MATT

 

Jaci’s stunning, even more breathtaking than her photos online. Her face is flawless, her hair falls down along the side of her face perfectly, and her figure, well, she’s awe-inspiring. The dress she’s wearing is quite modest, but still very appealing and everything I want in the girl I’m looking for. She’s ticked so many boxes on my list just from a simple glance.

When the waiter introduced us, her eyes went wide and she stared, and I stared right back. Jaci smiled a little too widely as she took the flowers from me, shaking her head like she was astonished. Then she took a deep breath and chewed on her bottom lip.

“Matt, I know now why you hid your profile picture and wouldn’t send me any others…” her voice was like a fucking angel, but her words cut me like a knife as I tensed up while she continued, “… you’re famous. You’re a… a rock star. You’re him aren’t you? You’re that guy from Recoil?”

I was hoping she wouldn’t know me, and when she saw me, she wouldn’t immediately recognize who I was – but she didn’t, she knew, and she’s just like everyone else. Jaci reached out and grabbed my hand in an attempt to pull me toward the main restaurant.

“We should sit out here with everyone,” she said, and I tensed up completely while shaking my head.

“Umm… Jaci, I’d prefer not to. I’d rather spend the night with you… just you, no interruptions.”

Her smile faltered but she agreed, and I turned leading her to our table feeling like maybe we’d done this all a little too soon.

I realize I’m going over our meeting again in my mind, so I draw myself back into the present by pulling out Jaci’s seat for her.

“Thank you,” she says batting her extra-long lashes at me.

“You’re welcome. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

She gushes. “It’s so amazing to meet you. I’ve always wanted to meet a celebrity.” She laughs like she’s super excited.

I die a little more inside. On paper she’s perfect. She ticks off so many of my criteria, but in person, she’s falling a little short. “Can we maybe pretend like you’re meeting Matt, the guy from Lovepessimist.com, and not a celebrity?”

She winces and nods. “Right, sorry Matt. I’m an idiot. I guess I had no idea it was you. You never gave me any clues at all. I’m in a bit of shock here.”

I clear my throat. “I know, I apologize for not telling you. I just thought I’d show you in person rather than give you that information over a text message and worry that your intentions were to be with me only because of who I am and not because of the man that I am. If that makes sense?”

She nods. “You’re worried I’d want to be with you for your fame only?”

I shrug. “Kinda comes with the territory of being famous, Jaci.”

She shrugs. “Well, I had no idea that you were famous, and I liked you before. Now I know you’re famous I like you even more.”

Strike one!

The waiter comes over with some bread, and I nod a simple thank you to him as I glance over to Alex who’s still sans Logan. I quickly check my watch to see, he’s well and truly late, and I wanna drop kick the bastard myself. If he’s stood her up, I won’t be happy especially after our little disagreement has completely unsettled me.

“So, honestly, why does a guy like you have to go on a dating website?” Jaci asks, and I half-smile.

“To try and date a woman who wants me, and not someone to fangirl over. It’s hard finding someone who wants to be with me… with just Matt, not the famous Matt from Recoil.”

She swallows hard. “So, if I were to continue dating you, would you not want me to be in the spotlight with you?”

“There would be times when you’d have to be, but for the most part, I’d want you out of the spotlight. Trust me, being famous isn’t what it’s cracked up to be,” I answer her as honestly as I can while glancing over to the security team standing by the wall.

She looks up taking them in and lets out a stifled laugh. “Those guards, they’re with you?” she asks, and I nod.

She sits up taller. “I think that’s cool. Your own personal bodyguards wherever you go. Being in the spotlight… I think I’d love this life, Matt. I think you’d be great for me.”

Strike two!

And we haven’t even ordered our meals yet.

The waiter comes over handing us each a menu. “Your menus for tonight. Have a look over them and just wave your hand in the air when you’re ready and I’ll come over and take your orders.”

“Cheers,” I say, and Jaci opens her menu with a grin that hasn’t left her face since we met.

