CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Diesel
We had been on lockdown way too fucking long. It was starting to wear on all of us. The brothers. The old ladies. And the children. Everyone was restless and agitated. But what did you expect when you shove a bunch of people into a building for a long period of time? There were only so many games of pool you could play. And the TV had just become something you didn’t even want to turn on. It was all the same fucking shit and none of it good.
We’d been holding church once a week but we weren’t getting anywhere. Switchblade was still out there. Savage was still doing his best to hide and protect him. Lying in wait just wasn’t good enough. We could all feel it coming to a head. Something had to be done.
“Alright, quiet the fuck down,” Cal commanded and the room went silent. “I’m calling in Hunter.”
Hunter wasn’t part of the club. We had a few people we knew on the outside who were good—no, excellent—at their jobs. There were certain situations that we would need to call them in. This was one of those times. Hunter was, well, just as his name indicated. You needed someone found, he was your guy. You needed someone delivered to your doorstep, he would deliver. And for a hefty price. A price we were all willing to pay. Blood needed to be spilled and I was itching for the chance.
No one objected to Cal’s decision, as I expected. I could practically smell the revenge. But what got me, was the next words out of Cal’s mouth and the few moments that came after it.
“I know Stone’s gone, and this comes with a heavy heart, but shit must go on.” He paused making sure he had everyone’s attention. “Diesel will now take Stone’s place as Sergeant at Arms.”
Shock filled my mind but I kept my face blank. The room filled with ayes before Cal even asked for a vote.
“Next,” Cal said, moving on. “I move to make Axe the new Enforcer.”
I knew Axe was in line for president. There was no question about that. He may not have been Cal’s blood but ever since he found Axe on the side of the road all those years ago, he considered him his son. But I also knew Cal wouldn’t give over the head of the table at a time like this. When he turned over the club to Axe, he wanted it to be clean. He wanted it to be a turn of a new era for it. We all got that. This was a move to give Axe more power, and I could agree it was a good one. Axe had a lot of fucked up shit he needed to work through. This was the perfect opportunity to do that and take the president spot later with a clear head. I understood it more than I wanted to. Being the club’s enforcer wasn’t a light job. But it was also a job made for certain people.
“Aye!” cheered up around the room, breaking me from my thoughts.
“Then it’s set!” Cal slammed his fist down on the table making it all official.
Cal didn’t believe in holding a gavel. He always said it needed to be his flesh, his blood, that touched the table in the time of a decision. He said that it meant that this club was part of him, and every part of him would go into the club. I admired everything about it.
“Anyone got anythin’ to add?”
“Yeah,” I piped up. Cal raised a brow and I carried on. “I take this with great honor, and thank you, but when it comes to Switchblade, I want to be the one.”
He got what I was saying. He looked at me long and hard before he gave me a firm nod. I needed to be the one to end Switchblade’s life. I felt like Stone’s death was on me, under my watch and title, and I needed to be the one to close the chapter.
“Lastly,” Cal said moving on, “I know we are all gettin’ fuckin’ antsy. Let’s get this Switchblade situation under control and we will go from there. I know this lockdown can’t last forever, but everyone needs to keep a level head. I don’t want any fuckin’ fights breakin’ out under this roof for no damn reason. Got me? Good. Now go fuckin’ drink!” Everyone got up and the chatter rose in the room.
“Loch, Diesel,” Cal said as I started to stand. “Stay behind.”
I didn’t like where this was going. I knew it was going to be something I didn’t want to talk about and I did everything to hold my anger down. Cal waited until the last of the men left and the door was closed.
“Look, I know it’s your business and all, but I need somethin’,” Cal said looking at me.
“Ellie?” I asked and he nodded. “I have no doubt she is telling the truth. But I don’t know what that means other than that baby is mine.” I said honestly. I was still too fucked up in the head to have any kind of answers.
“I know you ain’t askin’ for my advice, but I’m givin’ it. You got a scared, fragile woman out there who needs some sort of answer from you. Whether it’s that you are goin’ to try and make it work with her or not. She needs to know what you plan on doin’ once that child comes into this world. You hear me? Time is runnin’ out.” I nodded feeling like a little boy who’d let down his dad.
“Got it, prez.”
“You gonna tell her about what we found out?”
“I can’t. I don’t know how to. It could be the thing that breaks her.” I said, honestly afraid of the information that Bocca had dug up.
See, the thing that he found was harsh. I knew that she had said her parents would cut her off if she didn’t marry that jackass. But she didn’t know how far they would take it. Had taken it. Her dad, the fucking mayor, somehow turned her leaving into a kidnapping. He was eating up the sympathy from the plan. I wanted to kill the motherfucker. Even with my head all fucked up over this, I still felt protective of Ellie. My fucking Pixie. The girl that haunted my hopes and dreams.
It wasn’t her and the baby that was keeping me away. It was me and the situation. The thing was, I wanted her more and more each day. To the point that it physically hurt my chest to keep the distance. But I felt I wasn’t any good for them. I wasn’t the person she thought and hoped I was. I was broken. Fucked up. Too stuck in the past to realize the beauty of the future.
When I left church I knew it was still early enough in the day that I’d find Ellie outside, reading in her spot. But I didn’t make a move to go out there. Instead, I went to the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey before shutting myself in my room. The company of alcohol and my thoughts wasn’t a good combination. And I soon found that after almost a whole bottle I made stupid decisions.
