CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Diesel
I stayed awake long after her breaths fell even, holding her as though she might slip away from me. I stared up at the ceiling cradling her to my side, my fingers dancing over her silky skin. I could still smell her all around me. The sweet, flowery scent invaded my senses like a warm blanket. She was like a sunny summer day; like I was spread out on the grass in the middle of a field full of wildflowers.
She was everything I wasn’t. She was light and innocent. She was beautiful and amazing. She was everything that was good in the world. I was none of those things. It weighed heavy on my heart that I would only bring her down. But I still feared that in the end, I would be the one left broken, my soul crushed beyond repair.
I remembered back to the hours before, replaying the little bits and pieces I could in my mind. I was only vaguely aware she was in the bathroom with me. She was there, dancing on the edges of my mind the whole time. My head was buried so deep in the empty, dark place that I went when I needed to escape and recover.
But she was there, like a bright beacon trying to call out to me. Only I wasn’t ready to see it. I wasn’t ready to come back and face reality. I wasn’t done punishing myself. Not to mention, I wasn’t ready to deal with the fucked up fact that she was there, cleaning up my mess.
Now that I’d had time to think about it all, I began to hate everything. She had seen me in the basement. She had seen the man I really was. The one that didn’t even flinch when taking another man’s life. But she had seen it and she still came back. It was tearing me apart inside. I didn’t know what to do with that. Not only had she come back, but she fucking took care of me. She cleaned up after me. And then, she took my anger and pain away. She reached inside me, into the darkest corner of my soul, and poured her love into it. Without hesitation. Without needing anything in return. Without even a second thought. I wasn’t the man who deserved even a sliver of that.
I was willing to open up and tell her almost everything. I had expected a slew of questions about the club, what I was doing down in the basement, and my life. But she only asked one. She only wanted to make sure I was going to be fine. Not just fine, but better.
She was there, in my arms, breathing softly against my side, my baby growing in her belly. But I still couldn’t let myself go and believe it. I still couldn’t keep my past from holding me back. I knew it wasn’t fair to her, and maybe it wasn’t fair to me, too. I knew that I needed to get my head out of my ass and figure my shit out. She wouldn’t keep trying to break through my walls forever. Eventually, she would get tired and move on.
I sighed and shifted slightly. I kissed her head and took one last look at her before I slid out of the bed. She didn’t move and I was thankful for that. I just needed a little time to calm down. I also knew I couldn’t put off filling Cal in on the information I’d gotten out of Switchblade. Or lack of information, rather.
I pulled on a pair of jeans and a black, V-neck tee. I slung my cut over my arms then slipped on a new pair of boots, wishing I had my old pair back. I took one last look at her before slipping out of my room without a sound. I walked down the long hall to the bar still smelling her all around me. Still feeling her fingers on my skin. Her moans were still ringing in my ears. And my dick stirred in my pants remembering how good it felt to be buried deep inside of her. She was like no other I had been with.
I spotted Clean at the bar as I exited the hall to head to Cal’s office. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t even have been there. I probably wouldn’t even be alive. I owed him a lot more than I could ever repay. Although, there were times I hated him for saving me when he did. I slid onto the stool beside him after grabbing a beer.
“All done?” I asked referring to the cleanup.
Clean had his ways he liked to do things. He wiped up the crime scene, disappeared the body, then came back to get paid. Hence the reason he was called Mr. Clean. So if he was sitting here, then that meant he was already done.
“Yep,” he said casually as if we were talking about taking a shit. “You left a mess, but I must say I expected worse from you.” It was true, I had been thrown off after I saw Ellie down in that basement. It was close to being over when she stumbled down there but after I saw her, I lost some of my edge and just ended it.
“Weird night,” I supplied. He nodded, knowing that was enough.
Even though he wasn’t part of the club, he was an outsider we trusted. He did his job, did it with perfection, and never asked questions. It was actually his connections to the club that led me here.
“You doin’ okay?” His eyes didn’t look at me as he asked. Not that I expected them to. I nodded, knowing he would see me out of the corner of his eye. We both seemed to be focused on the same nonexistent spot behind the bar.
I still remembered the night Clean found me in that seedy back alley. I was bloody and nearly unconscious. Not to mention, too drunk to know my own name. I remembered seeing something blurry crouch beside me. I thought it was the guys I had egged into a fight coming back to finish me off.
But it wasn’t. Instead, it was a built guy in a white button-up shirt, with a head bald as a baby’s ass except for the slicked back Mohawk. He asked me if I was alive and I just laughed at him, wishing I wasn’t. He cocked his head, probably taking in the pathetic mess I had become. Then he picked me up and shoved me into the back of a white van. I remembered it smelling strongly of bleach and some other kind of chemical. And I wondered for a second if he was going to take me somewhere and finish the job the others failed to do.
But no. He took me to a shitty apartment in a shitty part of town. Where prostitutes shared their corners with drug dealers. He got me sober, got me clean, and eventually got my story out of me.