“Wow! This place is fancy. Is this what it’ll be like for us… going to fancy places? Driving fast cars. Living a life of luxury?” Her smile is so wide now it’s ridiculous.

I scratch the top of my head and don’t answer because I simply don’t know how to reply.

She runs her finger down the menu making a humming sound, and then she gasps. “Oh Matt, is there a set budget for tonight? Oh, what am I saying, of course there’s not. You’re a massive rock star, you can afford anything on the menu, right?” she asks.

I simply slump my shoulders, I mean of course I was going to pay for her dinner but the way she’s talking? I mean fuck. Really?

“Ah, yeah, sure, anything you want,” I answer and glance over to Alex, and her still empty table. My chest aches for her as she looks completely lost. I want to go over there or gain her attention somehow, but Jaci throws up her hand calling over the waiter interrupting my thoughts.

I glance to the waiter as he arrives with his notepad. I haven’t even had a chance to look at the menu as Jaci begins ordering.

“We’ll have a dozen oysters for entrée… aphrodisiac and all,” she says with a giggle.

I grimace, glancing back to Alex as I see her stand up and start to walk out. My entire body tenses and I fight my feelings of wanting to go to her. She must be feeling like crap, her date hasn’t shown, and I’m here with Jaci ordering aphrodisiacs while she walks out. I feel like shit and start to stand.

“Jaci, I—”

But as I talk the waiter walks in with, who I’m guessing is Logan. So I stall my actions.

Jaci looks at me and raises her eyebrow. “Yes?”

I clear my throat feeling relief flooding through me. “Sorry, I ah… don’t know what I’m ordering,” I say and she waves her hand through the air.

“Oh, never mind, I’ll order for you. I’ll have the lobster and prawn linguini, and Matt will have the steak tartare.”

“Very well,” the waiter says and walks off with the menus. I shrug not knowing what steak tartare is, but it has steak in the name so that’s good enough for me.

I watch as Logan walks in kind of ignoring Alex, and heads straight for the table pouring himself a glass of champagne. He doesn’t even offer her a glass. What a douche.

“Matt… Earth to Matt,” Jaci says clicking her fingers in front of my face.

I blink rapidly and look back to Jaci giving her my full attention. “Sorry what?”

“You were a million miles away. Where did you go?”

I glance back over to their table to see Logan kissing his bicep. I gawk at him, the guy’s obviously a serious dick. She has to see that.

“Matt!”

“Shit, sorry, I’m here.” I look back to Jaci and take a sip of my champagne. “How was your morning?”

“Oh, it was amazing. I spent my time being pampered and preened for tonight. So I went to the salon and got my hair and nails done. See…” Jaci thrusts her hands across the table for me to check out her red tipped nails. I nod and smile—they look nice, I suppose. They’re just nails. I don’t really care about that kind of stuff, but if it makes Jaci happy, to keep herself looking lovely, then good for her.

“They look great, Jaci. Actually, you look beautiful tonight, I have to say.”

Her beautiful eyes look up at me sparkling in the dim mood lighting. “Thank you, that means a lot. I feel like we’ve really bonded over the short time we’ve known each other, Matt.”

“Yeah, I certainly felt a connection with you over our messages,” I say honestly.

“Well, knowing who you are now, doesn’t change anything for me. Just know that. If anything, it makes everything far more exciting, more entertaining. You’re way more interesting now, Matthew Levine. A rock star is better than the humble entrepreneur you said you were.”

Sighing, I sink into my chair.

Strike Three!

Damn it.

As much as I like Jaci, I can see my fame is going to be a thing for her. On paper she’d have worked, but in person, she’s ruined it all.

“Tell me more about you. Let’s not talk about me tonight.” I want her to start talking about her world, which I know she’ll get lost in. I don’t want to go round in circles about my fame or my life. It won’t get us anywhere. So we’ll talk about her, or more like she can talk and I will listen.

