It’s been a week, a solid week without Alex in my life. I haven’t tried to call or text her. I have looked a few times to see if she’s checked the text messages I’ve sent previously, but she hasn’t. And even though I didn’t admit to myself the feelings I’m pretty sure I have for her, it’s too late now, and she’s out of my life. I know we weren’t a couple, but this feels like a breakup. Sure, we were only together that one time, but emotionally I think we were more like a couple for longer than I realized. It’s just neither of us wanted to break the friendship.

How stupid that was.

I miss her so much.

And being Tuesday today it’s hitting me hard that I’m going to be spending another night without her. Tuesdays were our day, it was our thing, and now I can’t even watch a Taco Bell ad without wanting to throw the remote at the television.

I’ve been asking Nate how she’s doing but he’s not telling me too much. He hates being stuck in the middle of us. But what he has told me is she’s basically working hard and keeping to herself. Alex isn’t hanging around him as much, and he thinks it’s because he reminds her of me, and it’s a shit that I’ve hurt their friendship too.

My actions aren’t just affecting me now. They’re affecting my friends, my family. People I love.

I wish there were something I could do to make Alex feel better, but the only thing I think that may, is time and distance. And I’m giving her that. As much as I hate it, I’m giving her the space she needs from me, though it’s killing me a little more every day.

I hope we can go back to being friends one day because obviously anything else is way off the cards now. I hope she finds happiness somehow.

It’s getting close to 6:30 p.m. and I know that’s the time Alex will be arriving home and when we would usually be starting our Taco Tuesday. So instead, I pull out a bag of M&M’s and nibble on them aimlessly watching my cell, wondering if tonight might be the night she’ll give in and call. When suddenly my phone beeps, I glance down full of hope, and then I sigh when I notice it’s Charlotte.

Sinking further into the sofa, I open the message to read her text.

 

Charlotte: Hey, hope your night’s going okay. I’ve been thinking of you today. I know you’re sad about the fight with your friend, but I’m here if you need to talk. You know that, right?

 

I sigh. Charlotte’s been good the last week. I figured I wasn’t going to make the same mistake with her that I made with Madeline and not tell Charlotte about Alex. Though, I haven’t told Charlotte the full extent about Alex—you know, the fact we slept together because that’s between Alex and me—but I have told her that we were best friends, we’ve had a falling out, and that I’m having a hard time without her. Charlotte is actually being really supportive about it all, which is nice. It’s been good to have someone to talk to about Alex. Even though I don’t know Charlotte officially, sometimes it’s what’s needed to have an unbiased opinion.

 

Me: Thank you. That’s nice of you. It’s great to have a friendly ear…

 

I hit send, and the typing bubbles come back almost instantly.

 

Charlotte: Well, what do you say about catching up in person and talking it out? I’d love to meet you, even if it’s just as friends. I know you could do with one right now?

 

My chest tightens, and I wince slightly at reading her words. Knowing how badly things went south the other two times I met my internet friends, I’m kind of erring on the side of caution and not agreeing this time. But Charlotte is really the only person listening to me at the moment, and I don’t want to put her offside too by saying no.

Great! Damned if you do, damned if you fucking don’t.

 

Me: Yeah okay, when were you thinking?

 

I hover over the send as I gnaw on my bottom lip, wondering if I really want to do this. She did say as just friends which makes it easier to walk away if I want to. But having an ear right now would be really good.

 

Charlotte: Maybe this weekend? I have to work all week, but either Friday night or Saturday, whichever suits you?

 

Taking a deep breath, I clench my eyes shut wondering if I should delay it for as long as possible or try and get this happening sooner.

 

Me: Friday night would be good for me. How about we catch up for drinks somewhere? Just something casual? Nothing too fancy?

 

Charlotte replies with a smiley face and one simple word—perfect.

A sense of guilt rushes over me. Instantly, I think of Alex and that I should be trying to spend time with her.

Slumping back into the sofa, I grab another handful of M&M’s and shove them into my mouth. Whisper would die if he saw me eating these. He hates candy about as much as ice cream. I smirk thinking I should probably spend some more time with him, but he’s a friend of Alex’s too. Whisper’s probably angry with me right now, and I truly get that, and deserve everything. Sighing, I slump even further and bang the back of my head on the headrest of the sofa as a Taco Bell ad comes on the television.

“Oh, come on,” I call out and throw an M&M at the screen, deciding that I’ve had enough of today. I’m calling it. So I switch off the television and make my way to my bedroom, dodging the fichus by the stairs, as I traipse up them and head to bed. Sure, it’s early as fuck, but I’m probably going to lay in bed sulking anyway.

 

FRIDAY

 

I’ve spent the last three days going through Alex withdrawal. Not being able to call her is making this way more official than I would like. But I have to face the truth, she doesn’t want me in her life. I have to let her go, that’s what she wants, that’s what she said would make her happy and that’s all I want for her. So instead of fighting for her like I want to do, I’m letting her go, and choosing to let her be happy. I just hope it’s the right damn choice. I doubt myself every day, but then I hear her voice playing over Scott’s cell saying, for her to be happy, I need to let her go.

It sucks, but I do it for her. Not for me, because I want her in my life more than anything. But right now, I can’t think about that. I have to go and meet Charlotte for drinks. She’s been great the last few days. Supportive and sweet, and I almost forgot that she doesn’t know who I am and that I have to go through this whole process of Matt the rocker bullshit again.

Sighing, I know I should call Scott and let him know what’s happening. I’m more than aware of the fact that I must have security with me at all times in public. It’s a deal we all made with Tillie and Oliver. That’s why Nate and I had Scott and Dwayne assigned to us. But for once, just once, I’d like to try and go out and not feel like I’m this trapped man. I’d like to think I could go somewhere and not constantly worry about women throwing themselves at me, and people asking for autographs. I don’t even know how Charlotte’s going to react when she finds out who I am. She seems perfect in every way, but who really knows. According to my list, she meets a fair few of my requirements, but tonight we’re meeting as friends, and that’s what I need right now. I’m not going in this looking for a lover. I just want a friend. And I’m positive she knows that.

There’s a small street fair happening not too far away from here, and that’s where we’re meeting. Sure it will have a few people around, but I’m going to be wearing the usual celebrity disguise of shades and a cap, so hopefully, I’ll be hidden enough that no one will notice. She knows I’m going to have on a Black Lilith cap, they’re another high-profile rock band around the scene at the moment. Great bunch of guys, equally as chaotic as us. Amazingly talented, I love their sound, and I bought the cap at one of their concerts I went to. So I’m wearing that rather than a Recoil one, and a pair of Aviators to hide my face. Plus, a hoodie to cover everything up nicely around the neck area too. I’ll look a little gangster, but that’s okay. I don’t really need to make a huge impression. She will understand.

Grabbing my keys, I decide to make a judgment call. It could be a bad idea, but I never do anything exciting.

Matt the sensible one—well, not to-fucking-day!

Shoving my cell in my jeans pocket, I take a breath knowing I’m probably being stupid, but I think all my sense and reasoning went out the door when Alex told me to leave her alone. Scott will probably kick me in the nuts when he finds out I’ve gone without him, but meh, you only live once, and right now I would not call what I am doing living.

I walk out of my very empty house. It used to be filled with Nate, Whisper, and Alex, and now it’s just me. I hate it here. Sighing as I leave, I walk out and lock the door. I move to my car and slide in.

I have no idea how this is going to go, but I’m hoping for the best because right now life can’t get any worse… can it?