RYAN

 

As we walk up toward the building to head in for our first round of Yoga for a while, Tillie pulls up her bag frantically checking inside for something, but it seems she’s coming up short.

“Damn it,” she calls out.

I furrow my brows at her. “What’s up?”

“I think I left my cell at home.”

I shrug. “That’s okay, just use mine.”

“But mine has all the log in details for Facebook and stuff, it’s only a few minutes away. You go up and get started, I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll come with you.”

She shakes her head. “No, don’t be silly. You go in and get started. I won’t be long.” She leans in hugging me and plants a chaste kiss on my lips. “I love you.”

Smiling, I wink at her. “I love you right back.”

I hand her the keys and she rushes back to the car hopping in and reverses out heading out into the intersection. I turn and head for the door when I hear tires screeching. My muscles clench and my breathing stops as I hear an almighty crash.

Metal against metal.

Glass smashing and shattering.

Tires grinding.

My stomach churns as I hesitate to turn, but when I do my feet move before I even register the sight before me. I’m panting and my side hurts, but I’m running and pushing as hard as I can to get to the intersection where Tillie’s car is on its side and a 4WD is completely crushed in at the front.

“No, no, no, no, no,” I call out through staggered breaths.

Katie was taken from me in a car wreck.

Tillie can’t be too.

Surely the gods wouldn’t be so cruel.

My feet feel like lead weights as I reach Tillie’s car. It’s a mess and I stop in shock, taking in the crumpled metal.

“Tillie,” I call out as sirens blare down the road knocking me back into gear. I race to the broken windshield to see her hanging on her side still strapped in by her seatbelt, so I climb in and grab her bleeding face. “Tillie, baby?”

She murmurs and her eyes flutter open. “Ryan, what the…” she looks around and panic starts to etch on her face.

“It’s okay, baby. You’ve been in an accident, but there’s people coming,” I say as my stomach flips. “Are you hurt?”

She moves her hands out to the side holding her up. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Good. I’m gonna undo your seat belt, you’re probably gonna fall.”

She nods taking in a few breaths and bracing herself. I reach up and undo the seat belt, she falls but I grab her, pulling her more toward me and the broken windshield. We fall back on the hood with a huff, and I wince as she lands on my right side where I had my surgery. A sharp pain rips through me, but I try not to let on. Standers-by are quickly at our sides as Tillie rolls off me and I struggle to sit up.

“Are you okay, miss?” someone asks.

I feel myself shutting down already.

The sound of a child crying startles me and I look up to see a woman step out of the other car and grab a young toddler from the back seat. My body shakes violently and bile creeps up my throat as I look at her comforting her daughter. My mouth floods with saliva as a ringing sound starts in my ears so loud I can’t stand it. My stomach lurches and I hunch over expelling the contents of my stomach all over Tillie’s crumpled mess of a car.

A hand is on my back rubbing and soothing, but the wrenching continues. My side hurts, my chest hurts, and my head is a fog.

Tillie could have died.

That mother and child could have died, just like Katie and Maddie.

Hot tears prick my eyes and my breathing comes in rushed and hard. My fingers feel numb as a cold sweat rushes over me, but I’m boiling hot at the same time. My chest heaves as I hunch over grabbing my knees trying to get in some much-needed air, but nothing is working.

Suddenly, someone slaps a mask on my face and a rush of oxygen pummels my mouth and nose. It’s enough to shock me back to the present, to stop me thinking of how they died and to focus on Tillie. My eyes flick up to see an EMT, and next to him is Tillie who’s watching me with a furrowed brow. My breathing calms as everyone studies me while I come down from my panic attack.

“Hey Ryan, are you with us?” the EMT asks. I nod. “Were you in the car?”

“No,” I reply.

“I fell on him. He had liver surgery twelve weeks ago. I’m so sorry, Ryan. Are you really hurting?” Tillie asks obviously thinking this is a reaction to the pain in my chest. It is… just not liver pain. This pain is off and up to the left more, this pain is firmly in my heart.

“I’m okay, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare anyone,” I say, and the EMT shakes his head as he takes my blood pressure.

“No need to be sorry, son, rather have you taken care of than fending for yourself. I think you should come to the hospital to get checked out, just to make sure everything is okay.”

“What about Tillie? Is she okay?”

“Just a bruised shoulder from the seat belt and a couple of gashes from the glass,” she says.

Nodding, I exhale slumping my body in relief.

She’s okay!