“Okay, well, as you know my daddy is a breeder of horses and…” she starts talking, and almost instantly I tune out. I can’t help it. I know it’s mean, I know it’s rude, but I can’t listen. I checked out of this date at Strike Two. Jaci has ruined the night already, and I’m majorly disappointed. But now as I zone out my eyes can’t help but wander over to Alex’s table to see her and Logan seeming to be more comfortable with each other. They’re sitting closer, and his arm is on the table, his sleeve rolled up, and she’s looking at his forearm in awe. Obviously checking out his tattoos.

I grit my teeth watching her as her fingers trail along his arm stroking his skin. My chest heaves slightly, and I’m not really sure why.

I hate Logan.

He was late.

He was rude to her when he arrived.

Logan doesn’t get to win her over with some flashy ink, she’s better than that. He says something, I’m not sure what, but Alex reacts moving her hand to embrace his. My nostrils flare watching her squeeze his hand as if she’s giving him comfort. I have no idea what they’re talking about, but after the way he treated her, he should be comforting her not the other way round.

He’s a fucking scammer!

I just want to scream, He’s playing you, Alex!

She’s a strong woman and can handle herself, I know that, but I’ll be here if she needs me.

Suddenly, her fingers lace with his and just like that they’re holding hands. My stomach sinks and a small gasp of air leaves my mouth as I watch her looking at him with such sad eyes. I’m glad they seem to be hitting it off, if that’s what’s happening. He better be the right guy for her, or I swear, I will tear him limb from limb if he hurts or treats her badly.

“Jesus, Matt, you look like you’re going to break someone’s neck,” Jaci states rather loudly, breaking me away from my thoughts.

I stop staring at Alex and Logan and avert my eyes back to Jaci. “Sorry, I’m just hungry, I suppose.” And as if on cue, the waiter brings out our order. He places down a bowl of pasta for Jaci, and a plate of God knows what in front of me. It’s a round, what looks like mold of raw meat, with a side salad and some fried potatoes.

“Bon appetite,” the waiter says, and I look to him and shake my head slightly.

“Umm… I don’t wanna sound rude, but what’s going on with my steak? It looks, well, um… not like steak?”

Jaci giggles as the waiter smiles.

“It’s the steak tartare, sir. Raw minced steak mixed with onions, capers, seasonings and a raw egg yolk. It’s a delicacy, sir. Jaci chose wisely,” he tells me.

I swallow hard. “Raw?” I simply ask.

He nods along with Jaci.

“As in… completely?”

They both nod, and I exhale as the waiter smiles and walks off. I look to Jaci and pick up my fork going straight for the fried potato. Looks like I’ll be making a trip to Taco Bell on the way home.

“Are you even going to try it?” she asks with a slight grin.

Shaking my head, I place a potato in my mouth. “I’m brave with most things, Jaci. But completely raw beef mixed with raw egg, just no… that’s not one of them. The potato and salad will do me fine,” I reply, and her grin falls to a frown as she picks at her pasta seemingly disappointed. There’s finally a lull in the conversation as we eat our meals. There’s a slight awkwardness filling the air, when a bellowing laugh from Logan filters cross the room. I look over to see Alex smiling wide. I’m glad they’re having a good time.

“Isn’t it weird there’s only one other table in this section? Are they famous, too?” Jaci asks, finally breaking the silence between us.

I figure I could roll with this conversation, so I do. It’s easier than telling the truth. “I think she’s an up and coming artist, quite famous in the industry. I’m pretty sure she designs a lot of music industry covers and stuff, too. I’ve seen her around a fair bit actually. I’m pretty sure she’s big here in LA.”

Jaci turns glancing at Alex in awe. I roll my eyes as she looks back to me.

“Wow, two famous people in one room. How exciting!”

I glance back over to see the waiter turning to walk off, but Alex calls him back saying something that seems to make Logan happy as he sits back in his chair looking quite relaxed. I hope their night’s going better than mine, but for some reason, I wish that I was having dinner with Alex instead. Not necessarily a date. No, because we’re friends. But because it’s just easier with her. With Jaci, I’m not at ease, not at all.

