CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Diesel
Ellie passed out in my arms. I checked to make sure she was still breathing. Her heart was beating too fast. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t lose them.
I picked her up and rushed out the front door. Loch already had one of the SUVs pulled up to the front and ready to go. I hopped in the back seat as Reagan jumped into the front passenger’s side. I pulled Ellie’s limp body tight into me as Loch sped off. Her small body sitting on my lap, legs stretched out on the seat beside us and her head leaning against my chest.
Everything that had happened spun like a crazy rollercoaster through my brain. Tammy was dead. There was nothing that we could do. In all honesty, I didn’t give a fuck. I was glad she was gone. Because of her, I was on the verge of losing Ellie and my baby. I wished I could’ve revived Tammy just to kill her all over again. Fucked up? Yes. But there wasn’t an ounce of me that felt sorry for her.
I didn’t take my eyes off of Ellie as we drove. I didn’t want to let her go for fear that I would never get to hold her again. My hand moved to her belly. I was trying to send soothing signals to my girls through my hand or some shit. I would have done anything to make them okay. I would give my fucking life for them to live.
That was the moment I realized that I needed them. Maybe more than I had ever needed anything ever.
All of a sudden, I felt a wetness seeping through the front of my jeans. I reached around her body to feel what it was. As I pulled my hand back it felt sticky, and then I saw my fingers were coated with blood.
“Loch,” I said, feeling completely helpless. He looked up in the rearview mirror the same time that Reagan turned her head around. Reagan’s face went pale as she looked down at my lap. “Get us there now!” I barked and my voice cracked.
I was scared. There was no hiding it. But I knew I need to be strong for all of us. I couldn’t freak out. I couldn’t panic. I had to keep thinking they were going to be fine. Even if I knew it wasn’t looking good.
“Call the hospital, let them know we are comin’ and to be ready,” Loch told Reagan.
I could hear her on the phone, but my mind was too preoccupied with worry to make out what she was saying. I held Ellie close and whispered in her ear. I told her how much I needed her to stay with me. I told her to fight. I told her I knew she was strong and that I knew she would make it through this.
When we pulled up to the emergency entrance I refused to let her go. I held her hand as they wheeled her inside. A nurse put her hand on my chest to stop me from going into the room and I growled.
“Sir, I need you to stay out here. Can you tell me what happened?” I didn’t respond, I almost pushed her out of my way when Ellie’s hand slipped from mine. “Sir!”
“D, let them work,” Loch said, placing a firm hand on my shoulder.
I stood there, staring through the crack in the curtain as the doctors and nurses worked around her tiny, pale body in a blur. The nurse that had been trying to stop me, gave up on getting any kind of answer from me and she turned to Loch. I heard him behind me telling her a cleaned up version of the story.
After that, he sternly pulled me back down the hall and into the waiting room. I think I only went because I didn’t know what else to do. I flopped down in one of the chairs and put my head in my hands. The world around me grew dark as memories of my past took over.
I lower myself down onto the dull, blue chair. I feel sick and I’m afraid if I move I will lose it. So, I sit in the horribly bland room waiting for a doctor. Someone. Anyone that I don’t know. For them to tell me what it is that I already feel in my gut is true. The world around me is silent. Even though I can see movement, and I know that there are noises that go along with it, my brain doesn’t register anything. I don’t know how long I’ve sat here, staring blankly at nothing. The sound of a desperate and frantic mother screaming breaks through my soundless barrier. I know it’s Rachel’s mom, Mary, before I even look over at her.
Then the doctor appears in front of me and by the way he is holding Mary up, I know what he’s about to tell me. His words don’t register, but the slight shake of his head and the deep frown set on his face tells me all. Tells me what I already knew before I even got here. Tells me that my world is forever broken and gone.
“No, no, no! Not my baby!” Mary screams, now grabbing onto me for dear life.
What about my baby? I wonder. My baby that I will never even get to see. I will never get to hold. I’ll forever wonder if she would’ve had dark hair like me or big brown eyes like her mother. I wonder if she would have come into this world kicking and screaming or simply like a breath of fresh air. All the things I’ll never get to see, to know, taken away in a few short seconds.
