere. It would take time, but I felt she would one day understand that she had no choice and she would move on.
She pulled me to her and kissed me. It was the best feeling in the world. Then her hands were running all over me, moving down my chest and stomach like she was desperate to touch every part of me. Her delicate fingers traced the ridges of my hard muscles. A deep growl vibrated in my chest as she raked her nails down my bare skin.
“Fuck,” I whispered as I pulled back to look at her. Her face was a mix of dark need and shyness. I smirked at her before burying my face in her neck and nibbling her soft skin lightly. “Ellie, are you sure?” I asked trying to use my brain before the blood completely left it. I had no hope for holding back once her fingers reached for my cock, gripping it through my boxer-briefs.
“You’re hard,” she said and it almost sounded like she was shocked.
“Fuck yes I am. Anytime I’m near you the damn thing is like steel for you. Only you.” I gritted out as she slid down my boxer-briefs and started stroking me.
My fingers danced down her side, and her legs parted as my hand made its way to her slick folds. Her breathy moans filled the room as I rubbed slow circles around her entrance, spreading her desire for me.
“You’re so wet, pixie,” I said low into her ear.
“I need you, Caleb.” Her voice was the right mix of whiny and desperate.
“Tell me what you need, Ellie.”
Her hips started to grind against my fingers and I pushed two inside her with little resistance. She was so ready for me. She bit the corner of her lip as her back arched.
“I need to feel you inside of me, please.” Her grip tightened on my cock and I felt like I was ready to blow just from her touch. “Fuck me, Caleb.”
Well, damn. If I thought she couldn’t get any fucking sexier, she proved me wrong right then.
In one swift move, I pulled my fingers out, rolled her on her stomach, and pulled her hips up. Another second later, my boxer briefs were kicked off and the sound of her panties ripping filled the air. Her back arched further towards me and I palmed her perfect ass cheeks.
“This what you need, baby?” I asked as I pushed into her. As much as I wanted to plow into her tight pussy, I held back, not wanting to hurt her or the baby.
“Yes! Oh, God. More,” she demanded, clawing at the sheets.
Maybe this was her fighting her demons. Maybe this was her breaking. Or maybe this was her finally finding her voice. It didn’t seem forced and it didn’t feel like she was trying to be something she wasn’t. If anything, I could still sense a shyness in her voice. And I hoped that meant she was okay.
“Give me it. I want all of you, Caleb,” she pleaded, turning her head to look over her shoulder at me.
I snapped, not being able to hold back anymore. I fisted her hair, and she moaned. I plowed into her hard and fast. She felt so good. There was nothing I wanted more than to have my dick wrapped in her sweet, velvety pussy as it clung to me like it was trying to suck the damn life out of me. Her moans turned into strangled attempted words.
“Who’s pussy is this?” I growled as I bent over her and lightly bit her shoulder.
“Fuck! It’s yours. Only yours.”
I knew anyone around could hear her. Hell, she was yelling so loud, I wouldn’t doubt it if the whole clubhouse heard her. I almost hated it. I didn’t want anyone to have even the slightest idea of how fucking sexy and beautiful she could be. But that was all pushed aside by my possessive urge to let everyone know who she belonged to.
She rocked back into me with as much power as I pushed into her. My cock throbbed and my balls pulled up. I loved that I was about to fill her up with my cum. And she better damn well know, she was going to stay full of me.
“Say it, baby,” I demanded.
“My pussy is yours, Caleb!”
“Fuck! Yes.” I was going to blow at any second. “Come for me, Ellie. Come all over my cock, baby.”
Her back arched even further. Her walls quivered around me, sucking me in tighter. She screamed out my name in a chant to the fucking heavens as she soaked my dick. And I rewarded her by stuffing her full of everything I had in me.
I held her shaking body as I lowered us down to the bed. I pulled her limp body into mine and moved my leg in between hers. I was still buried deep inside of her and I wasn’t ready to lose that connection. I wanted to fall asleep inside of her and wake up the same way. Every-fucking-day.