CHAPTER NINETEEN
Diesel
No. It couldn’t be. I stomped back to my room, needing to lock myself away. Something deep inside me told me that it was mine even before I walked in that room. I just didn’t want to hear it. There were too many memories scratching to get to the surface at once. Things that reminded me of how I had failed in life and how easily things could be taken away. I couldn’t go through it again. How did I know if this would be any different? Nearly six years, and I found myself in the same place.
I was thrown back to that twenty-year-old boy. Devastated, sitting in the hospital chair, and waiting for the answers that I already knew in my heart. The time I had lost everything and it was all gone at someone’s selfish hand. I sat down on my bed with a heavy feeling in my chest. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was about to break.
My mind traveled back to the moment I first found out things were going to change. Too exhausted to try and fight it, I let myself remember the day I found out news that tilted my world and made me want to be a better man.
“What’s wrong, Rachel?” I ask, falling to the floor in front of our bed beside her.
Our apartment is small, but it’s our space. The bedroom is just big enough to hold a bed and two dressers; which holds all of our clothes. The closet is full of boxes of crap that we can’t part with but don’t have room for.
She cries harder and leans into me. I put my arm around her and pull her into me as tight as I can. I wait for her to calm down, but her body won’t stop shaking with her sobs.
“Whatever it is, we will get through it,” I say trying to sound comforting. We had been together for two years and I often found myself wanting everything with her. I would follow her to the depths of hell if she wanted me to.
“No, Caleb, this is something you can’t fix,” she chokes out and I’m still completely confused.
“Baby, just tell me. I’m not going anywhere.” I rub her arm hoping she will tell me.
“I’m pregnant, Caleb. There, are you happy?!” She shrugs me off as she stands up, then she runs into the bathroom. The door slams shut behind her and I sit there, frozen in shock.
I let out a heavy breath as I stopped the memories from flowing in. I almost gave into the urge to cry as I flopped back on my bed. But I wasn’t that person anymore and I wasn’t going to go back to it. Ever.
I stumbled into the shower, wishing that I could wash the whole thing down the drain. I knew it wasn’t that simple but as I stepped under the cold spray, I felt the shock to my system that I needed. The stinging drops returned the ice in my veins and hardened me back to the man I had spent so much time making. No emotion. No feeling. Nothing could get to me.
I turned off the water and stood in the shower stall for I didn’t even know how long. By the time I finally reached out and grabbed my towel, the water on my body had mostly dried. Letting out a deep breath that I felt like I’d been holding all my life, I stepped out and stalked over to my bed. I flopped down on top of the comforter still naked. I didn’t even bother to cover up as I wished for sleep to come.
This can’t be.
The club was dealing with shit and I now added my own into the mix. There was too much going on and we didn’t need something else to worry about. I felt even more like shit as I thought about Stone. About his old lady. About how Mel didn’t have him anymore, and how their children now didn’t have their father. This all sat heavy on my shoulders. I couldn’t protect him. Now all I had was revenge, and I would get it soon enough.
These were just a few of the reasons why this was all wrong. How could I be a father and make sure my child was safe? My world was not one for a woman and a kid, and that was exactly why I had chosen it. Not to mention how said woman was so innocent. So untouched. I should have never looked at her in the first place, let alone put my filthy hands on her. Just that one night and I had sullied her. That, too, was on me.
I had spent years running from that place that darkened me. I had spent hours, days even, beating my demons out of me. Taking my rage out on anyone that deserved it and hiding behind the idea that I was doing it for the club and my brothers. But inside I knew. I knew that it was an excuse for me to run and shut down from the past. And up until tonight, it had fucking worked perfectly.
I shut my mind down and forced myself to sleep. I knew I would wake with the same problems and I had no idea how to even deal with it. But for now, I needed to forget. Sleep seemed the best option for that.
That was until the dreams invaded me, reminding me of all the things I had fucked up and lost.