As I poured the liquid straight from the bottle down my throat I thought of everything. I had spent the better part of a month too close to Ellie, but yet far away. Close enough to touch her but unable to reach out to do so. I wanted to know everything about her, but I held myself back. I did what I always did, I watched. I learned all about her by what she said to other people. I learned her habits by staying hidden in the background. The things she did when no one was looking. Like every time she poured a cup of coffee for one of the brothers, she took a big whiff. Her eyes would close and a slight smile played on her lips as the steam filled her nose. Or that she hummed while she cooked when she thought no one was around. Or that she liked to read outside, curled up in the same chair with the world’s ugliest blanket wrapped around her. And that her face conveyed every emotion of how she felt about the scene she was reading. She also talked to her baby—our baby—about what she was feeling and how happy she was to be bringing it into this world.
I also noticed how she winced anytime someone said a harsh word or cussed. And how she never said a bad word herself, despite all the time she’d spent here being around such unfiltered people. Fuck was a pretty common word in our vocabulary, after all.
I drank more and my thoughts shifted to the first night we met. The night Ellie gave me everything. The night that, for a moment, I’d let my guard down. From the moment I saw her, I felt her deep inside the darkest places of my soul and that feeling never went away. I think that was what scared me the most. It was what kept me from letting go. It was what brought the past up to haunt me. Worst of all, I was letting it ruin everything.
With half of the bottle gone, I was thrown so far back into the parts of my past I tried to keep hidden. The memories flowed in at a gut-wrenching rate. And I held onto a few, remembering every little detail about that moment.
Too far in the bottle to make good decisions, I stumbled out of my room. I made my way past the door that would take me outside, to where Ellie most likely was. I passed all my brothers in the bar, raising glasses to me in congratulations to my new patch. I shrugged off the pats on the back as gracefully as I could.
The change in command was an honor, but it was still hard to swallow the reality of it all. A reminder that one of our brothers was no longer there to take his rightful place at the table. Another thing that made me feel like shit.
I made my way through the kitchen, where I should have stopped. I should have made something to eat and sobered up. That would have been the smart thing to do, but at that moment, I was a dumb and broken man. I leaned on the entrance to where the club girls stayed. Ellie also had a room there. The first one on the left. But that wasn’t the door I was looking for. It was the one right next to it.
“Diesel?” Tammy said opening her door that I had just knocked on.
I didn’t say anything, and by the wicked smile that spread across her face I didn’t need to. Moments later, I was stripping her naked and throwing her down on the bed. She was clawing at the comforter in anticipation. I didn’t even bother taking off my clothes. I simply pulled my dick out of my unbuttoned pants and suited up.
With blurred eyes, I looked at Tammy on her hands and knees with her ass in the air. She was ready for me even before she reached between her legs and started to rub her clit. The whole sight should have sent a fire through me. I pushed the flashing warning signs out of my head. The ones that were screaming at me to stop. The ones telling me to turn around and leave. I was in a ‘fuck it’ mood and didn’t care. My dick was hard from thinking about Ellie sprawled out that night in my motel room. It had been a long time since I was balls deep in something and I needed a fucking release.
Without another thought, I shoved myself into her wet pussy, hard and fast. She cried out, her moans filling the room. I pumped faster and faster, watching as my dick slid in and out of her.
“Oh, yeah, fuck. Diesel!” she screamed almost at the top of her lungs. “You like fucking my pussy, Diesel?”
“Yeah,” I answered automatically. The truth was, I wasn’t thinking about Tammy. In my head, I wasn’t buried balls deep in her. I was with Ellie. The total opposite of Tammy. Sure it was fucked up, but no one makes good decisions when they are three sheets to the wind.
“Oh, God. Yes! I’m gonna come, Diesel. Fuck me harder. Yes!” Her chants kept coming.
At the time, I didn’t realize something was off. I should have, knowing how well I knew Tammy. I knew everything about sex with her. But the fact that she was being more vocal and loud was lost on me. Until I heard the faint ringing of a cell phone. It wasn’t mine and it was too muffled to be in the same room I was in. Then I heard Ellie’s voice give a shaky hello.
I never once cared about how thin the walls were. I never once gave it any thought. But in that moment everything hit me. I was the biggest asshole on the planet. I stumbled back, catching Tammy’s glance over her shoulder. The smug, evil grin that was plastered on her face. The devilish glint in her eyes. She fucking knew. She fucking played it up the whole time.
I stayed there, glued to the opposite wall from where Ellie’s voice was coming through.
“Hi, yes. Thank you, Doctor Wallace, for getting back to me so soon.” Even muffled through the wall I could tell her voice was wobbly. “And I’m sorry to bother you… yes… I still feel the same… I also have a bad headache that feels like it wants to turn into a migraine and my vision is a bit blurry… Okay… yes… Thank you, doctor. See you in a bit.”
Even from the one-sided conversation, I got that something was wrong. Fuck! I took one last glance at Tammy, who didn’t seem concerned about what we’d just heard and what had happened. I ripped the condom off and tossed it into the trashcan. I quickly tucked myself in my pants and buttoned them up. Without another word to Tammy, I was out the door; completely disgusted with myself and what I’d done. This was all on me. All the hurt that I’d caused Ellie was on me. Again.
I barged in Ellie’s room without even knocking.
“What the fuck is goin’ on?” I asked in a tone harsher than I meant it to be.
I was concerned and freaking out. What if there was something wrong with her? With the baby? Not knowing what was going on had me in a damn panic. I may have been trying my hardest to fight against the whole thing, but all I knew right then was that I couldn’t fucking lose them.