The disarray of the bedsheets hits me first as I step into my bedroom to get changed, and then memories of Alex surround my senses. Her smell, her taste, her touch. I tense up as I remember last night—moving against her, moving inside her. My cock twitches thinking about it, and I swallow hard turning away from my bed and walking to my robe. I need to focus my energy on something else for a while, until I can pass enough time to try and make contact with her again.

Once changed, I rush out of my room down to my home gym to work out some much built up tension. I get to work, pushing hard to my limit quickly. I don’t even bother to warm up before moving straight into a fast cardio round. My chest is glistening with droplets of sweat, and my heart is racing as I push myself, trying to propel through the anguish I’m feeling. All I want is to talk to her, but having to wait is a form of torture. I pick up a twenty pound weight then sit on the floor and start doing Russian twists. Puffs of air force out of my mouth with the added pressure, and I groan while pushing harder and harder until I break and fall backward. The weight falls on my chest, and I make an “oomph” noise as it falls. I slide the weight off me onto the floor, and I lay there panting, trying to catch my breath. My stomach aches and I close my eyes just trying to breathe. Not from overworking myself, but from the sheer fact that I’m in limbo and can’t do jack fucking shit about it.

I glance up at the clock on the wall to see it’s gone past six thirty, and Alex leaves the gallery at six, so I’m hoping she’ll be home by now. Feeling slightly unsteady on my legs as I slowly get up, I grab my water bottle and take a long sip. Reaching for my towel, I wipe my brow and head to the kitchen to make a protein shake and to try and call Alex again. I grab my cell, then I quickly add in the protein and water and dial her number putting it on speaker as I give the bottle a shake.

It rings, and instantly I tense up waiting for her to answer, but again, it keeps ringing as I continue to agitate it a little more vigorously than normal until it rings out.

I sigh and take a sip of my shake as I dial her number again.

It rings and rings and rings.

Nothing.

My sneaker taps aimlessly on the floor as I wait impatiently for her to answer.

But nothing.

I figure if she doesn't answer my calls then maybe if I send her a text, at least then she will read it, and maybe see that I want to talk to her and apologize?

So I walk over to the sofa and take a seat. I need to word this right, I can’t say the wrong thing again.

 

Me: Alex, I’m so, so sorry. Please pick up the phone so I can talk to you, and we can hash this out. I know I fucked up. You are worth so much to me. I can’t imagine my life without you, Alex. Please don’t let this be it for us!

 

I hit send and take a deep breath watching as the signal shows sent, then soon after delivered. I sit and wait, and wait, and wait, but it doesn’t mark as seen. I’m not sure if she isn’t by her phone at the moment, or if she’s completely ignoring my messages now too.

“Fuck, Alex c’mon, just look at it,” I murmur and keep watching my sent text, but nothing is happening. I’m becoming more and more anxious as the time passes, and I decide to try calling her again. It rings twice, and she hangs up on me. My stomach falls through the floor and my heart races frantically. So she is there, just ignoring everything from me.

Wow.

I’ve really fucked up.

Throwing myself back into the sofa, I sink into the cushions. “Good job, Matt,” I murmur as I exhale and decide to let it go for tonight. She’s already super pissed at me, and doing anything else tonight will antagonize her further. I have to let her cool off.

Tomorrow, I will try harder.

Tomorrow, I will get Alex back on side.

 

***

 

Every time my cell would go off I was on edge last night, hoping and praying it was from Alex. But nothing came through from her. I had messages from Nate, Ryan, and surprisingly Charlotte from Lovepessimist, but nothing from the one person I really wanted to talk to. Alex has shut me out completely and I hate it. But today is a new day, and I’m going to keep trying to get in contact with her. And if she still doesn’t answer my calls or messages then I have an idea for tonight, seeing as it’s Tuesday and we normally spend the evening together. I don’t want to push her, but I want her to know that I’m not going to bow out without letting her know I am here and willing to show her I care.

Rolling over in bed, a bed that still smells of Alex, I grab my cell from my bedside and look at it to see my message from yesterday is still unseen by her. Huffing, I press her name to call her. It rings out and goes unanswered yet again. Pursing my lips in a scowl, I flare my nostrils and try once more. The same happens, and I wonder if she’ll keep this up all day.

Getting up, I walk over to my en-suite, place my cell on the bench making sure the volume is up loud, so if she calls I will hear it over the shower and get on with my day.

Throughout the course of the day, I call her in lots of two, every few hours. And every time the calls go unanswered. The message from yesterday is still unseen, and I’m starting to think I’m going to have to enact my plan for tonight because obviously persistent calling is not working in this case. So, instead, I send instructions to Scott, in fine detail, to make sure he gets nothing wrong. I know technically he’s security and this is not his job, but he’s also my friend, so I’m sure he won’t mind doing this favor for me. A short time later he responds.

 

Scott: Sure. What time do you want me to deliver this?

 

I look up at the clock seeing it’s just gone six and she should be leaving soon. So I type back my reply.

 

Me: In about half an hour. Then hopefully once you deliver it, she will call me with a thank you or at least message me, right?

Scott: I’ll say something like he’d love to hear from you?

 

Pursing my lips, I wonder if that’s a good idea or not, but figure, why the hell not.

 

Me: Yeah, if you think it will work. Suss her out, see how she’s reacting to the gift. But yeah, I’d like a full report obviously.

Scott: Obviously. Okay gotta go, got some shopping to do…

Me: Thanks bro

 

He doesn’t reply, and I figure it’s because he’s already off buying my gifts for Alex. I really hope she likes what I have in mind for her. I thought about what means something to us, and I’m hoping that will be what gets it across the line for her wanting to talk to me again. Now all I can do is fucking sit here and wait.