Months rolled by, him occasionally leaving for days on end without a word as to where he was going or what he was doing. The logo on his van indicated he was a pool cleaner, but I sensed that was far from the truth.
Then one day he told me to take a ride with him. Eight hours and two pit stops later, he dropped me off at the place I now called home. I didn’t share my story with anyone, but I knew that Cal, Loch, and Bocca all had some idea.
Bocca, because he could find out just about anything about anyone, and I wasn’t exactly under the radar. Cal and Loch, because they were the ones who told Bocca to do the digging. And being president and vice president, it was their job to know.
The whole story had been plastered in the papers. Everyone back home knew and I there wasn’t one place I could hide. I suspected that was why Clean dropped me at a motorcycle club in the middle of fucking nowhere.
Like I said. I owed Clean. I was still fighting my demons, but I was alive to do so.
“You seem different,” he said breaking me from my thoughts. “You sure somethings not up?” I huffed out a laugh. If he only knew.
I felt her before I even saw her. At that moment, I tilted my head to see Ellie walking out of the long hall from my room. She glanced at me. I could see the sadness in her eyes before she ducked her head and hid behind her curtain of strawberry hair. My heart thumped in my chest as my eyes watched her scamper along the far wall and out of the room and towards her own. I couldn’t deny the way that woman affected me. She was wearing my shirt and I almost smiled knowing she didn’t have anything under it. Knowing that my seed was probably dripping down her legs. I knew the slight interaction wouldn’t go unnoticed, even if Clean wasn’t looking directly at the situation.
“Hm,” he grunted. “That yours?” I knew he was mostly referring to the rounded belly that even my huge shirt didn’t hide too well.
“Yeah,” I breathed out and took a swig of my beer.
“Look,” he said, making a point to pin me with his dark eyes, “don’t let the past fuck up your future. You want this? Let the past go and let yourself be happy. She isn’t Rachel. But you’ll never know how good it could be if you push it away.”
“Everyone’s got words of fucking wisdom all of a sudden,” I grumbled. He let out a laugh and slapped me on the back.
“You need me, you know how to get a hold of me.” He stood and headed for the front door.
“Hey,” I called after him.
There was one thing that I’d wondered about him. The last couple of years his arrival time had changed significantly. He half turned and raised a brow in question.
“How the hell do you always get here so quickly? I know you service all up and down the coast. And I also know that even if you have more than one place that you stay, that you still couldn’t get here as fast as you do. So, how the fuck do you know how to almost always be less than thirty minutes away when we call?” It was something that had been bugging me. Yet, I never thought to ask until then.
“I have a psychic,” his eyes went distant and his words came out hesitant and confused. Like he couldn’t quite believe what he was saying.
After a long second, he shrugged and walked out of the club. I sat there confused as fuck and still unsettled. Shaking my head, I thought about what I needed to do next.
The club was quiet but I knew I could find Cal in his office. It being almost five in the morning, he was more than likely asleep behind his desk. He had a huge room that he lived in at the back of the club, but he rarely seemed to make it there. I pounded on the door, ready for him to turn down my request.
“There better be a wet pussy attached to that knock,” Cal said gruffly from the other side of the door. I almost laughed. “The fuck is it?”
I stepped in, closing the door behind me. I flopped down onto one of the chairs on the opposite side of the desk. He watched me through tired, red eyes. I knew the whole situation of being locked up was weighing heavy on all of us, but most of all him.
“Took you long enough,” he grumbled. “What you got for me? That asshole give up anythin’?”
“Not much,” I said remembering everything that had happened in the basement.
Switchblade laughs as his body sways, the evil sound echoing off of the walls. His hands are chained above his head and his feet barely touch the ground. He struggles against his bindings, trying to shift enough to look up at me.
“What are his plans?” I ask, standing back and watching his struggle.
“Fuck you!” he spits.
I rear back and punch him in his ribs. He screams like the little bitch that he is. I pound him over and over, still getting no kind of answers.
“What is his next move? Why is he so intent to get to our club?” I ask, my voice even and dull. I show no signs that he is getting to me.
“You really don’t get it, do you? You are all so fucking stupid.” His breaths are jagged and he seems to be losing energy fast. I can’t have that. I need more out of him. “He doesn’t trust anyone. He’s a paranoid psycho. Keeps all of his shit to himself.”
I pull out my knife and cut his shirt off. Then I start at his collarbone, digging in deep enough for him to squirm and pull against his bindings.
“Just kill me. It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m replaceable. Everyone is to him. Don’t you get it?!”
With a deep growl, I stab in between his ribs. He won’t last much longer and I’m starting to think he really doesn’t know anything. It seems that Savage is smarter than we hopped.
“What does he want from us?” I say into his ear as I slice from his navel to the top of where his pants ride.
“He wants to own you! He wants to be the fucking king! That’s the thing about him, man, he doesn’t do any of the dirty work. He wants to run it all and keep his hands clean at the same time. You are just his bitches.” He sucks in a deep breath and tries to wriggle away from me.
