Matt and I walk into the office together. I’m grouchy after a restless sleep but Matt seems his usual chirpy self. He appears none the wiser of my depleted mood. We head in and even though I had a great time with Ria yesterday, I feel like I’m not good enough for her or for that matter, anyone right now. Making my way to the kitchen to grab a coffee, I’m hopeful caffeine will help perk up my mood that is until I spot Tillie.

“Morning, didn’t sleep well?” Tillie asks.

Raising an eyebrow, I tilt my head. “How’d you know?”

She smirks. “The black circles under your eyes are a little bit of a giveaway. Plus, your buttons aren’t lined up correctly.”

I look down to my shirt to see that my buttons are, in fact, not done up correctly. “Fuck.”

She pats my shoulder and winces. “Anything you wanna talk about?”

Sighing, I swallow hard. “Umm… yeah. When are we starting filming for the music video?”

She smiles. “This time next week. But Zaria will come in a couple of days beforehand to talk through the theme of the clip and wardrobe etcetera.”

“Okay cool. And thanks for making this happen, Tillie.”

She shrugs. “Hey, it was your idea. So I should be thanking you.”

With a grin I grab my coffee and pat her shoulder as I head off toward the studio where the rest of the band is currently waiting for a practice session.

Walking in, Ryan, Matt and Danger are set up ready to rehearse. I sip my coffee.

“Looking rather disheveled this morning, Nate. You have a messy night?” Ryan asks.

“Nah, just need caffeine and to bash it out on the kit then I’ll be right.”

Matt looks at me and winces. I nod to him letting him know I’m okay as I sit down behind my kit.

Oliver walks in and we all look up to him. “Morning kids. You guys ready to rehearse I’ll Take Your Breath Away?” We all nod as I skull back the rest of my coffee and place the mug down next to my foot pedal. “Okay let’s get right to it then.”

We all get set up and Oliver counts us in. I begin with the 4/4 timing. The song is slow, but the rhythm is anything but mellow with flams and paradiddles placed sporadically throughout. I slam my sticks down on the toms hard, the wood banging against the skin with a heavy beat. The vibration filling my veins with the love I have for percussion. The bass drum reverberates through my soul as I do the double beats quickly and without pause. I’m skilled at what I do, I know that not just anyone can play the drums well. I own my craft and I love it. Mix it with the sounds of Ryan’s guitar flowing through me, Matt’s bass vibrating against my skin and Danger’s voice echoing around the room it makes for a stirring experience.

I love this band and I adore being a part of something so damn special. My arms move with ease over the kit hitting the correct instrument at the exact right time. My muscles flexing and stretching with the tension of the movements.

Glancing up, I see Tillie and Lunar watching from the sound booth and I wonder what Ria would think if she were here watching, seeing my muscles flex, hearing us live and seeing the power of the music.

Would she melt like all the other girls do?

But more importantly, would she find me attractive while I play?

 

RIA

 

I’m in my living room thinking about Nate, wondering what he’s doing right now as I read through a possible script. It’s terrible. I mean a woman and her dog on Mars? I mean her dog? Really? Some movies are just too farfetched to be anything other than dribble. I throw the script down on the coffee table with a huff just as my doorbell rings. Glancing up toward the door, I purse my lips wondering who the hell it is but silently hoping it’s Nate. Walking to the door, the marble is cold on my bare feet, but I’m used to it. When I’m home I generally walk around in bare feet because in public I’m usually always in heels, so I like to relax when I’m at home.

Opening the door, I sigh when I notice my mother standing there. Her jet black hair frames her face perfectly as her oversized sunglasses crowd her face. Her bright red lipstick looks too young for her, but she smiles warmly making me smile in return.

“Ria… darling,” she gushes rushing forward and taking me into an embrace.

I hug her back and kiss both cheeks as we’ve become accustomed to doing, like fucking posh people. “Mom, what are you doing here?”

She pulls back with a scoff. “Well, it’s nice to see you, too.”

Rolling my eyes, I stand back to let her pass. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant I wasn’t expecting you. I’m surprised is all.”

