MATT

 

Waking up yesterday holding Alex was a bit of a shock to my system. Then her leaving with that deer in the headlights look freaked me out a little. I knew I’d fucked up. My feelings were all over the place. My head was fucking with me. All I could think about was not ruining our friendship, and by enforcing that, I think that’s exactly what I’ve done.

I spent pretty much the rest of the day talking it out with Nate, running through my options. It was clear that there’s something happening with Alex and me, but I’m not sure what. Our friendship is so important to me, and taking that leap over the boundary of friends to lovers scares the fucking shit out of me. Because I don’t have the best boyfriend record. Not that I’m not a good boyfriend, I am, it’s just that I don’t tend to keep a girlfriend for long. And if Alex and I were to move into that territory and we didn’t work, I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life.

Having sex with her, while utterly electrifying and the best experience of my life, was probably the worst decision I’ve ever made. I certainly wasn’t thinking with my head, and now I’ve gone and possibly fucked everything up. I have no idea how to fix us. I haven’t spoken to her since she left yesterday. I know Ria went to see her, so at least she’s had some support, but I should be there for her. After all, I’m the one causing her anguish, and I fucking hate myself for that.

I know Alex and Nate will be at the gallery today, so I’m going to go down there and see if I can fix this. Nate can hold down the fort while I talk to her for a bit. I gather my keys and wallet and head to my car wondering if I should take a bunch of flowers, but decide not to. Just in case she wants to be friends and it confuses the situation even more. I don’t even really know what I want, or what I’m going to talk to her about. I really should have planned this out. Going in blind is probably stupid, but at least I’m making an effort to sort this shit out.

I get in the car and try to think on the ride over about what I’m going to say, but everything seems wrong. I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do or say when I see her.

I should’ve got her flowers.

I’m an ass!

Parking my car, I get out and walk up to the gallery. It reminds me of the first time I came here and seeing her for the first time all those months ago when I thought she was supposed to be a man. I smile at the memory and clear my throat as I approach, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans. Taking a deep breath, I walk inside. The door dings letting them know I’m here. I’m happy to see no one else is browsing, giving me space to be with Alex when she comes out. She rounds the corner and stops still when she sees me. She’s dressed in her usual business attire that doesn’t suit her look, but her aqua hair is pulled back in a messy bun, and her makeup is done but not to its usual standard.

She looks tired.

Still beautiful, but tired.

She falters in her stride, staggering on the spot slightly when she sees me, and lets out a long breath like the sight of me has taken her breath away.

I exhale taking her in. I guess I’ve never really looked at her. Truly looked at her. She’s utterly stunning.

“Alex,” I murmur.

“Matt,” she whispers back standing steadfast in the doorway, so I decide to move instead. I start moving toward her and her eyes bug out like she’s shocked that I’m rushing toward her, but also like she’s stunned to the spot.

I breathe harshly through my nose as I get closer and stand right in front of her, looking into her eyes. Her usual sparkling brown eyes look at me like she isn’t sure what to do or say.

“I’m sorry,” I admit, and she slumps with a frown.

“For?” she asks.

“Fucking everything up.”

Alex nods and looks down to the floor. She looks broken. I hate it.

“I shouldn’t have asked you back to my place on Saturday night,” I say, and her head snaps up, and her eyes glisten like she’s trying to fight back the tears.

Shit! Jesus! I needed to word that differently.

“No, I mean we shouldn’t have slept together.”

She lets out a bemused laugh, takes a step back and looks away from me.

Shit! Even worse. Fuck, Matt!

“What I mean is… I don’t want to lose what we have, Alex, and I feel like us being together might have fucked everything up.”

Her nostrils flare, and her eyes are still downturned. “So you regret it?”

Shit!

“I ah… I enjoyed it—”

“Ha!” She laughs turning around and storming past me out into the gallery.

“What? Alex, wait!” I call out, and she turns back facing me.

“You enjoyed fucking me, and then letting me know you used me because you needed some comfort? Huh? Well, I’m certainly glad you enjoyed it.”

I tense up wincing at the obvious pain in her voice. She continues to storm off into the gallery toward the other side of the room.

I take off after her. “Alex, no it wasn’t like that,” I yell back at her.

She turns to face me, stopping her stride. “Wasn’t it? Because that’s sure how it seems. Poor Matt got himself into a bad situation. We all saved him. Then the poor love needed comfort. In comes Alex to the rescue, yet again, and saves the day. Yay, for Super-Alex, she should get a fucking gold star,” she says with extra sarcasm, as Nate walks out from the studio and looks at us both. He’s covered in paint and screws up his face.