I want to be angry at Mary. I understand how she feels. But I’m mad because I don’t get any time with my kid. At all. I’m not going to have twenty years of sharing laughter and tears that she had. Of scraped knees and broken hearts. I have an uneasy feeling deep inside that is whispering at me that this is Rachel’s fault. And for that, I am beyond angry. But I know I have no right to take it out on Mary. I loved them both, my unborn daughter and Rachel, and now they are just gone. I feel so empty and lost.
By the time the chief of police arrives and tells me it doesn’t look like it was an accident, I’ve grown cold and dark inside. I’m sure the only reason he showed up to tell me the information personally has everything to do with my family name. With who my father is. He informs me that the witnesses said that Rachel didn’t even hit the breaks after the car jerked off the road. She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt, either.
That’s when I realize that I was too happy and selfish to see what had been right in front of me all along. That every day she grew more distant and the light in her eyes began to fade more and more. That her talks of the future never included us together or a baby. It was always about what I would be doing and how she would land her dream job. She never got involved when I brought up baby names. She never even talked about our baby being a girl. All the things I didn’t see because I was so head over heels in love with her. She never talked about marriage and kids. She never got excited about the stupid house with the picket fence. I loved her blindly and she was just along for the ride. Until the ride didn’t go the way she wanted. I wish my eyes could have been opened before I lost them both.
Tank flopped down in the seat beside me, holding out a coffee to me. I took it, just to have something to do with my hands. My grip tightened around the cardboard cup, trying to stop the shaking in my hands. It was then that I noticed Loch was sitting on my other side and the room was filled with most of my brothers. It was also at that moment that I remembered that Lake had been hurt. I couldn’t believe I’d forgot about him.
“Lake?” I asked with a huge lump in my throat.
“He’s fine,” Loch said. “Got knocked out, probably has a few busted ribs. Axe said he came to not long after we got inside. He’s back there now gettin’ looked at.”
I nodded, my focus on the floor between my feet. I could breathe a little easier, but only a little.
“I can’t lose them,” I whispered not even bothering to fight back the tears.
“I know, brother,” Loch said patting my knee.
“I don’t know what the hell I did in this life to deserve this. It can’t happen again. Ellie is so innocent, she doesn’t deserve all this.” I didn’t know what I was feeling at that moment. Too many emotions trying to fight each other to get to the surface.
Time passed in a blur. It could have been minutes or hours, I didn’t know. All I could focus on was the blood spot on the front of my jeans. The dread set in more and more the longer the seconds ticked on. Loch tapped my shoulder. I looked up to see Sara Ann walking into the room wearing her doctor’s coat over a pair of bright pink scrubs.
She and Loch grew up together and she knew about the club. She’d helped us out on a few occasions and I was a little relieved that she was working. She looked at Loch and made her way over to us. I shot out of my seat like a rocket. She smiled sweetly at me and I hoped it was a good sign.
“I’m assuming it’s you I need to talk to, huh?” she asked with a tight smile. Was I that obvious? I didn’t fucking care. I didn’t have time for this shit. I needed answers. “Why don’t you follow me out into the hall so we can talk.”
“No,” I said more firmly than I meant to. “This is her family. Whatever you’re about to tell me, they need to know it too.”
“Alright,” she said with a tight nod.
“Spit it out Doc. I need to know they are okay. Don’t fuckin’ tell me otherwise,” I barked.
“They are stable. Both of them.” I let out a long breath nearly collapsing into Tank behind me. The ache in my chest dulled the tiniest bit. “She has what we call a placenta abruption. That is what caused the bleeding. We’ve stopped the bleeding and brought her blood pressure down. She’s resting right now.”
“What does that all mean? The baby—” I started, trying to understand everything.