“I know, darling. I’m only teasing. I just wanted to check in on you to make sure you’re making the correct decisions for your future.”

Furrowing my brows at her strange words, I shake my head. “I’m not following?”

Closing the door, I lead us down into the living room.

“Well darling, I heard you were doing a music video with some band called Recoil. Why would you want to do that? They’re not that famous. I mean you could go for Staked or Slayed, a band with more popular appeal?”

I roll my eyes. “Colter Slade is too old and Staked are English, Mom. I don’t want to leave the States. Plus, Recoil approached me and they’re lovely… and they are famous in their own right.”

“Well, doesn’t matter how lovely they are now, does it? The question is are they going to boost your career?”

I smirk. “Mom, I’ve won three Oscars. I’m pretty sure I’m boosting them. But I’m getting paid for it, so that’s all that matters… right?”

“Yes, but don’t fall for the lead singer like you have in the past. Rockers are always users and abusers… remember?”

Laughing, I shake my head. “The lead singer is in a happy relationship, Mom. So no need to worry there.”

“That won’t stop him from falling for you. You’re stunning, Ria.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Mom.”

“I’m not, Ria. Just don’t break up a happy relationship, okay?”

Opening my eyes wide, I shake my head. “Jesus Mom, what makes you think I would go for the lead singer and break up a happy relationship?”

“Kade? Backlash… ringing any bells?”

I groan. “Oh God… one goddamn mistake means I’m always going to go for lead singers does it?”

“Habits are hard to break, Ria.”

“One lead singer does not a habit make, Mom.”

“Okay! Remember this conversation when you two are getting all cozy and personal.”

“The only time I’ll be getting cozy and personal with Danger is when we’re filming. That’s it. I swear. I’ve been spending time with the drummer, though.”

“My God, Ria! Drummers are the worst. They’re dumb and drug lords!”

“Drug lords, Mom? Really?”

“I would not lie to you, Ria.”

With a long drawn out sigh, I stand up in frustration. “Mom, you gotta go!”

“Ria… be sensible, be smart, be safe.”

“Yes, Mom.” I grab her shoulders and lead her out of the room toward the front door. She turns the handle and steps out to the bright sunny day.

“Ria, you know I love you.”

“I know, Mom. I love you, too.”

“Okay, bye darling.”

“Bye Mom.”

Leaning in I kiss each of her cheeks and she swings around and walks off to her convertible. Taking a deep breath, I roll my eyes behind her back as she slides gracefully into her car and I watch as she drives off in the bright red Maserati that Patrick obviously bought her.

I think back to where we came from. The rags to riches story of our lives. If only my Aba could see us now. He’d hate who we’ve become. Who we’ve turned into. Yes, he’d be proud of me and all I’ve accomplished in my life, but this lavish lifestyle… it’s not our way. We’re not materialistic, he didn’t raise me to be about the money the way mother is now. He would be turning in his grave to witness such a thing.

It’s times like this that make me think about giving this all up, for him… but Mom suits this lifestyle. She’s good with Patrick, and she lived a hard life in Israel growing up—practically living on the streets begging for food for her family. Coming here and making a life for us was what was right for her. I’m not ungrateful, not at all, I just know that my Aba… my father, would most definitely not approve.

With a sigh I begin to think about how I’m going to handle the acting part of the music video with Danger. Considering my past with Kade, I know I’ve had a no-go zone around me with regards to rock stars. But I like Nate, he doesn’t exhibit the typical bad boy douche bag rock star persona so many of them do.

Walking back inside, I make my way over to the notebook that Nate was working in yesterday and look at the doodles of the doves. He’s very artistic and he should develop his art further. I wish I could spend the day with him again, but I have to go to the studio to see Patrick to talk to him about my next film—the one where I’m co-starring with Liam Hemsworth.

I’m a sucker for an Aussie accent.

I decide to send Nate another quick text to let him know I’m thinking of him, so I grab my cell and send him another picture of a clown fish. My lips turn up in a smile at my symbol for him, and as I go to put my cell in my bag it rings.

Glancing at the number it’s Nate. I’m a little shocked, as I didn’t expect him to call. Swiping the screen, I answer with, “Hey!”