“Let’s get you to the hospital, yeah?” the EMT asks and I nod, taking in some deep breaths through the oxygen mask.

He leads Tillie and me over to the ambulance and we climb in. He hooks me up to a bunch of beeping shit and Tillie grabs my hand. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to fall on you.” Her eyes fill with tears.

“It’s okay, don’t worry. I pulled you onto me, it’s my fault. But what happened with the crash?”

Tillie exhales. “The lady ran a red light, hit me right on the side and flipped my car.”

“Glad she didn’t flip hers with the kid in the car,” I murmur and Tillie nods.

“Me too. I hope you’re okay,” she whispers.

“I’m so tired,” I admit.

“Close your eyes,” she says, so I do.

 

***

 

I wake up in emergency with a doctor looking over me, while Tillie is on what looks like my cell.

“Hey, sorry to wake you, Ryan.”

“It’s okay, doc, have I done any damage?”

“I don’t think so, just some bruising. But I want to keep you in overnight just to be sure, but you should be able to go home tomorrow.”

“Great, thanks.”

He walks out and Tillie gets off the cell just as Danger and Lunar walk in.

“You big cock! Going and rescuing damsels in distress and ruining all your good progress in the process. What will we do with you?” Lunar asks, and I want to laugh, but I’m drowning in memories of Katie and Maddie. Their faces are all I can see, and Tillie’s is joining theirs in a mishmash kaleidoscope of images. Then an image of her headstone next to theirs chills me to the core—losing her would end me. And I nearly lost her today in the exact same way.

I can’t let that happen.

I can’t be around to watch her leave too.

So I have to do the only thing I can think of to save myself.

“Tillie,” I murmur.

She steps up to me with a smile and caresses my face, but I flinch away from her gritting my teeth. “Yeah, baby?” she asks.

“Leave,” I demand.

Danger looks at me shaking his head like he can already read my mind.

“What? Why?” she asks sounding shocked.

“I don’t want you here.”

“Ryan,” Lunar chides.

“Stay out of this, Lunar!”

“Ryan, I don’t understand,” Tillie says as I turn my face from hers.

“It’s simple, Tillie, we’re done. I don’t want you anymore. Now go! Get out of here, now.”

She takes a step back and a small sob escapes her mouth. “You don’t mean that you’re just high on painkillers.”

“They haven’t given me any, and I’m seeing the clearest I have in months. This isn’t a joke. Get. Out!”

She steps back so harshly she bumps into a tray and the instruments all fall to the floor as she turns rushing out.

My stomach twists as my chest tightens knowing I’ve just ended a really good thing.

But it’s for the best… isn’t it?

 

TILLIE

 

I rush out of Ryan’s room, my heart shattering into a million pieces. Tears gush down my face as I scurry through the maze of the emergency department.

This morning we were happy. We were in love. What the hell changed?

“Tillie?” Danger’s voice echoes down the hall behind me.

I stop and turn waiting for him to catch up to me even though I’m a sobbing mess. He grabs me pulling me in for a hug. I fall into his grasp and hug him back needing the comfort.

My heart is breaking and I see no logical reason as to why it should be. “I don’t understand?”

Danger pulls back looking at me and sighs. “I do. It’s not your fault, Tillie, just know that.”

“But why? Is he mad ‘cause I fell on him and hurt his liver again?”

Danger shakes his head. “No. Car accidents are a sore point for Ryan. It brings back bad memories. I think he’s shutting you out rather than dealing with the memories. Don’t worry, I’m going to try and sort him out. He needs to see sense in this or he’s going to waste away. I won’t let that happen again.”

“Should I stay away from work?” I ask through a sniff.

He shakes his head. “No. He needs to see you, to know you’re not giving up on him.”

Sighing, I swallow hard. “Okay, just take care of him at the house.”

“I will, don’t worry. And Tillie, I’ll work on getting him to tell you everything.”

“That would be nice.”

“For now, go home, try to get some sleep and rest. You’ve had a massive day.”

“Thanks, Danger.” I hug him once more and turn walking out of the hospital feeling completely lost and out of reality.

Heading for the taxi rank, I slide into the back of the cab telling the driver where to take me. The entire ride home I’m numb. I have no idea what’s going on with Ryan, I wish he would just have the balls to tell me. I feel like there’s this huge secret he’s keeping from me, and like there’s this side to him I know absolutely nothing about. It makes me question whether I really know him at all.