I stop looking at Alex and glance back to Jaci, who’s eating her lobster and prawn linguini. She really is stunning, even when eating. It’s such a shame. I look at Jaci deep in thought and wonder if maybe I should try harder. I mean out of my ten rules, she ticks a solid eight of them. It’s just nine and ten that I’m not sure of—a sense of humor, and of course, getting along with Nate. The rest are all there, or pretty damn close, so like I said, on paper she’s almost the perfect ten. It’s just in person, she seems to be taking my fame a little too personally. And I know that comes with who I am, I’m not stupid, but I also know that maybe that’s just something I have to deal with. So perhaps searching for someone who’s going to accept me for me, without having the Recoil attachment, is something I should be trying to forget about. I should probably try harder, give this a shot before I give up?

Fuck, I don’t know. I feel like I’m starting to fret about a relationship that hasn’t even begun yet, and that can’t be healthy. All I know is I’m halfway through a main meal that I can hardly eat, and I feel sick. Jaci’s jabbering on about her horses, and I’m honestly trying to seem interested—nodding and mumbling when needed. But I can’t stop glancing over to Alex and Logan who appear to be eating their actual steak dinners and laughing while getting along fine.

I shove the last piece of potato on my plate into my mouth and eat it slowly, hoping that somehow it will make me feel full, even though only eating five pieces of potato can in no way fill a man.

“So, in essence, I’m kinda famous too. All the breeders know me in the industry, and the jockeys rely on me heavily for inside info. We’re not entirely that dissimilar,” Jaci says.

“Are you saying because you know famous jockeys that makes you famous?” I ask, and she nods her head smiling wide.

“Uh-huh sure, famous by association. That’s a thing, right?” Jaci takes a sip of her champagne, and I sigh sinking further into my chair. Yeah, there’s no point in holding out hope here, Jaci’s a goner. My fame has completely gone to her head.

This was over the minute she saw me.

Fuck!

“Right, sure,” I say trying to appease her.

“Matt, I have to be honest, you don’t seem very present here tonight,” she says looking at me and furrowing her brows.

I exhale and rub my forehead feeling a bit like a douche for not giving her the full attention she deserves. This is probably the last time I will see Jaci, and the least I can do is show her a good time. Leave her with a good impression of me and give her the respect she deserves.

“Sorry, I am a little distracted. Things with the band are hectic at the moment and my brother, he’s going through something, too.”

He eyes light up as I talk, and it’s then I figure I should probably talk about the band a little to make her feel special before I break her dreams of becoming the next Recoil girl. So I start, look her in the eyes, and talk all about the guys. What’s happening in their lives, without giving too many details that she could take and run with to the press if she wanted. You can’t be too careful. Tillie’s drilled that into us.

I tell her all about what it was like working with Zaria. How she was amazing, and how the music video was so much fun to make. I avoid telling her about Nate and Zaria though because that’s not public knowledge. I continue on with as much as I can, without actually telling her anything. Well, anything she couldn’t find out on the internet.

Just to make her feel special, I go on about how I live with Nate, and we share a house together. How we grew up, and what our lives were like. I don’t tell her about how Mom died, just that she did, and she was sad and supportive. But after about an hour, Jaci seems completely awe inspired as she looks up at me in a dazed stupor. Her elbows on the table, and her chin in her hands as she stares at me batting her eyelashes.

Jaci seems like she’s completely lost in my world, which is okay, I guess. It’s nice that she loves who I am, but to be honest, I could never really trust that she would love me… for me. This would never work. And as I continue to talk, I can’t help but glance past her to look at Alex and Logan who are deep in their own conversation. They’re close together, and my stomach sinks watching them. I’m not sure what that’s about, all I know is, Logan is not the right guy for her. She’s worth way more than a guy who turns up late and doesn’t shower her with attention and affection. I know I should be focusing on me and my date, but I realize this isn’t going anywhere and I just want Alex to make good choices. Choices that don’t involve picking the wrong man for her.

