CHAPTER EIGHT
Ellie
It had been three weeks since Diesel left me at the diner. Even though I tried not to think about him, not a day went by that he didn’t find some way to pop up in my mind. And I often wondered if he was thinking of me as well. I knew I was being a silly little girl, but my mind wouldn’t give it up.
Steven had been back in town for two days. I hadn’t yet seen him since he had been back. And while I had talked to him a few times when he was gone, I felt like we had missed so much in each other’s lives in such a short time. I was going to see him tonight, one of our scheduled nights, and it was going to be the night. I should have been anxious or excited but the truth was, I didn’t really feel much of anything. But rather than let myself over analyze why, I threw myself into getting ready. I made sure I had the perfect outfit and my hair was tame.
He’d called me earlier and asked if I would pick up dinner from his favorite restaurant. I knew exactly what to get him without having to be told. Baked chicken, roasted garlic mashed potatoes, and French onion soup. It was the same every time. I decided to get myself the special. Lately, I had been eager to try new things and did so whenever I got the chance. Maybe it was silly to be so excited about a new meal, but I had started to see life in a new light. I wanted a life that was not as plain as it had been. I realized that I was actually a pretty boring person and I wanted to change that. I wanted to open my eyes a little and experience things.
I got to Steven’s place and let myself in with my key. He wasn’t there yet, so I decided to get the table set for when he got home. Which should have been soon. The plates were all set, drinks poured, and I even lit a few candles. Then I sat and waited.
And waited and waited and waited.
The sun had set long ago and the darkness of night saturated the house. The flames of the candles danced, making shadows move on the wall mockingly. I stood and blew them out with a short, aggravated breath. I didn’t bother turning on any inside lights as I walked to the couch and flopped down. I just sat there, agitated and frustrated. When I finally looked at my phone, I noticed that it was two hours past the time he said he would be home. And yet, I still hadn’t gotten a call or a text letting me know he would be late. I sighed and my shoulders slumped.
He probably just got caught up at work again.
After what felt like an eternity, I saw his headlights turn into the driveway. Taking a deep breath, I cleared my head and pushed my sour mood away. I walked to the front door and opened it with a smile on my face. Immediately, I noticed the tension oozing off of him the moment he stepped out of the car, but I didn’t let it dampen my mood. He walked in and I threw my arms around him. I kissed his cheek and then I felt him relax into me.
“Are you hungry?” I asked in a cheerful tone.
“No.” He shook his head as he spoke. “Let’s just go upstairs.” Then he was pulling me behind him up to the bedroom.
Okay, I guess we are doing this right now.
I swallowed hard as he started taking his clothes off. He seemed to be in a hurry. I stood there awkwardly, wondering what I should do. He paused and looked over at me with a brow cocked.
“Please tell me you are ready for this.” His tone was harsh and made me flinch a bit. We hadn’t talked about the details of my night with Diesel, but he knew that I had at least honored his request. “Clothes off,” he commanded in a hard and unfriendly voice.
I jumped and fiddled with the buttons on my blouse with shaky fingers. Then I kicked off my shoes and slid my skirt down to the floor. I stood in front of him in my new matching bra and panty set. I’d bought it for this specific moment. I waited for him to notice. I suddenly felt like the choice of blush pink was all wrong. He looked over at me and I felt anything but sexy under his gaze. I felt stupid and awkward. I blushed hard and tried to push the hurt away.
“All of it,” he said and I quickly removed the rest of my clothing. His eyes roamed over me and an unimpressed look overtook his face. My eyes stung and my nose tickled. I took in a slow breath to keep the tears at bay. He laid down on the bed, his hands folded behind his head. “Show me your moves, babe.” He smirked at me as he nodded to his hard rod. I looked at him sprawled out and felt a little unexcited by the sight.
He wanted me on top. I didn’t know how to do that. Diesel and I didn’t get to that part. I felt the perspiration building up on my forehead. He reached into the drawer beside the bed and pulled out a condom. I watched as he rolled it on, standing there in stunned silence.