“Hey. I wasn’t sure if that was your code for asking me to call you or just a general hi, so I thought I’d better call… just in case.”

With a little giggle like a silly school girl I say, “Well, it was more of a ‘hi,’ but I’m glad you called. I can’t talk for long, I have to head in to the studio. But do you wanna come over tomorrow night for another tutoring session?”

“Yeah, sure, sounds good. Can I bring anything?”

“Nope, just bring yourself and be prepared to learn!”

He chuckles and the sound is like heaven to my ears. It shocks me slightly that I even think that as my skin litters with goosebumps.

“Sure. I seem to be able to absorb it a lot easier than I have with other people who’ve tried tutoring me in the past.”

“I’m glad I can help.”

“Thanks for being so cool about this.”

“What are friends for?”

I feel proud that I’m able to help him when it seems no one else has been able to. It makes me think about whether or not I would have made a good teacher, because it was something I wanted so badly way back then.

 

NATE

 

As I drive to Ria’s mansion, I’m nervous. I know I’m going there as her friend and that she obviously doesn’t want anything other than that, but I can’t help but wonder what kissing her would be like. Those plump lips, that tiny, but curvy frame holding firmly against me. I’m growing hard just thinking about it. I rearrange myself as I pull up to the security encrusted gate. Jersey looks at me and nods. I like that he seems to know me now as he presses the button that opens the gate.

I drive in and park by the fountain. Ria walks out wearing a short, tight as fuck dress. It does nothing for my aching cock as I rearrange it again and get out walking up to her. She smiles leaning out and then gives me a tight hug. I turn kissing her cheek and she giggles grabbing my hand pulling me toward the door leading me inside and straight out to the pool like last time.

“It’s good to see you.”

“You too. You look great,” I say honestly.

She rolls her eyes. “Oh… this old thing,” she says with a sarcastic laugh.

Shaking my head, I grin as she takes up her usual spot on the sun lounge and I sit down on the one next to her. “So what’s the plan for today?”

She smiles throwing her hand in the air and clicking her fingers. I furrow my brows until I see a maid come rushing out.

“First things first… drinks. Marianna, sweetheart, can you please get Nate and me something to drink?”

Marianna smiles like she loves the hell out of Ria and nods. “Of course Miss Ria, the usual for you?”

“Yes, please. Nate, what would you like?” Ria asks.

“Umm… I’ll have your usual, too, please,” I say not knowing what it is and hoping for the best. Ria nods and Marianna smiles walking over to the bar.

Ria glances at me as I raise my eyebrow at her. “What?”

“You have a maid as well as a chef?”

She nods. “And a gardener, and a pool boy.”

“Okay. I’m gonna say it… wow!”

Her smirk falls as I lay back onto the lounge. “Do you think I’m a snob?”

I look at her and shake my head. “No, not at all. I think you’re a product of what your parents made you. But I can see by the way Marianna looks at you, that even though you have staff you treat them well. So that’s the main thing.”

She half-smiles. “Yeah, Marianna’s been with me a long time. I’ve thought about not having staff and doing things for myself. I do answer the door sometimes by myself. But then when I think about not having staff it concerns me that they would be out of a job and I don’t want to do that to them. Plus, I like the company when they’re here. Marianna is like another mother to me.”

Smiling, I glance over at Marianna, her salt and pepper hair frames her face. It’s only now I notice she isn’t wearing a maid’s outfit but normal everyday clothing. “She’s not dressed like a maid?”

“No, I don’t want her to be. She’s more than a maid to me. Marianna’s my friend, so I let her wear what she wants.”

“See, you treat them well. You’re a good person, Ria.”

“I hope so.”

“You are Miss Ria, and I love you dearly. Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear. Here’s your drinks, sparkling water with a splash of lemon, three cubes of ice and a straw for you Miss Ria. I didn’t think you’d want a heart-shaped straw, Mister Nate.”

Ria smiles at me. “Thanks, Marianna.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll be inside… you kids have fun.”

“We will. And Marianna…” she looks at Ria, “… I love you, too.”