I raise my brow wondering why I’m being so protective of her. I really don’t know Alex that well. We’re friends, sure. We’ve spent a little bit of time together, absolutely. But all in all, I owe her nothing. We’re just doing this little internet dating thing together. She has the right to choose whoever she wants, I don’t need to step in. Plus, anyway, Alex’s a big girl and can look after herself.

Sighing, I slump my body.

But can she, though?

Her choice in men in the past has been overly questionable.

“Matt, I’ve lost you again, haven’t I?” Jaci asks bringing my attention back to her, and I blink a few times and clear my throat.

“Shit, sorry. I really suck tonight, don’t I?” I ask, and she lets out a small giggle.

“Well, you’re certainly not in the right headspace for a date that’s for sure. I’m not sure what’s happening in your mind, but you’re clearly not focused. That’s okay, I know with your life you must have so much going on.”

I weakly smile. “I am sorry, it’s more than that,” I say unsure if I should just tell her now that this isn’t going to go further, and break her dreams of a rock star marriage here and now, or whether I should let this play out a little more.

“It’s okay, I know how tonight is going, Matt. I’m under no false hope here,” she says shocking me and gaining my full attention.

“Ahh, what do you mean?”

She smiles, bringing her hand up to play with the end of her braid like she’s feeling awkward or uncomfortable. But she sighs and slumps her shoulders. “We had such great chemistry over Messenger, I really felt a real bond with you…” I nod as she reaches out grabbing my hand. “But Matt, something about meeting you has changed all that hasn’t it?”

I gnaw on my bottom lip, I wince slightly as she holds my hand gently. Jaci’s hand is soft, and it’s nice to be touching her, but there’s no spark. I glance to Alex and see her looking at our joined hands, she notices me watching her, and quickly looks away. I furrow my brows at her and turn back to Jaci.

“I think me being famous is too big of a deal, to be honest with you,” I say.

I like Jaci, and I don’t want to spin her the line of ‘it’s not you it’s me’ bullshit. She deserves better than that.

She nods and squeezes my hand running her thumb gently along my skin. “I went a little hard on the fandom, right?”

I let off a stifled laugh. “Yeah. I just wanted you to like me for me, not who I am. You know what I mean?”

She inhales sharply through her nose. “I failed your test, didn’t I?”

“Wasn’t a test, Jaci. It’s just… I think, I want something a little different…” My words hang in the air as she contemplates them, and then she nods as she takes it all in.

“You don’t want a fan,” Jaci says more of a statement than a question. The realization dawning on her and she nods taking a deep breath. “Geez, I’m an idiot. I’m sorry, Matt. I’ve screwed this up before we even began.”

I turn my hand over, lacing our fingers and giving her comfort. “Hey, no, it’s okay. It is what it is. We can still be friends, of course, and anytime you wanna come to a show, let me know. I’ll give you tickets, okay?”

“Really?” she asks excitedly, and I know right there that I’ve done the right thing. If she’s excited about coming to a show, more excited about that rather than us parting ways, then yes, I’m one hundred percent doing the right thing.

“Of course, anytime.”

She leans in kissing my cheek suddenly. I grin at her in friendship. But a sudden movement catches my eyes as I watch Alex and Logan stand from their table. I instantly let Jaci’s hand go, and look at Alex a little more obviously as she moves in beside Logan. He wraps his arm around her shoulders pulling her to him. They chuckle and walk out of the restaurant next to each other. His arm is dangling over her shoulder, holding her to his side, like they’re totally a thing.

My chest squeezes tight. I wanna scream at Alex to not go with him. Not to leave with the douchebag. Her hand comes up and grabs on to his around her shoulders, and they walk out of the room laughing together without even glancing back at me.

And just like that Alex is gone.