“Just in case, you know.” He sent me a look letting me know he wasn’t even sorry about his attitude. “When you get checked to make sure you don’t have any STDs, then we can talk about not using these.” I nodded, understanding. Birth control was also on the list of things to talk about with my gynecologist. Since up until recently, I didn’t even think I would need it.
“I have my yearly appointment in two weeks. Right before the wedding.” I sounded weak and timid, even to my own ears. And not to mention this wasn’t a very sexy conversation. It wasn’t helping to set me at ease or get in the mood.
“Right. Well, come on now,” he said as his eyes pinned with an an impatient gaze.
I moved with the pace of a turtle. I wasn’t nearly as ready for this as my body should have been. My eyes raked over his naked body trying to get my mind in the right direction, but for some reason, it didn’t work.
Steven wasn’t fit. He wasn’t fat either. He was just kind of average. He wasn’t tall or short. Although, he was still taller than me. Most people were. He didn’t have any tattoos or piercings. And he wasn’t remotely close to being as large down there as…
Don’t think about him. He may have been your first and it may have been amazing, but Steven is your future.
I sucked in a harsh breath and climbed onto the bed. This was my future and I was going to give it my all. However, my body was not responding like it should have been. Even as he touched me to pull me onto him I felt nothing. No spark. No tingle. No pull deep in my belly. His hands were free of callouses and felt too soft against my skin. His scent was clean cut and power hungry, almost making my stomach turn. He didn’t make any kind of movement to help me out at all and I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was all wrong.
“Um,” I said hardly able to look at him. “I, uh, need a moment. Maybe… you could kiss me.” He let out a hard, aggravated breath at my request. Like he shouldn’t even be bothered with such things.
“Look, Ellie. I’ve had a long, stressful day and I just want to come home and relieve all that. You should be ready for me. I thought that your little outing would help you grow up, but clearly, you can’t be the thing that I need.” His tone caught me off guard. Tears threated to cloud my eyes, but I held them back once again. I wasn’t going to cry like the little girl he obviously thought I was.
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” I said, my voice small and soft.
I sat up, straddling him, and felt his hardness nudge my entrance. He held himself up so I could sink down onto him. I wasn’t ready and was met with much resistance. He grabbed my hips and thrust up into me. I bit my lip to keep from crying out. It didn’t feel the greatest. I thought that maybe if I moved a little I would build up some lubrication.
“Oh, yeah. That feels so good, babe,” he said. I looked down at him, only to see that his eyes were closed. Something about it bothered me but I didn’t dare to say anything. Instead, I continued to move up and down.
It became easier and I felt like I got the hang of the rhythm. We moved, his fingers digging into my hips as he pulled me down harder each time. I watched him. His eyes never opened and his face changed into something unfamiliar. He grunted and panted hard. It felt strange. Like I was there but at the same time, I wasn’t. Like I was watching it from another point of view.
I wasn’t even close when I felt him start to pulse inside of me. Then he lifted me up and threw me onto the bed next to him so quickly that my head was spinning. Before I knew it, he was kneeling over me and ripping the condom off. His hand moved ferociously around his hardness until he began to spill out all over my chest as he yelled out to the ceiling. Then he flopped back down on the bed, eyes still closed.
I was in such shock of what had happened. I wasn’t sure what to really expect, but the whole thing was so far from what I had imagined. I felt weird and dirty. I stayed there frozen and sticky, wondering if he was going to bring me something to clean myself off with. But then he was asleep, his loud snores filling the all too silent room.
I wanted to curl up and cry. I sucked in a sharp breath and got up. I sprinted to the bathroom and finally let out a long breath behind the closed door. I showered, staying under the water longer than necessary. Until the steam no longer surrounded me and the spray was so cold it felt like little needles stinging all over my body.
I got out and dressed in my sleep clothes. Then went downstairs to clean up the dinner that was never even touched. I knew it was expected of me to stay, so that is what I did. This was my place and I would have to learn to live with it.
Sleep never found me that night. When dawn broke and Steven left for work not long after, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I needed to talk to someone, but I didn’t really have anyone.
Mom, she is supposed to be there to guide me and give me advice, right?
I headed home with a million questions bouncing around my head.