Marianna smiles wide with a nod and walks inside leaving us to our sparkling water and the glistening sunshine.

“That was sweet,” I say and Ria smiles.

“Right, enough distraction… it’s time to learn, Mister Nate,” she says getting up from her sun lounge and moving over to mine. “Do you remember what I taught you last time?”

“Every bit,” I say honestly.

She pulls over the books, opening the notepad. “Okay, so what’s this word?”

I chuckle and shake my head. “Easy… it’s Ria. The dove kinda gives it away.”

She giggles and nods while flipping the page. “Okay, and this?”

I look at the word trying to avoid looking at the picture until I figure it out. “Heart.”

“Yes, great work.” She flips the page as her leg shifts right up against mine and she leans in closer so I can see better. Her body is leaning completely against me, and I take a deep breath as her perfume fills my senses.

“I was able to read the word without looking at the picture.”

She turns her head and stares at me with her eyes wide open. “Oh my God, really?”

I nod gazing directly into her eyes. She’s really close to me, only an inch at most away at the most. I can feel her breath on my face and everything in me is screaming at me to touch her in some way, but I don’t want to spoil the moment.

We’re close enough that if I leaned in a fraction more our lips would connect. My breathing quickens as she doesn’t back away this time. Her chest starts to rapidly rise and fall as we continue to gaze at each other drifting closer and closer to each other. The energy between us is scorching as I decide to just go for it, so I move forward.

“Miss Ria, a package came for you,” Marianna announces. As she rushes out the door, it causes Ria to open her eyes wide as we both back away rapidly. I pull back so quickly that I lose my balance on the sun lounge and slip off the edge hitting the pavers and then roll into the pool. The water is warm, but it hits me like frigid ice, completely spoiling the moment. I swim back up to the surface to hear bellowing laughter coming from Ria. As I wipe my eyes, I watch her rushing to the side of the pool. Seeing her laughing at my misfortune brings a smile to my face and makes me start to laugh too as she bends down at the edge of the pool.

“Oh my God, are you okay?” she asks through another giggle.

I nod through my chuckles and hoist myself up onto the edge of the pool. My clothes stick to me like a drowned rat, and she starts giggling bordering on hysteria again as we both stand up. I look down at my wet clothes and shake my head.

“Shit! It’s gonna suck getting into my car wet Iike this.”

Ria’s still laughing as she shakes her head and grabs my hand. “Don’t worry, my stepdad has some clothes here. You can borrow some of his. Follow me.”

I reach down and pull my shirt up and over my head wringing it out into the pool. Ria looks at my abs and chews on her bottom lip, then turns abruptly heading for the pool house. I grin and follow.

The pool house is like a house in itself or at least a large unit. It’s huge, being mainly open space with everything you need in one place. There’s a living area, a giant bed, a little kitchenette, and I’m sure the back area has a bathroom.

Ria heads to the sliding cupboard and pulls out a giant fluffy towel handing it to me. With a smile, I grab it from her hand and throw it around my neck. I’m not shy about my body, so I grab my shorts and pull them down, leaving me in my briefs.

Ria gasps as she gawks then pulls her lips in tight while I grab the towel and start to dry myself. She finally turns—after having a good look—back to the wardrobe and starts pulling out some clothing laying it on the bed. I watch her as she turns to look at me again.

“Well, I’ll let you get changed.”

Smiling, I nod. “Sure… thanks.”

She looks me up and down once more shaking her head slightly then walks out. I smirk as I step over to the clothes to see a pair of white shorts and a polo shirt. Very golf-esk. But not very rock-n-roll at all. Guess I can’t be picky right now, so I pull down my briefs and dry off fully getting changed.

Once dressed, I head outside and Ria turns spotting me. Her face turns up in a giant smirk as I shake my head.

“I’m not much of a golfer.”

Her hand moves to her mouth to cover her laugh and she winces. “I’m sorry, but it’s all I’ve got.”

“No, it’s fine. A change is as good as a holiday.”

Ria sits back down on the sun lounge. “Can you draw me something?”

“What would you like?” I ask and sit down.

She purses her lips. “An underwater theme.”