When I arrive home, it feels empty. Piper isn’t here, neither is Hunter. They’re still at Roxie’s and with my cell still at Ryan’s house, I can’t call Roxie to bring them over. I was using Ryan’s cell at the hospital to call everyone.

So not only am I now single, I’m completely alone. And as I curl up in bed lonely and emotional, I cuddle into my pillow letting silent tears fall into the crisp white fabric as I let myself wallow for the night.

 

RYAN

 

“What the actual fuck, dude?” Danger asks as he comes in to take me home after a sleepless night in a hospital room.

“Don’t start. It’s self-preservation. I can’t be in a relationship again. I thought I could, but I just can’t do it.”

“That’s a copout, Ryan. I know seeing Tillie in an accident must have brought back some fucking shitty memories, but dude, you love her don’t you?”

I scoff standing from the bed, gathering my stuff. “Haven’t you heard the saying ‘sometimes love just isn’t enough’?”

“Bullshit! Another fucking copout. Dude, when I thought I lost Lunar that was the lowest moment for me. I know that’s how you feel now. You’ve come so far. I don’t want to see you spiral.”

“I’m not going to spiral, I’m just going to move on. There’s a difference.”

“Fuck, man.”

“Danger, let’s just go home, okay? I’m sick of smelling like antiseptic.”

He slumps his shoulders and shakes his head. “Fine, just don’t be a fucker.”

“Me? Never.”

 

***

 

We arrive home and as I walk through the door Lunar rushes up to me and practically jumps on me. Her arms wrap around me instinctively as her body slams into mine giving me the biggest hug humanly possible.

I do love this chick.

“I’m glad you’re home,” she says warmly.

“Me too, hospitals suck.”

She pulls back and she looks at me with an all too serious stare. “I’m always here… if you need anything and I mean anything.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that. But for now, I’m just gonna go lay down for a bit.”

She nods. “Sure, of course, whatever you need.” She lets me go completely and I walk past, up the stairs heading for my room. The one I’ve been sharing with my… with Tillie. Who won’t be there.

Opening the door, I exhale. The bed sheets are still in disarray from our lovemaking the morning of the accident, and I squeeze my eyebrows together at seeing all her stuff is still here. Taking a deep breath, I walk in and close the door behind me then lean up against it taking a moment to let it truly sink in.

Her stuff is here, but she isn’t. And probably never will be again.

But it’s for the best.

I have to protect myself.

Sighing, I nod and step away from the door heading toward my bed and I sit down on the edge. Something glistens against the ruffles of the pillow, and as I reach up for it I notice it’s Tillie’s necklace. As I bring it up to look at it, I sigh. I thread the little tree with aqua leaves on it through my fingers as I try to tell myself I’m doing the right thing by letting her go. I just don’t know how things will go seeing her tomorrow.

I spin, slumping my back down on the bed and bring the necklace up to my chest and close my eyes. I can smell her. She’s all around me and just for a moment I want to pretend she’s here. I want to remember what it was like having her with me because I know that soon her smell will be gone and all I’ll have left is the memory of her.

 

***

 

Danger’s driving us to the office and to say I’m a little tense today is an understatement. I don’t know how I’m going to react to seeing Tillie, but I brought her necklace with me so I can give it to her. I know it’s her favorite, so she should have it.

We arrive and all file up into the building. I’m not sure where she’ll be but I need a coffee to take the edge off. Danger and Lunar are with me on needing some caffeine, so we head straight for the kitchen. When we approach my arms begin to tingle and the hairs on my body stand up. I furrow my brows not really taking notice, but then we turn the corner and as we walk into the kitchen Tillie is there making coffee. Everyone stops and an awkward silence falls over the room as my heart leaps into my throat at seeing her. She looks beautiful. Her face is pale, her eyes slightly puffy and redder than normal, but even still she looks beautiful. It makes my cock and chest ache equally as hard.

Tillie clears her throat, grabbing her mug and turns to walk out.

“Tillie,” I call out and she stops. Her eyes widen and brighten slightly as if she’s looking hopeful. It makes my chest hurt even more. But I’m doing the right thing. I pull her necklace from my pocket and hand it back to her along with her cell. She swallows hard not saying anything, but takes them from me, nods and then turns walking out.

“That was brutal,” Lunar says walking out after Tillie while Danger rubs the back of his neck.

“You’re really ending it? For good?”

I nod. “I have to.”

He exhales, slapping my shoulder and shaking his head. “Okay… club, you, me, boys’ night, tonight?”

“Fuck yeah.”