I grab his hair, pulling his head all the way back. Gripping the knife handle with my hand, I punch his face over and over, until I feel the bones cracking. I’m angry and it’s starting to seep through my cool exterior. He killed Stone. He shouldn’t even still be breathing. But I know we need answers, and if I can get even one thing out of him that will help, then it will be worth it.
“What about his wife?” I spit out the word. Because the thought of someone being married to Savage sickens me. She must be as fucked in the head as him. Switchblade laughs like I’m missing some sort of joke.
“She doesn’t know anything. She’s a fucking trophy for him. He keeps her locked up in that house in the back of the compound lot.” His body goes lax and there is no way I am done with him yet. I slap his face and when that doesn’t seem to do anything, I work his body a bit more until he screams.
“House?” I ask.
“Yeah, he keeps her separate from club shit. Fucker won’t even share her. I bet her pussy is tight as fuck, but we’d never know. Unlike those lucky fuckers that were around when he first got her.” He licks his lips, like he’s thinking about fucking her right now. Some fucked up shit. He’s about to die and he’s thinking about shit he will never get to have. “He… He has this leather book he keeps with him. I’ve seen him write shit in it, but I’ve never seen what’s in it. I’m sure he isn’t writing fucking poetry in there. That’s all I got, man. Just do what you gotta do.”
I unchain him and tie him face down on the big steel table. I reach for the blowtorch. He doesn’t get to die with his colors on him. Any honor he thinks he has will be gone, stripped, like the way he took Stone’s life.
“Paragons,” he chokes and spits up some blood before he attempts to speak again, “ain’t the only ones. Your not fucking special. He’s got more clubs he will take over. Eventually, the weak will die.”
His laugh rings out as I fire up the torch. It quickly turns into gargled screams. And I feel the numbness set in as the skin on his back begins to bubble and the putrid smell fills the room.
I stopped myself from thinking about how Ellie had walked in not long after that moment. This wasn’t the time to dwell on all of that. I repeated everything he’d told me to Cal. It wasn’t much, but at least we know there are other clubs out there in the same position we were in. I was sure we were thinking the same thing. We needed to find out which ones they were. Maybe if we banded together, we would become the stronger one. But that was his thing to take care of. I would just wait until he called for my help, and I would be there, right by his side. There was a dim light at the end of this fucking long tunnel.
I shifted gears after a few moments of silence. I knew he was thinking hard about everything I’d just told him.
“I need out,” I said not thinking of my choice of words. But it was true. I was feeling like a damn caged animal, clawing at these damn walls. I needed a ride. I needed to get away from everything to clear my head. “Just let me out for two hours.”
“You don’t think we’re all gettin’ sick of it in here? You think we ain’t all itchin’ to walk out those front doors and do whatever the fuck it is that is elsewhere?” He cocked an angry brow at me. “I got damn boys fightin’ every fuckin’ time I turn around. We’re all on edge and pissed off and got no outlet for it.”
“I know,” I said taking a minute to get my words together. “I’m not sayin’ my shit is worse than anyone else’s. I just… I’m too close to her right now.”
“You bring that into my club and then you just want to leave it?” His voice was full of tension, but I knew he didn’t really mean it. “Fine, you want out? Got a ride comin’ up. Was gonna take Tank and leave you here because of her, but now… I’ll tell Tank he’s stayin’ behind.” He waved a hand at me, shooing me away. I could see the slight smile as he shook his head.
“Thanks, prez,” I said as I stood up, knowing better than to ask how soon we’d be leaving.
“Figure it out quick. That girl needs answers, not more questions,” he said pinning me with his stare. “Be ready to go tomorrow afternoon.” I nodded and headed out.
Hesitating a moment outside of Cal’s office, I decided it was best to go back to my room. I was tired. Physically. Emotionally. And I knew tomorrow would be a fuck of a long day. Part of me wanted to go in search of Ellie, but the louder part of me still said I needed space. I knew that if I wasn’t sure, wasn’t ready to put it all on the line and claim her, that I had no sense in confusing her.
But as I flopped onto my bed I couldn’t get away from Ellie. Her fucking scent was everywhere, even overpowering the lingering bleach smell. I couldn’t say I hated it. In fact, it was the opposite. Lacing my fingers behind my head, I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. The longer I stayed in that bed, the more antsy I got. Thoughts turned in my brain, leading in all different directions. I was getting no closer to an answer. All I could think about was what I could have in the future, but it was always clouded by the things that could happen. And the things that had happened.
The sun would be coming up soon, not that I could see it in the windowless compound. And I knew the only way I was going to get any rest was if I was wrapped around the one thing that permeated my thoughts.
With a heavy sigh, I rolled out of bed and stalked across the compound. I didn’t bother fucking knocking. I just stepped into her room silently and slid into the bed behind her. I felt her tense as I wrapped my arm around her waist. But it was only a second before she relaxed back into me as I nuzzled my face in her neck. Did this make me a giant asshole? Yes. Did I give any kind of fucks at that moment? No. Because it felt like home.