Grabbing the pad and colored pencils, I get to work as she sits back and watches silently. She takes it all in as I draw the scene using various techniques. She watches the entire time not taking her eyes away from the page. It’s relaxing and I love that she’s so into my art.

I finish the last stroke of color and take a deep breath looking at my work. It’s bright and colorful. I rip it from the notepad and hand it to her. She looks at it and her eyes sparkle and her lips turn into the brightest of smiles. “It’s perfect.”

“For what?”

“For the wall in the pool house.”

I jolt back in shock. “You want it on the wall… in your pool house?”

“If that’s okay, artist?”

Shaking my head slightly, I exhale. “Umm… yeah. No one’s ever liked my art enough to have it on their wall before.”

“Well, I love your stuff, Nate. I’d have a piece of you on every wall if I could.”

I can’t hold back my smile feeling uplifted and happy that I’m coming out in front for once. “Why are you so good to me?”

“Because you deserve someone to be on your side. Because there’s more to you than people realize, you just don’t let people in.”

Swallowing hard, I sigh. “I want to let people in, I’m just scared of what they’ll think of me when they find out.”

“That you can’t read?”

“Yeah that, and why.”

She looks at me and her eyes soften. “Let me in, Nate. Tell me why.”

Tensing up, I let out a long drawn out breath as my shoulders sag. I look down to the ground as I clasp my hands together and nod. “When I was five my mother was putting me to bed. She was reading to me and in turn, teaching me how to read. She was trying to get me to read to her. I couldn’t get the words right, no matter how hard I tried, I kept stuffing it up then she started breathing heavily. I thought she was angry with me, so I tried harder, I really tried, but she clutched at her chest and cried out in agony. I had no idea what I’d done to her. She was in so much pain and I thought I’d caused it… I was only five at the time, I didn’t know any better.

“She was panting, heaving for air, and she was passing in and out of consciousness right in front of me. Her face was bright red, her eyes vacant. She wasn’t with me, but the whole time I just remember the intense strain on her face. The tight fists her hands were clenched in. My screams echoing through the house. I was so young, I had no idea she was having a massive heart attack and she died right in front of me on my bed...” My heart races as my breathing quickens and I pause for a second trying to regain my composure, “…I haven’t been able to read since. I panic every time I’m supposed to read anything. It all floods back. Her face, her pain, I associate words with Mom’s death and I can’t get past it.”

Ria nods and exhales, her eyes glistening with an intense sparkle like she’s trying so hard to keep it together. I know the feeling. I hate talking about this, to be honest, I’m not sure I have actually spoken about this to anyone. But I continue, “So, obviously Matt knows that I associate reading with Mom’s death and that trying to read brings up the memories of her. What he doesn’t know is how I couldn’t cope with the feelings. Sure, he knew that I struggled as a kid. Matt knew that I was considered the ‘loser’ twin that everyone looked down on. He tried so hard to help me, but the problem was me, I was the one who really thought low of myself. Knowing I couldn’t read and couldn’t further myself in any way, made it hard to think highly of myself. Growing up with the ‘loser’ mentality…” She tries to interrupt, but I put up my hand and continue, “No… me thinking it… everyone else thinking it… it fucks with your head.”

I give her a small smile, her eyes twinkle with understanding.

“Matt protected me the best he could. He knew I was suffocating and suffering, but he didn’t know the extent of the inner demons I was fighting. The inner guilt, the inner doubt, the inner hate of myself. I can’t read and it’s because every time I tried, I’d have nightmares about killing Mom all over again…” I pause trying to rein in my inner panic. “Do you know how fucked up that is? Feeling like you killed your Mom all because you’re trying to read?”

She gasps and tightens her hand on my knee while I watch her bottom lip quiver. “Nate, you know that’s not true, right? There’s no way… no possible way you’re to blame for your mom’s death. It was a heart attack, you can’t blame yourself. There was nothing you could’ve done to save her.”

I smile weakly. “The fucked up thing is I know that. I know it’s not my fault now. How can you kill someone by reading, right? But I was five and I didn’t know better. I grew up thinking I’d caused it and somehow in my fucked up head, it’s ingrained now that reading is like a death sentence. So instead of reading, I turned to other vices to cope and to make it through the tough times.”