“Is doing fine. She’s healthy and looks good. The placenta separated from the wall of the uterus. We are going to keep her here for a couple of days to monitor her and the baby. Rest and relaxation are the best things for both of them right now. I’m not sure what happened to cause her blood pressure to spike, but I recommend keeping her away from things that may cause stress.” Sara Ann’s voice was calm and for some reason that irritated me. Ellie and the baby were okay, but it didn’t sound like they were out of the woods. “Look, I know it’s a lot to take in. I talked to Doctor Wallace and he informed me that she has had a few bumps in the pregnancy. With that and now this, I am putting her on bed rest for at least two weeks. Have Doctor Wallace come out and check her a few days after we release her. And call him immediately if anything seems unusual. But first, let’s just get through these next two days.”
“What could happen?” It wasn’t that I wanted to think the worst, I only needed to prepare myself for what might come.
“The placenta could separate further. Oxygen flow to the baby could decrease. In that case, we would need to perform an emergency C-section. Let’s worry with that if we get there, okay?”
“Can I see her?”
“Yes, only you for now. When we get her into a private room and she wakes up, then a couple people at a time. We don’t want to wear her out.”
“Thanks, Sara Ann,” Loch said just before she turned to head out the room. “We’ll be here.” He patted me on the back as I passed him.
Sara Ann led me down the hall to Ellie’s room. More like a tiny box with a curtain for a door. I hesitated, afraid of what, I wasn’t sure.
“She’s going to be alright. They both will. Right now she needs support and positive thinking.” Sara Ann pulled back the curtain enough so I could go through.
There was a nurse checking Ellie’s vitals on one side of the bed. I slipped in at took the chair on the opposite side. Ellie’s skin looked pale and colorless. Her lips looked dry. I felt like if I touched her she would break. Her eyes were closed and I could see her chest rising and falling with a steady rhythm.
“We gave her something so she could sleep. She’ll probably be out for a while,” the nurse informed me with a small smile. I nodded at her as she headed out of the room.
I slowly inched my fingers across the bed to her hand. Her skin felt cold against mine. My body started to shake as I began to cry. Everything I’d been holding back, all the emotion and anger and fear, spilled over to the surface. And I didn’t bother trying to shove it back down.
“Baby, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I just need you to know that.” I was so close to becoming a blubbering fool. “My sweet, beautiful pixie. I’m here now. I’ll be here when you wake up. I’ll be there when our little girl makes her amazing appearance into this world. I’ll always be there. Please, please, just come back to me. I fucking need you.”
I stared at her face for what felt like forever. She didn’t move, but her chest still rose and fell. I tucked my head beside her belly and held her hand to rest on my other cheek. I wanted to crawl in the bed with her, but I was scared I would hurt them.
“You are my light, El. Everything was dull until I saw you that night. I didn’t know it then, but you are fucking it for me. No one else existed once I saw you. I tried my hardest to forget you, but I couldn’t. Every day after I left you I wished I hadn’t. I’m an asshole and I’m sorry. I was scared. I was terrified that it was too good to be true and that something like this would happen. It wasn’t that I didn’t want you. Or our baby. It was that I wanted it too much. And I’ve been there before.”
I took a deep breath. I wanted to tell her all about my past. I wanted to push through. But I also didn’t want to have to tell the story more than once and I had no idea if she could even hear me. So I waited.
A little while later, they moved her up a floor to a private room. The room was huge and I had a feeling that my brothers were to thank for that. A few of them came in to check on Ellie and me but they didn’t stay long. I knew they were giving me the space I needed. The TV on the wall was on and the news playing let me know it was after eleven at night. All of a sudden, Ellie’s belly tapped my head.
Holy fuck!
I turned my head and placed my free hand to where my head had just been. Sure enough, another little tap against my palm. I smiled wide.
“Hey there, baby girl,” I said, hoping she could hear me. “I’m here. It’s Daddy.”
Wow, that felt really strange to say. But good strange.
My ice heart warmed and I felt like I was flying as my baby tapped me again. I had no idea if it was her hand or foot, but I didn’t care. She was strong. And I was fucking proud.
“Diesel,” I heard Ellie whisper at the same time I felt her fingers twitch against my face.
At that moment, her voice was the best sound I’d ever heard.