I ignore Nate as he stands to observe, but says nothing, while I look back to Alex and shake my head. “I swear, Alex, it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t using you. In the moment I felt it, I needed you—”

“And then the next morning you didn’t. That’s called using, Matt. Look it up.” She blinks away a few lingering tears and continues, “I thought I was worth more than that.”

I storm toward her, but this time she doesn’t budge her stance. “You are. That’s the whole point of this, Alex. You mean so much to me! So much. Can’t you see that?” I reaching out grabbing her arms and holding on, probably a little tighter than necessary.

She still doesn’t move, looking in my eyes. “I don’t feel like I mean anything to you, Matt.”

I grit my teeth and shake my head. “Alex, your friendship means everything to me. Absolutely everything. I can’t lose you. That’s why what happened was wrong, because if we made this into something bigger than it needs to be and I lost you—”

She shakes free of my grip and screws up her face. “Don’t be ridiculous, Matt. Just be honest with yourself and with me. Don’t make excuses. We both know the reason you’re hiding behind the ‘we’re too good a friends’ banner,” she says, and I furrow my brows.

“What?”

She walks away from me toward the studio and Nate, throwing over her shoulder a death glare. “I don’t match your… stupid. Fucking. Rules. I don’t meet your expectations. I’m not fucking good enough for Matthew Levine…” She pauses for a second. “I can’t do this, Matt. I’m done,” she says and walks into the studio as my stomach sinks out of my body through my feet, and my heart races a million miles an hour. Nate grimaces at Alex as she walks past him, and he sighs looking at me and shakes his head.

“Good going, bro,” he says.

I grit my teeth, clenching my fists by my side, and slam my hand into the pillar beside me letting out a frustrated groan. “I should have brought flowers,” I murmur, and Nate lets out a stifled laugh.

“You should have brought her an offer of a relationship. Now you’ve lost her completely, and it’s no one’s fault but yours,” Nate says.

I look up to the ceiling wanting it to fall down on me. “Will you talk to her?”

“And say what? Are you willing to change your mind? And even so, I think it’s too late now. Good going, Matt, and you’re supposed to be the sensible one.” Nate turns walking back into the studio leaving me in the gallery completely alone.

I want to go out there and try to sort this out, but I’ve only made it worse.

Now she wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

I’ve lost her for good.

I’m a fucking idiot.

I bring my palm up smacking my forehead and turn, walking out of the gallery feeling like the moron that I am. My feet feel heavy as I walk back to my car, scuffing my soles along the pavement as I go. I’m a dick, a fucking useless asshole, for making her feel like she isn’t good enough for me. I hate she feels that way. She is good enough for me, probably too good for me. It’s just, she’s my friend, and I didn’t want to fuck that up. Now I have and I’ve lost her anyway.

I’ve never been good with relationships, I always fuck them up, and it just goes to show even friendships I seem to fuck up now too. Maybe I’m not the sensible twin after all? Maybe Nate was really the better twin all along, and he was just making me feel better about myself because I was, in fact, completely useless at everything. I’m not saying Nate was useless, not at all… see even my thoughts make me sound like an asshole.

Maybe I am!

Maybe I’m a complete fucking asshole.

Maybe that’s why my relationships don’t work. Because I’m too picky, too obsessive, too careful about my choices. In all things, not just relationships. That’s why everyone sees me as the sensible one. Because I don’t do anything exciting or adventurous.

Fuck! The most outrageous thing I’ve ever done was hire a crazy Asian as a Fung Shui guru off Craigslist. And I only did that to benefit Nate, not me.

When have I ever done anything crazy to benefit me?

The only other crazy thing I’ve done, obviously, is internet dating, and well, we all know how that’s going. So when I do, do something crazy for me, it inevitably backfires.

I can’t win.

Anyway, the point of this is maybe I’m the problem.

Alex is amazing, and there’s nothing wrong with her.

Absolutely nothing.

I hope she knows that. If there is one thing I don’t want in all of this is for her confidence to get a bashing because of me.

Shaking my head as I get to my car, I turn to look back at the gallery while taking a deep breath. I wonder if I should just waltz back in there and try to make it right. But what good would it do right now? Alex is fuming, and I need to give her some space. So I slam the door shut, deciding to make my way to the one place where I can let all my emotions out without anyone caring.