CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Ellie
He was standing in my room. Diesel was in my room staring down at me, his breaths heavy, and his eyes lit up with some emotion I couldn’t read.
I knew he was next door, and I knew what he was doing in that room. I could hear Tammy’s screams and pleas clear as day. Tears were still running down my cheeks when he barged in and I didn’t even care to wipe them away.
The distance thing hurt me. But a small part of me understood it. However, the having sex with Tammy thing practically right beside me, broke me down. Even before I started hearing them I was feeling shaky. I couldn’t keep anything down, and my heart was racing. Which was why I had called Doctor Wallace in the first place. Then the headache started and my vision went fuzzy. The pounding in my brain only grew more intense as the moans and screams escalated through the wall.
Now he was standing in my room.
His chest was heaving, his stance wide, and his hands slightly curled inward as they hung at his sides. By the slight sway of his body and the fact that the air around me now smelled like a bottle of whiskey, I knew he was drunk. I didn’t want to see him like that. I didn’t want to have whatever conversation was to come while he was too far gone to stand still. But then he took a deep breath, his chest straining against his dark shirt as it expanded. My eyes moved up to meet his and then I saw it. Not anger or hate. Not a mask of indifference. No, his eyes were deep set with panic. I guessed that he heard me on the phone. That must have been why he came barging in here in the first place. But I had no clue what that meant until I saw it all clear as the blue in his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” His voice low and his words slightly slurred.
“Just go,” I said barely above a whisper as I curled myself tighter into a ball and forced my gaze from his. Tears rolled down my face and stained my pillow. I couldn’t do this now. I couldn’t just let everything be okay even if I was scared. I didn’t want to be alone but I also didn’t want him, not like this.
“El,” he commanded, but I didn’t look over.
His steps took him closer to the edge of the bed. The tears still spilled out of my eyes at a rapid rate, too fast for me to even try and stop them. My body bounced as he sighed and flopped down onto the end of the bed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his shoulders slump and his head sagged down as he leaned his forearms on his legs.
“I fucked up,” he said. Only I didn’t care to hear it.
“Don’t!” I barked, almost surprising myself at the harshness. “Leave. I don’t need you here.”
“I’m not leaving, pixie.” I loved and hated that he called me that. It reminded me of a time when he showed me a different side of him. It reminded me of how this all started.
“You really think staying here when I clearly don’t want you here, is going to make the situation any better?” I managed to ask in a calm tone.
I didn’t want to yell. I didn’t want to fight. I mean, deep down inside I really did want to yell and scream at him. I wanted to tell him how much he was hurting me. But I knew I needed to keep my emotions in check. Getting all riled up wasn’t going to be good for the baby. And that was all that mattered. He sighed heavily and frantically ran his fingers through his hair.
“This… this is difficult for me,” he said in a tone so heavy I could feel the weight of it on his soul.
“And it isn’t for me? I’m alone and pregnant.” I was doing my best to stay calm.
“No. I…”
I waited for the words. I waited for some sort of insight to what was going on inside his mind. I needed answers. I needed to know where he stood in all of this because whatever we had been doing was clearly getting us nowhere.
“I’m terrified to believe it’s real,” his words so soft I almost didn’t hear them. But I still didn’t know what they meant. I searched his face, but he gave away nothing.
I’m obviously very much here and I’m very much pregnant. How can he not see this is real?!
“That’s all I get? No explanation to what that even means?” He shrugged, his eyes trained on the floor the whole time. He hadn’t looked at me and I knew he wouldn’t. “Fine. You can’t, or won’t, spill your guts to me. You won’t share all your feelings and help me understand what is going on with you. I get it, I guess. Then give me something, just one thing that’s real.”
I waited. The silence grew thick and more tears leaked out. It was like trying to tear down a brick wall with a glass hammer. Every time I struck trying to make a hole I could look into, I was the one breaking instead. Every swing chipped another piece of me away.
He looked like he was going to say something when a knock on the door broke the silence of the room. He tensed and I knew the moment was over.
After I called out for them to come in, Doctor Wallace stepped in with a smile trying to cover the concern knitted in his brow. Diesel stood up but didn’t leave. Instead, he situated himself on the bed next to me, less than a foot of space separated us. I could feel the warmth coming off of him. His smell filled my nose and I did my best not to take in a deep breath. It comforted me, and I didn’t know if I hated it or loved it. It brought back a wave of memories that I had spent too much time trying to forget.
Doctor Wallace pulled up a chair before listening to my heart. He felt around my tummy and I noticed Diesel’s eyes were on the opposite wall. He couldn’t even look at me or where I was growing our baby. I sighed internally and focused all of my attention on the doctor.
After a good ten minutes of being poked and prodded, Doctor Wallace seemed to have some kind of answer.
“Your blood pressure is a bit high,” he said looking at me then shifting his eyes over to Diesel. “Have you been having anxiety? Stress?”
“I mean, I’m pregnant and it wasn’t planned,” I said, not trying to be funny, but the doc let out a small, nervous laugh.
Not to mention that this is the longest the baby’s dad has spent with me since I told him I was pregnant!
“I recommend a few days bed rest. Don’t do anything. Eat bland food. Rice, bread, potatoes. That sort of thing, until you feel like you can handle more. Keep hydrated.” He patted me on the hand and gave me a reassuring smile. “Do you want to know what you are having, yet?” His eyes shifted to Diesel.
“I guess,” I said when Diesel didn’t give any sort of indication on what he wanted.
We were both there and that was good enough for me. I needed to know so I could start preparing myself. I needed to think of names. Plus, Reagan had been bugging me to find out. She was ready to start buying all sorts of cute clothes.
Diesel didn’t move. I don’t even think he blinked. I almost got the feeling he wasn’t even here in the room. Until his hand lightly rested on mine. It was something. I was going to take it.
“Okay, well. Congratulations, you are having a girl.” Doctor Wallace’s tone was happy and chipper.
I started to cry again and I blamed it all on the darn hormones coursing through me. I was having a girl. We were having a girl. My mind went wild with what she would look like. Would she have my hair and his eyes? Would she have freckles along her cheeks? Would she have his height? I hoped she would at least be taller than me. Just when I was starting to feel a ray of hope through this, Diesel pulled his hand away, as though he had touched fire.
“Diesel, a word if you don’t mind,” Doctor Wallace said picking up his bag and heading to the door. “Just take it easy Ellie. I’ll come back in a few days and check on you. If anything else happens, please call me right away.”
Then they were both gone. And I was alone.