She half-smiles. “Music?”

“And art. They both helped to pull my emotions out. With percussion I was able to take my anger on the kit. Hitting the skins made it easy to take out the frustrations of the day on something other than peoples’ faces, which I was doing until Matt introduced me into music.”

“You have a lot to thank him for,” Ria suggests.

“I do… art, on the other hand, was something that came to me naturally. I’d drawn ever since I could hold a pencil, and although my drawings started off dark in my younger years, they gradually flourished into actual artistry. I found somewhere I could go where no one could find or judge me, and just expressed myself on paper, or canvas when I could afford it. Matt never knew the extent of my drawing capabilities because I kept it all so completely hidden from him. I found somewhere where I could be Nate, the artist… be me… and not care about anyone or anything. Somewhere where I could let my emotions pour out on the canvas and have everything flow out of the tip of the brush. Painting helps me feel, it’s how I write the words I simply can’t.”

She smiles. “That’s beautiful, Nate. I’m glad you have an outlet. I’m so sorry you had such a hard childhood, though. It kills me to think of how hard you had it.”

Swallowing hard, I nod. “It was hard. Kids would beat me for being a ‘dumbass’ as they put it. Matt would always try to fend them off as best he could. He tried, he really did, but he still doesn’t know the extent of the damage done to me in school. I kept most of the beatings and tormentings from him. I guess losing my mom really threw me off course, and I was kind of floating in the wind. I was, still am, kind of… lost.”

Ria sniffs beside me and I glance up to see a few tears falling down her cheeks.

“Oh shit! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

She shakes her head, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand then places her hand on my knee squeezing it tightly. “No, don’t be sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just… I lost my dad when I was young, too. So, believe me, I know how that can affect someone’s psyche. Don’t worry you’re not strange, it’s not bad, but you’re relating reading to your mom’s death. No wonder you’ve been avoiding learning. But Nate, you’re a grown man, and as much as it hurts you need to push past it. You’ve been doing so well, considering. I had no idea that was the reason.”

Sighing, I feel lighter for telling her. “No one apart from Matt knows. Danger and Ryan know our mom died, but they don’t know the damage it did to me in the process.”

“I’m proud of you for telling me all of this. I can only imagine how hard this has all been on you over the years.” She leans in hugging me tightly and I wrap my arms around her taking her in. Her hair smells amazing and even though I feel lighter for getting that out, I need her comfort right now. She pulls back, but not very far, still in my grip. Her face is so close to mine as she looks me in the eyes.

We’ve done this dance so many times I’m not sure if right now I could handle another rejection. My breathing quickens as my heart races in my chest. Her lips part infinitesimally but I won’t make a move this time. We’re staring at each other both breathing erratically, electricity surging between us sparking off in all directions.

It’s almost getting too much for me to take when her eyes sparkle and it’s like something clicks and registers on her face. She rushes forward, her lips crashing to mine taking me by surprise. Her hands run up my chest and neck, then into my hair. Breaking free from the shock, I open my mouth kissing her back as I close my eyes, relishing in the moment.

My hands run up, one on her back, the other caressing her cheek. The kiss is sensual, deep and full of passion, everything I want it to be. Our tongues collide together in a flurry of desire. It’s intense and lasts longer than I imagined our first kiss would, but I’m not complaining, not at all. I’m fucking enjoying every minute of it as I pant through my nose for air.

Suddenly, Ria pulls back breaking the kiss as she slides away from me like I have a disease or something and her hand flies to her mouth. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Furrowing my brows, I shake my head. “Why? It was amazing?”

She stands up starting to pace. “No! We’re friends. That’s all this can ever be, Nate.”

My stomach sinks while my chest aches. I breathe heavy as I watch her pace back and forth almost in a state of panic.

“Okay… I better go.”

She simply nods, wrapping her arms around herself for comfort and turns walking inside. I stand up feeling deflated and annoyed that she obviously denies her attraction to me, but I gather my stuff and head through the house, where Ria is nowhere to be seen and let myself out.