 

***

 

It’s an hour later, I’m nervously sitting by my cell, waiting aimlessly for something, anything from either Scott or Alex. One of them to tell me how it’s going when I hear a knock on my door. I furrow my brows and stand up from the sofa, walking toward the door, wondering who the hell this could be. Then it dawns on me, it might be Alex. Maybe she’s come over after Scott gave her my gifts, and she’s so happy that she’s here to make up?

I smile widely while rushing to the door, my feet get tangled in each other slightly, and I stumble falling into the door like a toddler. I right myself, shaking my head, and take a calming breath before straightening up and opening the door to see… not Alex, but Scott.

I frown and sigh exasperatedly, and he swallows hard. The look on his face is not one of triumph, and I inwardly die a little. I already know it didn’t go well, but I don’t want to believe it.

“Did you buy her the flowers? The right ones?” I ask.

He nods and pulls up his phone showing me a picture. “Daisies and daffodils… a massive bunch. I asked the florist to custom design it. The thing was huge.”

I look at it and it was, it was really pretty, and even though way bigger and more lavish than the bunch I gave her the first time, it still represents us—the flowers I brought for her the first time we went out. Even though not technically together.

“And the Mexican, did you get all the tacos and burritos? And the potatoes? Did you get the fiesta potatoes?”

He chuckles. “I got it all, Matt, and the ice cream and the chocolate.”

I nod and take a deep breath while looking at his solemn eyes. “And, did you tell her how sorry I am, and that I need to talk to her if she would just let me?”

He nods while moving from foot to foot awkwardly like he’s uncomfortable, and my eyes bore into him as my brows scrunch together. “Scott?”

He looks to his cell and winces bringing up a recording. “Alex did a voice recording for you. Said she wanted you to hear it for yourself, but she didn’t want to talk to you directly. I tried to tell her to call you, but she insisted on letting me record her talking to you instead.”

My stomach starts doing somersaults, and I feel a little sick. Nodding, I clench my jaw and wave my hand in a signal for him to hear my destiny. Scott presses play, and instantly the sound of Alex clearing her throat filters through the air. My body relaxes slightly at finally hearing her, and I lean against the doorframe getting ready to listen to what she has to say.

“Is it recording?” she asks.

“Yes, go ahead,” Scott replies.

“Okay, Matt, as you know I’ve been avoiding your calls. I am doing this on purpose. I don’t want to talk to you. I’m also not reading your messages, so please don’t send any more. I won’t read them. Do not bother to call or message anymore. Our friendship is over… for good. You need to move on and let me go. This is what I want, and it’s the only thing that will make me happy. So please, Matt, to make me happy…” her voice breaks slightly like she’s trying to fight back the tears, “… let me go.” The recording ends and I screw up my face.

I look up to Scott who’s frowning as he puts his cell away and shakes his head looking at me in sympathy.

“I don’t get it. Why would she do this?”

“I have no idea, man. Alex seemed infuriated. She threw the flowers in the trash. The food, though, she took… girl’s gotta eat I suppose.”

“Did she seem like she meant it?” I ask, and he shrugs.

“Shit man, I’m not the one to ask about women and their psychology. I’m the worst at reading women… but she seemed all over the place. When I gave her the flowers, she had a slight smile, then it was like something clicked in her mind and she threw them in the trash. I don’t know, Matt, she seemed… broken. But, I honestly think she believes if she can distance herself from you, then she’ll be happy in some twisted way.”

My stomach sinks and I clench my eyes shut hating this feeling—the feeling of losing her. Alex means so much to me, and I pushed her away because I couldn’t give her what she wants. I was all about stupid fucking rules, and not thinking about what was right in front of me.

Good going, dip shit.

“She will be happy without me…” I let the words float through the air hating that I even spoke them. But if that’s how she truly feels then I guess I have to. It’s all about her happiness, right?

Goddamnit, I have to let her go.

Because the only thing I want for Alex is for her to be happy, and if me chasing after her is going to make her miserable then I can’t put her through that.

I have to let her go.

“Fuck!” I cuss, slamming my fist against the door.

Scott winces and puts his hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner. “If it’s any consolation, she’s gonna get fat eating all that Mexican.”

I roll my eyes and huff. “You’re a dick. But thanks for trying. Thank you for going to the trouble and trying to have her call me.”

He winces again. “I’m sorry it didn’t work, man. I tried, I really did. She wouldn’t budge. Alex’s a fucking feisty little thing.”

I let out a half-laugh. “Yeah, I know.”

“You gonna be okay?”

“Not really, but what can I do. I have no choice, do I? Gotta pull up my panties and get on with life now, I suppose.”

My phone dings and my chest squeezes in the hope that it’s Alex and she’s changed her mind. I grab it out and look down to see it’s not her, but instead a message from Charlotte. I sigh and put my cell back in my pocket.

“Matt, I believe everything happens for a reason. I’m not sure why Alex has turned you down, but you getting a message from Charlotte right now… I’d take that as a sign.” Scott slaps my shoulder and turns, walking away.

I raise my brow and tilt my head. I guess the saying ‘when one door closes another opens’ is true. But I’m not sure with my history of internet dating if I should pursue anything with Charlotte. Sure, I’ve been talking to her for months, but also I’ve had this thing with Alex blow up in my face. I think I need to calm the fuck down and take each day as it comes for a little while. Honestly, thinking about throwing Charlotte into the mix so soon after Alex is daunting.

All I can think about is Alex.

But she doesn’t want me.

She’s made that painfully clear.

So maybe I need to do what she’s apparently doing and move the hell on.

Fuck my life!